Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Dick blinked, glancing at his back side then shrugged.

Dick: It doesn't look big to me.

Stephanie: Respectfully, it is. Like in a good way!

Dick: It does help with comfortable sitting.

Stephanie: Hell yeah. It's big and firm! You got booty pop! Respectfully, like I'm not into you, I'm just impressed.

Dick: Thanks.

Stephanie: You're welcome, you got booty that makes a man want you.

Dick: That is a true statement.

Stephanie: Barbara, what are you doing wrong?! How did you have hips, but no booty? How? How?! How?!

Barbara: Stop saying that!

Dick: She skipped squats and leg day. Also... You're not flirting?

Stephanie: Ew, no. You're old and not my type. You do got cheeks though. One more, THE CHEEKIES!

Stephanie shouted that last part, throwing her arms in the air in support. She chuckled at her own joke afterwards. Bruce tried using his batarang as a gun and pretend to shoot himself in the head.

Dick burst into laughter. Usually butt comments annoyed him, but Stephanie had a good energy that showed she wasn't sexualizing him. She just respected the assets.

Stephanie: Hey, us thicc baddies gotta build each other up.

Bruce: I need you to stop talking or I'm going to get violent. Enough. Enough. The madness stops here. Alexander wept, for I don't need to hear someone compliment my son's ass while I'm trying to decompress from fighting a man who thinks ketchup and mustard are valid fighting tools!

Dick: Oh relax Bruce, she's actually complimenting me and I don't feel like a piece of meat.

Barbara: Oh but when I say, let me take a bit of that cake, you clutch pearls. This is why I dumped you!

Stephanie: Jealous.

Barbara: ...A little.

Talia (clasping her hands overjoyed): He finally said it! He said it in front of my ex-husband! Happy day!

Bruce: Has anyone recorded this? The league will never believe me without proof!

Maid: Oh my stars, I’m alive to see it.

A random associate could only faint in shock. Ra's ignored them, grunting in annoyance.

Damian (encouraging his grandfather): Pretend they’re not here. You’ve got this, grandfather.

Ra's: Thank you. Grandson... Damian, don’t… don’t hold back for anybody. The farther you go, the prouder I’ll be.

Damian: Grandfather? Grandfather… you mean that?

Ra's nodded, smiling.

A rare, genuine smile after saying those heartfelt words to Damian. Damian looked around, then down at his feet and at his grandfather. Sniffling softly, he hugged Ra's, surprising everyone in the room. Ra's glanced around and patted his grandson on the back.

Damian: Thank you, grandfather. I will not forget this. I also won’t tell others you were soft.

Jon: Yeah, yeah, you do. I honestly thought you were almost thirty.

Lian: I guessed twenty-eight. I got your back, unc.

Jason: How does that make any sense?! Dick is in his thirties; he's the ancient fossil, the old man… the unc. You kids say that right?

Lian: Yes, but not like that.

Jon: Your inflection was way off.

Damian: Are you sure you aren’t in your late thirties? You look exactly like father… maybe a little older.

Tim's laugh could be heard slowly entering the conversation.

Jason: OLDER?! Hey, that’s a damn lie! And if one of you says anything, I will kick you in the teeth!

Jason glared at his brothers and Roy, who overheard the conversation while playing cards. Tim was unable to respond since he was doubled over in laughter. Dick smirked, holding back his chuckles, even Roy had to cover his mouth.

Roy: We're laughing at something else.

Tim (between laughs): He—He said… Not thirty-eight… A—A— A rough thirty-eight! HAHAHAHA! He said you’re extra old.

Jason: Yeah, well, I’d rather be called older than… look seventeen like you!

Damian: …Jason—

Lian: I got this one. Uncle Jason, Tim is a hottie for his age. Clearly... clearly... clearly.

Tim laughed harder at that response. Jason’s face turned red, and Damian nearly puked.

Tim: This is the best day!

