Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Roy: Seriously though, I have to pay you back.

Oliver: I’m a trillionaire. Your happiness is enough.

Damian, witnessing this family moment, rolled his eyes.

Damian: Performative. We get it, you have a grandparent who buys you stuff. No payback expected. You come from a soft bloodline. Give it a rest.

Bruce: Yeah, it reminds me of a Hallmark film. Sappy as hell.

Dick (to his father and brother): What is the matter with you?

Bruce: Don’t start.

Dick smacked Bruce on the arm. Bruce scoffed, rolling his eyes.

Bruce: I give you all money, and most of the time, you don’t owe me anything back. Damian and Jason usually don't. The stupid shit you buy, yeah I want that money returned.

Dick: Buying an imitation Saturday Night Fever suit isn't a stupid purchase!

Damian: Yes it is, and grandfather gives me five no-return favors every year. As long as I don’t go over five, I don’t owe him.

Dick: Uh-huh. And what is it you usually owe?

Damian: Sparring with ninjas. What’s the issue?

Dick sighed, covering his face with both hands.

Dick: Bruce, you need to spoil us more. Damian, that has to be abuse.

Damian: Hey! I’ll have you know I broke my foot trailing through an obstacle course he set up for my seventh favor, and he told me that got me a freebie favor. He taught me that powering through can get you rewarded.

Bruce: Ignoring Ra’s usual behavior, that’s a good lesson from him. We don’t need all this saccharine nonsense!

Oliver: Is this bothering you?

Bruce glared at Oliver.

Oliver: Lian, go show Damian and Jon the new toy I bought you because I love you so much.

Lian: Grandpa, I know what you’re up to, but you’re right.

Lian scurried over to Damian, holding up her Steam Deck. Damian already had an eye twitch of jealousy then sprinted away. Lian chased after him to continue teasing him.

Roy: You’re doing too much. Did you—

Oliver: I obviously got you a steamy oven.

Roy: You—Steam Deck is the name—thanks, Dad.

Dick: That’s my line! Papa, get me a Steam Deck!

Bruce: You have money. Buy it yourself. You’re a forty-year-old man.

Dick: I’m 30! Abuse! This is abuse! I’m calling APC!

Hal: Not all of us enjoy being sleep deprived, Bruce!

Bruce: Ha! Sleep deprived. That's what weak bitches say.

Hal glared at Bruce, then turned his angry stare to Clark. The superhuman jolted, terrified by the man's sleep-exhausted face. He waved nervously.

Clark: You seem tense.

Hal: Control that man or I will shove my foot down his throat.

Bruce (mocking): Ha! Get the "required eight hours" and you'll do that in your dreams.

Lantern!Hal: That's what it's like to be Batman.

Batman (too embarrassed to sound threatening): Nobody laugh!

Wonder Woman and Vixen both spat out their drinks before erupting into laughter. Hawkgirl tittered. Superman shook his head, sucking in his lips to hide his laughter.

Batman: That was only three incidents!

Green Arrow (starting to laugh): Not him admitting to it!

Zatanna: Batman, naughty. Naughty.

Batman: Don't act like that hasn't happened to you! We deal with weird villains!

Lantern!John: Yeah but... Like I shouldn't have to say this. You, me, Zeus, and father God know that ain't what Hal was referring to.

Flash: It definitely wasn't just thrice. There's no mind reading powers needed to detect that lie.

Zatanna: He's definitely done that voluntarily, like numerous times. Selina and Talia told me all during the girls brunch I set up. You're welcome bestie!

Damian (containing his full excitement): I got the winning goal in my school's soccer game!

Ra's (intrigued): You got the winning goal in what?

Damian: Soccer.

Ra's: Nuh-uh! Call it the correct sport title.

Alfred (pretending to dust): As a person from Europe I agree with Ra's on this.

Damian chuckled, nodding. He cleared his throat, raising his index finger.

Damian: Right. I, Damian Wayne Al Ghul not only was on the winning team, but got the winning goal in my school's football game. The non-american version.

Jason: You had to be there to see it. It was like watching a movie! Damian was running, locked in, and then he saw the opposing goal. He kicked the ball up and aimed for the top corner of the net. The goalie never had a chance.

Jason patted Damian on the shoulder. Damian puffed out his chest, proud of himself.

Ra's handed a wad of cash that he usually carried in his pocket. Damian counted the cash while Jason looked from the money to Ra's. Talia stood by, enjoying a cup of coffee; seeing her son's smile was something she loved.

Ra's: That's what I like to hear! You won and were the reason for winning. This is not just adequate. No. Good job, grandson. Here, have some money.

Ra's: This feels like seeing England lose in the World Cup.

