virgin in practice, boytoy in theory

I’m okay

I love you

Thank you

It’s alright

I’m not hurt

I’m not hurt too badly

You’re lovely/wonderful/kind

I enjoyed it

It was worth it

Take your time

Do you need anything?

Do you want a cuddle?

Do you want me to get dressed/take the collar off/put the crop away?

Do you want to talk about it?

I’m here

You’re not a bad person

Top drop/dom drop usually comes from shock, guilt or insecurity about the way you have just treated someone whose well-being you care about very much. Like sub drop, it is usually accompanied by a fall in endorphins and general energy levels. Especially for aces (who I find have a greater need to be in the right mindset/’zone’ for play and intimacy), a ‘snap’ moment where you break out of play mode can throw you emotionally, and the end of play causes a similar reassessment or double-take at what happened during the scene.

Doms do and say a lot of shit sometimes, most of the time it is not an accurate reflection of who we are or at least it is not ALL we are.

I need to know you are ok but I also need to feel like a person after everything is over, so let me hug you and kiss you and give you head pats to show you I care, that I love you.

That I am human.

And you care about me too.

I remember someone in here saying something along the lines of “ I’m not a kink dispensary” and I didn’t completely understand back then, but now I sadly do.

When we talk about kink, a lot of the time people treat safe words as if they are exclusively an expression of an absolute limit. A firm proclamation that the scene is too rough, the pain too much, the situation too extreme, and that the entire thing needs to stop. Safeword use in such situations is obviously essential and mandatory in order to bring the scene or sensation to an end and ensure the safety of all participants. This is not, however, the only time a safeword should be used.

They can be used to express when someone is at their limit. They can mean the scene needs to end completely because the sub can't take it anymore at all. But they don't have to mean that. Safewords should be used to pause or stop the scene and break character for any reason. You can also use your safeword to pause and discuss a limit, communicate that something is or isn't working for you, ensure that everything is going to plan, take a water break, go get a toy from the other room, check with your partner about something, pause to change your laundry, or do absolutely anything else out of character related to your scene.

This is why a lot of people use green/yellow/red.

Green - continue

Yellow - pause and make a change (this can be anything from "slow down a little bit" to "I need something different but want to keep going")

Red - I need this situation to be over and for us to get right into aftercare.

What a lot of people seem to miss is that in this framework yellow is also a safeword.

All of this is ignoring the additional dimension that Dominants also need to safeword!! It's completely normal and if you're doing a lot of BDSM it should happen in your daily kink life often. Real life is not a romance novel.

It’s fun to pretend a kink has fully corrupted every aspect of your life, and that it isn’t “just a kink” anymore. But it is just a kink. You can stop and take a break anytime if you want to. If you genuinely feel like it’s not just a kink anymore, you should consider taking a break from kink until the line between fantasy and reality firms up again. Similarly, if it’s (negatively) impacting your grades or work performance, it may be time to take a step back.

It is just a kink. If your dom, play partner(s), etc refuse to step out of the “bit,” as it were, in order to negotiate, talk boundaries and limits, and other basic responsible kink stuff, I personally feel like that’s a bit of a red flag. It’s similar to when doms barge into subs’ inboxes calling them whores and sluts before asking for your name, or when subs start calling doms daddy/mommy without permission first. You should be able to have a normal, human conversation with this person before you do anything kinky.

It is just a kink. Thought crime isn’t real, you aren’t doing anything wrong. Is everyone having fun? Is everyone a consenting adult? Great, you keep doing you.

It is just a kink. With the exception of hypnosis and similar conditioning, no one can change the fundamentals of who you are as a person. Even in the case of hypno, you should have very strong trust with your partner before you do that, and a responsible tist will give you failsafes and escape routes, if you will, so you can still safeword and end a scene if you need to. Anyone trying to change who you are as a person outside of a scene or dynamic should be side-eyed.

It is just a kink. It should be fun. Obviously things happen and we sometimes have not-so-fun experiences in kink, but on average, if you’re not having fun, I think you might doing something wrong. (This isn’t to say you can’t do dark/scary/fucked up things as scenes—but be conscious of if you’re doing it because it’s fun/cathartic/a net positive for you, or if you’re doing it as a form of self harm.)

It's okay if you're not in the mood to play. It's okay if you don't want to be touched, or if you feel too tired to lead.

It's okay if you need a break, or if you experience dom drop and don't feel like yourself.

Your needs matter, too. You don't have to perform an endless role of being in control. You're allowed to be human, to step back, to say "Not today."

And it’s okay to lean on your partner and let them take care of you, in whatever way you need that.

Your worth as a Dom isn't measured by how much you can give without rest. It's measured by how honestly you show up, for yourself and for them.

You cannot practice ethical kink while being a conservative. You cannot practice ethical kink while being a racist. You cannot practice ethical kink while being a sexist. A homophobe. A transphobe. An islamaphobe. You cannot be anti-immigrant, anti-refugee, or anti-asylum seeker while practicing ethical kink. You cannot practice ethical kink while being a theocrat, whether it be christo fascism or zionism. You cannot practice ethical kink while being a fascist. Holding any ideology which dehumanizes others, or allows for their dehumanization removes ones ability to practice ethical kink.