Im sorry to get super serious but⦠I think I might have some kind of⦠thing in my mind.
During my internship thereās been more and more instances of me losing memory. Losing track of time, anything that I havenāt written on paper, doubting everything the second someone says āIs it?ā. Even stuff Iāve dealt with my whole life, like every object slipping from my hands and me accidentally hitting something and hurting myself, all just got worse.
Iām also EXTREMELY prone to flinching and numping to ANY kind of sudden noise. A coworker said I almost act as if I was āprotectingā myself everytime I jump from a noise, leading me to think I had hidden trauma in my brain or something.
I⦠almost never feel like thereās much of any time for anything I want to actually do.
I have to force myself to smile just to get less āYou sound/ look cold/uncaring/uninterestedā everytime Iām just trying to fucking concentrate on whatās being said because I KNOW how sometimes even a misunderstood word can change things. Yet I just DREAD eye contact and I have to force that on me too.
Whenever I talk openly about this itās always āI have no idea what youāre talking about.ā āYouāre being too dramatic.ā āItās just stress, itās normal.ā āYouāre in a new environment, itās okay.ā Granted the latter two are as well intentioned as they are rare, but⦠it doesnāt feel okay. It doesnāt feel normal. It always, constantly feels like a long hall full of locked doors, and I DO have a walkie talkie with me to complain about the abundance of lockers⦠yet all I hear is that theyāve always been here and that thereās gonna be more, as if thatās relevant to my point.
I have super weirdly specific interests, nothing questionable just⦠very niche that I really DONT have many to discuss it with without sounding like a fixated fanatic
People are confusing. So⦠confusing. I dont laugh at the same things as them, I always try to be sensitive and look out for everyone Only to get weird looks, I have NO idea what it feels like to be proud of a country and/or incite your football team, just.. stuff I think goes a lil beyond my introverted self. When the chips are down, Iām probably just gonna burst in tears.
I WANT to talk with my mom about consulting a psychiatrist, but⦠for what? Me being ātiredā? Adding her another thing to worry about, on too of her own problems and my mountain of health issues? I just.. dont feel like piling on.
I donāt know what any of this is concretely is. Autism, attention disorder, anxiety⦠Im definetly NOT looking into the internet for an accurate diagnosis, its just that, please⦠if you have any ideas on what I might have or tips on who to consult, Iām all ears. Again sorry if it got SO much more serious than usual, I just..
want to know how much control do I have.

















