Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Wonder Woman: Yeah, Batman. Stay in your lane.

Batman nodded then walked off.

Superman: Yeah quit telling me what to do all the time! You're not my dads! You're not God! So piss off!

Wonder Woman gave her friend a round of applause on his well done verbal smackdown especially since Batman hadn't responded yet nor was he giving off his usual intimidating glare.

Batman: A simple sit this one out, would've sufficed, but whatever I'll stay here. Rudeness like that wasn't warranted. And Collen Hoover books suck.

Superman (shouting): Don't you insult my books. I will knock your ass back to the manor!

Batman headed to the Batmobile and Superman took off into space to stop the oncoming meteor. Wonder Woman stayed in her spot.

Wonder Woman: That's what I call positive teamwork.

Superman and Batman (shouting): SHUT UP DIANA!

Jon (scratching his head): Why would they sell these at a book fair?

Lian (hugging the pink gremlin doll): Why not? They're super soft. Want one?

Jon: Nah, I'm good. I prefer the plushy bunny or teddy bear. Damian, you want one?

Damian: It's a keychain of a tiny furry monster... I'll take one, how much you want for it?

Lian: It's a gift, you don't have to pay. I got a black one for you, to match your dad's job.

Damian took hold of the Labubu doll, turned it to the side, and smiled softly. The evil toothy grin, bugged-out eyes, and fluffy fur on its body were appealing to him. It reminded him of some of the pets he had.

Damian: Yes, this is perfect for me. I'll name him Batman. Thank you Lian.

Lian (pulling out a book): No problem. Glad you like it. For you Jon, I expected this. I got you a Goosebumps book.

Damian: You read Goosebumps books?

Jon (taking the book): Yeah, it's good horror. Not a fat man wearing a bad Winnie the Pooh mask.

Lian: You forgot Piglet.

Jon: I don't want to remember Piglet! Seriously the people who made that mess of a horror film need to be locked up in Arkham! Why did you show us that movie?

Lian (stroking her Labubu doll like it was her evil cat): Because I enjoy chaos like that. We're totally watching the sequel when I can get past my dad's parental locks.

Damian (hooking his new Labubu doll to his backpack): I heard the sequel was slightly better so I welcome the chaos. If you need help hacking tech, give me a call.

Lian: I will consider that.

Jon groaned loudly, shaking his head.

Damian (patting his friend on the shoulder): Jon, don't worry I'll shield your innocent eyes from all the scary parts.

Jon: Mock me all you want, I stand by that movie was awful.

Lian: Didn't you get aged up and live through hell in another universe? Winnie the Pooh horror should be tame to you.

Jon: No, that wasn't something I saw during that time and even if I did, I don't want to see it in a horror movie. What's next? Peter Pan?

Lian smiled evilly silently answering the question. Damian laughed dryly at that reaction.

Jon (tired smile): Lian... Thanks for the gifts at least.

Lian: No problem, besties.

This is a Labubu doll (I am the proud mother of two that I have affectionally named Chucky and Tiffany lol)↓

Duke: I'm just saying, you're six feet tall, and your back is the size of two Damian's, so I’m surprised you and Bruce don’t strain your greasy, big-ass backs!

Damian laughed harder, falling to the ground and kicking his feet with joy.

Jason: Stop!

Bruce: I haven't said anything. It's not my fault I’m shaped this way.

Duke: Big backs, this ain't about you.

Jason: That's the last time you're going to call me a big back.

Duke: Hey, I'm telling Tim that his skinny, weasel-ass should be more spry and take down more baddies than ya'll, so I can avoid getting shanked in the hip!

Tim: Oh my God, I said I was sorry!

Duke: That doesn’t remove the shank from my hip, bitch!

Tim: Okay, but did you die? No. No! I literally got shot in the throat once. I was unfortunate not to have a big, beefy neck like Bruce and Jason!

Bruce: Beefy? These are oddly specific.