Damian: I wasn’t going to word it like that! I was going to say that wasn’t an insult. Stop finding him hot!

Lian (squinting): Nah, I call them like I see them.

Jon: And your other brother is hot too. Don’t want you to feel left out, Dick!

Dick: Thank you, Jon.

Jon: Roy, you... look good too. Sorry Lian.

Lian: I'll let that slide.

Roy: Thanks, Jon.

Damian: As much as I despise complimenting my family members, I have to agree with the terrible two, you’re the oldest-looking one. Which is a shame since you’re the middle child. What are you doing wrong?

Jason: I’m not old, it’s called rugged! And my girlfriend says I look great, and—I don’t look thirty-eight!

Damian: Which unfunny host was banned from SNL, he looks like him?

Jason: Please don't.

Lian: Steven Seagal.

Damian: You’re him. Yes.

Jason: Steven Seagal? That was so mean! How do you even know about that?! That was in the—That’s an old reference that Dick and Roy told me about because they’re the old ones.

Jon: We watched a top ten list.

Lian: Eddie Murphy was on that show?

Jason: Yes, he was part of the main cast in the—Oh my God, I’m old.

Roy: It takes a minute to get used to. You and Steven Seagal do—

Jason: No, the fuck we don’t! I know how to fight! Dick, stop looking at my cards!

Jon: I told you guys watching that video would help us.

Damian: Well what else were we going to listen to while gaming? Long list videos are the best after we had to ban Lian's playlist.

Ra's (to Slade): You find new ways to make me hate you.

Slade: I- I thought it was a random bunny! I didn't know that was his pet!

Damian sobbed dramatically, saddened by his dead bunny friend, but also wanting Slade to be pummeled again by Ra's. Ra's clenched his fists, his glare turned to Slade.

Slade: Oh come on, he's crying over a stupid bunny! This isn't Doom! You can get another one. Fucking cry baby.

Damian (angry tears): Hey, I may be a ninja, but I have feelings! Zoey was just an innocent bunny and you killed her! You took her life! Shame! Shame on you!

Slade: Shut your mouth you, reta-

Ra's covered the man's mouth, silencing him and with a few deep breaths he kicked Slade in the crotch first then slammed the man's head on the ground.

Damian pulled out his phone to record the fight.

Damian (to the bunny): Don't worry Zoey, your death will not be in vain. Go for his eye grandfather, that's his weak spot.

Ra's (poking Slade in his good eye): Thank you Habibi!

Hours later Ra's and Damian stood at the Lazarus pit with the revived Zoey, the bunny hopped happily with renewed energy.

Ra's: With animals it's tricky reviving them, but seeing as she was shot I thought we could give it a try with her.

Damian: Mm-hm, thank you grandfather. You're a bad guy, but not Slade bad guy.

Duke: You’re welcome! I never hold back on complimenting gorgeous people.

Damian (threatening tone, squinting his eyes angrily): Sleep with one eye open.

Talia: Dami, relax. As for my father, he won’t tell me when he was born, but it would make him roughly five hundred years old.

Duke: Daaaaamn! I mean damn! Like damn! Five hundred? Ain't no way! He gotta be older. Damn! Damn! Damn! Da-

Ra's: Stop repeating the word! I look great!

Duke: Really? I mean at a family event you'd be the more approachable of the creepy old men sitting in a corner, passing around the cigarette to the point there's a smoke cloud above ya'll. I'd ask you for money first.

Damian: Hey! That may be true, but he is also tough as nails!

Ra's: Thank you Damian... I think.

Duke: I'm surprised not gonna lie. He uses the pit to look like... that? And I did mean that to insult him.

Talia: Yeah, I have no idea why he chose to look the way he does, but you're handsome, Father.

Ra's (raising a club above Duke's head): Thank you, sweetie.

Talia: As for me, I’m Bruce’s age. Ra's had me late in his life.

