#agoraphobia

The first thing Maria does when she gets home is come to find you, to give you a hug and a kiss. It’s the very first thing she does, before she even takes off her coat and shoes. Usually Maria finds you in the same place, sat in the living room, your laptop perched on your lap. You’d gotten a job a few months ago who were happy with you working remote and it’s made a world of difference for you, giving you a bit of purpose. Finally, you’re starting to act like you again.

Maria usually arrives home first and she always sits with you, catching up on your day and telling you about hers. It’s easier now that you have your job, she knows that you are involved in meetings and use Teams so you are actually talking to people. Not like before when you didn’t speak to anyone at all until your girlfriends’ were home. It always made Maria feel guilty, leaving you at home by yourself for the day but she and Natasha needed to work.

Today is no different. Maria’s the first one home and she finds you in your usual position, just switching off your work laptop. Though you look a bit worried so Maria sits down, pulling you into her lap despite your weak, unconvincing protests, “What happened?”

“Nothing, it’s fine.”

Maria smiles, kissing your cheek. In her line of work she’s gotten pretty good at reading people and you’ve always been the type of person to wear your heart on your sleeve, making you as easy to read as a book. “I see. You’re just pouting for no reason then.”

“I’m not pouting. Just… Been a long day.”

Maria leans her head against the top of yours, stroking her fingers up and down your arm, letting you sit quietly with her for a while if that’s what you need. You tuck your head comfortably beneath her chin, allowing her gentle and loving touch to soothe you.

You live in an apartment in New York with your girlfriends’ and for the past two years, you haven’t left this apartment at all. It wasn’t even like you could blame it on something traumatic happening to you. One day you’d gotten up as you normally did, got dressed to go to work and then suddenly found you couldn’t step out of the apartment. You had noticed you were a little anxious away from home, something that had increased a little daily over the past few months and it seemed it had reached its peak. You couldn’t leave.

Your girlfriends’ hadn’t realised how serious it was at first. They’d both laughed at you, calling you silly and trying to coax you out of the apartment. When three weeks had gone by without you leaving the apartment at all they’d called their Doctor, who’d come out to visit you. It had taken a while but you’d eventually been diagnosed with agoraphobia. You’d begun therapy online but so far, it hadn’t seemed to have helped. You still hadn’t left the apartment after all this time.

Natasha and Maria had been seriously worried about you. For over a year you’d passed your days by reading and binge-watching TV shows. It was hard to watch someone they loved so much fading into a shell of their former selves. Both of them had stayed by your side, showing you so much patience and love but you still felt bad. You knew the two of them wanted to go on vacation somewhere but they wouldn’t leave you behind. You’d told them they could go, that you wouldn’t mind. They’d known you were lying – of course you want to go on vacation too. Somewhere quiet and warm, where you could just enjoy being with them. You haven’t seen anywhere except this apartment for so long, your anxiety simply won’t let you.

Time passes as you sit in Maria’s arms, marvelling again at how patient and loving she is. Eventually she begins telling you about her day, her voice soft and soothing as you lean your head on her shoulder to listen. Her work as a SHIELD agent always fascinates you, even if she can’t tell you everything about it. When Natasha gets home she immediately joins in on the cuddles, picking up instinctively that you need extra comfort.

Once Natasha’s finished filling you in on her day she kisses your cheek, “Tell us what happened then.”

“Nothing happened, I-”

“You can’t get anything past us I’m afraid,” Maria teases, kissing your forehead. “Might as well just tell us because we’ll figure it out eventually.”

“It’s our speciality,” Natasha grins.

You sigh, “My boss called me today. There’s a conference and he wants me to go in person. He says my expertise would be really valuable. I asked if I could call in but he said no, and said that whilst he’s happy for me to continue working remotely it’s going to limit my promotion opportunities.”

Natasha and Maria exchange a glance, Natasha starting to stroke her fingers through your hair, “Do you want a promotion?”

“I want to be normal!” You burst. “I want to go to the conference, I want to meet my colleagues in person, I want to go on vacation, I want to eat in a restaurant and go to the beach and ride the subway. I want to be me again.”

Your eyes water and Maria sighs sympathetically, kissing your cheek, “Oh baby…”

“I’m holding you guys back, I know I am, I know that if I-”

“Don’t talk like that,” Natasha says firmly. “Don’t you dare talk like that. Maria and I love you. It’s not like you’re choosing to spend all your time at home.”

“I’ve been doing therapy for so long and it hasn’t helped at all,” You sniffle.

“Maybe it’s time to look for a new therapist or try a different type of therapy,” Maria suggests. “To be honest we’ve gotten into such a routine that I’ve gotten used to it. I didn’t realise how you were feeling.”

Natasha suddenly stands up, “Come on.”