Alfred: Right? That was fantastic to witness. They really thought he was coming home.

Ra's: Fools.

Bruce: Alfred, you're from there.

Alfred: Doesn't mean I root for them.

Ra's: You have sense and you kill. How did the American dog go out and do the complete opposite?

Alfred: He's sensitive. You know how difficult it is to teach the youths what we were taught.

Bruce chuckled in disbelief.

Bruce: I'm standing right here. Whatever, thanks for giving Damian a normal gift.

Damian (fanning himself with the cash and gloating): I got money for being a good grandson. Lian is going to be jealous.

Jason: Where's my money?

Ra's: Ask your adopted father. I award my grandson with money as a sign that I'm better as a grandparent then I was as a father.

Talia: That unfortunately explains a lot. Honestly, that's reassuring to hear. Bruce, open your wallet. Jason, here's some cash from me and Damian an extra hundred for you.

Talia handed Jason six hundred dollar bills and Damian a hundred dollar bill. Bruce sighed, pulling out a thousand to one up Talia. Jason grinned happily at his own stack of cash.

Damian: Eh? Mm? Only a hundred?

Talia: Father gave you enough. That makes your total a thousand.

Damian: Oh! All right, I'll accept that.

Jason: Damian, want to go to the mall?

Damian: Yes, there's a pop mart that has released different labubus and I must add them to my collection.

Jason: Cool. I have to spend this on new books. Let's go. Bruce, I'm taking the blue car.

Ra's: I should get him one of those gremlin dolls. He likes them. Talia, what's the capitalist store app?

Bruce nodded, without arguing. Then as Alfred's hand slowly approached him, he tipped the butler a hundred bucks.

Alfred went back to dusting while Bruce took a sip from his coffee mug.

Talia: Amazon. No worries, I have Dami's list saved. I'll show it to you later. And father, you heard him too? He said Damian Wayne Al Ghul.

Ra's: Yes. I am so... What is the proper word? Thankful, yes. I am thankful and glad that you kept him. He may be related to Batman, and that is always a disappointment for me, but he is a decent grandchild.

Talia nodded, wiping away fake tears. Bruce straighted up, confused why he was catching strays.

Talia: That means much coming from you father.

Bruce: I witnessed you shooting a chauffeur for parking your car near a small puddle.

Ra's: I stepped in it with my new shoes. Silence! Now Alfred, what is your opinion on the current state of television?

Alfred: I think the comedy has devolved slightly. I have started watching this series, Love Island. It is such a mess, but I can't stop watching.

Ra's: That is my favorite show! That Jessi is so two faced.

Talia: Oh dear, beloved we should go. Once father talks about that show, he will discuss it for too long.

Ra's: I'm standing by what I said. I have a broom handle and no qualms about shoving it up his ass!

Talia (holding up pre teen Damian): You'd do that to defend us?

Damian (waving): Hi.

Ra's sighed, slapping his hand on his face and wiping it away.

Ra's: Yes. Don't make a big deal about this.

Talia held back her squeal, giving Damian a kiss on the cheek much to his annoyance then lowered him to the ground. Ra's readied his sword. Slade, terrified since he knew he'd probably (definitely) lose, raised his sword.

Slade: You got me three times, but this time I shall be the victor!

Damian: If his ego was water, he'd be able to quench the thirst of an African village.

Ra's: Yes. I'll return in a moment.

Ra's raced towards Slade about to win. A maid handed Damian two Capri suns.

Talia (watching her father prepare to fight Slade): This is a full pager for my memoir.

Damian (holding two juice pouches): Capri Sun for the show?

Batman: I didn't even find this scary in the book It.

Constantine (dropping Zatanna): I've always found the book scarier than the movie with that tunnel scene.

Batman: And you reminded me of the worst part of that book. Anyway, Demon, can we pass already?

Demon (shouting): I am not being defeated by a furry!

Batman: I'm not a furry. Why does everyone assume I am?

Zatanna: Batman, don't make me be honest.

Batman (silently agreeing and returning to the blockade): I need to get through, just move!

Demon: You can pass if you can defeat one of your greatest fears and biggest enemies!

The demon swiftly transformed into the Joker, but before he could speak, he was met with a fist to the nose, knocking the demon to the ground.

Batman (shaking his hand after the hit): That's not a fear; that's a trigger, you asshole.

Batman stepped over the moaning demon, going through the door without looking back.

Zatanna: I figured he'd be able to handle the scare, but like he punched a demon too.

Constantine: Yeah, I'd do the same thing.

Zatanna rolled her eyes, walking out of the room and stepping over the demon. John followed, stepping on the demon as if it were a doormat.

