Summer Of Anything And Everything

here’s the plot bunny that just jumped out at me:

-Cody is a purge trooper, serving under Darth Vader

-Vader somehow gets ahold of baby Luke, and assigns Cody to Luke personally, with orders to protect Luke at any cost.

-Cody is a good soldier

-Cody follows orders

-Cody decides that Luke’s current situation is, in fact, not safe. Partially because the Emperor clearly intends to train Luke as an apprentice and Cody can see what that did to the last guy (there is no way Cody doesn’t know who Vader is), partially because children need things like “friends” and “positive role models” and “houseplants”, partially because of Vader himself (Cody’s like “wow this possessive obsessive murderous asshole’s gonna give this kid so many daddy issues”)

-Cody yeets himself and Luke the hell out of there

-Cody proceeds to find the safest, most supportive, most house-plant-y place he can to raise Luke, because Cody takes his orders seriously

-Cody gets really offended whenever anyone suggests that he deserted or is on the run from the Empire, because he’s a LOYAL SOLDIER who’s just FOLLOWING ORDERS

-When Luke joins the Rebellion, Cody does too, because he’s still gotta protect Luke

-he insists that he is still a loyal soldier of the Empire, and for all intents and purposes, he is, he’s just, on special assignment.

-When Rebellion leaders express concern about the Purge Trooper actively professing loyalty to Vader and Palpatine, Luke’s like “oh lmao don’t worry Dad’s just like that”

-Rex is so confused and pissed off

-but also happy

-Above Yavin IV, Cody manages to steal a TIE fighter and hovers aggressively behind Luke, shooting the shit out of anyone who comes near him

-Luke is on Bespin. Vader is on Bespin. Vader is dueling Luke and taunting him about the Dark Side. Vader is about to disarm (and dis-hand) Luke. Vader gets fucking tackled by a purge trooper, out of fucking nowhere. Cody just. fucking YEETS himself on top of him, punches him a couple of times, then grabs Luke and books it.

-Vader is so confused

- “was that fucking CODY”

-he thinks Cody’s betrayed him

-he starts trying all the old secret communication channels that imperial spec ops has

-he gets ahold of Cody

-Cody is more than happy to give him a mission update, and is confused and offended when Vader accuses him of treason

- “I’m following orders sir you said to protect him and that’s what I’m doing”

- “you STOLE my SON”

- “I removed him from an unsafe situation and cut contact with individuals likely to have a negative impact on his emotional wellbeing”

- Vader has zero chance of winning this argument, Cody has an entire library of parenting books and child psych texts to throw at him

-anyway fast-forwarding to the Battle of Endor

-Luke and Vader face off again with Palpatine being an evil cackling shit in the background

-Luke has decided that since Cody is “dad” Vader can be “father”

-Luke getting zapped by Palpatine, “Father please, help me”

-Vader having an existential crisis

-out of fucking nowhere, Cody just full-body tackles Palpatine and yeets him into the reactor shaft

-Vader: “…I was gonna do that”

-Cody: “glad to hear it, sir. Keep it up and I might consider weekend visitation rights”

-Cody’s black armor is not Vader’s fault. It’s Cody’s. The Empire was majorly shaking up the army’s aesthetic and Cody is always a man On Top of fashion trends, and he saw Vader’s armor and went “pffft i could wear that better”

-when Vader said “protect Luke at any cost” Cody interpreted that literally and persuaded Vader to set up an untraceable bank account with a truly absurd amount of money in it. After Cody absconds with Luke Vader can see money coming out of the account but he has no way to figure out what Cody’s buying or where he’s buying it and it pisses him off so much

-Obi-Wan is still alive in this timeline. he’s been trying to track Luke down but because Cody is Very Good at his Job he doesn’t find him until after Endor

-actually i think it would be very funny if Obi-Wan showed up literally right after Endor, while they’re all having their celebration. Vader is there. Cody is hovering menacingly right behind Luke, who is trying to get his Dad and his Father to get along (Cody is confused because as far as he knows, he and his commanding officer are on perfectly cordial terms)

-Cody’s like “oh HEY obiwan” and immediately tries to kill him because technically speaking no one ever revoked order 66

-Luke still finds out that Vader is his father via Dramatic Reveal on Bespin. he’s upset that Cody didn’t tell him. Cody didn’t tell him because clones don’t have fathers so it literally never occurred to him that it might be relevant

-Cody absolutely follows Luke to Jedi Swamp Camp on Dagobah. 

