Hello dears, I’ve recently had a few conversations with my new lers and lees. And I wanted to make a checklist on how to stay safe during rp

Remember consent is given before, after and during all types of intimacy, so here are a few examples:

Before:

Age and pronouns

What names and nicknames may be used

Ask about boundaries

Decide what spots are going to be tickled

Spots that are gonna be avoided

What tools to use or avoid

Restraints, pinning and how close the lee and ler should be

If both parties should have a safe word

During:

ONLY tickle or mention spots that have been chosen

ONLY use tools and nicknames that have been chosen

Regularly check in and ask questions

Give options for breaks and changing position or technique

Respect safe words and boundaries

If someone changes their mind about a spot stop and talk about it

After:

Cuddles and reassurances

Relax and talk about calming things while both parties recollect themselves

Don’t evaluate instantly since both parties are still full of dopamine and the brain needs time to come down from a high and flustered mood

After a few minutes or even the next day evaluate how the session went for both parties

Stay in contact and don’t just disappear after you’ve gotten what you wanted

Tips for the ler:

Remember you are in a position of power and it’s your responsibility to be in charge since your lee is in a different headspace at the moment. Be carful not to go with the flow. The lee might say yes or keep giggling if you ask them something but afterwards they might regret it. In a flustered headspace you can’t think straight nor consent to a new thing. So that’s why boundaries were sett before. Stick to the script!

Tips for lees

Be on the lookout is your ler asking for boundaries, checking in and staying on track. Are they prioritizing your wants and needs? Do you feel safe to be vulnerable or does it feel forced? If you at any point get an icky or uncomfortable feeling, use a safe word and speak out. You can change your options before, after and during. But remember it’s harder to change something afterwards so speak up. And if you feel like you can’t be open with your ler, then why are you with them!

Please stay safe and rember people lie all the time online and in real life about their age, personality and intentions. If at any point someone feels disingenuous you have two options:

confront them

or

ignore them

A few last tips

Don’t laugh at or make an overstepping of a boundary into a joke, you’re valid to sett a stop and guidelines so don’t discredit yourself.

If an apology is mostly self centered and not taking your feelings into account it’s not genuine.

You don’t owe anyone anything: no pictures, no roleplay, no reactions and no time.

Be aware of gaslighting, manipulation, narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies and how to spot these actions.

Say no, use safe words, speak up, ignore, ghost, leave behind and move on, you deserve only the best

Or maybe that’s not fair to say.

To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right?

But I disappear into the person I love.

I am the permeable membrane.

If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

Some say to just speak up or be assertive but as a retired people pleaser ..it has been tough

When attempting to practice assertiveness it has often felt as though I was putting on a mask over who I was. I literally felt a pit in my stomach and my tongue instantly ties..

Recently I listened to @sheissobougie’s podcast episode on boundary setting & I loved it! Completely changed my perspective on the topic

In the episode she details how questioning disrespect is one of the best ways to reinforce boundaries. Basically acting dumbfounded when anyone tries to play you lmao

I love this approach because it allows me to remain true to myself without “stepping outside my comfort zone” … yelling or doing the most when people over step just isn’t my 1st reaction … nor do I ever want it to be

boundaries to consider from this post (you can read them in full there)

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Nedra Glover Tawwab

Even when I set very clear, reasonable, small boundaries with our mother, she will *still* disrespect & attempt to overstep those boundaries.

I'm not sure what to do with that information but I don't like how it feels. It's not too much to ask for.

In this case the boundary was ‘hey, I'm in burnout and will not be able to speak aloud, I won't be taking off my headphones, just text me if you need to communicate’. I held firm on it but she absolutely made the effort to try & guilt trip me & annoy me out of it.

Like.....you're my parent. ¿Aren't you supposed to protect me from the world, not make the world protect me from you?