since it is the pride month, I want to sneak into your dashboard and say a word™️ about acephobia
while still being unsure whether i am demi or asexual, ive met plenty of acephobia on the internet for the past few years. the starting point of this post was yesterday's post on some russian network where in a comment section an asexual girl said "sex just seems gross to me, i don't know how it is to want it". maybe it wasn't 100% polite but she didn't say anything further about it and just continued expressing her opinion on another thing. then there appeared a boy who replied to this girl with this: "stop forcing people to feel shame and disgust for what is natural". but, wait, isn't it what prosexuals do most of the time?
some of the things other asexuals and demisexuals have to face when they confess about their orientation (it is what I personally read from people online):
"you won't ever have healthy and long-lasting relationship if you don't have sex with your partner."
"even if your partner says it's okay, they'll surely cheat on you and it is justified"
"you're so damn selfish, you're oppressing your partner and don't respect them"
"If you agree to date it means you MUST have sex, it is what relationship imply, if you don't want it, just don't date"
"If I were with you, I'd break up with you immediately, cos who needs a partner who doesn't want you?"
"HoW CaN YOu Not FeEL sEXuAl ATTraCtIoN To YoUr LoVEd OnE?"
"I would have been offended if my partner hadn't wanted me"
"You're just fat or ugly and nobody wants you so you say you're ace"
"Go see a doctor it's not okay"
"Maybe you're just so bad in bed that you prefer to say you're ace?"
"SeX IS ThE BeST THinG iN ThE WoRLd"
"SeX IS ThE MOst ImPoRtAnT PaRt Of THe ReLatIonShIp"
"If you're tired or have a headache or feel sick or have a depression, just have sex, it'll help"
Special personal favourite for asexuals/antisexuals who are in a relationship:
"But, like... what do you two do at night and when you have free time?"
Special personal favourite for demisexuals:
"No normal person would ever wait for long until you're ready"
Special personal favourite for asexuals/demisexuals/antisexuals who suffered from sexual abuse/rape:
"i have overcome sexual abuse and still have good sex life, what stops you? people are not all rapists and abusers!"
Special personal favourite I've heard from my stepfather:
"Who will even ask you, oh my god? He'll just go and take you and you won't say a word"
And it is only a part of a problem. Not only some prosexuals judge you for not experiencing sexual attraction, they also judge you if you do have sex life. If you refuse to try something such as anal or oral sex or any other "massively accepted and approved thing" simply because you don't feel okay with it, you will be judged, reminded that your sex life should be as various and interesting as possible, otherwise your partner breaks up with you, called plain in bed (which seems like the most offensive thing for such prosexuals)
And all in all, what is enough for an asexual to say so as to be accused of "forcing people to feel shame for what is natural":
Literally anything that means "sex is not my thing" (without judging prosexuals).
What is enough for a prosexual to say and to be not only supported but also protected by others:
Anything from the list above
And nO I'm not trying to say all the prosexuals are like this. I've also met many nice prosexuals who defense asexuals/demisexuals/antisexuals and feel empathy towards them, but the amount of disgusting prosexuals, sadly, prevails.
My personal reminder for all the asexuals and demisexuals and antisexuals out there who feel ashamed for who they are:
Sex might be the most important thing in the relationship for others, but it doesn't mean it should be this way for you
Lack of sexual desire or not having one or not having it until you know the person well enough is OKAY
You will have normal relationship if you so wish. I can personally prove it by saying that I am in a relationship and my boyfriend asks me if I'm okay with literally anything that he offers to try. The first time I willingly took off my bra in front of him he said he thought it was too early for me and that I wasn't ready. We are dating for almost a year but we haven't had sex yet (even tho we're in a long-distance relationship, he doesn't say I must have sex with him just because we haven't seen each other for few months, as I've seen other long-distance dating people say). And it CAN be the same for you.
You're not crazy, not selfish. It is not an illness.
If you don't feel okay with something others seem to enjoy, it is natural.
If you don't want to even try, just don't.
If your partner says you must have sex with them, remind them you actually mustn't. And you better leave toxic relationship as soon as you spot they're toxic.
You shouldn't feel shame for who you are, there're will always be people who understand and support and love you
But first, you should love yourself.
