#adhdh

During my internship there’s been more and more instances of me losing memory. Losing track of time, anything that I haven’t written on paper, doubting everything the second someone says “Is it?”. Even stuff I’ve dealt with my whole life, like every object slipping from my hands and me accidentally hitting something and hurting myself, all just got worse.

I’m also EXTREMELY prone to flinching and numping to ANY kind of sudden noise. A coworker said I almost act as if I was “protecting” myself everytime I jump from a noise, leading me to think I had hidden trauma in my brain or something.

I… almost never feel like there’s much of any time for anything I want to actually do.

I have to force myself to smile just to get less “You sound/ look cold/uncaring/uninterested” everytime I’m just trying to fucking concentrate on what’s being said because I KNOW how sometimes even a misunderstood word can change things. Yet I just DREAD eye contact and I have to force that on me too.

Whenever I talk openly about this it’s always “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “You’re being too dramatic.” “It’s just stress, it’s normal.” “You’re in a new environment, it’s okay.” Granted the latter two are as well intentioned as they are rare, but… it doesn’t feel okay. It doesn’t feel normal. It always, constantly feels like a long hall full of locked doors, and I DO have a walkie talkie with me to complain about the abundance of lockers… yet all I hear is that they’ve always been here and that there’s gonna be more, as if that’s relevant to my point.

I have super weirdly specific interests, nothing questionable just… very niche that I really DONT have many to discuss it with without sounding like a fixated fanatic

People are confusing. So… confusing. I dont laugh at the same things as them, I always try to be sensitive and look out for everyone Only to get weird looks, I have NO idea what it feels like to be proud of a country and/or incite your football team, just.. stuff I think goes a lil beyond my introverted self. When the chips are down, I’m probably just gonna burst in tears.

I WANT to talk with my mom about consulting a psychiatrist, but… for what? Me being “tired”? Adding her another thing to worry about, on too of her own problems and my mountain of health issues? I just.. dont feel like piling on.

I don’t know what any of this is concretely is. Autism, attention disorder, anxiety… Im definetly NOT looking into the internet for an accurate diagnosis, its just that, please… if you have any ideas on what I might have or tips on who to consult, I’m all ears. Again sorry if it got SO much more serious than usual, I just..

This is more for myself but i figured I'm not the only one who could benefit from hearing it.

When it comes to friendships or relationships. You are enough.

Yes there are some things you might need to work on but don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are a side project that needs to be fixed.

Don't ever feel like you are too much or that you are unlovable. Don't ever feel grateful that someone has shown an interest or even kindness in you.

Don't ever feel like you have to make up or overcompensate for your symptoms.

If your partner or friends treat you like you are less than them, if thry are disrespectful, if they don't take your symptoms serious. Leave.

I know how difficult it is to make new friends or find new partners but those relationships will only cause more damage. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

*and if you can't leave. Know that it isn't you. Know that you deserve more. Find support and find ways to make plans to get out if you are able.

- Is it an uafw if sometimes you're fine in a smaller regular space with other people but other times it's like. I need to get out of here. Now. Even though there's just another person 2 feet away in the same corner of the kitchen but you tense up and can't function?? - ⭐️🏄🏽‍♀️

Yes, though it can also happen with anxiety

- Tuafw your sibling insists that you are not autistic because you were a 'social butterfly' when you were a kid and they also told you that anyone on the spectrum wouldn't understand sarcasm no matter what. Even of it was explained to them. Same with facial expressions. That can't be true right? Either way I feel very invalidated and depressed because of it all.

Social difficulties are a part of the diagnostic criteria for autism. Some people don’t have much of an issue with sarcasm and learn to read facial expressions but if you’ve never had a problem with it you may want to look into cousins such as ADHD. People with ADHD often find it harder to socialise as they get older, whereas autistics generally struggle from the beginning. That’s not to say you’re definitely not autistic, as you may have social difficulties you haven’t mentioned, but you should probably look at alternatives

- Question: Is it an autism thing to not want your food to touch each other on your plate? When I was a kid, this was really important to me. Over the years I've learned to let it go and even enjoy mixing food, but it took me quite a while to get there. It would even upset me to watch my older sister messing with her food. Thoughts?

Some times you will have amazing brain days and get everything on you list done. Other days..... You might not look at the list at all.

I very much need to sleep but oh well.

You know what i wish ? I wish we had more examples or adhd role models who are middle aged and take medication ( and maybe some who don't). I want to see adhd adults. I want to see successful ones, middle class ones, poc and disabled. I never realized how badly I craved accurate representation before.

I have never seen an adult with adhd on tv before. Let alone adhd person taking meds for it. The only time we see people with adhd is when they are super rich or famous and even then they are usually .....white men.

So. If you are middle aged. If you consider yourself an adult. If you have been taking medication. If you want show representation:

I have 1w bug bites and all i can focus on ia how i want to itch them. I have not slept in two days. I put cream on it and then medical tape . last night i taped ice packs on to get relief.