Duke: You... you're Bruce’s age? For real? I figured you used the pit to maintain this stunning appearance, but Bruce's age? Girl, you've always looked fabulous!

Talia giggled, covering her mouth flattered by the praise.

Talia: A woman has to maintain appearanc— Father, lower the club! And Damian, put your katana back in its sheath!

Duke glanced at the two men, both ready for a fight. Damian pouted but lowered his sword, and Ra's lowered his as well, giving Duke a light smack on the back of the head.

Damian kicked Ra's on his shin.

Ra's: Kids these days are getting more brazen.

Duke (rubbing his forehead): Rude. Talia, if you’re not okay with my compliments, I can—

Talia (hugging Duke): No, no, no, you're quite all right. You don’t have any nefarious reasons, you simply admire my beauty. You’re just a... good man. Keep it up.

Duke: I was raised well.

Damian: Sleep with one eye open, Thomas!

Wonder Woman: Yeah, Batman. Stay in your lane.

Batman nodded then walked off.

Superman: Yeah quit telling me what to do all the time! You're not my dads! You're not God! So piss off!

Wonder Woman gave her friend a round of applause on his well done verbal smackdown especially since Batman hadn't responded yet nor was he giving off his usual intimidating glare.

Batman: A simple sit this one out, would've sufficed, but whatever I'll stay here. Rudeness like that wasn't warranted. And Collen Hoover books suck.

Superman (shouting): Don't you insult my books. I will knock your ass back to the manor!

Batman headed to the Batmobile and Superman took off into space to stop the oncoming meteor. Wonder Woman stayed in her spot.

Wonder Woman: That's what I call positive teamwork.

Superman and Batman (shouting): SHUT UP DIANA!

Jon (scratching his head): Why would they sell these at a book fair?

Lian (hugging the pink gremlin doll): Why not? They're super soft. Want one?

Jon: Nah, I'm good. I prefer the plushy bunny or teddy bear. Damian, you want one?

Damian: It's a keychain of a tiny furry monster... I'll take one, how much you want for it?

Lian: It's a gift, you don't have to pay. I got a black one for you, to match your dad's job.

Damian took hold of the Labubu doll, turned it to the side, and smiled softly. The evil toothy grin, bugged-out eyes, and fluffy fur on its body were appealing to him. It reminded him of some of the pets he had.

Damian: Yes, this is perfect for me. I'll name him Batman. Thank you Lian.

Lian (pulling out a book): No problem. Glad you like it. For you Jon, I expected this. I got you a Goosebumps book.

Damian: You read Goosebumps books?

Jon (taking the book): Yeah, it's good horror. Not a fat man wearing a bad Winnie the Pooh mask.

Lian: You forgot Piglet.

Jon: I don't want to remember Piglet! Seriously the people who made that mess of a horror film need to be locked up in Arkham! Why did you show us that movie?

Lian (stroking her Labubu doll like it was her evil cat): Because I enjoy chaos like that. We're totally watching the sequel when I can get past my dad's parental locks.

Damian (hooking his new Labubu doll to his backpack): I heard the sequel was slightly better so I welcome the chaos. If you need help hacking tech, give me a call.

Lian: I will consider that.

Jon groaned loudly, shaking his head.

Damian (patting his friend on the shoulder): Jon, don't worry I'll shield your innocent eyes from all the scary parts.

Jon: Mock me all you want, I stand by that movie was awful.

Lian: Didn't you get aged up and live through hell in another universe? Winnie the Pooh horror should be tame to you.

Jon: No, that wasn't something I saw during that time and even if I did, I don't want to see it in a horror movie. What's next? Peter Pan?

Lian smiled evilly silently answering the question. Damian laughed dryly at that reaction.

Jon (tired smile): Lian... Thanks for the gifts at least.

Lian: No problem, besties.

This is a Labubu doll (I am the proud mother of two that I have affectionally named Chucky and Tiffany lol)↓

Duke: I'm just saying, you're six feet tall, and your back is the size of two Damian's, so I’m surprised you and Bruce don’t strain your greasy, big-ass backs!

