nothing pisses me off more than a proud “no msg!” label on something. shut up you dumb bitch put the msg back in there so it tastes good. idiot

Nothing worse when looking at food than seeing "We made the food worse cause we're racist" on the container

Babysitting a toddler is a lot like being the narration in a point-and-click adventure game. Watching him knock on the doors of empty rooms and saying "hmm. I don't think anyone's in there". Watching him attempt to use [spoon] on [cat] and saying "I don't think those things go together". Watching him throw a cup of water onto the floor and just commenting "the floor is wet now" when he looks up at me to see if I approve.

endgame is so funny to me bc they were like ‘a ten year culmination! a proper sendoff to the avengers! the perfect ending!’ and then it proceeded to give the og avengers the actual worst possible endings. thor spends five years locked in a shack and then leaves his people to become a space pirate, despite asgard being his number one concern. tony spent five years out of the public eye, did very little inventing, and then dies. bruce (who hates the spotlight) became a celebrity and has a “catch phrase”. natasha’s found family abandoned her for five years and then she dies at the bottom of a cliff. clint became a ruthless killer with no morality, killing hundreds of people. steve spends five years doing nothing except mourning someone who died of old age, then chooses a white picket fence instead of the picket line. like HELLO? 

There was really no winning that one

i know the way people talk about their pets now is probably how we’ve been doing it for all of history. a cat owner in ancient rome saw their cat lounging on the dining pillows and commented “he thinks himself to be the senator claudius 🤣”

How quickly we forget the dangerous crow boy who’s job it is to destroy plastic

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

Never getting over Charlie Kirk getting shot in the throat right after he uses it to downplay gun violence. Gotta be a top 3 assassination. Up there with Shinzo getting doohickey'd.

It's on some straight up Greek play shit. Man who uses his voice to justify violence and stir evil for years meets his end as that very violence tears out his throat. Poetic. Captured live from multiple angles. People stole his blood soaked merch to hock and his wife was giddy about sale numbers during his funeral.

maybe progress could be linear if i try hard enough

come back to me most perfect of comics