Fighting off my demons...

Hey : )I wanted to post this publicly, just in case anyone else was wondering where I went. My life has been completely crazy lately and my moods have been changing so quickly, it almost feels pointless to blog, because I can be on top of the world and then wanting to die, five minutes later.I also don't want to trigger anyone, as I am dealing with a lot of emotions and am negative a lot. My depression is worsening and my suicidal thoughts are more frequent. And I actually just got a concussion on Monday. : /Another thing, is I don't feel as comfortable posting everything on the Internet, where anyone can see it. It worked for a while, but I think it's really important that I have support systems outside of Tumblr. Don't get me wrong, I love you all and I've made some really great friends on here. But, at the end of the day, when I turn off the computer, I feel quite alone. I need to stop using Tumblr as my safespot and really make an effort to get a hold of my life, off the Internet. I'm dealing with a lot of family issues and its really taking a toll on me. I almost landed myself in the psychiatric hospital yesterday again, because I was so upset over things going on.So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with this blog. I'm definitely taking a break, I don't know how long it will last. I may come on, once in a while to check some people's blogs. I may never come back. At this point, I'm trying to take it one day at a time. If anyone wants to contact me or has any questions, I'll still check my inbox once in a while. Or if we're close and you'd like to stay in touch, we can exchange phone numbers, emails, kiks, etc.Thank you for all the support and immeasurable love I've received on here. I can honestly say Tumblr has saved my life on more than one occasion. Right now, it's not what I need. Maybe it will be in a few months, I don't know. I hope this isn't my last goodbye. So for now, I'll just say *hugs* and as Galinda and Elphie say in Wicked (yes, I can't help it, Broadway's my life and I don't care if it's cheesy!) "I hope you're happy in the end." xxx : )

Nope, I'm sorry. : ( I can't keep going.

Thank you darling. xxx Right now, it just feels as if everyone does. Anyone who knows me in real life hates me and I'm having a very hard time this weekend. I'm sorry for the negativity. But I guess I can't really apologize for struggling, I'm being truthful and honest and that's better than putting on a fake smile.

I can't do this. I'm hopeless, I really need someone to talk to, I feel so disconnected. But I haven't the energy to right out a long update. There's nothing to say anyways. Everyone hates me. I'm a selfish, rude, disgusting, wasted mistake and I don't deserve anything. I need to talk to someone. About anything. Just not on here, I can't even focus on Tumblr. I've been in my bed for 6 hours... I don't know...

Sorry for not posting as much. I've had two snow days and have been working on homework (WHAT'S NEW?? : P) But I have school today and am babysitting afterwards from 4:30 till 10, so I've got another busy day ahead. Just trying to keep calm. This is the first day I'm going to try my new anti-anxiety medication my psychiatrist prescribed to me, at school. I'm really hoping it'll help me get through the day. We'll see : )

Awww, this was so sweet to wake up to!!! Thank you for thinking of me and sharing this with me. I'm smiling as I right this and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I just love when people think of and talk to me, I feel valued and loved. : )Excuse my cheesiness, I agree with you, this is a neat quote. Thank you for sharing it and it makes me happy to know that it helps you. I've got a couple of different things that keep me going personally as well. Different quotes, videos, people, songs, life is full of beauty and we have to remember that. No matter where you are, what your circumstances are, you can ALWAYS find good in a situation. You're too cute, thanks so much sunshine! You're incredibly beautiful and gorgeous yourself!! Lots of love xxx

I got a new beanie and am feeling okay. I think I just have to accept that nothing’s ever going to be a smooth ride. It might get easier, it might not. I’m hoping it will, but I’m trying to remain realistic. So many people say it’ll get better and my guidance counselor told me it the other day, that she promised it, and doesn’t just throw out promises. I have a problem with “catastrophizing”, extreme black and white thinking. And I have to realize, NOTHING will ever go perfectly. In fact, that’s what I’m trying to recover from! That obsessive mindset circling perfection that’s caused me all my current and past struggles. Having depression sucks, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It feels like hell. But no matter how hard you try to shut yourself in the dark, light will try its very hardest to seep through the smallest crack. There’s always hope. And I’m trying to remember that.

Ugh, my dad will not accept that I’d like extensions on my work, just temporarily, as I get better and the medicine kicks in. Like, its not a huge deal? I’m trying to recover from depression and anxiety, while returning to school and its a lot to come back to. I’m 95% sure most of my teachers would rather have me turn in projects a few days later than turn them in on time after pulling an all-nighter sobbing, wishing I were dead… THIS is what I’ve been telling him to stop for the past 14 years of my life! WHY does he want me to be perfect?? I’m going to start crying, I mean, it just upsets me so much. He can’t have a daughter who might need some extra time. Only one who wins all the awards, is the top student, a star athlete, is friendly to everyone, and volunteers places, blah, blah, blah. And I’ve been that! For my whole life! And look how I ended up! I mean, he sat me down when I was about nine and told me he wanted me to be valedictorian. I didn’t even know what that word meant!! And now he’s been better, but it just really hurts. For once, I’m advocating for myself and saying what I need, and he’s questioning me and saying I don’t need it. No, I don’t, and I’ll probably end up in a terrible place again. It’s just, I’m trying to help myself, and he won’t accept it! This day has been so hard and tomorrow’s Monday which is school. I just need some hugs, honestly. I’m an emotional wreck tonight.