Constantine: Right? Right? Zatanna?! Why aren't you responding?

Batman removed his hands. Immediately, both boys pointed at each other again.

Dick and Roy (in unison): He called you a pussy! No, you called him a pussy! My dad isn't a pussy!

Roy tackled Dick to the ground, and the two tumbled, wrestling and shouting, completely oblivious to their fathers watching them fight like toddlers.

The adult heroes did not have the energy to deal with that so Green Arrow changed the subject.

Green Arrow: You know who I met at a charity event? Raquel Welch.

Batman: Lucky. Is she as beautiful as she is in the movies?

Green Arrow: She is and such a sweetheart. Diva too, but she's earned it.

Batman: She has. She has.

Green Arrow (ignoring the arguing boys): You heading to that gala on Sunday?

Batman: I am. You?

Green Arrow: Yeah, I need to get out the house.

Batman: Watched any good movies?

Green Arrow: I finally sat down and watched the Star Wars movie. You were right, it's a good film.

Batman: I told you. I heard the sequels going to be good. Any coffee left?

Green Arrow: Yeah, want some?

Batman: Yep, I'm drained and need five cups. Let's talk somewhere else while they work out their teenage angst.

Green Arrow: Good call.

Green Arrow and Batman walked away, leaving Robin and Speedy to continue their slap-and-tumble match.

Superman (curious): Hm… how to approach this? Is he a little boy? Because I’m seriously doubting he’s a small adult.

Batman (stony-faced): You wouldn’t believe me if I lied. Robin, introduce yourself.

Robin (waving excitedly): I’m Robin! I can do flips and tricks. Hug time!

With that, Robin threw his arms around Superman, catching the mighty hero off guard. Batman looked slightly bothered, his jaw clenching tightly.

Batman (mumbling): Why does he get a hug?

Robin (cheerfully): I’m a big fan, Mr. Superman!

Superman (smiling warmly): Oh… I’m glad to meet one.

Robin: Has anyone ever told you how amazing you look? You’re a superhero, just like Papa!

Superman: I am. And thank you for the compliment. I needed that right now.

Superman patted the kid gently on the top of his head with a smile.

Batman (yanking Robin back to his side, a tinge of jealousy in his tone): Yep, he’s Robin and can do flips and tricks. Not hugging strangers.

Batman gave the boy a friendly pat on the head as well. Superman blinked, trying to process the whirlwind of information. Robin swayed back and forth in his shoes, humming a tune from the circus.

Superman (alarmed): Right… um, circling back then. That’s a child!

Batman (exasperated): He’s my son.

Superman (wide-eyed): That’s worse!

Batman (making it worse): Is it, though? I take care of him, feed him, and even let him design the costume he’s wearing.

Superman: He’s not a doll! Why is he here?!

Batman (indignant): Who are you yelling at?

Superman twitched, turning away for a few seconds to take in this surreal situation.

Superman (returning to the conversation, talking to Robin): He’s your father, and you fight bad guys with him?

Robin (eager bouncing): Yep!

Superman (concerned): Did he kill your parents? Are you a kidnapped child?

Batman: He’s not—

Superman (holding up his hand): Nope, nope, I’m asking the child!

Robin tapped his chin in thought, looking mischievous.

Robin: Hm… I’m not sure. Maybe some candy will help me answer the question, Batman.

Batman (sighing, handing Robin a lollipop from one of the hidden pockets in his cape): After the mission, I will take you to the candy store to get more. I promise.

Robin (grinning, unwrapping the lollipop): You better keep that promise! Mr. Superman, he did not kill my parents. It’s a crazy story that we both agreed to keep secret.

Batman (to Superman, slightly defensive): There, he told you the truth. Are you satisfied?

Superman (frustrated): That doesn’t remove the fact he is a child. A child sidekick?! You have one!

Robin: Named Robin.

Robin giggled, easing the tension, but Superman waited for Batman’s defense. Batman let out a long sigh that turned into an angry groan.

Batman (controlled fury): Why does everyone have this reaction when they meet him? I’ve already dealt with villains in Gotham, and they think, “Oh my gosh, you have a child fighting with you!” Like they didn’t just commit murder or rob a bank! I thought you’d let this go.

Superman (mystified and confused): Why?

Batman: You look ridiculous in that suit and think glasses can conceal your face. This at least is cool.

Superman (crossing his arms): My glasses— nope, not going to have that argument again. I’ll indulge you, Dark Knight. Amazing, you have a child sidekick; how old is he?

Robin (sweet, prideful tone): I just turned nine!

Superman (rage shouting): Nine! What the-What the- WHAT?! No, he’s not! He’s not that young! What the hell is wrong with you, Batman? Have you gone insane? I knew you could be an asshole, but this is insane!

