Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Duke: That's why I like you—you think the same way I do!

Duke high-fived Stephanie. Stephanie shrugged nonchalantly; she was simply speaking her mind, and that wasn't what Damian wanted to see at all. Bruce stifled his laughter, covering his mouth and excusing himself. Damian started smelling burning toast.

Damian (enraged): First Duke, and now you're playing in my face?! Stop complimenting her! She doesn't like that!

Talia (contrary): Stephanie, thank you.

Damian (shoulders slumped): Damn it, Mother.

Talia: I desperately needed to hear that. My days have been swamped with work. Being a single businesswoman and mother is not easy. I don’t hate it, but it’s exhausting.

Stephanie: You’re valid for that. I don’t agree with the assassin part, obviously, but you’re really pretty.

Talia (hand on her chest, appreciative): I—Thank you. Um, but to answer your first question, I maintain a good diet and exercise routine. My skincare routine is a ten-step process, and I don’t know what else—I’ve always looked like this.

Stephanie: Yas, queen! I'm a girls girl before ever being on the boys team. That's why Bruce fired me. Couldn't handle the mighty power of the estrogen!

Bruce (while laughing): You can have that one since you made me laugh! Oh shit, every time I see this I can't stop laughing!

Dick and Jason shook their heads at their father's reaction, l but were equally amused. Damian attempted to pounce on Stephanie, but she placed a hand on his forehead, holding him back. He swung his arms, failing to break free.

Damian: Mother, don’t listen to her!

Duke clapped walking away. He had to walk away himself, being around Talia, seeing Damian mad, and Bruce doubled over in laughter was too much to hold back on laughing at.

Stephanie: I can see why you were voted the hottest woman to bang Batman.

Bruce: When- When was that a poll?

Stephanie: It’s on a Tumblr blog I follow. Anyway, no wrinkles or anything? How did you end up with this sack of a donkey?

Bruce: I should’ve banned you from asking questions. I regret not making that clear. I have to get a glass of water.

Talia: She means that in jest, beloved. Bruce is an enigma that has always fascinated me.

Stephanie: And you’re a bombshell that makes grown men cry because they can’t be with you.

Damian: Silence! My mother is not out of my father’s league!

Stephanie: You’ve got him brainwashed, Bruce. Again, respectfully, Talia, you can get it.

Talia: I’m assuming that’s another way of saying I’m gorgeous and I always will be. Where’s the tightrope walker? I must gloat.

Dick (six feet away): I’m over here. Six feet and all that— it’s like during the pandemic, except mine is to maintain distance so you don’t turn me to stone. I’m calling you Medusa!

Talia: Medusa was a tragic Greek character punished unfairly by the gods, so I take that as a compliment!

Stephanie: Plus, she was low-key pretty in the legends.

Dick: Stop being nice to her!

Damian: What he said, and, eh, eh, let me hit you!

Stephanie (shoving Damian to the ground): Nope. Sorry for pushing your son, Talia.

Talia (picking up Damian to hold him back): It’s quite all right. My hubby gets jealous when his mama gets called pretty. It’s okay, Dami. You will always be my baby.

Stephanie snickered, subtly taking a photo with her phone of this embarrassing moment as Talia began to give Damian the dreaded motherly affection.

Stephanie: Yeah, Dami, chill. Mommy loves ya.

Damian: No cheek rubs! How did this backfire for me twice?

Hal pulled out some popcorn, snacking as Oliver went from jaw dropped to changing red in the face.

Hal: He said you can't cook Oliver!

John: I shouldn't... I'm gonna, he also said you're bad at sex! He basically called your girl mid! Don't let him test your gangsta!

Hal: That's what I'm talking about! Chaos! Who else wants to add?

Diana: No! Don't listen to them. Ollie, he didn't mean-

Barry: I meant it all! No offense to Dinah, she got caught in the cross fire. She's out of your league! She's a ten and you're a three! Bitch!

Diana: Bruce, step in here.

Bruce (disinterested while texting Selina): I should step in, but it's not busy today. Oliver, you going to take that sitting down?

Diana: What have you unleashed?

Oliver (cracking his knuckles): I'm about to beat your ass.

Barry: Come at me, basic blonde!

Most of the JLA members hurried over separating the two arguing men while Oliver tried to swat and fight Barry. Barry grabbed a chair, ready to wwe body slam Oliver.

Hal: What started the fight again?

Bruce: Which cooking show is better. Then which 90s medical drama is better. And eventually spiraled into Ollie calling Barry, the orange president's lost son.

Hal: Right and Barry understandably took offense to that. I got twenty on Oliver.

Bruce: I'll bet on those odds.

Kiera: Me and Hawkman got fifty on Ollie before Dinah breaks them up.

Hal: I know we don't always get along but it could be worse.

Tim glared at Damian. Damian grinned happily waiting for right moment.

Damian: Rudolph the red nosed twink.

Tim: I will break you like a stick, you little asshole!

Dick (immediately restraining Tim): Let it go! Don't take the bait.

Damian: He can try to hit me but he'll be waking up at a Pop Smoke concert afterwards. I got that line from Duke.