Jason: Stop body-shaming us!

Damian (while on the ground laughing): He said you both have beefy necks and big backs! HAHAHA!

Duke: Knock it off, Tim. We ain't talking about the big backs.

Bruce: We don't have big backs!

Duke: They’re built like that and trained not to trip on their own feet like you did when Riddler shanked me instead of you! You got winded after chasing Mr. Freeze, twice. Dick, I get being exhausted, his ass is essentially a big back.

Dick (hurt): That was so mean!

Duke: I’m not talking about you. I’m saying Tim needs to do better because he pissed me off! I'm not mad at you!

Dick: I’m a circus kid. I trained a long time and wear spandex. However large my bottom is doesn’t mean I get winded. Go back to insulting Bruce and Jason.

Bruce: Or don’t do that.

Duke: Nah, Bruce, you’re fine. I’m just saying, when I bob and weave and Tim is fighting with me, I don’t want to be shanked like I’m on the wire! Tim, you owe me for that, bitch!

Damian: Yes, Drake, you owe him. Do better! Ho.

Bruce: Damian, don’t call him that.

Damian: I can’t call him a big back, oh, wait, I got one! Do better, you Pete Davidson anorexic clone.

Duke: Ho still works there if you know about Pete’s dating history.

Tim: You want to see what I can do to you? Keep talking! I’ll beat both your asses!

Damian handed the drawing to Ra’s. The man took it, glaring at the paper. Damian kept staring at his feet, worried about the reaction.

Jason: He’s been into drawing animals lately. I think this is his best one yet. And Ra’s, you probably agree.

Jason gripped a folding hunting knife in his hand, casually pretending to swipe it across his throat, an ominous gesture meant to simulate where he’d start if Ra’s caused Damian to cry again. Last time that happened, Ra’s had ended up sewing up a hand wound after Jason stabbed him with a carving fork.

Jason: What do you think, Ra’s? Great? Tell him it’s great.

Ra’s looked at the drawing, then at Damian, who was nervously avoiding his gaze.

Ra’s: …I do not feel like fighting with you today. Damian, it’s adequate. I will file this away with some other sketches of yours I didn’t hate.

Damian looked from his grandfather to the side, a small smile forming.

Damian: Really? Oh… Thank you, grandfather. I appreciate the kind words.

Jason carefully folded the knife and slid it into his pocket. Damian turned to him, holding out his hand.

Jason: Here ya go.

Jason handed Damian a yellow fruit chew, which the boy ate happily.

Damian (chewing): It’s sour… I like it. Thank you for being here while I showed grandfather my picture.

Jason: No problem, kid.

Ra’s silently covered his eyes, fuming at the sight of candy being given for what he considered an adequate—if uninspired—art piece.

Jason (whispering): That pencil can go up your urethra, don’t test me.

Ra’s pointed to the door.

Ra’s: Get out of my office.

Jason and Damian left, chatting about a show Jason had been watching with Damian. Ra’s groaned, rubbing his forehead, but when he looked at the drawing, a surprisingly decent depiction of a bunny, his usual stern expression softened.

Ra's: Did you start it?

Damian: No, this moron, Levin, did. He's been taunting me with racist insults and I finally gave him the proper punishment.

Ra's: Understandable. Did you win?

Damian: Yes.

Ra's: What did this american pig say to you?

Damian: It started with the usual insults about me being related to traitors of America.

Ra's: Hate this child already, go on.

Damian: Then I told him at least my father hasn't been on the news for hitting an old woman with his car then driving off like his did and that my mother didn't pull the fire alarm at the gym because someone was using a treadmill she acted like she owned. He took offense to that.

Ra's: Bullies can never take it. I should know, I used to be one.

Damian: Mm-hm, yeah so he shoved me and tried to take a swing, I hit him with my lunch bag, then delivered the next few punches. The teachers had to pull me off of him.

Ra's: Good job! But I doubt the school thought so. What punishment did the school give you?

