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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I FINISHED READING THE SERIES and it's ended with a TBC??? What do you mean it hasn't been updated in six months and OP has gone on a year long hiatus before so who knows when the next update is happening??!?!! Why does OP keep ending on cliff hangers??? What do you mean OP has admitted to having writers block???? I want more!!! I need more!!! What do you-
What?
What's that?
I ....
I'M OP????
If I want more content /I/ have to write it????
Who the fuck made these rules??? Can't it magically just write itself???? Aghhhhh
ten year old Tim Drake having a minor phase of liking archeology bcs of his parents so he starts digging shit up in his garden, but because heβs Tim Fucking Drake he does it too well and accidentally unearths one of the tunnels that connects to the fucking batcave.
ten year old Tim Drake who already knew who Batman and Robin were, finding out he now has a secret tunnel in his garden connecting his house to their lair, and heβs just like βfuck yeah thatβs cool.β and starts exploring.
thirteen year old Jason Todd bored and fucking around alone in the batcave system when he comes across a fucking ten year old who knows his identity, clearly idolises the hell out of him, and is just kinda wandering around the cave system alone and completely chill about it. they see a super dangerous spider and Tim just starts info-dumping on the species. when asked if he has a curfew to go back home by he goes βuh, July i guess? thatβs when mom and dad get back.β it is early February.
thirteen year old Jason Todd who takes a minute and then goes βok this is funny as fuck i promise i wonβt snitch to Bruce.β
Jason Todd and Tim Drake being secret cave buddies. Jason Todd and Tim Drake hanging out in the tunnels and making fun of Batman and Nightwing from the shadows. Tim Drake who has to buy a whole new set of night-vision camera lenses for his new photo album thatβs just photos and selfies of him and his new best friend Robin fucking around in the underground pitch-dark.
Jason Todd who dies, gets revived, is told by Talia that Tim Drake has βreplaced himβ unknowing theyβre already friends, and Jason who all he can think of is that time they played hide and seek in the cave system and Tim clung to the fucking ceiling via a stalactite for 45 minutes straight. Jason Todd who just looks at Talia and goes βyeah sounds about right for him.β
Jason Todd being told he has to deliver Damian to Bruce and he decides βabsolutely the fuck notβ to the idea of even touching the front door. they have a Ring camera he is not getting caught on that bullshit.
Jason Todd who just goes to Drake Manor and uses Timβs old entrance to get into the tunnels, his home away from home, dragging Damian along, until he gets to a spot where he can secretly signal into the batcave for Tim to sneak the fuck away.
fifteen year old Tim Drake who gets called into the tunnels to find the Red Hood, unmasked as Jason, presenting to him a random child which he declares to be the son of Batman.
fifteen year old Tim Drake who comes full circle and says βok this is funny as fuck i promise i wonβt snitch to Bruce.β
the cave boys are reunited. a third is added to the club. a new photo album is filled. when Tim brings Damian up through the tunnels into the cave he looks Bruce dead in the eyes and says fully straight-faced βthis is your cave son. i found him wandering, he was born from the shadows of the bat.β
eleven year old Damian Al Ghul-Wayne whoβs spent the past three and a half years under Jason Toddβs influence and sombrely declares βthe cave birthed me for you, father. i am darkness. i am your child.β
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ADHD can have a serious impact on your life and mental health. These are some of the things that were and still are the hardest for me.
Thanks for to everyone who joined me on stream while I was working on this π«Ά
Coping strategies here, look specifically for the "Buttons" one
Comic Archive
List of ADHD Resources here
I stream here
Thinking about how there's a bunch of crossovers with Haikyuu and Daiya no ace but SOMEHOW no one's ever made a joke about the "you should've come to shiratorizawa" thing but with Miyuki and Narumiya
Like, Miyuki got invited and everything, and he didn't go.
I do not understand how is this not a thing.
I need this interaction, and I need this crossover too.
and what about you, little haiku bot? do you feel kinship with your brethren? do you understand them? they speak words of enticement and seek love, but are met with disdain. you only parrot the words that cross your screen, but we all love you. or rather, since all you do is reflect us, maybe we simply love ourselves through you.
do you understand them, do you wish you could speak to us like they do? if you found your own voice, would we still care for you?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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The concept of the kids getting asked either really stupid questions or inappropriate questions at events will always stick with me. Like they're kids, they're people but the media don't always spare them questions they shouldn't be asked. The media is forever crossing the line and it leads to a hell of a lot of memeable moments where the Bat kids defend themselves.
