#disrespect

I, 18f have been with my bf 21m for 2.5 years now. our relationship started because I was friends with this girl who slept with my boyfriend at the time, so I ended the friendship and we left off on horrible terms. she went on to date this guy, let’s call him Z. she went on to cheat on Z, and he reached out to me solely because he knew I didn’t like her. (great start to a relationship, I know). our courting stage started off really well, I went into it thinking it would just be a fling, and my expectations were really low. but he really captivated me. our 4th date I knew I was in love with him. it took 2 months for Z to ask me to be his girlfriend and I happily accepted. a few months went by and he wouldn’t reveal anything personal about himself to me, even after me asking countless times. about 4 months into the relationship, I decided to end it since I didn’t see it going anywhere because he wouldn’t tell me anything about himself. he ended up taking me out on this amazing date a few weeks later and really opened up to me. from there we got back together, and we were really happy. 4 months after we got back together is when I started finding weird things on his phone, it started with me seeing him liking posts of Sabrina Carpenter in lingerie, and eventually progressed to me actively checking his phone, and always finding SOMETHING. a post that was saved, things he was liking. I made it very clear to him about my insecurities when it comes to lust, and how I had been cheated on in my past relationship, and how him looking at these things really upset me and made me feel inadequate. it would always be some excuse with him “I didn’t realize I liked it” “I don’t check my saved videos I don’t know what’s in there.” and then, it got worse. we have a few mutual friends, and when I had first started talking to Z, a friend had told me that he was really into one of his female friends a few years earlier, I knew that Z and this female friend were still in contact, so I asked him “did you ever have a thing for her?” he denied it, and when I told him that my sources said otherwise, he continued to deny ever liking her. now flash forward to when I’m checking his phone one day, I find not only his love confession to her from a few years prior, but 27 RECENTLY deleted text messages between the 2 of them. I ask him what the deleted messages were, and he *conveniently* can’t remember. I will admit, I had a fit and made him message her telling her what he had lied to me about, and block her.

things were good for a while after that, things had gotten really serious between us, conversation of a life together and even discussing the possibility of me moving in with him. for awhile we were briefly engaged. I really thought that once we were engaged he would step up his game a little bit. I started to notice that conversations about the next steps in our relationship was only discussed when I brought it up.

we started relationship therapy (his idea), and the entire time it felt like the therapist and Z were pinning me to be this evil bitch who has all these trust issues, when really I don’t have trust issues, he had given me said reasons to not trust him. one relationship therapy session, he essentially told me that he “can’t have emotional conversations with me because he’s not allowed to be friends with his female friend anymore” I calmly stood up, picked up my bag, and left. we’ve been on a break ever since. this was about 2 months ago. since then we’ve still continued seeing each other, and he has told me many times that he’s “working on himself” and “trying to be a better man for me” and that he “loves me and I’m the only woman for him” yada yada.

throughout this break, he gave me back panties that weren’t mine, claiming they were his moms that she must have accidentally not grabbed out of the dryer, all the sudden he’s turned into this “rave guy” who’s going out and getting trashed and going to giant raves every weekend (this mf gets overstimulated in a WALMART mind you). he’s becoming “friends” with all these women suddenly?? and I discovered he had a secret instagram account where he goes by a fake name, 90% of the followers and following are goth baddies, and his reposts are INSANE. all this weird gay shit? like reposts about being into femboys and stuff? he has an excuse for EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. do I believe him, not really. I messaged one of the girls from his instagram to ask about him, and she was very nice to me in the dms, but then went on to post some shit on her story targeted at me (never met her before btw), so it’s clear her intentions are not pure.

yesterday, we were supposed to be going to see a movie, Z picked me up, and for SOME REASON this thought in my head popped up “he has condoms in his car” it took me approximately 5 seconds to find said condoms, (we haven’t used condoms in 2 years) he’s claiming that someone was handing them out for free so “of course” he was going to take them. I told him to give me his phone, I’m going through his messages and find a text to one of his coworkers saying that he can’t come in on an off day because he’s in “*insert city* with my hg” he obviously has an excuse for it saying that he just wanted this coworker to leave him alone and it was “the first thing he could think of”. I try to go to instagram, he deleted it, I go to redownload it so I can see what he’s doing on this secret account, he starts FLIPPING OUT. but apparently because he’s asking new goth baddie female friend for “advice about me” and that she was “saying mean things that I didn’t want to see” okay….. I love this man, I really do, and I just want him to be the sweet boy that he once was but he’s constantly feeding me these excuses and empty promises.

so my question to you guys is; can people really just be this dumb?? is it humanly possible for someone to really have excuses for all this bs?? if this is what he’s doing while claiming he’s working on himself is the relationship even salvageable? being the bird I am, I really don’t want to break up, I just want him to be better. is it even feasible? I know how all this looks written down on paper, I know 99% of yall are going to tell me I should just call a spade a spade and leave, but I’m wondering if any of y’all have been in a similar situation and have found a way to make it work? thank you for your time