-Of course, he immediately tries to kill Yoda. Luke’s entire jedi training takes place on the move, as he and Yoda are fleeing through the swamp while being stalked by an Imperial Purge Trooper

-Luke still texts w/ his dad every night tho, to let him know he’s okay and having fun at Jedi Swamp Camp

-Cody’s like “okay honey don’t forget to eat ur snacks also you should be more careful about breaking vegetation i know exactly which direction you’re heading XOXO”

-Han Solo legitimately bails on the Rebellion because Cody gave him the Galaxy’s Most Intimidating Shovel Talk

-it only lasted about 5 minutes tho because Cody hauled him back because Luke would be sad if he left

-Luke finds out Leia is his sister. Cody finds out he has another kid to take care of. (Cody is fully capable of interpreting “protect my son” as “protect my offspring of indeterminate gender” because clones only ever had a vague understanding of gender anyway)

-Luke doesn’t inherit his father’s lightsaber from Obi-Wan. Instead, Cody hands him a lightsaber that he just happened to have lying around and told him “this belonged to some dipshit who couldn’t stop dropping it. I’ve added a wrist strap for you.”

-in this au, Luke’s fighting style involves a lot more bodily contact, because of reasons

-Leia asks Cody about her biological parents, since Cody knew them before the empire

-Cody: “your father was a dramatic idiot. Your mother was a dramatic idiot, but more compact.”

-during Luke’s childhood, Cody was absolutely that overly involved PTA parent who bullied everyone into making cookies for the school bake sale

-he was also the parent who organized playdates and volunteered to chaperone all the field trips

-Luke’s first teacher deserves a fucking medal because during the first parent-teacher conference of the year a fucking Purge Trooper shows up and sits down and starts asking questions like “is Luke getting adequate social support in your classroom” and “what changes should we make at home to support Luke’s education” with a very serious face.

-Cody has difficulty helping Luke with his homework because it’s not like they ever taught clones things like history or writing or literary analysis

-Return of the Jedi, Act 1. Scene: Sarlacc Pit. Cody’s mostly sitting back because he and Luke came up with the “backflip off a diving board over certain death while R2 yeets you your lightsaber” plan and he’s very confident in it

-however

-Boba Fett comes zooming in to do some fuck shit

-and immediately gets tackled by Cody, who just throws him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and hauls him away going “idiot little brothers need to quit touching my shit”

-Boba is immediately overtaken by childhood instincts and goes “i am OLDER THAN YOU” before he even realizes who’s carrying him

-Luke’s preschool teacher: “and uhh how old are you, Mr. Trooper?”

@midnightmeatsubway i made a brainstorming doc bc i’m apparently writing this now and i have decided that Cody never actually gets his chip removed because it’s funnier that way. Like, Rex ties him down and the surgeons try, but for ~obscure medical reasons~ it’s too risky bc it would probably kill him like Tup’s did. So Order 66 remains in full effect for Cody until Vader officially revokes it after Endor. And then he offers Cody a formal discharge with full honors. Cody’s like “it’s been an honor serving with you sir” and then the moment he’s no longer legally under Vader’s command he just, decks him right in the face because he’s been wanting to punch Anakin literally ever since he met him. 

Cody still tries to kill obi-wan on sight, though, just for old time’s sake. Only difference is now they can sit down for tea after.

-Cody gets to retire back to whatever planet he raised Luke on, and he brings Rex and Wolffe with him because Seelos sucks. Luke ends up founding his Jedi Summer Camp less than an hour away.

I've got feelings about Jason and Bruce's relationship, so let's talk about it. As always, I'm mixing up my own continuity cocktail of pre-crisis and post-crisis and adding just a little splash of headcanon for color.

The year is 1984. The comic is Batman #368

We all know this issue as the debut of Jason Todd as Robin. More accurately, it's his first appearance as an official Batman-sanctioned Robin. (See #366 when Jason steals Dick's uniform and flies to Guatemala).

Anyway, this issue starts with the first and (to my knowledge) the last voluntary and consensual passing of the Robin mantle. Isn't that fun?

Jason is ecstatic and goes to change into his newly bequeathed colors while Bruce and Dick exchange misty-eyed nods. There's fatherly hands on shoulders and lumps in their throats and it's all very sweet.

Dick shares with Bruce a hearty handshake before leaving the cave. Over his shoulder he calls out one final farewell: "So long, Robin. Be great." And when Dick's footsteps finally fade into the shadows:

Jason shares his worries about not receiving any credit for his acts. He knows that this is selfish, and he admits to being ashamed that he even said it. He's being incredibly honest and vulnerable with Bruce, which is something I feel we don't get to see often enough.