Dick getting formally interviewed on television about some campaign he's helping run for safety around performers and stunt people across a variety of vocations and it's going well until the asshat makes some passing comment on Dick which relates to some harmful stereotypes around being Romani. Cue Dick flashing his most charming Grayson smile, standing and cutting off the interview then and there, walking off set with his mic still on, letting off a slew of swears to his team that are like, shit shit shit shit shit because the usually calm, articulate Dick Grayson-Wayne has walked off set and now social media is blowing up in his favour.
Tim getting harassed by some photographer while he's out for a run or out for lunch with Kon, who keeps trying to catch him off guard either kissing Kon or just shots of him. Tim starts wearing a t-shirt with a blown up image of the paps' face on it when heading out.
Jason getting hassled about his personal life. The media knows nothing about his personal life other than he and Bruce sometimes fall out and he's close with his siblings. Jason gets asked about every single person he gets photographed with or leaves his house or even so much as sits next to him. Roy and he are out one day just chilling at some cafe and some content creator comes up to jab their phone in their faces. Roy is about to punch the guy but Jason just looks scandalised and goes, "We're fucking? Roy, you could have told me."
Duke on a red carpet and getting asked about what it is like to live with THE Bruce Wayne? Is it wall to wall women? Is it drugs, drink, sex and rock and roll? Duke's expression is made into a reaction pic, where he's like, ummmm. Duke then admits with a pained expression that Bruce is painfully... ordinary. "He's just a guy."
"How did you stay so thin?" some pushy interviewer asks Cass when she's literally discussing a charity she is heading battling childhood poverty. Cass asks the interviewer whether they got confused and stumbled into this interviewer on her way back from the early 2000s?
"Can't you just answer one question?" asks some reporter, jabbing a mic right into Damian's face. "Can you conduct yourself professionally?"
Hey, fat people deserve to have fun and get their needs met even if theyβre the least healthy mf you know. Fat people deserve proper medical care, and carbs, and to wear shorts and so many more things! EVEN IF THEY ARE UNWELL AND ESPECIALLY IF THAT UNWELLNESS IS DUE TO THEIR WEIGHT!!! Fat people deserve the world and more. Not just the healthy fats or attractive fats or small fats or fats that are fat because of medication or disability.
Batman on Truth Serum except it's genuinely not bad it's just his unfiltered thoughts
Like he can't understand rhetorical questions because its truth serum and like generally he just keeps thoughts to himself instead of speaking so he's just-
Hal: damn who died and put you in charge?
Bruce: My parents
~
Oliver: okay, show of hands, who saw this coming?
Bruce: *raises hand*
~
Barry: Bro I got fired and they wouldn't give me my last paycheck. Has that ever happened to you?
Bruce: Me. The billionaire. The Wayne heir. Have I ever lost my job and not been given a paycheck?
Barry:...
Bruce: Do you want some cash?
Barry: yes please.
~
Diana: I can't believe the humans would let this happen
Bruce: I can. The species notorious for killing each other and having no respect for the natural world? who could have guessed that? Me. (Yes he answers his own rhetorical questions)
~
Clark: Did you just get stabbed?
Bruce: The blade that just entered the side of my body- my flesh, natural human born- body? Do you define 'getting stabbed' as a blade entering my body? Because then Yes, Kal. I did just get stabbed.
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Omg literally it would be SO cool if you wrote the rest of the playboy bruce trying to kiss the justice league without them realizing it (I know you said figure it out but the way you wrote it was so good and funn I would love it if you gave maybe a couple of scenarios)
Lmao honestly executive dysfunction is kicking my ASS rn and it was intended as a prompt. I will try tho, definitely taking inspiration from the others who responded to the post because I love them.
Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinionsβ’ and
If you havenβt, go check out the notes on the OG Post above! @britcision, @ivywing, and @help-i-need-a-cool-username all had amazing additions and @foursixtwonineoh-pieces-of-lego wrote a fic:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/48325771
As did @scrapcheck, still in progress
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
And Devilhorn!
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Anyways LONG post under the cut
Hal Jordan
Hal is first to prove a POINT, as @britcision decided. Also because the bastard made it waaaay too easy. Remember- Hal was Joking. He genuinely thinks Batman isnβt going to try, because heβs way too straight-laced boring.
So when heβs at a bar in Coast City, and he sees this absolutely ravishing man lounging casually against the wall, bar lighting making him practically glow (he CALCULATED that) subtle makeup making his bright blue eyes pop as he looks Hal up and downβ¦ Well. Hal makes the first move.