Robin hid behind his father’s leg, a little scared by the yelling from the god-like superhero. This made Batman angry in response, radiating the rage of a thousand men.

Batman (shouting, interrupting): Hey! Don’t curse in front of my son! He already has to deal with the Joker, but you, of all people, will not swear in front of my boy! You can criticize me for many things, and I won’t care because they aren’t true. But the one thing you will never criticize me for is how I raise my son! Do you have a son?

Superman: No.

Batman: Do you have to wake up at six in the morning to get a hyperactive child ready for school?

Superman (unnerved): No.

Batman (walking forward causing Superman to backwards walk): And have you ever had to leave your main job to pick up your son from school because he punched a kid who called him a circus freak?

Superman (scared): No.

Batman: Then keep your mouth shut! I have a lot to deal with as it is, and you will not, you hear me, you will not tell me how to raise my son! And don’t you EVER scare him!

Robin nodded enthusiastically at Batman’s words, especially the part about the suit.

Robin (beaming): Yeah, Mr. Superman, we’ve seen all the reactions, but I don’t want you to be mean or mad at Batman.

Batman: Thank you, Robin. Back to you, Man of Steel. If you want to say anything else about me or him, tread lightly. I am not the one! He is my son; I care about him, and I will punch you while holding kryptonite if you scare him again!

Superman (sighing): Okay, okay, geez, I’m sorry. I was thrown off by the fact the rumors about the kid sidekick were true, but you seem very protective of him. I’ll trust that you’re not a psychotic, abusive kidnapper, as other news articles have claimed.

Batman breathed deeply to calm himself.

Batman (calmly): Your apology is accepted. I’m just tired of this reaction and that stupid smear campaign.

Robin (defending his father): Yeah, me and Papa are good heroes! I love crime fighting; it’s fun! I would never want to leave that. Don’t judge us for our awesomeness!

Batman (gently): Robin, I appreciate the awesomeness part, but please don’t call me Papa while we’re on a job or meeting other inferior heroes.

Robin (apologetically): Oh, sorry, Batman. I love you, Batman!

Robin beamed and hugged his father tightly.

Batman (softening): L… love you too. You’re in a hugging mood today.

Robin (excitedly): It’s a good day! I met your future best friend!

Batman flushed with embarrassment while Superman glanced back and forth between Robin and Batman. Batman covered his face, heaving an exhausted sigh that reminded Superman of his own dad. He could see Batman was earnest and not leaning toward any potential CPS calls. Robin took this as his chance to sneak away and climb a nearby tree.

Superman (smirking): I mean… if this kid makes you less of a jerk and actually realizes we’re friends, then I guess I’ll overlook the potential kidnapping charges.

Batman: That’s great, because I didn’t kidnap him. Robin, let’s— Where did he go?!

Superman pointed behind Batman. He turned around, nearly yelping in shock at his son sitting on a tree branch.

Robin (sitting on a tree branch, gleefully): Batman, look how high I climbed!

Batman (frustrated): Dang it, Robin!

Dick: No. Damian, why are you so eager to leave? This is your home; I thought you’d want to look around a little.

Damian (tapping his foot): I already walked down memory lane when we got here. I’m over it! We have to go!

Jason chuckled.

Jason (correctly guessing): I’m pretty sure he’s worried Talia will spot him.

Damian bit his fingernail, scanning for a secret escape route.

Dick: That makes sense. I did feel a chill in the air.

Damian: That's not funny, Grayson. We have to go! Unless she's closing in... There is no way she's close— The footsteps of a terrifying spirit are approaching.

The sound of heels echoed through the halls, growing closer like a dinosaur searching for its prey or a mother about to smother her son with hugs and kisses.

Suddenly, the door to the room was kicked in. Thinking quickly, Damian used Tim as a shield, standing behind him like a pillar to avoid being spotted.

Talia (eager): Damian! Habibi, give your mother a hug! Where is he?

Talia strode into the room, shoving Dick aside as she searched behind him.

Talia (attitude): Grayson, where did you hide my son?

Dick (waving): Hi, Talia! Good to see you.

Talia: Don’t ignore what I asked.

Dick: I didn’t, it’s just customary to greet someone, not assault them.

Talia: Oh please, that was barely an assault. You're just as weak as I’ve told others.

Dick (calmly pointing at Talia's nose): You have a booger sticking out of your nose. It’s pretty noticeable.

Talia covered her nose, blushing slightly. Recovering, she pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her nose while scanning the room.

Talia: Where is my baby? I must hug my child!

Dick (feigning innocence): He’s not here. At all.

