âYou two look very intense, poppets,â says Ivana, stepping delicately out into the yard. âEverything all right?â
Jack huffs, and I give Ivana a smile.
âJust⌠things we never had. Itâs okay to be sad about them. Grieve for them.â
âMmmm. Yes, poppet, it is.â She rests her fingers on Jackâs shoulder for a moment and then comes to lean against the wall with us. âDo you know what it should have looked like in there? Wall to wall queens of a certain age. I should have had mentors out the wazoo when I was coming up. But they werenât there. Most of them. They all died, and polite society said they had it coming.â
I blink at the bitterness in her voice, Iâve never heard her anything less than hostess-with-the-mostest before.
But then, I know what itâs like to wear a persona in public. And sheâs allowed to be bitter about what happened to her community.
Mine, too.
âI had that, I suppose. Or - I would have done if I was ever home between the ages of like sixteen and now.â I sigh very softly. âBut they didnât have it. When they were coming up. I learned on the road, and they⌠I guess they had to teach themselves.â
âExactly, poppet,â Ivana says. âI mean, itâs not like there werenât any. But there werenât nearly as many as there shouldâve been.â Sheâs quiet for a long moment, and then - âBut then I already knew how that felt. You know Iâve got a big family, poppet.â
Jack nods. âHowâs the non-binary nibling?â
âDoing grand, thank you for asking. Most of the aunties and uncles and cousins have got their heads round saying âtheyâ. Took some of them a while. My grandma though - their great-grandma - didnât bat an eyelid. Her uncle was like them, after all. Like me, a bit, too.â She pauses again, and when I glance up at her I think Iâm seeing past the persona, past the makeup to who she is underneath, the civilian as Jack refers to her out of uniform, the one whose name he still doesnât know. âUncle Moshe didnât make it out of Berlin,â she says after a moment. âGrandma came over on the Kindertransport. Never saw the rest of them again. So you see, poppets, I should have had so many more people there, too. And Iâll be grieving my whole life for all of them.â
I have to swallow hard, at that. For once I donât know what to say and my eyes are prickling at the pain in her voice.
âHuh,â Jack says. âIâd be fucking fuming.â
âOh, I am, poppet,â Ivana says. âI am. This whole thing, everything you see before you - itâs a protest. Itâs a protest, and a fuck-you to polite society and everyone who thinks any of my people had it coming. So you know I know how youâre feeling. You come to me if you need to talk about it, ever.â She fixes me with a steady look, one eyebrow up. âThat goes for you, too, famous boy. You ever need to talk to someone about coming up gay with nobody to ask about it, you give me a call. Iâm sure youâve figured yourself out now, but itâs never too late for a heart-to-heart.â
I blink, slowly, give her a nod and a small smile. âI will. Thank you. It was⌠I did it my own way. But it would have been good to have someone to talk to.â
âBefore coming out on live television at the age of like eighteen and three days by means of singing fucking Santa Baby with all the lyrics intact?â Jack says. âYou thought that one through all right.â
âI did!â I protest. âI wanted people to know. I didnât want to keep it a secret. And I did sing been an awful good boy. It wouldnât have made sense otherwise.â
Ivana chuckles. âNow thatâs exactly what I would have advised you to do, poppet. I might have asked you if you were sure, but Iâve never seen any sense in keeping secrets about who you are. People will just have to accept you, and fuck them if they wonât.â
âExactly.â I hold out a fist for her to bump, which she does; Jack rolls his eyes.
Oh, IVANA. She's been breaking my heart ever since I figured it out. I think she might have more to say about it, but that's what I got just now. <3333333 Thank you so much for asking, and for everything.