Damian: Two weeks of in-school suspension and a week of regular suspension. The regular suspension is happening now. Father grounded me too.

Ra's (confused): Why?

Damian: Because I got into a fight at school.

Ra's: But... you won, and you're the victim in this situation!

Damian nodded taking a sip from his glass of juice.

Alfred: Master Bruce argued that fighting back in school only makes things worse. His words, not mine.

Ra's: No, no! That is bull!

Damian (letting this play in his favor): Um... yes. Yes it is.

Ra's stood up his mind made up on this.

Ra's: The nerve, I get the school being ludicrous, but not him. I'm taking you to the gaming store you can buy whatever you want.

Damian: Are you messing with me?

Ra's: No. You’re a hero, and you had to defend yourself against a bully. I imagine you dealt with a good chunk of racist insults, by some... American pig no less!

Damian: Hm ... that's right! I deserve a... can you buy me a new Nintendo Switch 2?

Ra's: I don't know what that is, but sure! You’re getting a meal as well, and, Alfred, stay out of this.

Alfred (on his tea break in the same room, siding with Ra's): What are you talking about? I left the room while you two were having this conversation.

Ra's: See that's why I don't fully hate you. Come along Damian.

Damian went along with his grandfather while Alfred took a sip from his tea cup.

Jason (reading): I will not eat them here or there. I will not eat them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am. In the dark? Here in the dark? Would you, could you, in the dark?

Toddler Damian shook his head for the main character.

Jason (reading): I would not, could not, in the dark.

Toddler Damian (clapping for the mc): Yay!

Jason (pausing reading): Dami, I don't want to spoil the ending, but he might eat the eggs and ham.

Toddler Damian: No! No, wat eggs and ham is green? They green. Leave him alone, Sammie! Not okay!

Jason: Dami, you're wearing green.

Toddler Damian (looking at his footie pajamas): Hm... No green eggs and ham!

Toddler Damian giggled as Jason hugged him. Jason continued reading and Damian rooted for the one who didn't want to eat strange colored food.

Talia and Ra's watched from afar. Talia covered her smile, feeling her heart flutter with motherly love. Ra's felt strange with this kindness shown to Damian; a mix of uncomforted, but also finding the moment sweet.

Ra's: I don't trust this Dr. Seuss. I doubt he was a real doctor. Talia stop softening up, I can see it in your eyes.

Talia: I can't help it! Look at my baby.

Bruce: He never told you, did he?

Damian (tilting his head): Told me what?

Bruce: There was a reason it took me so long to find your casket. Damian, he stole your body and was planning to bring you back to life. He's not a perfect man, I honestly hate him, but he couldn't get past losing you. I still wasn’t happy he took your body, though.

Damian sat down next to his father, pulling out his phone to jot down these details.

Damian: Tell me more.

Bruce closed his book, and for the next twenty minutes, he gave an abbreviated version of the chaos and wild goose chase surrounding Damian’s resurrection — how Ras was an obstacle but not outright harmful.

Bruce (concluding): He's always going to be a bad guy, but in that moment, I saw him as an old man who genuinely cared about family. Don't let him know I commend him for that.

Damian: Huh… this new information gives me something to think about. Thank you, Father.

Bruce nodded, returning to his book. Damian’s expression was initially blank, unsure how to react. Then he tapped his chin thoughtfully, stood up, and headed toward the Batcomputer in the Batcave. He sat down and dialed his grandfather’s number on his cell phone.

Ra’s al Ghul: Hello?

Damian (eagerly): Grandpa, you were racked with grief when I died! So much grief to the point you wanted to bring me back to life with the Lazarus Pit and took my body to do so?! You do love me.

Ra’s (embarrassed, shouting): Who told you?!

Damian: Father did. Grandpa, that’s so moribly sweet of you.

Ra's (failing to sound colder then he already is): Bruce clearly embellished the details. I simply felt you didn't deserve to be dead.