Damian nodded proud of himself. Tim was practically frothing at the mouth like a rabies raccoon.

Jason (laughing): Rob Schinender? He has the body of Pete and face of Rob? That is so mean! I love it. You seriously need to quit pushing his button when he's going through sanity slippage.

Tim (red eyes, twitching eye): You are Batman and I am Bane, bitch!

Damian: That was a way to say you'll break my back, yet in your attempt to threaten me you also compared me to Batman. I win.

Dick: Damian, go to another room! He will try to eat you!

Damian: One more. Tim if you do hit me, I'll tell father you instigated first and call him baba and he'll believe me. Bitch.

Damian slapped Tim then raced off. Tim flipped Dick to the ground. Jason quickly grabbed Tim by his shirt collar and pulled him back, holding him back to calm him down.

Tim: I'm going to send him to Ra's in a body bag if he don't stop testing me!

Bruce: I will get it back, but no one is spraying strangers with it. I had to pay Jimmy's medical bills after Dick made him slip and break his hip. That's why he was barred from using water guns!

Bruce ran outside hearing neighbors screams and his eldest son's cackling.

Bruce: Dick! Give me that!

Dick: It's my right to bear arms! Water arms!

Dick sprayed Bruce with pressurized water from the gun. Bruce spat and flailed his arms, then chased after his son. Dick cackled more, running around the yard. Damian watched from the window, his brows furrowed in jealousy.

Damian (pouting): That's supposed to be me out there. I modified it too. He better not find my slime smoke bombs in—

Dick had in fact found the slime bombs and tossed one at Bruce, but unfortunately Jason had arrived at the manor and got hit instead. After Jason was thoroughly covered in sticky goop, he chased after his brother.

Lian: Yep! You sounded sad you were low on funds for that trip with Donna and I wanted to help. You always act so weird about asking him for money. It's easy for me. Grandpa never says no to me. 'Cuz I'm his precious grandbaby.

Roy sighed, laughing softly.

Roy: You're wrong for lying, but thank you, pumpkin. I have it covered though. So let's do this, we split the money.

Lian (eager): Three hundred for me?!

Roy: You know it's two fifty, you little sneak. Here.

Roy handed Lian two one-hundred-dollar bills, then pulled fifty out of his wallet to add to the bundle.

Lian (amazed): Helping someone get money got me money... Thank you, Santa!

Roy: You're lucky I raised you well, or you'd be a little crook.

Lian: My mom is Cheshire. I'm a hustler, I get money.

Roy: Stop quoting Wu-Tang!

Roy gave Lian a kiss on the forehead and told her to get ready for school. Lian hurried off, immediately texting Damian and Jon about how she won at life again. Jon sent a supportive cat-smiling emoji; Damian was incensed.

Damian (to Jason): She's so smug!

Batman: That's just a funny thing he says... When something is true.

Jim: Yeah, yeah. That's not the weirdest nor most concerning thing about you. You know having a violent child and a weirdly talented, prodigy not as violent child is something we have in common and that scares me.

Batman: It's reassuring for me.

Robin: Father, who is the violent child he's referring to for you?

Batman refused to respond.

Robin (tugging his father's cape): Father? Father? I'm clearly the prodigy, who is the violent one? Father, stop ignoring me! Red Hood? Nightwing? It's Red Robin, isn't it?

Batman: It's just an inside joke, Robin.

Nightwing standing right next to the group, cleared his throat and spoke up.

Nightwing (speaking up): No, it's not. I'm the favorite which means—

Batman (glaring at his son): It is an inside joke!

Nightwing (mumbling): ...Oracle gets told she's the favorite.

Batman: His other kid is a serial killer! No offense Jim!

Jim: No, no it's a fact of my life unfortunately.

Meanwhile with Barbara in the Oracle tower.

Hal smiled, proud of himself. Bruce looked around, incensed, insulted, annoyed and refusing to admit that has happened a couple times in his life.

Hal: I got another one. You ever invested two million on Bing cuz you thought it would replace Google only to see that money go down the drain?

Hal softly elbowed Oliver as the man held his head down, surpressing his laughter, but did continue the bit.

Oliver: The fuck? No.

Hal: Well that's what Batman has done.

Stephanie: That’s impressive. Like, go you. Bear, is this like settling for you?

Bernard: No, no. He makes me laugh.

Stephanie (joking): But still.

Tim: Why is this insult-me day?

Stephanie: Dude, you dumped me before coming out. I’m a bit scorned, but it’s coming from the heart. Love ya, buddy.

Tim: Whatever. Quick question, has your mom set you up with random people, assuming you'd like them because you're bi?

Stephanie: Eleven times, yeah.

Bernard: Yeah, it’s their odd way of saying they support you, but they also don’t want you to be alone forever.

Tim: That, and they want grandbabies.

Stephanie: Obviously. I’m going to have a kid, but my eyes are set on a specific girl to be with.

Tim: You—

Bernard: Cass is going to steal your girl.

Tim: I was going to say that! You’re lucky I love you.

