Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Damian: That's his blood.

Talia (surprised): Really?

Damian: I punched him in the nose, and in the melee, his blood stained my shirt.

Talia: Damn, my baby boy's a scraper! I'm proud you drew the first blood. That is what happened, right?

Damian: Yeah, he tried to, but I was able to dodge his punches after he shoved me.

Before Talia could praise this, Bruce spoke up.

Bruce: Talia, if you're going to be here, don't condone what he did.

Talia: Oh, of course. I don’t want to offend the pacifist in the room.

Talia gave her ex-husband a knowing glance.

Bruce: Mine is not the same situation. He shouldn't be getting into fights at a private school.

Damian: But Baba, he started it!

Bruce: Calling me Baba won’t change my mind… this time.

Damian: …Mama, I am the victim!

Talia (hugging her son): I know, habibi.

Bruce: Talia!

Talia: Hey, he’s the victim. It was confirmed that the pig antagonized my son! I can already see it now, little Dami was with his friends—

Tim: Damian has friends?

Damian: Piss off!

Talia: As I was saying, he was with his real friends, enjoying library time, reading silently, when that American dog teased and taunted him for no reason. Damian, you defended yourself.

Bruce: He hit him with his lunchbox!

Alfred (while enjoying tea): To be fair, that was after the child shoved him numerous times.

Bruce: You're not helping.

Alfred: I'm not helping you.

Tim: I’m kind of on Talia’s side. The kid fucked around and found out.

Jason: And you're acting like the brat died. at most he had a bruised ego.

Bruce: In the fight, Damian knocked out the kid’s front teeth. Which is impressive, but not something he should do.

Jason: Yeah, if anything, he should grab a chair and slam it against his head like you did to that goon in ’97.

Bruce: Let’s put aside my night job for a second.

At that moment, Ra’s entered the kitchen, having waited in the car for twenty minutes.

Ra’s: Being a furry is a night job?

Bruce: Why is he here?

Ra’s: I got tired of waiting in the car. What’s going on in here?

Talia: Damian got into a fight.

Ra’s: Oh… he won?

Talia (nodding): Father, that is not what we’re focusing on.

Ra’s: You got blood on your nice shirt.

Damian: That’s the other boy’s blood. I punched him in the nose after he spat on me.

Tim: He spit on you?! Oh, that’s fucking around part.

Damian: And that’s when I grabbed my friend Mitchy’s tiny tumbler cup and bashed it against his nose. After that, I needed something else to throw, which led to grabbing my lunchbox.

Ra’s: You drew the first blood?

Damian nodded, icing his black eye.

Ra’s: That’s what I’m talking about! My grandson is a scrapper!

Bruce: What is wrong with you?

Ra’s: A lot. What’s your excuse?

Jason: Bruce, he’s got you there.

Bruce: Shut it. Damian, you can’t solve your problems with violence. Everyone else, shut the hell up!

The others fell silent, though they couldn’t resist pointing out Bruce’s hypocrisy for the tenth time. Tim received a ping on his phone and, when checking the message, smiled.

Tim: I texted Dick and Barbara about the incident. They both agree Damian shouldn’t have hit the kid, but since the American dog — as Talia called him — started the fight, Damian was defending himself and they think he had no other choice, but to fight back. See? FAFO. It’s a law.

Bruce: It’s not a law!

Tim: Dick said that while he’s on vacation with Kori, he can sense Dad’s hypocrisy.

Bruce: Well, tell him to shut the hell up, or I’ll cut that trip short!

Tim (texting back): Maybe this time he’ll take you seriously.

Damian: I’m glad most of you are on my side. Does this mean I’m not grounded?

Bruce: You are—

Talia: Yes! You won’t be punished this time. I think the ridiculous week-long suspension is enough.

Jason: Yeah, you know how schools are with their zero-tolerance policies bull.

Duke (entering the kitchen): Hello, everyone— how did Satan’s buddy cross the salt circle?

Ra’s: Silence! I will shoot you in the kneecaps! I am not in the mood today. As you can see, I’m congratulating my grandson for winning a fight at school.

Bruce: This wasn’t a planned boxing match. He got into a fight, and whether that bully was the instigator, he’s my son, and I—

Duke: You took my advice and waited for him to shove you first?

Damian nodded. Bruce threw his arms up giving up on talking over everyone.