Jason was unable to respond, too busy laughing at the absurdity of it all. As Talia scanned the room, Damian turned Tim’s body to keep himself hidden. Balling up her handkerchief, Talia tossed it at Dick.

Talia: Hold this, since you noticed, ass-man.

Dick dodged, but being a good brother, he stood in front of her to block her path.

Talia (holding out her arms): Usfour, come out of your hiding spot! I just want to hug you and shower you with affection. It’s what a good mother does, and I’m at least semi-okay. Grayson, my foot will be making contact with your little dick if you don’t move.

Dick: If you kick me, I'm telling my dad.

Talia: You would do that! You have never matured.

Dick: Honey, you have?

Dick and Talia bickered as Jason texted on his phone, while Damian stayed hidden behind Tim.

Damian (whispering): Don’t tell her where I am.

Tim (lying): I got your back.

Tim raised his hand in a mock gesture of surrender.

Tim: He’s over here, Talia!

He stepped aside and playfully shoved Damian forward. As soon as Talia spotted him, she squealed.

Talia (shoving Dick out of her way): Move, ass-man!

Damian (angrily to Tim): You mother—

Talia rushed over and enveloped her son in a tight hug, causing him to squirm and gasp for air. She moaned happily, snuggling him with a wide smile.

Damian (glaring at a grinning Tim): Drake, I will make you pay for this.

Tim (indifferent): Totally worth it for now.

Talia: And I appreciate you for that, Drake. I knew I had a reason to dislike you less! You’re smart, unlike the adult brats who try to deprive me of my time with my usfour.

Jason: In my defense, I raised him for eight years, and this is all funny.

Dick: And I loathe you.

Talia: Glad our feelings are mutual then, Grayson. Now, Damian, I’ve missed you so much! You’re still so adorable! Oh, those cheeks are still so soft. Let me give you some kisses!

She kissed Damian on the forehead and then nuzzled her nose against his cheek while humming. He kicked his feet, trying to escape, but her grip was like that of a python wrapping around its prey.

Damian (whining): Mother, you’re embarrassing me! And you smell too much like lavender!

Talia: Shush, let me love you! I love you!

Talia kissed Damian again on the forehead.

Talia: I love, love you, my baby! And I know you love me too.

Damian: Can you go back to being mean and insane? I miss that!

Damian groaned as he heard his amused brothers mocking him, deepening his frustration.

Damian (suppressed rage): The moment we get home, I’m going to deal with all of you. Mother, we need to leave—

Talia: You can take care of whatever it is in a few minutes. Let’s go see Grandpa! I know he tried to hurry you and your brothers out of the castle, but I convinced him to see how much you’ve grown. He has a gift for you too.

Damian: I don’t wanna!

Talia: It’ll be quick. I swear! Ever since I’ve been striving to be a better mama, I feel so much lighter. My mind is clearer, my fighting is more agile, and I still have my rivalry with Grayson. My sworn enemy, and the reason I’m not with Bruce.

Dick: Your therapist is either lying to you, or you’re not listening.

Jason: Dude, stop! I’m going to die from laughter.

Talia: Ignoring you both. Let’s go, Dami!

Talia giggled, dropping Damian and grabbing his leg instead, preventing his escape.

Damian (screaming): No, no! He smells like mothballs! Mother, please!

Talia ignored his protests and dragged him away from his brothers. As Damian's screams echoed through the halls, the brothers were left in the room, processing what they had just witnessed.

Tim (perplexed): That was clingy… and adorable. Do I miss my mom that much?

Dick and Jason (relating): Yeah.

Tim: Hm, I accept that. Talia is like a villain, but not an evil mother anymore. What changed?

Jason: From what I remember Ra's telling me, after Nyssa kept killing Talia and putting her in a different Lazarus Pit, driving her insane, he put her dead body in his pit. When she woke up, she was the same but different. She had an epiphany, like she met her "maker." They told her not to be a bad person to her child, to be a better mom, or the pits of hell would welcome her and never let her go.

Dick (speculating): Why is she still an asshole, though?

Jason and Tim: Because neither of you like each other.

Dick (prideful): Yeah, the balance of the universe would unravel if we liked each other. At least I'm glad she replaced her violence with smothering love for Damian.

Tim: You think the "maker" was her own mom?

Jason (agreeing): In this mad world? Probably. But that was entertaining at least.

Tim nodded, but wondered about a missing person in their group.

Tim: Why isn't Bruce here?

Dick: Ra despises him, and he feels the same way about Ra.

Jason: Right, and Ra's made it clear they’d fight to the death if Bruce set foot in here, and not just toss him into the pit. Bruce said he'd break every bone in Ra's body and make him wish he was dead. There was a lot of tension after Talia went murder hobo insane. Just our usual family dynamics.