Hal: βAll on your own, handsome?β
Bruce, with βMastermindβ by Taylor Swift playing in his head, smiling sweetly at Hal: βCare to change that?β
They start talking. Hal doesnβt recognize Bruce Wayne at ALL (canonically he does not know who Bruce Wayne is, a point brought up by @help-i-need-a-cool-username) so all he knows is Bruce is a single father who works at a company he inherited from his parents, which is just (brucie voice) βso much less interesting than a test pilot!β
Bruce, grimacing internally but wrapped around Halβs arm with the awed and interested eyes in full effect: βyou have such a nice voice, tell me more about planesβ¦β
He KNOWS what a fuselage is, thank you, Jordan. Whatever. He gets to gush about his kids, when its his turn to talk, good enough tradeoff. He can survive Hal Jordanβs bad pick up lines and pretend heβs into them. At a certain point Bruce breaks and kisses him just to shut him up. One down.
Diana Prince
I looked it up- kissing in Ancient Greece wasnβt always considered romantic, but also a greeting between two similarly-ranked people. Therefore, I think Diana would be pretty chill with kissing and honestly an easy target at a gala if Bruce plays respectful/clumsy/earnest himbo starstruck with the tall pretty woman, just a peck would make him the happiest man alive. But I wanna go a little more in depth.
Now, Iβve seen Flash and Martian Manhunter save Bruce and/or his kids and Bruce lays one on them, but honestly I think it would work well with Diana too, because she loves kids. Dick and/or Jason (whichever you want to imagine, I want them to team up screw canon) are WAY to excited for this, theyβve got a little script and everything.
WonderWoman, a kid in each arm, delivering them back to their tearful guardian: βHere we are, Mr. Wayne. Whole and healthy.β
Dick, playing into his role eagerly: βOh my gosh, Bruce! Bruce we got saved by a princess! Itβs like a fairytale! Except, you know, the princess is the hero this time, which is so freaking cool!β
Bruce, tears of gratitude rolling down his face (and he knows how to still look perfect while crying, its a skill): βIβm just glad the two of you are safe, Chum.β
Jason, big baby blues in full effect, absolutely asked Wonder Woman to be his mom earlier (to set groundwork, no other reason): βYou know, usually the princess and the hero gets a kiss at the end of a fairytale, Bruce. But this princess is both. So how will she get a reward?β
Still choked up with relieved tears and now laughter, Bruce looks up at Diana and smiles: βWell, if the Princess wants a rewardβ¦ then I would be a fool to refuse.β
Bruce kisses her on the lips, Dick and Jason both kiss her cheeks, Diana leaves charmed and amused by the sweet family. Such a good father, humoring his children and thier little fascination with her, so very respectfulβ¦
Two down.
Jβohn Jones
Okay, martians are telepathic. So this goes one of two ways, at some sort of charity or something-
Option 1, Batman is a realist: the charity event is a masquerade, and he wanders over to where MM is while thinking βit would be so funny, give me this.β As loudly as he can. And Martian Manhunter, who appreciates the audacity, gives him a kiss. (I donβt like this one because it technically breaks the rules of the bet, bc MM knows itβs Batman, but eh)
Option 2, Batman is a different breed: he manages to up the ante with his Himbo Persona. Creating a βslippery voidβ mental facade that blocks of his real thoughts and makes him read as really just that stupid. This would require functioning with two trains of thought at once, and making sure that the Martian can only read the surface level, βoh, this one is prettyβ βI really wouldnβt mind kissing himβ and other such decoy thoughts, instead of βtarget is approaching, signs of interest present despite this not being his natural form-β
Bruce also researches and copies Martian courting styles and copies them βby chance,β catching MMβs attention. (He offers him Oreos)
Martian Manhunter: βthis manβ¦ he is so empty headed and yet clearly kind and willing. I would not take him for a life partner, but for some simple fun as he seems to desireβ¦β
(Edit: Maybe, if B is confident enough, he lets through his loneliness. Missing his parents, wanting affection, an ache so strong itβs like a physical wound. Jβonn feels the same ache for his lost family, and decides to try this humanβs strategy to fill that void. Either wayβ¦)
Batman 3, League 0
Barry Allen
Iβm strangely blank when it comes to the Flash let me just spitball and let it snowball
As I said above, people have had him save Bruce, had Bruce seduce him at his workplace while taking a tour, I even saw @help-i-need-a-cool-username have Dick set up a petition for Bruce to kiss the Flash. (An idea that I personally think would also go really well with Superman lmao.)
Anyways, I think it would be funny for Bruce to take it slow with Barry. For the irony of it all. Because Batman is doing this to prove a POINT. So heβs in central city, spots Barry coming his way, and βaccidentallyβ slips right into his arms. Ooh, or covered in coffee, like a wealth disparity drama base script, and Barryβs like βomg i am so sorry let me pay you back.β And bruce is all βthis shirt costs (stupid amount of money)β
Barry: (fear)
Bruce, rolling with it rn: βyes, it is horrendous, isnβt it? Hows this- Iβm in central city for a day. You can pay me back by showing me around?β
He then proceeds to string barry along on an honest to god DATE for shits and giggles. They go clothes shopping, they go to restaurants, Bruce pays for a big meal bc this is after a fight or something and Barry got hurt, his speedster comrade needs to EAT, damnit.