Kate: No. It's the same kind of bullshit sometimes. You know how a guy will ask you on a date if you're going to have sex with him, or he'll just leave?

Stephanie: Ew, yeah.

Cass nodded.

Kate: That has happened to me a couple of times, and some women seem to think the vagina doesn't have a smell. It does, and you can taste it. So, clean your kitty.

Cass (jotting that down on her phone): Practice proper hygiene for a good-smelling vaginal area.

Stephanie: Text me that too.

Kate: Any other questions?

Cass: How do you know when a girl is hitting on you versus just being friendly?

Kate: You learn social cues that might mean a girl wants you as more than a friend. They may be sitting right next to you, giving you bedroom eyes.

Cass (staring forward): Good to know.

Stephanie (giving Cass bedroom eyes): Yep, hey Cass, you're super cute in that top today. Like, making me have those thoughts.

Cass (blushing): Mm-hm.

Kate: Has Bruce warmed up to— He hasn't. So, Steph, keep flirting with her, and I'll beat up my cousin if he tries to stop your love from flourishing. Like, I will kick him in the nuts for you.

Stephanie: Omg, thank you so much.

Tim: My texts gave that vibe?

Dick nodded with a smile.

Tim: Yeah... I'm a mix of freaking out and anxious about what I have to tell you. I already told Bruce, so you were second on the list. There is a list. Like, I did make a list. I only put you as second because I work with Bruce and he's like my second dad and—

Dick: You want to take a breath?

Tim: I am. I just talk fast. What I'm getting at is that I wasn't sure how to tell you this, or anyone. Like, on one hand, it's not the 1950s anymore, so why would it be this difficult to tell someone you're— Like, you're not the type of— This could be the best or worst moment of my day and-. You know?

Dick: You haven't finished a sentence yet, but I think I get where you're going with this. Tim, whatever you're about to confess to me, I won't be mad. Okay?

Tim: Yeah, yeah, but I'm worried how you'll react.

Dick (grabbing his brother's shoulders): You are family to me. I would never turn my back on you. You're my brother.

Tim: I just don't want to lose that. I'm... I'm not straight and I'm not gay. I'm bi... I like both. I'm sorry.

Dick tilted his head, confused.

Dick: Why are you apologizing? You're fine.

Dick hugged Tim, calming his brother's nerves.

Dick: Was that it? You're bi? The way you were catastrophizing, I thought you killed a man.

Tim: That's Jason's thing. Although... if I did kill a person, they totally deserved it. Let that be on the record.

Dick pulled away laughing softly. Tim felt his nerves relax seeing his brother's reassuring smile and getting a hug from him.

Dick: Honestly, when he first told me he killed a man, my reaction wasn't as big as he expected. Mostly 'cause I already knew, but with you, I had no idea, and now that I know, nothing's changed. You're still my annoying brother who stalked me before you became Robin.

Tim: Right. I call it research.

Tim laughed, finally breathing easy.

Dick: Sure. Either way, you're stuck with me. How did Bruce react?

Tim: Bruce apparently already guessed before I told him. He had to ruin the moment like that.

Dick: He was the same with me. Bruce is one of those parents who has already figured out their kid is queer and is waiting for us to say something after we agonized for days deciding how to tell them.

Tim: Exactly. Wait — same with you?

Dick: I like who I like. And you do too. And don't worry, dating isn't easier when you're dating both genders.

Tim: I figured.

Dick: You feeling better now that you've fully come out of the closet?

Tim: A little. It was silly to think you'd turn on me, but I've read stories where that's been the outcome.

Dick: Hey, those people simply revealed they're assholes. I'm not. You said you're into dating both sexes, not that you want to screw a dog.

Tim: That was oddly the nicest thing to hear. You're right, it's making it easier to tell the others. I have five people left to tell and it's not easy. Barbara is next.

Barbara silently rolled out of Dick's guest bedroom, went to the kitchen to grab a carton of juice, and silently rolled past the boys. She heard the entire conversation.

Barbara: Can't believe I was third on the list.

Tim (flatly): How long has she—

Dick: Starfire set her up on a blind date and they came back to my place and ruined my sheets!

Barbara: You've got money, you can replace them. Oh, and Tim — you're going to be dating guys and gals?

Tim: Y— Yeah.

Barbara: Good luck. Dating men can be exhausting. But I'm glad you figured that part of yourself out. Dick, I'm drinking this OJ and I won't be paying you back.

With that, Barbara rolled back into the guest room. Dick sighed, annoyed.

Tim: All right, that means Jason is next.

Dick: He probably already knows.

Tim: Him too? How are people figuring it out before I did?

Dick: I asked the same question. Haven't gotten an answer yet, but Jason said his gaydar is really good. I smacked him on the chest for that comment and then we got lunch together.

Tim: I am hungry.

Dick: Let's get McDonald's.

Tim: Something less greasy.

Dick: You're right. This calls for an expensive chain restaurant, Ruth Chris. I'll pay.

Tim: This is already better than when I told Bruce. I used a pie analogy and he talked about who he could pair me up with.