Tim: Cool, I get that. Want to check out his skull collection?

Dick: Sure, I’m down.

Jason: Did he update it?

Tim: Yep! He’s added the spines of his enemies too. One of the maids here can give us apple fritters she made as well.

With that, the brothers quietly slipped away as Damian's protests faded into the distance, still audible as Talia hugged him. Ra, the eccentric grandpa, was about to launch into another tangent about the world’s problems.

usfour- little bird

Harley grinned, her heart swelling with delight. That smile, however, quickly turned to tension as she pointed behind Ivy. Ivy sighed, already guessing who had shown up.

Ivy (not turning around): Hey, Batman.

Batman (disappointed): You were expecting me, and yet you’re still doing this? Why?

Ivy: I’m clinically insane and on a mission to protect Mother Gaia! Sorry I care about the planet!

Batman (angry father voice): We’ve been over this!

Ivy (turning around): Do not talk to me like I am a child! Also, hey, Nightwing, you look healthy and that means you're doing better than the malnourished emo that raised you!

Nightwing, standing behind Batman, smiled brightly, clearly pleased that Ivy noticed him.

Nightwing (waving): Hi, Pam!

Batman (surprised): What? Pam?! Did she call me malnourished?!

Ivy: That’s my name, but only friends can call me that.

Batman (taken aback): Friends?!

Harley: Aww, ain't that sweet?

Nightwing (agreeing with Ivy): Yeah, we're frenemies.

Ivy (smirking): Exactly. We have different ideas of being a hero and protecting the planet, but he deserves kindness. Unlike your malnourished fur-sona reject ass.

Batman: I am bigger than him! I have muscles! You are not going to body shame me again.

Ivy: I'm being honest. You say the same thing when being a massive infected taint.

Nightwing: Pam, come on. Taint isn't the right word. Jerkwad, douche canoe, big back, and nincompoop are more appropriate.

Nightwing crossed his arms nodding at his own insults. Batman turned to him, glaring at his son.

Nightwing: You're right, Batman. Turd burger is a good one too.

Batman: That isn't what I was thinking. Ivy, forget-

Ivy (already jotting down the names in her pocket notebook): Silence douche canoe, I'm writing these down for later. These are good. Is nincompoop spelled with one n after the 'i' or two?

Nightwing: One. You're welcome.

Batman (angry whispering): Quit enjoying this.

Nightwing: Nah. Pam, you look great by the way. I love the new outfit.

Ivy: Oh this? Thanks. You are such a nice kid. Plus, look at that handsome face of yours. It's like a Picasso painting.

Nightwing smiled, hugging himself at the non-sexual praise. Batman rolled his eyes.

Ivy: You want a cookie? Harley, grab my bag!

Harley (passing it over): Already one step ahead.

Ivy pulled out a box of peanut butter sandwich girl scour cookies, willed a nearby vine to take the box and hand it over to Nightwing.

Nightwing (giddy): These are my favorite!

Batman (contemplating his life choices): I let that carry on for too long.

Ivy: Nightwing, you enjoy those treats. Look at how happy he is. Definitely not the face of a douche canoe who stole my best friend and made her a boring good guy. I still think she’s lying about your relationship. You have minute man energy if anything.

Nightwing (raising an eyebrow): Damn, she really doesn't like you.

Batman growled angrily but he quickly refocused on the mission at hand.

Ivy (crossing her arms): Hey, Nightwing, if you’re fighting with him to defeat me, you’re free to go, but I understand if you have to do his bidding.

Nightwing sheepishly avoided eye contact from his father, who was glaring daggers at him.

Nightwing: He… he probably wants me to stay and fight. These cookies are staying with me. Batman, if you try to take them I will scream.

Batman sighed in exasperation, frustrated with how well Ivy and Nightwing got along. Nightwing chuckled nervously, then opened his box of cookies. The sweet cookies were untampered and delicious.

Nightwing: I’m not helping her commit crimes! I only agree with a few points in her mission statement, and if there's a way to help her legally, I will help. She gave me a pamphlet once. Some of the bullet points made sense.

Batman (covering his face): Every day… I think that I died and this is all an endless nightmare or this is my hell.

Ivy (snidely): Batman, flattery will get you nowhere.

Batman (to Ivy): How come he gets to call you Pam?

Ivy (shouting): I like him! He’s a good kid!

Nightwing beamed, clearly flattered.

Nightwing: Aww, thank you.

Batman: What if I wanted a cookie, huh? How come he gets mediocre cookies?

Harley: Do you... do you want a treat? I have some peppermints in my pocket.

Batman: No, Harley. Nightwing, sit this one out. You don’t want to get hurt by your “friend” who is evil!