Damian: You’ve used the Lazarus Pit before when I was gravely injured, with a scolding afterward, but with this… you actually missed me, didn’t you?

Ra’s let out an embarrassed groan instead of responding. Damian smiled, unable to contain his anger and joy.

Damian: You went off the deep end for me, and so did father. You two are-

Ra's (interrupting): We are not the same!

Damian: Thank you. I was worried you hated me for a moment.

Ra’s: I don’t hate you. You're my grandson and I don’t want you to be soft nor do I want you to not live up to your potential. Dying young would've caused that. That's not love, it’s me wanting the best for my grandson, and that’s all I’ll say.

Damian (teasing): You love me, grandpa.

Ra's growled in anger, but Damian was unafraid, mostly cause he wasn't in the same room with him.

Ra's (sounding like this admission pained him): I wasn't going to let your life be cut short and maybe have missed you being around. There, happy?

Damian: That’s fine by me, Grandpa.

Ra’s: Stop calling me that! Grandfather is what you call me. And when you do call me on this blasted phone, let it be when you need money or want to fight in a tournament. Goodbye!

Damian: Bye. Hope you get me a nice birthday gift this year.

Damian ended the call, kicking his feet with exuberance. He hadn’t noticed his brother Jason had been in the Batcave the whole time. Jason approached, a curious look on his face.

Jason: Who were you talking to that you called “Grandpa”?

Damian: Mine. Ra's Al Ghul. He was grief-stricken when I died and wanted to bring me back. He went so far as to kidnap my dead body and revive me. I’m so happy!

Jason couldn't hide his wry smile but reached out to ruffle Damian's hair. Damian slapped his hand away, smirking.

Jason: That would be the semi-nice thing Ra’s does for you. He still was acting like an asshole during that.

Damian: I’ll take it. Last year, he gave me a gift card to a bookstore for my birthday.

Jason: What’s wrong with that?

Damian: It was for Borders! I couldn't use it cause that franchise closed its doors years ago.

Jason laughed at the mention of the now-defunct bookstore.

Damian: He’s not the best grandfather, and he’s a villain, but he’s not all bad. You know what I mean?

Ra's: I'm not Satan, and I'm certainly not a mere prince!

Duke: The devil is a master of disguise, taking on many forms. Evil walks among us, hiding in plain sight.

Ra's: Okay, that’s hurtful.

Duke kicked Ra's in the shin, causing the man to grunt in pain and crumple to the ground.

Duke: Uh huh, that’s what the magic goop does to you when you keep swimming in it! And that’s for Jason, jerk.

Ra's (weakly): Oh, for what? Teaching him how to be an actual protector of Gotham?

Duke: Of course you’d defend it! Look, if you come near me or my little brother again, I’m going to spritz you with my holy water. I've been wanting to do that for a while. Let's go, guys.

Duke stepped over the fallen man, with Jason and Damian following closely behind. Jason struggled to stifle his laughter.

Damian (turning to his grandfather): Sorry, Grandpa, but you had it coming. I'll talk to Duke though.

Ra's (standing up): This is rare for me, pride in someone else. Sadly, it's being suffocated by my rage at being kicked in the shin!

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Ra's: Ow! He threw a can at me!

Duke: I'm not sorry. I told you to keep you six feet and what you do? Enter my zone?

Ra's: I was trying to talk to my grandso--

Ra's lost his words when another can of bush baked beans him in the nose. Tim stood next to Duke and laughed loudly.

Ra's: Ow! Where do you keep getting cans?!

Duke (holding another can of beans): You'll never find out.

Damian: Duke, that's your last can of beans.

Duke: Shush, bro.

Ra's: Damian, tell him I'm not going to harm you.

Damian: ...He's softened a lot.

Duke: That's how they trick you!

Ra's: Who's they? Grandson, thank you for defending my honor.

Damian: I've grown up with you to know you're a villain, but not a monster.