Bruce gives an obligatory speech about how Jason will be serving justice and saving lives. He says that with this job, there is no room for a big ego. But he also says "No need to be so hard on yourself, Jay."

And in a shocking twist, Good Parent Bruce Wayne is equally honest and vulnerable and shares this little anecdote with his son:

Bruce lays a gloved hand on the new Robin's narrow shoulders, and tells him in earnest that it gets easier. He says that with every innocent life saved, that need for recognition feels less urgent. With every look of relief and gratitude on the faces of would-be victims, the glory seems less important.

(and stepping into headcanon land:)

Jason takes a deep breath, and puts on a smile. "I know you're probably right, Batman... about it getting easier?"

His smile sinks into something closer to a grimace. "And I want to believe all that stuff you said about seeing the gratitude on people's faces, and--"

Jason's bitter laugh comes out as a huff. He looks down at his hands which fidget nervously in their brand new green gloves. When he continues, his voice is little more than a whisper.

"I want to help people... I-I want to be great, just like Dick said." Trying and failing to meet Bruce's gaze, Jason throws his eyes up to search the vaulted shadows of the cave. "It just sucks that no one will know it's really me."

Bruce is reminded, not the last time, that Jason is not Dick. The same lectures he gave the first Robin won't work half so well this time around. Jason's situation is fundamentally different. The kid is stepping into a pair of well worn shoes that won't be easy to fill. Bruce sighs, and pulls his son into a hug.

"You're beginning with a rich legacy behind you, Jason, and no one can ever know who's behind that mask." He rests his chin on top of the lad's head, and squeezes as if he could draw out every last bit of self-doubt. "... but I'll always know it's really you... and I will be so proud."

(and stepping back into canon:)

Seven-odd years have passed, and a countless number of odd things have happened. Jason was gone. He was dead... but then he comes back.

He comes back to loneliness, and hunger, and so much pain. He comes back to a world that he does not recognize, and he comes back to a Batman who is so different from the one he left behind.

Talia has been warned of the so-called "Pit Madness". Her father has told her of the rage and darkness that now live in young Jason's heart. He has told her that she's unleashed a pestilence upon the earth.

But her father is wrong. It is not rage that burns in Jason's heart, but a cold and calculated revenge.

One week later, and all the pieces are in place: Batman is six blocks away, staking out a bunch of Penguin's men, waiting on a weapons seller who will never show. This gives Jason just enough time to plant the bomb on the Batmobile. A combination of Lead Azide and RDX placed six inches behind the back left tire. As close as he can get to the fuel line. And then, all there is to do is wait until the bastard arrives.

Jason watches as the Bat makes his approach. He glares through the slatted window with his thumb hovering just above the button. He waits for his moment.

Batman walks wearily toward the car. Towards safety. Towards home. He doesn't yet sense any danger. He doesn't yet see Death lurking before him. He opens the door.

You made this happen. Jason thinks, his thumb pressing every so sightly upon the trigger.

You.

And then it happens. Batman enters the vehicle and the time has come.... but Jason can't do.

He did everything right. He planned it all with expert precision. He crossed every 't', and meticulously dotted each and every 'i', but when the moment of his glory is upon him, Jason realizes that it isn't what he wants.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's not what you think," he says to Talia.

"I'm gonna kill him," Jason says, "but he's gonna look me in the eye when he goes."

A cold wind screams across his face, brushing his dark hair into even darker eyes.

Take frequent breaks (drink water too!) and do your goddamn wrist stretches

"state alchemist annual research budget 1000000 cenz state alchemist annual destruction compensation budget 9847382739283 cenz someone who is good at budgeting please help my military economy is dying" – the sign outside bradley's office

(riza is good at budgeting. she does not help)

oh dear oh boy okay, I've tried to explain this to people and had them just get more annoyed, so I'll give it a shot, but no promises that it will make any sense. Disclaimer also that I don't really know what I'm talking about, I've just done a lot of baking, and ages ago I read something by Plato explaining why the musical scale is how it is, and I'm extrapolating from the two

(wow this turned out way longer than I meant it to because IT'S MIDNIGHT)

the metric system is a base 10 system, like most modern human math, so it is easy to use in the way people tend to do math these days - ie, by sitting down with either a piece of paper or a calculator and doing sums. It's a good system for a lot of things, especially scientific applications where you need to be VERY precise and don't want to waste time converting units, and need to do shit like calculus. It's a highly rational way of doing it...if you are literate.

