#bpdwarrior

For my entire life i haven't been able to go out by myself. I always needed someone to go out with me. Alone time wasn't a possibility in my mind, like, i never thought about it.

Until my therapist asked me if i ever thought that people liked alone time because they like their own company and i answered "no" way too quickly.

I would have meltdowns if my partner couldn't/didn't want to go out with me. I would feel bored until i was nearly raging but i would not go out because i had no one to go with me.

What if someone stared? What if someone made fun of me? What if something bad happened? How would i react? When i'm out in public everyone will be laughing at me and i don't wanna be made fun of...

That's the script whenever i'm out in public, worse if i'm by myself.

Besides everything, I've been making progress, and today, i was burnt out from work and really needed a break. I thought about invinting my partner for a coffee but for the first time ever i though "oh. I can just go out." i managed to actually want to try that. I tried not to make a big deal out of it and left with my book.

I arrived at the place, really quiet and just a few people I took a deep breath and chose the nicest place to sit, in the middle of an open space, absolutely gorgeous. The con was: this place was in the center of the cafe. Everyone could see me. But i took a deep breath an as soon as i started to think everyone's staring i quickly glanced around and noticed absolutely no one even bothered to aknowledge i was there. The waitress was nice. I managed to read my book. No disturbing thoughts came to my mind.

For once. Two decades of horror were silenced for 20 minutes. All by myself.

I think freedom has many shapes and forms, today, freedom looked like this to me:

I’ve been in dbt for just about a month,

Started Feb 9th 2022,

I’m a recovering borderline and i just want to share my stories to hopefully help somebody out as well, and just to vent / an outlet as i stopped mostly using every other platform i had🙋🏼‍♂️🤫🤷🏼‍♀️

And I thought blogging would be funner, if I can keep up with it.

Also might touch over my extreme anxiety/agoraphobia , if thats something that comes up too.

I’m just super dedicated to fixing myself right now and learning new skills I can’t figure out on my own!!

I know there are several reasons that can cause this, but i'd like to share these kind words from my therapist, if they helped me, they might help you.

This panic comes from losing a protector, losing someone you look up to.

Because of a certain traumatic event, your brain is sure that you still need someone to protect you because at that time, nobody did.

Which makes us unconsciously think:

Losing a protector = something bad will happen to us again.

But the truth is: you're the one who's been protecting yourself all this time and i'm so proud of you. All these dear people you look up to have been part of your journey, thats true, but remember, even if it's really impossible for us to believe, we're the ones who picked up our broken pieces and put ourselves back together! All alone.

Just because the house you live is on fire, it doesn't mean the rest of the world is. Don't let your feelings of a burning house blind you from a completely fireless world.