Ra's: Exactly! Tim, speak up here as well!

Tim smirked.

Tim (lying): About you not harming people? That... that doesn't even sound right. Duke, he requires holy water from a toilet.

Ra's: If he sprays me with toilet water then I will get violent!

Damian: I can't be mad at your response Tim. Good one.

Tim: Thanks.

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Duke: Stay away from him! Don’t come near us, Prince of Darkness. Damian doesn’t want you near him.

Duke sprayed Ra's Al Ghul with a spray bottle filled with water. Ra's wasn’t hurt by the water, but found it irritating to be sprayed in the face like a disobedient cat.

Ra's (eye twitching): I’m not a cat, and he’s my grandson! Damian, get—Stop spraying me!

Duke (continuing to spray): Unfortunately, you’re related, but he doesn’t want you near him if you can’t keep your promise about no ninjas.

Duke lowered the spray bottle as Ra's took a step back.

Damian (keeping a safe distance): Thanks, Duke. He wants me to enter some weird tournament, and I’m really not in the right headspace to almost die.

Duke: No problem. How did you handle beelzebub as a little kid?

Damian (shrugging): He’s not completely evil; sometimes he’d give me hard candies for winning fights.

Duke nodded, quickly spraying Ra's again when the man made a move toward him.

Duke: Back up, dude! I ain't playing. I have powers, I can vanish in this lair of yours and beat you up!

Ra's (squinting his eyes enraged): You are an exhausting child.

Ra's stormed off, grumbling under his breath. Damian picked up the spray bottle, confused.

Duke: It's just regular water, but I pretend it’s holy water.

Damian (impressed): You know, you haven't quite reached our level of strangeness, but I admire how odd you can be.

Cass (not aware of what is about to happen): No, she’s my mom.

Shiva (indifferent): I wasted hours birthing you, at least.

Duke: Wow... your momma is foine!

Cass (flatly): What?

Duke cleared his throat, taking a cautious step back then he began speaking.

Duke: Lady Shiva, respectfully, you are a radiant beauty, a baddie in both ways.

Lady Shiva looked over her shoulder surprised to be receiving these compliments.

Duke: I know you’re a tough assassin, and I don’t want to get on your bad side, but I just wanted to give you a compliment. You’re stunning, and I can’t believe you’re close to Bruce’s age.

Shiva: Is there somebody behind me? Who is he saying this to?

Duke: You madam. Lady Shiva, was it? Fantastic name for a bombshell.

Cass looked at her mom, worried at first, but Shiva's steeled expression softened into a half-smile as she nodded, appreciating the compliment. Cass shook her head terrified.

Shiva: I will allow these compliments. I usually hate most, if not all, men, but you seem quite charming.

Cass gulped.

Duke (with a prideful grin): You know I keep it real, especially since you're a straight ten out of ten—

Cass (confused and embarrassed): Could you stop talking to my mom like that? She's a villain and… my not attractive! Shiva, tell him you're ugly.

Shiva: I don't lie.

Cass: Damn it, mother.

Shiva: What? He's being sincere. This is the most tolerable I’ve been with people, so he’s winning me over. You both should be lucky I'm in a good mood tonight.

Duke: Thank you, Lady Shiva. On a scale of one to ten on beauty, you are a twenty.

Shiva: That is a factual statement.

Cass (whispering): Please stop.

Lady Shiva: "Signal" is quite an interesting name. I’ve heard bits and pieces about you through the villain circuit, and I have to say you’re making me hate you less.

Cass (dissociating for a second): It’s because he’s calling you hot... Let this end.

Duke: I’m sorry, Cass. I see a pretty woman, I give her compliments when needed. And with a baddie villain like her, I’d rather that than have her get all stabby with me later.

Cass: I will make your next injury look like an incident. Don't try me.

Lady Shiva: Baddie? You keep using that word. Huh, I’m assuming that’s another kind word about my beauty? Thank you. This body of mine is all natural so I am glad to hear that the work has paid off.