Nightwing: All right. Call me if you need me to jump in or talk to Pam.

Batman (irritated): Stop calling her Pam!

Nightwing (while chewing on three cookies): Nope, it bothers you, so I'm gonna keep doing it.

Nightwing walked over to where Harley was standing, who waved hello to him with her usual unintentionally terrifying grin. He tipped his box to her side to offer her a cookie.

Harley (politely declining): I like the coconut flake ones.

Ivy: Good kid. Batman, don’t be pissy, that I’m on decent terms with him. He gets me. And no, I didn’t hit him with my pollen or anything. He’s smart, and I respect him. He gets my mission like Harley does… He’s a neat man.

Nightwing smiled happily at the compliment.

Batman: He is my son and you will not call him neat!

Ivy chuckled, clapping sarcastically.

Ivy: Aww, did I hurt the Man of Steel's feelings because his sidekick is a delight? Guess you can't keep your temper in check.

Batman: That’s Superman! I'm Batman!

Ivy (mocking tone): "I am vengeance, the night, I am Batman" Is that how you usually say it?

Batman: I need a freakin’ minute!

Batman walked away, shaking his head and muttering questions about Nightwing being so close with a villain. The sanctuary suddenly felt a lot more chaotic than ever before.

Nightwing: Oddly enough, you're not the only crook who I'm frenemies with.

Ivy (shrugging): I believe you. A couple of Arkham inmates say they like you.

Harley stepped closer to Nightwing, nodding with a surprisingly normal smile for her.

Nightwing: That's nice! I'm glad that I don’t have Batman energy all the time.

Batman: Don't say that like it's an insult!

Ivy: It kind of is. You can be a headache ninety-nine percent of the time.

Harley: That last percent means she doesn't completely hate you. That's reserved for the Joker.

Nightwing covered his mouth, chuckling, while Batman kept his distance, counting to ten silently in his head to let go of the fact that Ivy saw him as less grating than the Joker.

Batman: I'm going to accept that as a compliment and focus on the mission.

Ivy: Okay, douche canoe.

Oliver (momentary pause): Roy, I know you put her up to this.

Roy chuckled, arms crossed, clearly enjoying his father's frustration. He handed Lian twenty dollars for successfully annoying Oliver.

Roy (lying): Not at all.

Oliver composed himself and continued showing off the weapon.

Oliver: This is a crossbow. A crossbow is a special kind of bow that shoots arrows, but instead of using your hands to pull the string back like with a regular bow, it has a trigger. Like a toy gun, but better. And now it's yours now.

Lian: Oooh, you got me a crossbow? Thanks, Grandpa!

Oliver: You're welcome, princess. She's so precious.

Oliver handed the empty crossbow to his granddaughter. Lian took it, pretending to shoot imaginary arrows.

Dinah: What are you— Oh my goodness!

Dinah rushed over and snatched the weapon out of Lian's hands, making the little girl pout.

Dinah: Which one of you decided to give this to her?

Roy pointed to Oliver, who shrugged in response.

Oliver: I taught Roy how to become an archer. Why wouldn't I teach our granddaughter as well? Look at her, she's ready to learn.

Dinah: Don’t do that! Don’t use the fact I love that little girl as a defense for letting her use a crossbow!

Oliver: I’m only teaching my granddaughter to be efficient in the… sport of archery.

Dinah: You are not teaching her the sports version!

Oliver: You don't know if I am. You're just assuming I’m a bad guy. Right, Roy?

Roy cackled in response, unable to respond due to how hilarious he found the whole conversation.

Dinah: Lian, be honest — wouldn't you like to have a different toy to play with?

Lian (making her voice sound higher): Grammie, please let me use it. I promise I'll be careful. Don't you want me to be like grandpa?

Dinah hesitated, but the pleading look in Lian’s eyes quickly broke her resolve. She handed the crossbow to Roy, closing her eyes.

Dinah: I’m watching you. If she gets hurt or hurts someone, it’ll be both of you punished!

Dinah took a few steps back, preparing to supervise the training safely.

Lian: Daddy, she’s gonna give you a time-out if you mess up.

Roy (ruffling his daughter's hair): Shush.

Lian (pretending to shoot the crossbow): Watch me go. Bang! Bang! Bang, bang, bang!

Oliver: It’s not a gun, sweetie.

Lian: What sound is a crossbow supposed to make?

Oliver: I always imagined it was like a 'swish' or 'fwoosh' sound.

Roy: No, no, it's more like a 'thawk' sound effect.

Oliver: That's when you hit someone on the head. That's like saying 'pow' or 'bang' are arrow flying sounds. I've shot enough arrows to imagine the sound better.