You look up at her, alarmed “Come where?”

“Just trust me, okay?”

Maria takes your hand and the two of you follow Natasha out of the living room down the hall to the front door, which leads out in the apartment building. You haven’t taken one step out of this apartment in years, not even into the larger building and you freeze as Natasha opens the door, turning back to look at you. “Nat… I… I can’t…”

“Don’t panic, okay?” Natasha says. “I’m not asking you to leave completely. But just… Try and take one step. One step into the corridor, out of the apartment. You can go straight back in. But you’ll be one step closer to beating this if you can do just that.”

Your heart pounds in your chest and you have to hold back your tears. It should be the easiest thing in the world. Natasha and Maria are so brave, doing their incredibly dangerous jobs day in, day out. They don’t even think twice about leaving the apartment. Taking one step outside would be so simple for them. Why can’t it be simple for you?

Maria squeezes your hand, standing next to you, careful not to move too suddenly in case you get frightened, thinking she’s going to drag you outside. “Take your time,” Maria encourages. “We’ll stand here all night if that’s what you need.”

“I- I don’t think I can,” You sniffle.

“You can,” Natasha says patiently, waiting just outside the door. “If I thought you were happy as you are then I’d drop it. But all those things that you said you wanted, you can have them. All you have to do is take that first step. Like Maria said, don’t rush. We’re right here and we will wait as long as you need.”

You clench and unclench your free hand, taking deep breaths as you look at the ugly, green carpet that covers the floor of the main apartment building. It’s been two years since your feet touched that carpet. You sniffle again, your legs feeling so heavy that you couldn’t possibly move them.

After five minutes Maria squeezes your hand again, “If there’s anything you need us to do, just say.”

“I’m sorry-”

“You don’t need to apologise,” Natasha says. “We’re right here.”

Fifteen minutes later, despite your girlfriends’ kind and patient encouragements, you’re still staring at the same spot, tears starting to spill down your cheeks. Maria glances at Natasha then looks back at you, “We can take a break if you want. Try again later-”

“No!” You sob determinedly. “No, I wanna do this.”

You make it right to the edge of the door, tears streaming down your face and Natasha holds her hand out, “Take mine too. I won’t pull you out, I promise.”

Your hand finds Natasha’s so now you’re holding onto both of your girlfriends’. You sniffle again, feeling pathetic and useless but your girlfriends’ wait patiently, neither of them rushing you. “It’s okay,” Maria reassures you. “We’re right here. We’d never let anything bad happen to you.”

After another five minutes you take a deep breath, close your eyes and then quickly, before you can change your mind or realise what you’re doing, you take a step forward. Your girlfriends’ squeal and cheer so loud that you’re surprised the neighbours don’t come out to see what the commotion is all about. Perhaps they don’t dare. When you open your eyes you find that you’ve done it. After two years, you’ve finally left your apartment. Only one step but it’s further than you’ve gone in such a long time and you cry harder.

The anxiety is still there, but you’ve done it. You’ve officially left the apartment, after all this time. Maria hugs you first and then Natasha, both of them pressing kisses to your cheeks and telling you how proud they are. Your feet feel frozen to the ground so they help you back inside, Natasha pulling you into her lap this time as she kisses the tears still trickling down your cheeks, “You did it!”

“You’re so amazing,” Maria says, leaning over to kiss the top of your head.

“It was dumb. I can’t believe it took so long just to-”

“It wasn’t dumb, it was your first step to recovery and you should be so proud of yourself,” Natasha says. “We’ll take it slowly, okay? Soon you’ll be out on the street.”

“I probably still won’t be well enough to go to the conference though.”

“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t, but we won’t worry about that right now,” Maria says. “Let’s just take each day as it comes.”

Living with severe OCD

Taking control of OCD : inspirational stories of hope and recovery

OCD : a guide for the newly diagnosed

Overcoming compulsive checking : free your mind from OCD

Anxiety, worry, OCD and panic attacks : the definitive recovery approach

Obsessive compulsive disorder : practical, tried-and-tested strategies to overcome OCD

Getting over OCD : a 10-step workbook for taking back your life

The OCD workbook : your guide to breaking free from obsessive-compulsive disorder

Daring to challenge OCD : overcome your fear of treatment & take control

Coping with obsessive compulsive disorder

Coping with obsessive-compulsive disorder : a step-by-step guide using the latest CBT techniques

Obsessive-compulsive disorder : core interventions in the treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder and body dysmorphic disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder : a guide for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder and their families

Obsessive-compulsive disorder : the facts

Obsessional thoughts & behaviour : help for obsessive-compulsive disorder

Overcoming obsessive thoughts : how to gain control of your OCD

Overcoming obsessive compulsive disorder : a self-help guide using cognitive behavioral techniques