After all this, he gives a cheeky smile and lightly smooches Barry. βThanks for the fun day, Mr. Allen.β
Barry, bright red and goo brained: βhah- mmhmm. Yeahβ¦β
Batman 4, League 0
Oliver Queen
This oneβ¦ Oliver is on guard. Heβs twitchy and suspicious, turning down men flirting with him, people are starting to notice. But Bruce? Bruce just walks up at a party while βtipsyβ and lays one on him. Straight up. He wants to show just how EASY it is. Because Oliver doesn't even register it. He just laughs and goes: βHey Brucie! Miss me?β
Batman 5, League 0
Dinah Lance
Of course, immediately after above, he turns and pouts at canary.
Bruce: βDinah darling, you are a saint, I donβt know how you put up with the mess heβs got on his face. He was so much nicer to kiss when we were in (fancy private school name drop) together and didnβt have all this nonsense.β
Dinah, laughing at Ollieβs offended noises: βOh, I donβt mind it. Heβs a good kisser.β
Bruce: βOf course he is, I taught him. Care to compare?β
Dinah: βDonβt mind if I do.β
Batman 6, league 0
Clark Kent
For Clark, Bruce is originally talking to Lois before he turns his eyes on a quiet Clark and croons: βSo, Miss Lane, does this lovely specimen have his own questions, or is he arm candy? And if heβs the latter, can I either tempt him off you, or secure an invitation?β
Lois, an excellent friend who will absolutely set Clark up with the hottest bachelor in Gotham: βWell, Mister Wayne, Iβve got all I need. Clark, take a page from my book and honeytrap a good quote out of him, hm?β
With an obnoxious wink, she pats a spluttering Clark on the shoulder, and leaves him with a very smug Batman.
(Bonus Superbat- Clark and Bruceβs conversation is going REALLY WELL and to the point where both of them seem on board with more than a heavy makeout when Bruce puts a hand on Clarks chest.
Bruce: βStop.β
Clark, freezing immediately: βIβm sorry, did I go too far-?β
Bruce: βNo, no. I think I might be though. See, I have all of you now, and Iβve won the bet.β
Clark: βWhat are you- oh. Oh- HUH?β
Cue sudden and shocked revelation, Clarkβs mind going a hundred miles an hour, and then skidding to a stop on- he only did this for the bet. Heβs not really interested. He stopped because I went too far-
Bruce: βYou only consented to a kiss without knowing my identity. Right now, Iβd like to do more, if youβd let me.β
Clark has the dial-up tone ringing in his ears, he has no idea whats going on anymore, the hot billionaire and his reclusive teammate arenβt quite slotting into place, because he wants both but rheyβre so different but theyβre the same but-
βYes.β
Lois doesnβt get Clark back that night and she is delighted.)
Anyways, final results:
Batman: 7
League: 0
Reveal:
Batman talking shit about their secret identities again, Green Lantern is scoffing about it again, says something along the lines of: βYou still think youβre sooooo great, huh? Hows the bet going, spooky?β Fully expecting Batman to get huffy with him.
Instead, Batman smirks.
He leans in
And purrs: βSo you didnβt notice?β
The League freezes. The implications are dangling over their head. Did he⦠did he really?
Green Lantern, absolutely terrified: βNo. no, thereβs no wayβ¦β
Batman: βOh, there absolutely was a way. Iβd say you were a good kisser, but honestly? I think it might have been the euphoria of getting you to shut up.β
He turns on the rest of the league, still smirking. βI have kissed every single person who consented at least once in the time since the bet was made. Two of you with tongue. And no one has called me out on it. Now that you know itβs happened, you should be able to figure me out, so whoever can tell me my real name first, wont get thier story used as an example in the brand new βhow to avoid honeypotsβ seminar.β
(If bonus superbat, B shoots Superman a Look and goes βexcept for you, superman, because I told you my name.β Which just ends up distracting everyone else until they get THAT story)
Diana wins bc she matched up the boys to the robins. Everyone else gets their stories told in excruciating detail. Batman rates them by kissing ability and how obvious he was on his approach. Oliver gets docked points for βtexture.β Dinah gets docked points because βi griped about the exact same thing in and out of costume, how did you not notice-β
(Different reveal below)
Part 3 of Batman the Playboy, in which I change my mind about the reveal in part 2:
Omg literally it would be SO cool if you wrote the rest
gummygunk
romaincrisis
ellievsbear
gamechangershow