Roy: And you chose 'Swish'? Who are you, Katy Perry?

Oliver: Don't compare me to her. I'm more a Taylor Swift, that's besides the point. Swish and fwoosh are the best-

Roy: Okay, let's give this a try then.

Roy grabbed Oliver's nearby arrow, loaded it and shot a bullseye target.

Roy: Swish swish bish that sounded like a 'thawk'.

Oliver: You got lucky with that.

Dick: She's like a mini you. Her own person, but filled with chaos. I love it.

Jade (wiping away fake tears): That's the nicest thing you've said to me. Li-Li, he likes me. He really likes me.

Lian giggled at her mom's performance. Her soft smile stayed, enjoying the praise. Damian creased his eyebrows, jealous. He pounded his fist on the table to get attention to him.

Damian: Hey, she's not the only one with a villain mother.

Lian: Here's the issue with you Damian.

Damian (regret): Oh, what have I done?

Lian: Let me cook. You see I got chaos and awesomeness from both my mommy and daddy. You got the opposite, but managed to look like Bruce. That doesn't bode well for you.

Damian: What are you implying?

Lian: I'm not implying anything. It's just... Bruce has resting angry face, but he has rizz and aura to compensate for that. Your mom, Talia is like Bayonetta with an outfit swap but radiates aura as well. And then there's your grandpa. I already told you he's got more rizz... and then there's you. Look at you.

Lian sighed, shaking her head. Damian blinked, his scowl forming.

Dick (to Kori): I want to stop this, but I need to see where this goes.

Kori nodded, sipping her matcha.

Damian: You are implying something!

Lian: Sigh... You forced me to say this. You're... Old person word... Old person word... Uncool.

Damian (stammering): Unc- Uncool!

Dick: Is that an old word?

Jade: These kids will make it one. Lian, stop trolling your little friend. He'll find his way someday.

Lian: He's already a pre-teen. It might be too late for him.

Damian: Keep talking, you won't when I'm throttling you.

Lian: Womp, womp.

Damian: She did it again! She mocked me with that womp womp nonsense! Punish her.

Dick: Lian, don't do that in front of us. In private, don't hold back.

Jade: I like you. We need to hang out more.

Damian: No! No! Lian, race me. Whoever-

Lian (running to the nearest sign): Begin!

Damian: I haven't said the stopping point yet!

Damian raced behind Lian, already losing.

Jade: Baby girl, if you reach the corner store with the bodega cat, you win.

Lian: Okay, mama!

Damian: I was going to say that! Stop running so fast!

Dick: They're going to be teammates someday. I'm not ready to see them grow up.

Jade: I know, kids grow up too fast. If you don't mind me asking, why are you two here and not Bruce?

Dick: He fell off a building, landed on a awning and is cursed with bed rest for two weeks. Roy?

Jade: Romantic cruise with Donna. I can't blame him, Donna is a good pick after me.

Kori: I admire your confidence.

Ra's: Good. The blood stains took a long time for the help to clean. I'll gift them something for the overtime. Job well done in my opinion and my opinion is never wrong.

Damian nodded, taking another bite of his pancake.

Ra's: The Court of idiots bodies are being returned to the dump where they belong.

Damian (while eating fancy pancakes): Mm.

Ra's: My reputation as a ruthless and powerful leader shall remain intact.

Damian: Mm, yeah.

Ra's: Yes. Everything is as it was... With all that said and done. Talia, explain why you keep looking at me like that?

Damian glanced at his mother, she stared at her father with a renewed appreciation at him saving her and Damian from the Court of Owls.

Ra's eyes shifted nervously; taking a step back.

Damian looked from his mother to his grandfather, remaining silent. He knew how his grandfather was with emotions; he was the same.

Ra's: Stop staring at me. And untwist your mouth.

Talia: I can't help it. You saved us! You defended us against those who planned to harm us. I... I...

Damian: And he did it with no ulterior motives or advantages for himself.

Ra's: You shush. You're going to make her- Talia, do not hug me!

Talia cheered happily, pulling her father into a warm embrace. Ra's locked up, not used to this reaction. A hug! It made him feel like he was burning, as if holy water had been splashed on him and he was a demon. Metaphorically speaking.

Talia: I now have solid proof that you are not that bad of a father.

Ra's: I feel as if I'm in hell.

Damian: We're never letting this go. I'll make sure father is informed about your act of kindness.

Ra's: I want to die.

Talia: Oh father, relax. This won't take away from your intimidation. You simply have another thing to make those inferior to us fear about you. Damian, want to take this one?

Damian: Yes. That you will maim or kill those who make the poor decision to go after your family. Who you love dearly.