I'm trying, it's just so hard. But thank you for writing me this lovely xxxI wish I had more support at school. It's just super hard going from one extreme (not doing homework or attending school for 6 weeks) to another (tons of projects, tests, and work). I wish I had a bit of extended time, even just temporarily as I get back into the swing of things. I might talk to my guidance counselor about it if I see her, it's just I hate for people to make any extra effort towards me. I wish I could just do everything perfectly and not bother anyone. But that's my low self-esteem, think-I'm-a-burden-towards-everyone thoughts talking. And even though all that seems really real to me at the moment, I know when I start to calm down and think a bit clearer that it's not true. I know my guidance counselor is there and she's said she's here for me. It's just, I don't know her all that well, and even though I love her as a person, I feel uncomfortable burdening her with my problems when she has her own job to do. My dad's trying to help me out with my homework. What I do is look at everything, freak out, and shut down. It's hard for me to do one thing at a time and my anxiety often prevents me from actually doing any work. I don't know I'm trying. I just feel really awful tonight.But, thank you for the message, you're wonderful xxx <33

I’ve just been sobbing for the past two hours, buried in my bed with no hopes for anything. I’m so depressed today. I don’t have the energy to do my homework (5 page history essay, 12+ slide PowerPoint for French, 20 pages of notes for biology, math homework, read 3 chapters of this English book, a project for art, and studying for a difficult biology and history test, and that’s normal). I just wish I had someone to talk to. Like, in real life or texting or something. But, even typing this is exhausting. I don’t know what to do. This girl I kind of know texted me, asking how my new school is, I said its fine, but hard. She just said, yup, that’s high school. Which left me feeling even worse. Like, no, my school’s workload is super crazy cuz it's private and college-prep or whatever and I’m a mess and can’t handle what I should be able to. I’m so tired. Of all of this. My dad doesn’t really understand the depression, he thinks I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. I just feel done. Whatever that means.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you xxxYou're my new best friend, okay anon? Such a cutie, thank you so much. This put a smile on my face.

Hey Casey, thank you beautiful for the concern xxxI probably should've updated in answer to this question, but yes, I just wrote an explanation of that post. Last night I was just a wreck. I was crying and so sleep-deprived and all that fun stuff. But, I couldn't go to bed, because I had to finish my project. My dad understands, since he also gets anxiety (luckily, not nearly as bad as mine) and is a perfectionist. He says how emotionally, he feels he'd rather die than fail, which is exactly my mindset, although it's obviously not a healthy one. But it was nice to talk, because I relate to him a lot.We had a really good talk today about everything. He says how proud he is of me that I've been able to make decisions lately to benefit myself. It's a process, but I'm slowly learning it's okay to be "selfish". Especially, after depriving myself of the necessities for so long. And that people won't hate me if I have needs. We all have needs and that's NOT a bad thing!I know it's easier said than done, I still can't follow what I've just started very well, but at least I'm realizing it.I know I've gone a bit off-topic of the initial question, but thank you, and I'm okay. Not great, but not awful. I'm fighting and tonight I'm feeling really strong and motivated. Except...it's late and I probably should sleep. *sigh*Thanks beautiful girl for being so wonderful. You're always here for me and you have no idea how much you've helped, I love you so much, you deserve all the puppies in the world! Your incredible support puts a smile on my face, you're honestly one of my closest friends on here. If anyone doesn't already, go follow Casey, she's super amazing and send her lots of happy messages and puppies, I'm sure she'd love it! : ) xxx

Ugh, so yesterday. I went to school to be greeted by a failed math quiz. I have never failed anything, I’ve never got anything lower than a B- before. And I don’t say that to brag, it’s just I’m used to getting A’s, so it was a really nasty surprise. I was so upset and just got a paper and wrote down all the thoughts my head was screaming at me. I didn’t know what to do. And, I guess it just all went downhill from there. I went to homeroom (my school’s weird, homeroom’s 2nd) and found out I’m being charged for my late knitting loom I took out from the library. I haven’t been able to return it become I’ve been out for 6 weeks!! So, that just made it worse. Then for the rest of the day I was in a constant panic/anxious/need-to-get-out mode. Some teachers even commented I looked exhausted or asked what was wrong, even though I tried to hide it. I then started having anxiety attacks and just couldn’t focus or calm down and started texting my dad to pick me up. He almost had the guidance counselor come and look for me, because he was worried, but I told him not to, even though that’s exactly what I needed. He picked me up at 12:30 and I was so, so relieved. I think I just needed to get out of that environment. When I start to have an anxiety attack, I need ten minutes somewhere else and usually, with support, I’m able to get through it. I had a psychiatrist appointment that went really well. My therapist wanted my antidepressant dosage higher, but it hasn’t reached 6 weeks of taking it, so I’m waiting that out. But I am so happy. I’m starting anti-anxiety meds. My anxiety is so strong and always has been. I’m just relieved that I may get some time of calmness soon. That night ended with me hysterically sobbing for hours as I tried and tried to finish a project for biology. It was so late, I was mentally and physically exhausted after my eventful day and I just couldn’t do it. FINALLY, my dad said he’d ask my guidance counselor if I could have an extension, which I’d been hoping he’d ask, because I’m awful at requesting anything for myself other than my basic needs. This morning she obviously agreed and gave me a pass to leave biology to work on homework in guidance. She asked me if I was okay and I said “I’m fine”, and she’s like, “You’re such a liar!” teasingly. I love her, she probably doesn’t like me, but she’s just such a nice person. Unfortunately, today was filled with numerous anxiety attacks and it was hard. But, I survived. And tomorrow’s Friday, thank you Lord!