Duke: Good job. Who drew blood first?

Talia: Damian. He hit the brat with a metal tumbler.

Talia patted her son on the head with a proud mama smile.

Duke: Damn, Damian, that’s what I’m talking about!

Bruce: Okay, forget it! Damian, you’re not grounded, just go to your room, and you’ll stay there for the week of suspension.

Damian: But I want to fight criminals!

Talia: In defense of my beloved, you have a few injuries that need to heal before you go back out as Robin. You deserve a proper rest as well.

Alfred (handing Damian a juice box and cookie): Here’s a snack.

Damian: Yay! Juice and cookies? This is the best outcome for me.

Ra’s (handing Damian twenty dollars): Here.

Damian: And money!

Ra’s: That’s comfort cash. Because I am a decent person, Duke Thomas!

Duke: Mm, Lucifer had his good moments.

Damian: Take it as a compliment, grandfather.

Ra’s: For you, I will. Do you want me to find the kid and his parents and punish them further?

Bruce: Okay, ignoring me. Fantastic.

Damian: No, father, and I agree on this. They’ve suffered enough, and as you taught me, my happiness and success come from their further suffering.

Batman (appearing behind Robin): So this is why you walked off.

Robin turned around, surprised to see his father had found him.

Robin: I was well hidden. How did you spot me?

Batman: I’ve raised three Robins before you. I learned your habits.

Robin: Good point. Can I have some money to buy a big bag of candy to refuel my body?

Batman: I should say no, but I want to buy a sweet treat too. Ten minutes.

Robin: Yes! Thank you, father! I’ll gloat to the others that you and I had this fun side quest together.

Batman: I hated every single word from that statement.

Spoiler (patting Batman's arm): Good.

Harley glanced at her backside then cupped her chest surprised.

Harley: That is so sweet- Wait, this ain't flirtin' is it?

Spoiler: No way. You're a ten though. This is me building up my fellow woman and blonde.

Harley: Oh, yep. Us blondes gotta stick together.

Batman: What a terrible night to have ears.

Spoiler: Joker never appreciated you and that's his loss.

Harley: I had no idea I needed to hear that. Thank ya, sweetie.

Harley hugged Spoiler. The heroine welcomed the embrace especially if it meant Batman was annoyed.

Harley: There was one time I coated myself in banana pudding for him. Mr. J laughed and called me dumb then told me to clean the mess up.

Spoiler: Oh my gosh! You poor thing. Thankfully Ivy is nothing like Joker. And I'm not leaving out the bedroom for that too.

Batman (walking away for his sanity): I don't have to be here for this.

Harley pulled away, laughing.

Harley (hugging herself): Ya think I'm pretty.

Spoiler: Keep the smile, queen. Your ex hates to see you prosper.

Harley: And that's how it should be.

Supergirl: Mama Kent found a way.

Superman: Don't call her Mama Kent. That's my mama!

Supergirl: I call her whatever I want to. You don't have claim of moms.

Superman: That is my mama! I will smack you!

Supergirl: And then I will lay your ass on the ground.

Batwoman: That's what I'm talking about.

Batwoman and Supergirl high fived, walking off to get drinks.

Superman (overhearing an insult): Hey! I am not baby lotion soft!

Supergirl: Yes you are.

Batman (eating a chocolate bar): You really are.

Bruce: Oh you want to die.

Oliver slapped Bruce. A loud slap that caused Bruce to tackle him to the ground, and the grown men started fighting. Tim stood by, entering the room late. He let out a weary sigh.

Tim: What are they arguing about this time?

Dick: I called dibs on the last brownie.

Roy: I got low blood sugar! I wanted that brownie! I can't get nothing good in life!

Roy dramatically cried, covering his face. Dick continued eating his brownie unfazed.

Dick: Hey, we played rock, papers, scissors as well. He threw scissors, I put down rock.

Tim: He's got a point. Roy, you're not actually that upset are you?

Roy (pausing his acting performance): Not really. But I'm bored and overreacting to defend my dad is fun.

Tim: That's also a good point... I have fifty on Oliver.

Bruce (in a headlock): Don't bet against me!

Roy: I'm gonna get you back, Dick. When there's one cookie left, I'll be there first. When there's a last slice of pizza, I'll be there first. And when the last slice of cake is served—

Dick: I already won there.

Roy chuckled, accepting defeat this time.