Duke (snapping his fingers): Yeah, get girl. Or madam.

Shiva: You god damn right.

Cass (exasperated): So Damian wasn't remotely exaggerating that this is that painful to witness. I owe him an apology.

Duke (unfazed): I know I’m embarrassing your daughter.

Shiva: I respect you for that.

Duke: Much appreciated, I've had practice. Now even though I’m partially terrified you’ll stab me if I let my true thoughts out, I’ve got one more piece of praise for you. Villainous or not, you got the beauty of a martial artist and actress. You do your own stunts, and if you get mugged in real life, you’d beat their ass or merc them.

Cass’s masked eyes widened as she sweated nervously, trying not to scream while Shiva nodded in agreement.

Shiva: I did always want to act. I like him. The signal, I might actually consider not killing you if I ever go after Batman. Keep him around, Cassandra.

Cass (facepalming): I— I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m both uncomfortable and enraged.

Damian (on the comms): Welcome to the club.

Talia glared at the young sidekick. He smiled sweetly and then raised his index finger.

Robin!Dick (calm tone): …No.

Batman: You heard me. I’m going to say it again for emphasis — Robin.

Robin!Dick (singing): No!

Robin chuckled with a sinister smile as his father patted him on the head.

Talia (glaring at the child): Does this spoiled brat have to be here?

Batman: Yes. He’s giving you my usual answer. Thank you, Robin.

Robin smiled and nodded. He stuck his tongue out at Talia; she glared at him, clearly wanting to strike him. Batman noticed her anger and gently shooed her away.

Batman: You can go now. You got your answer.

Talia stormed off, shouting that she’d get rid of Robin without killing him.

-----------------------------

Many years later…

Robin!Dick (12 years old): Batman, why is it that when you visit Talia, you come back with odd scratches and your wrists look like someone tied you up?

Batman (drinking coffee): You’ll understand when you’re older.

Robin!Dick: Are you fighting her?

Batman: That’s… the best word choice here.

Robin!Dick: Oh, I totally get that, especially with someone as yucky as Talia. Who wins?

Batman: Oh, Robin… I win every time.

Robin nodded, completely unaware that his father was referring to sex.

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Talia: My father is the greatest, bravest, most intelligent man, and you will not insult him!

Robin!Dick (13): The man has the charisma of a Taco Bell buffet. All you get is diarrhea!

Talia: You wanna go, kid? I’ll hit a teenager; I don’t give a fuck!

Batman (threatening monotone): Touch him, and I’ll beat you and your father.

Talia (whining, pointing at the teenager): He started it!

Robin!Dick: I’m just an innocent teen speaking my truth.

Batman: He hasn’t said anything wrong.

Ra’s walked over, having overheard the conversation.

Talia: Father, he called you a Taco Bell buffet!

Ra’s: Yes. Clever insult, child.

Talia growled in anger and stormed off, dragging her father out by the arm.

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When Dick found out what Bruce meant by “fighting” Talia, after his own sexual experiences with women like Starfire and Batgirl…

Dick rested in bed with Kori, sighing happily, slightly sore but in a good way.

Dick: Oh my God… That’s what he meant by fighting her. Ew.

Kori: What’s wrong?

Dick: It just clicked... my dad was definitely having sex with Talia during those visits.

Kori: Oh, sweet Zol. You had that moment? It passes, trust me, I’ve been there.

Dick sighed, covering his eyes.

Kori: French toast for breakfast?

Dick: That sounds fantastic. Also, Talia sucks.

Kori (joking): In more ways than one.

-----------------------------

Many more years later when Nightwing and his dad weren't on good terms…

Talia: It took some time, but it seems Bruce will be mine.

Nightwing chuckled dryly at first, then burst into a cackle, pointing at Talia as if she were a clown.

Talia: What do you find amusing?

