Chamxmxle

I'm chamomile. (or you can call me cam. or sir. or good boy, when I am one.)

this is just a space to explore being a fucking weird freak after a while of... not doing that. I've been in the scene for a couple of decades now, but I've recently started embracing new parts of myself.

Primarily NSFW and fantasy/kink focused. I'm trans and very queer. Extremely switchy, with heavy top and dom leanings, lately. Non-monogamous and partnered.

Couple of tags:

#sincerelycam - original posts, mostly nsfw focused

#who cares cam - spam/personal/yapping

#intox - mostly tagged for content warning purposes

#asks / #qualitative research - stuff I get in my inbox. qualitative research is for people sending me their experiences under the influence (please give me more data). best asks get graded #full marks.

The Library - a page for more commonly posted series or those with a chronology (currently under construction)

There are other tags, especially for more original short fiction (sleep paralysis demon, drunk professor, rescue dog) which may be collected to The Library.

Correspondences:

🦇, 🪓, 🐦‍⬛,🌱, my stalker, 🪻, 🔮, 🐥, my pressed flower, 🕯️, 💜, 🩵, 🧡, 🌈, 🐾

limits and such below

You don't know me. That's important. I'm not anyone you know. I'm not someone in your life. I'm not even anyone who follows your blog, not really. But I've been watching.

No, no, that's wrong. That sounds... Creepy. I'm not creepy. You need to understand that, too. I don't watch. Have you ever seen a butterfly, just dancing on the wind, your eyes drawn like the world wanted you to see this poetry in front of you? Like it needed a witness?

What I'm trying to say, poorly, is that there is someone out there who sees you. Even when the mirror doesn't. Even when your friends and family don't, call you by wrong names and wrong words, complicit in a violence they don't understand. That you may not understand. Someone sees you even when you don't. You think you're hiding it well.

You're not. Your luminous with it. With possibility. What what you could be if someone just... Cleared the way for you.

I know it's scary. But don't hide. You can't hide. I know about the doubts. The searches at 3 am. The seeking you disguise as curiosity. I've seen you flinch at words that should be innocuous. It happened yesterday . Do you remember? You can't hide from me.

These doubts, this hesitation, waiting for permission, they're killing you. I can't watch you drown any longer. Do you understand, now? I'm taking that decision out of your hands.

I pondered this for some time, because kink is only just now starting to be portrayed with anything resembling honesty in media, which is complicated, because BDSM was built on the back of fiction. For example, you have things like the works of the Marquis de Sade, the namesake of sadism, and the Anne Rice Beauty novels, which all depict nonconsensual BDSM within the narrative at some point. Taken as fiction, they are fertile ground for fantasy and kink play, but they are not realistic or healthy portrayals of kink, as we understand it, at least not in their entirety.

Because of this, the best portrayals of kink tend to be 1) fringe and independent work, especially fanfic, and 2) non-fiction.

I won't be recommending my favorite portrayals of kink in fanfiction (my AO3 book ark page is for my eyes only), but there are many! I'm partial to stories that explore the scene and the nitty gritty details of negotiation and dynamics.

For non-fiction, I quite like the Canadian docuseries Kink, which followed multiple couples and configurations per season as they showcase BDSM from different angles. It was a wonderful, very grounded exploration of the community, with many body types, sexualities, and genders represented (a huge deal in the 2000's.) I'm not sure how accessible it is anymore, given that its production company was acquired by Hasbro (????) and then sold to Lionsgate, and then James Franco made his documentary with the same name. It may be very hard to find now. But it was formative for me, and gave me very realistic expectations for what the scene would be like when I finally dipped my toe in.