Damian laughed harder, falling to the ground and kicking his feet with joy.

Jason: Stop!

Bruce: I haven't said anything. It's not my fault I’m shaped this way.

Duke: Big backs, this ain't about you.

Jason: That's the last time you're going to call me a big back.

Duke: Hey, I'm telling Tim that his skinny, weasel-ass should be more spry and take down more baddies than ya'll, so I can avoid getting shanked in the hip!

Tim: Oh my God, I said I was sorry!

Duke: That doesn’t remove the shank from my hip, bitch!

Tim: Okay, but did you die? No. No! I literally got shot in the throat once. I was unfortunate not to have a big, beefy neck like Bruce and Jason!

Bruce: Beefy? These are oddly specific.

Jason: Stop body-shaming us!

Damian (while on the ground laughing): He said you both have beefy necks and big backs! HAHAHA!

Duke: Knock it off, Tim. We ain't talking about the big backs.

Bruce: We don't have big backs!

Duke: They’re built like that and trained not to trip on their own feet like you did when Riddler shanked me instead of you! You got winded after chasing Mr. Freeze, twice. Dick, I get being exhausted, his ass is essentially a big back.

Dick (hurt): That was so mean!

Duke: I’m not talking about you. I’m saying Tim needs to do better because he pissed me off! I'm not mad at you!

Dick: I’m a circus kid. I trained a long time and wear spandex. However large my bottom is doesn’t mean I get winded. Go back to insulting Bruce and Jason.

Bruce: Or don’t do that.

Duke: Nah, Bruce, you’re fine. I’m just saying, when I bob and weave and Tim is fighting with me, I don’t want to be shanked like I’m on the wire! Tim, you owe me for that, bitch!

Damian: Yes, Drake, you owe him. Do better! Ho.

Bruce: Damian, don’t call him that.

Damian: I can’t call him a big back, oh, wait, I got one! Do better, you Pete Davidson anorexic clone.

Duke: Ho still works there if you know about Pete’s dating history.

Tim: You want to see what I can do to you? Keep talking! I’ll beat both your asses!

Damian handed the drawing to Ra’s. The man took it, glaring at the paper. Damian kept staring at his feet, worried about the reaction.

Jason: He’s been into drawing animals lately. I think this is his best one yet. And Ra’s, you probably agree.

Jason gripped a folding hunting knife in his hand, casually pretending to swipe it across his throat, an ominous gesture meant to simulate where he’d start if Ra’s caused Damian to cry again. Last time that happened, Ra’s had ended up sewing up a hand wound after Jason stabbed him with a carving fork.

Jason: What do you think, Ra’s? Great? Tell him it’s great.

Ra’s looked at the drawing, then at Damian, who was nervously avoiding his gaze.

Ra’s: …I do not feel like fighting with you today. Damian, it’s adequate. I will file this away with some other sketches of yours I didn’t hate.

Damian looked from his grandfather to the side, a small smile forming.

Damian: Really? Oh… Thank you, grandfather. I appreciate the kind words.

Jason carefully folded the knife and slid it into his pocket. Damian turned to him, holding out his hand.

Jason: Here ya go.

Jason handed Damian a yellow fruit chew, which the boy ate happily.

Damian (chewing): It’s sour… I like it. Thank you for being here while I showed grandfather my picture.

Jason: No problem, kid.

Ra’s silently covered his eyes, fuming at the sight of candy being given for what he considered an adequate—if uninspired—art piece.

Jason (whispering): That pencil can go up your urethra, don’t test me.

Ra’s pointed to the door.

Ra’s: Get out of my office.

Jason and Damian left, chatting about a show Jason had been watching with Damian. Ra’s groaned, rubbing his forehead, but when he looked at the drawing, a surprisingly decent depiction of a bunny, his usual stern expression softened.