Nightwing: Oh nothing big just… you think he wants to be with you? Oh, Tali, you’re just the rebound, booty call, who he calls when he needs bail money, you're there until something better comes along. Let me guess, shot in the dark, you answered the phone when he called all depressed?

Talia: That’s not— He's always depressed!

Nightwing: You’re nothing special. Just a chronic booty call. My dad will never settle for you. That’s a fact.

Talia: You know nothing about our love!

Nightwing: Honey, he told me about the annulment. He’s not happy, but he’ll recover and find someone better. While you’re stuck alone. I don’t know when he’ll finally realize he needs to be with Selina, but he will never, ever, ever, get back together with you.

Talia (shouting): WANT TO BET?

Nightwing: I don’t need to bet. I’ll say what I’ve said before, those wrinkles will show before Batman ever settles down with you. Nobody wants to be with a gorgon like you. Bye now.

Nightwing left the palace room with his Robin, Tim, the young hero laughing at his brother’s words.

Ra’s: You need some aloe vera for that burn, sweetheart?

Talia: NOT NOW, FATHER!

Robin!Tim: I thought Deathstroke was your enemy, but Talia seems to top that.

Nightwing: Pretty much. I’ll tell you more about how awful she is later.

Talia: I heard that, and you will do no such thing!

Talia crossed her arms, furious at first, until she remembered the plus sign on the test she took earlier that week. A smirk formed on her face as she placed a hand on her stomach.

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Before Bruce discovered he had a son…

Dick: Hi.

Damian: Hello. I’m Damian. What’s your name?

Dick: People call me Nightwing.

Damian: Hm… interesting. You wear blue and black in a unitard. Does that help with fighting?

Dick: It does.

Damian: That's a smart choice then, I'm not a fan of the suit, but whatever helps you defeat your enemies easily is good.

Dick: Exactly. Thank you. He’s so cute. What are you doing here little man?

Damian: I live here with my mother and grandfather.

Talia stepped closer to her son with a malicious smirk.

Talia: Yes, he does! Go ahead, guess who his mother is?

Dick: Is she here?

Jason chuckled, pointing at Talia. He pretended not to be aware. Damian looked around, confused. Talia placed her hands on her hips with a proud smile.

Dick: She’s his… adopted mother?

Jason: Nah, I don’t think she kidnapped him... I think... That’s her son.

Talia’s smirk stayed, silently confirming the statement.

Dick: …Jason, stop messing with me. Where’s this kid’s real mother?

Talia: She’s standing in front of you, because she’s me!

Dick (in denial): No.

Talia: Yes!

Dick (pause then shaking his head chuckling): ...Nuh-uh.

Jason (whispering so Dick can't hear him): I had the same reaction.

Talia (keeping Damian close to her): He is mine.

Dick: Did you kidnap someone’s child?

Damian (worriedly): Kid—kidnapped?

Ra's: If only, then he wouldn't be related to us through... him.

Talia ignored her father and patted Damian's head.

Talia: Don’t worry, Habibi. You’re mine, I had you. You were birthed from me. You hear that, Dick? He’s mine! I pushed him out of my body! I spent hours in a room with a midwife to grace the world with my seed. Father can confirm it!

Ra’s (flatly): I can confirm they’re biologically related.

Jason (playing dumb): OMG, I think she’s telling the truth. Crazy, right? I am flabbergasted. Pearls clutched! Whaaat? I have to take a walk around for a bit. I'm going to be thinking about this.

Jason quickly walked off, quietly chuckling because he knew the truth. Dick, unaware Jason had already been aware of Damian's existence, was still doubtful if this was all true. Until he looked at the kid, noticing some of her softer features.

Dick: No, no, no, no, a thousand noes.

Talia: This child is mine! I pushed him out of my vagina. He nearly tore that spot! That’s how real he is! Dick, behold my son!

Damian (unaware): Mother, why do you keep calling him that?

Ra’s: His real name is Dick. The cat’s out of the bag already might as well name drop him.