if you aren't literate, or are less literate, it's not a sensible way to construct a measuring system at all. If you measure something and come up with 367.45 cm, that's nothing. You're going to forget it, and you can't easily divide it by anything, there's no way to go from here

But consider the English Foot. We've all been working with a base 12 system without realizing it, and without really utilizing it for what it's best for, which is easy mental division. This is where people get mad at me, they say math all gets terrible and ugly when you do it in feet, you end up trying to figure out how many sixteenths of an inch 0.135 is, or you end up with repeating decimals, and it all sucks super bad. To this I say yes, it does, because you're thinking like a modern algebra student, and not like a medieval bricklayer.

The base 12 system of the traditional English foot is fantastic for mental math, because 12 is a highly divisible number. It's easily divisible into halves, thirds, quarters, and sixths by most people in their heads. The inch is then typically divided into 1/16ths, which *super* suck to deal with on a calculator, but are really quite friendly if you just keep them as fractions like God and the Magna Carta intended. This is the kind of math most artisans need to do. You want supports placed evenly along a wall, to divide a piece of fabric in half, or to double a recipe. Nobody 1.7x's a recipe. Metric would be great for that, but why would you do that? It wouldn't be worth the math involved.

And listen, I also use a lot of metric baking recipes. Everything is in grams, you can measure everything the same way, and it's super accurate. They're great if you have a digital scale, but before the age of digital scales? Unfathomable. You (a medieval peasant) have a cup you've decided is The Cup, and sometimes you put in a half or a third or a quarter of that cup. THAT makes sense. Also, it's a lot easier to double something that calls for 1 cup of flour than it is when it calls for 136 grams of flour, and this is for me, a person who learned math in the typical modern way and always has a calculator in their pocket. I would have the sourdough recipe I make every week memorized if it wasn't in fucking grams. I DO have my pie crust recipe memorized. For every cup of flour you put in a third of a cup shortening, one tablespoon of butter, and start with 3 tablespoons of water (and a dash of salt). A double crust pie takes about 3 cups of flour, so that's one cup shortening. Easy! A third of a cup of shortening in grams is 68.3333333. That's nothing! That's garbage!

"Wouldn't it be more accurate to measure 68.3333333 grams, though?" Sure, but the amount of wet indigence you need to put in any baked thing changes with the fucking weather! That's why this recipe says "start with 3 tbs water." There's no need to be more accurate, and in fact it would make things more difficult.

Okay that turned into a tangent about how to make pie crust, a thing I think everyone should learn because pie crust is delicious, but i hope you get the idea. TLDR sometimes you just want to divide things in thirds and have it not suck ass. The eldritch sigil of measurement conversions is a little less threatening if you realize every step up or down is a factor of thirds or fourths

fuck oh no another half remembered piece of pop science coming at you - the largest number a typical human can hold in their head *without language* is 3. You don't need numbers to count to three, you don't need to count to be aware of three, you can just see three things and say "that's three." Don't believe me? That's the whole basis of Roman numerals. The numbers 1-3 are representational, after that they get more symbolic, and you never end up with more than three of the same symbol in a row. After III comes IV, not IIII, and it's just that III is much easier on the brain. For the same reason, a lot of English conversions are in factors of 4. There are 4 cups in a quart, and 4 quarts in a gallon, so you're only dealing with measurements that are easy to hold in your head without counting. You never have to count out 4 cups if you convert. You either need 3 cups or 1 quart. Does that make sense? Anyone who has done Big Cooking should know that if you have to count cups beyond 3 or 4 it becomes very easy to lose track.

1 pound flour. 1 pound butter. 1 pound sugar. 1 pound eggs. (Roughly 8-9 eggs.)

Nobody is going to make 450g cake.

Also:

Teaspoons used to be 1 fluid dram, which is 1/4 of a tablespoon, or 1/8 of an ounce. This was a widely used apothecary's measurement - there are even smaller ones for medicinal purposes. (Scruples & grains are smaller than drams.)

So if wolves do this by themselves, in nature, that means that we saw them playing this game and thought “huh, that wolf enjoys fetching the stick it’s throwing for itself, maybe I could throw it further and it would like that more?” And thus began our two species’ mutual favourite game to play together

Oh, something I made centuries ago but totally forgot to post. 

colorado in 2-14 months: