Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Baby (Toddler but it's the same diff) Damian (singing while stacking blocks): A, B, C, D, E, G, H- Um... Um...

Ra's: I, J, K, L- Damn it! I lost track.

Baby Damian (happy): Ah! I, J, K, L! Thank you, grandfather.

Ra's: You're welcome grandson. I have to start counting again. Eh, I don't mind.

Talia: Father, you were at 110. 110! That is the number you stopped at. Just-

Ra's: I won't sleep at night until this is done. Time to start over.

Ra's proceeded to dump the change from the jar onto the table and started recounting the change for the third time. Talia covered her voice, letting out a muffled scream.

Baby Damian waddled over to Ra's and silently watched him count the coins.

Ra's: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5- Why is he staring at me?

Talia: I have no idea. He likes to watch people.

Ra's: Hm... Okay then. Grandson, want to see coins put into paper rolls?

Baby Damian (staring at the pennies): Hm, hm... Yes.

Talia: Father, train him to be a killer, not boring.

Ra's: There's fun in what I do. What number did I stop at?

Baby Damian (holding up his open hand): Five.

Ra's: Ah, yes. Thank you, grandson.

Talia: You two have fun with counting spare change, I'll be at the business convention with men who think smacking my bottom is flirting.

Ra's: Don't forget the purple katana— Oh grandson, this penny is from the land Ar-kansas. That is a mythical land in America.

Baby Damian (actually amazed): Wooow!

Lex: You talk about being a fearsome being, and you are. But remember who fucked your daughter? Batman. You can be scary, you got that going for you and Batman will forever have the fact his DNA is shared with your grandson. So there. Go, you.

Lex finished his speech with the most sarcastic clap. Ra's was taken back. Most of the villains in the room were too shocked to speak. Cheetah covered her mouth with her tail, Ivy was quietly cackling, and Bane could only nod in agreement.

Black Manta: Damn.

Ra's: Yes, well—that's not—

Lex: And you can't pretend like you don't care for that gremlin. Slade has whined about the four separate incidents you've turned him into a pin cushion.

Ra's: Slade is a creepy fuck, you know that.

Lex: Oh, I do. He most certainly deserved whatever beatings you gave him, but the main reason, the central focus, the common denominator is he was a dick and insulted your grandson.

Sinestro: Oh and don't forget his daughter still wants to be with that man.

Lex: That is a true comment. The leader of a fur-con has claim over Talia Al Ghul. She'll slice a man in half, but drop them panties for the fursona.

Lex sat back in his chair, finished talking. Ra's looked around slowly realizing that the man had monologue insulted him surprisingly well.

Black Manta: Damn! He isn’t letting up with the furry insults.

Ra's: Shut up. You fight the human version of Spongebob!

Black Manta: Hey, Aquaman is a real one. Don’t come at me for fighting a whole water-bender. I was being nice, not saying anything but he’s right about the grandkid. Batman got your daughter pregnant, and she kept the kid!

Gorilla Grodd: And he’s raising an adorable, violent child as well.

Cheetah (hiding behind Grodd): Let's go back to the custody part. He’s being raised by Batman! You know how bloody embarrassing that is for the man to have full custody of the kid!

Cheetah looked around, pretending she hadn’t said all that.

Cheetah: Sinestro, why did you say that?

Sinestro (playing along): I stand by it.

Ra's breathed angrily, ready to gore so many people in that room.

Lex: You can beat me up, stab me, you can kill me, but I’m going to be right. So, what are you going to do? What’s your ancient ass going to do?

Twenty minutes later:

Riddler arrived late to the meeting after the melee, seeing a few injured but alive villains and Ra’s gone, leaving slash marks on the wall.

Riddler (deadpan): Ra’s was here?

Cheetah (unscathed): Yep. Lex told him the thing.

Riddler: Lex? I thought you were smart!

Lex (icing his deep slash on his hip): Worth it.

Black Manta (icing his eye): I respect that, too. You said that with your chest and stood by it. You a real one for that. Damn, he wears too many rings.

Lex: That’s compensation.

Joker (sewing his fingers back together): Why’d he go after me? I never said anything! I was enjoying my snack, and he just swipes a blade on my arm?

Lex: You threw his grandson out a window once.

Joker: And then his stupid friend caught him. That was like a year ago. I am never attending these meetings if he’s here. I already have to deal with Batman’s flock of birds and Pussycat. I don’t need this. I’m mad, but not that mad! Cheetah literally said a mean thing! How the fuck is she not cut?

Cheetah: I apologized before he hit me.

Batman (snapping at his son): I am in the middle of a conversation about a group of police officers who took exams to carry a gun but managed to lose a giant manila envelope!

Jim (shouting): And I said it’s not my fault!

Nightwing (remaining calm): Cool. Anyway, I need you to verify something for me with a different cop.

Batman (annoyed): Why? You were there. Can’t you do that yourself?

Nightwing (tense tone): What a fantastic suggestion. Hey, newsflash, I did all that. He said he needs you to verify. Blame the guy. He said there’s a lot of paperwork, and he can’t go off one costume vigilante’s word. He needs two.

Batman (stressed out): Fine. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Just wait.

Nightwing (kind tone): Okay, thank you.

Batman (raising his voice like a jerk): I said give me a few minutes—

Nightwing (matching energy): Bitch, I heard you, and I said thank you!

Nightwing walked off, returning to his jovial tone, leaving his father and Jim surprised by his reaction. Jim looked off to the side, trying not to chuckle. Batman was taken aback.

Batman (attempting to being intimidating): Yeah, well… you can’t speak to me with that tone. I’ll allow it this time, though.

Nightwing: Okie dokie, Batman. Remember, you don’t have to take out your adult temper tantrums on me. I will match your energy. I’ll be waiting, Papa. Love you by the way.

Red Robin, overhearing the chatter, chimed in, standing beside Nightwing.

Red Robin: Yeah, he’ll be patiently waiting, and you can’t be mad at him for that. And if you do get mad… you’re a bad parent.

Nightwing: What he said. The law was passed three years ago.

Batman grumbled, surprised by the absolute audacity of his son’s backtalk, but in his defense, he never raised his kids to be cowards or to fear his tone.

Batman: I created a bunch of smart-mouthed kids— Oh sweet Jesus, I’m talking like you now!

Dick blinked, glancing at his back side then shrugged.

Dick: It doesn't look big to me.

Stephanie: Respectfully, it is. Like in a good way!

Dick: It does help with comfortable sitting.

Stephanie: Hell yeah. It's big and firm! You got booty pop! Respectfully, like I'm not into you, I'm just impressed.

Dick: Thanks.

Stephanie: You're welcome, you got booty that makes a man want you.

Dick: That is a true statement.

Stephanie: Barbara, what are you doing wrong?! How did you have hips, but no booty? How? How?! How?!

Barbara: Stop saying that!

Dick: She skipped squats and leg day. Also... You're not flirting?

Stephanie: Ew, no. You're old and not my type. You do got cheeks though. One more, THE CHEEKIES!

Stephanie shouted that last part, throwing her arms in the air in support. She chuckled at her own joke afterwards. Bruce tried using his batarang as a gun and pretend to shoot himself in the head.

Dick burst into laughter. Usually butt comments annoyed him, but Stephanie had a good energy that showed she wasn't sexualizing him. She just respected the assets.

Stephanie: Hey, us thicc baddies gotta build each other up.

Bruce: I need you to stop talking or I'm going to get violent. Enough. Enough. The madness stops here. Alexander wept, for I don't need to hear someone compliment my son's ass while I'm trying to decompress from fighting a man who thinks ketchup and mustard are valid fighting tools!

Dick: Oh relax Bruce, she's actually complimenting me and I don't feel like a piece of meat.

Barbara: Oh but when I say, let me take a bit of that cake, you clutch pearls. This is why I dumped you!

Stephanie: Jealous.

Barbara: ...A little.

Talia (clasping her hands overjoyed): He finally said it! He said it in front of my ex-husband! Happy day!

Bruce: Has anyone recorded this? The league will never believe me without proof!

Maid: Oh my stars, I’m alive to see it.

A random associate could only faint in shock. Ra's ignored them, grunting in annoyance.

Damian (encouraging his grandfather): Pretend they’re not here. You’ve got this, grandfather.

Ra's: Thank you. Grandson... Damian, don’t… don’t hold back for anybody. The farther you go, the prouder I’ll be.

Damian: Grandfather? Grandfather… you mean that?

Ra's nodded, smiling.

A rare, genuine smile after saying those heartfelt words to Damian. Damian looked around, then down at his feet and at his grandfather. Sniffling softly, he hugged Ra's, surprising everyone in the room. Ra's glanced around and patted his grandson on the back.

Damian: Thank you, grandfather. I will not forget this. I also won’t tell others you were soft.

Jon: Yeah, yeah, you do. I honestly thought you were almost thirty.

Lian: I guessed twenty-eight. I got your back, unc.

Jason: How does that make any sense?! Dick is in his thirties; he's the ancient fossil, the old man… the unc. You kids say that right?

Lian: Yes, but not like that.

Jon: Your inflection was way off.

Damian: Are you sure you aren’t in your late thirties? You look exactly like father… maybe a little older.

Tim's laugh could be heard slowly entering the conversation.

Jason: OLDER?! Hey, that’s a damn lie! And if one of you says anything, I will kick you in the teeth!

Jason glared at his brothers and Roy, who overheard the conversation while playing cards. Tim was unable to respond since he was doubled over in laughter. Dick smirked, holding back his chuckles, even Roy had to cover his mouth.

Roy: We're laughing at something else.

Tim (between laughs): He—He said… Not thirty-eight… A—A— A rough thirty-eight! HAHAHAHA! He said you’re extra old.

Jason: Yeah, well, I’d rather be called older than… look seventeen like you!

Damian: …Jason—

Lian: I got this one. Uncle Jason, Tim is a hottie for his age. Clearly... clearly... clearly.

Tim laughed harder at that response. Jason’s face turned red, and Damian nearly puked.

Tim: This is the best day!

Damian: I wasn’t going to word it like that! I was going to say that wasn’t an insult. Stop finding him hot!

Lian (squinting): Nah, I call them like I see them.

Jon: And your other brother is hot too. Don’t want you to feel left out, Dick!

Dick: Thank you, Jon.

Jon: Roy, you... look good too. Sorry Lian.

Lian: I'll let that slide.

Roy: Thanks, Jon.

Damian: As much as I despise complimenting my family members, I have to agree with the terrible two, you’re the oldest-looking one. Which is a shame since you’re the middle child. What are you doing wrong?

Jason: I’m not old, it’s called rugged! And my girlfriend says I look great, and—I don’t look thirty-eight!

Damian: Which unfunny host was banned from SNL, he looks like him?

Jason: Please don't.

Lian: Steven Seagal.

Damian: You’re him. Yes.

Jason: Steven Seagal? That was so mean! How do you even know about that?! That was in the—That’s an old reference that Dick and Roy told me about because they’re the old ones.

Jon: We watched a top ten list.

Lian: Eddie Murphy was on that show?

Jason: Yes, he was part of the main cast in the—Oh my God, I’m old.

Roy: It takes a minute to get used to. You and Steven Seagal do—

Jason: No, the fuck we don’t! I know how to fight! Dick, stop looking at my cards!

Jon: I told you guys watching that video would help us.

Damian: Well what else were we going to listen to while gaming? Long list videos are the best after we had to ban Lian's playlist.

Ra's (to Slade): You find new ways to make me hate you.

Slade: I- I thought it was a random bunny! I didn't know that was his pet!

Damian sobbed dramatically, saddened by his dead bunny friend, but also wanting Slade to be pummeled again by Ra's. Ra's clenched his fists, his glare turned to Slade.

Slade: Oh come on, he's crying over a stupid bunny! This isn't Doom! You can get another one. Fucking cry baby.

Damian (angry tears): Hey, I may be a ninja, but I have feelings! Zoey was just an innocent bunny and you killed her! You took her life! Shame! Shame on you!

Slade: Shut your mouth you, reta-

Ra's covered the man's mouth, silencing him and with a few deep breaths he kicked Slade in the crotch first then slammed the man's head on the ground.

Damian pulled out his phone to record the fight.

Damian (to the bunny): Don't worry Zoey, your death will not be in vain. Go for his eye grandfather, that's his weak spot.

Ra's (poking Slade in his good eye): Thank you Habibi!

Hours later Ra's and Damian stood at the Lazarus pit with the revived Zoey, the bunny hopped happily with renewed energy.

Ra's: With animals it's tricky reviving them, but seeing as she was shot I thought we could give it a try with her.

Damian: Mm-hm, thank you grandfather. You're a bad guy, but not Slade bad guy.

Duke: You’re welcome! I never hold back on complimenting gorgeous people.

Damian (threatening tone, squinting his eyes angrily): Sleep with one eye open.

Talia: Dami, relax. As for my father, he won’t tell me when he was born, but it would make him roughly five hundred years old.

Duke: Daaaaamn! I mean damn! Like damn! Five hundred? Ain't no way! He gotta be older. Damn! Damn! Damn! Da-

Ra's: Stop repeating the word! I look great!

Duke: Really? I mean at a family event you'd be the more approachable of the creepy old men sitting in a corner, passing around the cigarette to the point there's a smoke cloud above ya'll. I'd ask you for money first.

Damian: Hey! That may be true, but he is also tough as nails!

Ra's: Thank you Damian... I think.

Duke: I'm surprised not gonna lie. He uses the pit to look like... that? And I did mean that to insult him.

Talia: Yeah, I have no idea why he chose to look the way he does, but you're handsome, Father.

Ra's (raising a club above Duke's head): Thank you, sweetie.

Talia: As for me, I’m Bruce’s age. Ra's had me late in his life.

Duke: You... you're Bruce’s age? For real? I figured you used the pit to maintain this stunning appearance, but Bruce's age? Girl, you've always looked fabulous!

Talia giggled, covering her mouth flattered by the praise.

Talia: A woman has to maintain appearanc— Father, lower the club! And Damian, put your katana back in its sheath!

Duke glanced at the two men, both ready for a fight. Damian pouted but lowered his sword, and Ra's lowered his as well, giving Duke a light smack on the back of the head.

Damian kicked Ra's on his shin.

Ra's: Kids these days are getting more brazen.

Duke (rubbing his forehead): Rude. Talia, if you’re not okay with my compliments, I can—

Talia (hugging Duke): No, no, no, you're quite all right. You don’t have any nefarious reasons, you simply admire my beauty. You’re just a... good man. Keep it up.

Duke: I was raised well.

Damian: Sleep with one eye open, Thomas!

Wonder Woman: Yeah, Batman. Stay in your lane.

Batman nodded then walked off.

Superman: Yeah quit telling me what to do all the time! You're not my dads! You're not God! So piss off!

Wonder Woman gave her friend a round of applause on his well done verbal smackdown especially since Batman hadn't responded yet nor was he giving off his usual intimidating glare.

Batman: A simple sit this one out, would've sufficed, but whatever I'll stay here. Rudeness like that wasn't warranted. And Collen Hoover books suck.

Superman (shouting): Don't you insult my books. I will knock your ass back to the manor!

Batman headed to the Batmobile and Superman took off into space to stop the oncoming meteor. Wonder Woman stayed in her spot.

Wonder Woman: That's what I call positive teamwork.

Superman and Batman (shouting): SHUT UP DIANA!