Damian: Seriously?

Ra’s: Yes. Remember the names I told you that don't make sense to give a person. Yeah, his name is Dick, short for the name Richard. It a thing to call men named Richard... that.

Damian (genuinely curious): Why did your parents name you that? That's the alterative word for a phallic symbol. Did they not like you?

Dick: I am not having this conversation! Talia... Talia, what poor sap did you trick into lying in the snake pit with you and procreating?

Talia: Oh, Himar. Don’t you see it yet? Look at my child closely and you’ll see who he resembles. Hint: I was married to him, and he took you in, circus kid.

Dick looked closely at Damian, and it clicked instantly, yet he refused to accept the truth.

Dick (repeating himself): He... He... there’s no way. No way. No way in hell... He would never... He couldn't possibly...

Dick gulped seeing the resting angry face clearer.

Dick (voice dry, not computing this): Why does he look like a tan version of him the more I look at him?

Talia’s smirk grew more malicious as she gave Damian an awkward hug.

Damian: You know my father? Mother says he really likes bats.

Dick (trembling): Oh, sweet Jesus… no.

Talia picked up the heavy eight-year-old and brought him closer to Dick’s face.

Talia: He’s not only my child but the sole heir of Bruce Wayne! DNA tests proved it! The true son! Look at him, behold the son of I and Bruce, Damian Wayne Al Ghul!

Damian slowly frog blinked in response, the yelling hurting his ear as he stared at his new brother.

Damian (waving): Hi. Again. Mother, you’re yelling in my ear.

Talia: Sorry, son. Nightwing, Dick, circus freak, how does that feel? You were wrong! I told you I’d bear him a child, and here he is! I win; you lose! I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRANK IT UP!

Dick gasped, hand on his chest.

Dick: You just quoted There Will Be Blood to me?

Talia: Yes, cuz I win! You lose! Suck it!

Damian: I’m confused and scared.

Talia lowered Damian back to the ground, he looked at both people, debating if he should fight someone or run.

Ra’s: We all are. Your mother is almost done. As much as I want to say this child isn’t a Wayne, he is. Sorry, kid.

Talia: Do not apologize to the tight rope walker. He’s finally been shown proof that I was right, and I won!

Ra’s: Having his seed doesn’t mean you’ve won this strange rivalry with his eldest Robin. I’ve told you this for years.

Talia: I will never accept that point and it will stand forevermore that I win!

Ra’s sighed, shaking his head. Dick blinked for a few seconds, then suddenly excused himself, walking a few feet away and dropping to his knees, screaming.

Dick: God, why?! Why did an innocent child have to be born from a crazy woman?!

Talia: See that father? I caused that. Me and my vagina.

Ra’s (glancing at his daughter, knowing the answer): Are you happy with his reaction? Is that enough for you my daughter?

Talia nodded with a wide grin and tears in her eyes. She genuinely felt triumphant, but in reality, she hadn’t truly won. Yes, the sex was consensual, and she had an adorable son, but she wasn’t a victor.

Ra’s pulled out a fancy cigarette for a smoke break.

Ra’s: I’m going to smoke. Let me know when the Batman arrives, I want to see his reaction.

Talia: Oh, okay. Make sure to bring a camera. That reminds me!

Talia pulled out her phone and started recording Dick, who was shocked and trying to figure out what had happened and how he could stop it. Damian went over to him, watching him freak out.

Damian: You seem upset.

Dick: I am, but it’s not your fault. How old are you?

Damian: Eight. My birthday was a few months ago.

Dick: Oh my God, you’re eight! Bruce is going to drop like a sack of potatoes… I kind of want that. Now I’m conflicted.

Talia: Yes, yes, but see Dickwad, see what our DNA made. You’ll never have that.

Dick flipped her off and looked at Damian.

Dick: Don’t do this to people.

Damian (thinking to himself, not speaking): Bru bru Jason has said something similar. Tiny world.