Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

Red Robin: As a mercenary.

Red Hood: That’s a lucrative side gig. She has four jobs, and none of them are stripping! Yeah, I overheard your conversation with Impulse. You’re just jealous of my love life.

Red Robin: She only dates you for your muscle.

Red Hood: You can't say the same thing. Pete Davidson has more muscle.

Red Robin chuckled at the insult preparing another insult, but the carjacking goon they stopped poorly decided to interject.

A random goon (interrupting): His skin is pasty too.

Red Hood: Who the fuck are you talking to?

Goon (stammering): W- What?

Red Hood: His skin issue isn’t your damn business! He takes care of himself. What’s your excuse?

Goon: But you were just joking about how he forgot some keys. That’s dumb on his part.

Red Hood: You don’t insult him! He forgot his keys, it can happen to anybody. We saw you trying to jump-start a Tesla, you fucking moron.

Red Robin (piling on, arms crossed): You couldn’t even break the window of the car. Tesla windows are terrible. You only got lucky cause the door was unlocked.

Goon (defensive): I’m new to this! Geez! You guys are mean.

Red Hood: And you’re an idiot. Now sit down. I’m taking you in in a minute. Don’t talk again!

The goon pouted, walking away and sitting on the floor, upset.

Red Robin: Thank you.

Red Hood: No problem. Only I can insult your acne issue. Robin already brought up your red nose.

Red Robin: I get a few pimples every few months. I can’t control that. Asshole.

Signal: Ho, what?! I am vibing!

Batman: It’s not—That’s the last time you’re going to call me a ho.

Jim chuckled, covering his mouth and nearly dropping his cigarette. Batman glanced at his friend, until he realized Jim was laughing. He wasn’t aware of the conversation, but hearing Batman say “ho” was enough to send Jim into hysterics.

Batman: All right, it’s not that funny.

Jim: Yes, it is. Context or not, he called you that, and you said the word.

Batman: See what you’ve done, Signal? You embarrassed me in front of the commissioner.

Signal (proud): A’ight. That’s gucci.

Batman: I told you, I have no idea what that means. I’m not hip on that kind of slang!

Nightwing (interjecting): Hey, Adam West, he’s basically happy he embarrassed you.

Batman: Thank you, Night—Adam West?! I am not that old, and he’s a legend!

Red Hood: Your old ass would say that.

Batman clicked off his comm as the bat kids could be heard laughing at him.

Batman (irked): Why did I decide to work with people?!

Jim: You never asked him—

Batman (frustrated): Yes, I know! I couldn’t really ask him since he was singing!

Jim (laughing): Oh God, that’s even better!

Selina applied her lip stick then checked her teeth in her compact mirror.

Selina: Better late than ugly.

Bruce: Appearing ugly isn't possible for you.

Selina: Aww, pookie. The flattery is appreciated but trust me, it took me a decade and a half to look this good. Now, how do I look?

Before Bruce answered, Alfred covered his mouth and spoke up.

Alfred: Absolutely stunning. No notes.

Selina turned to the side, kicking her foot up lightly and posed. Smiling, she could t hide her prideful smile.

Selina (poised): That's what I wanted to hear. Thank you Alfred. I'll be in the car.

Selina headed to the car, as she walked her feet practically glided in her heels. Bruce shot Alfred an exasperated expression, his eyebrow raised.

Alfred (removing his hand): No thanks needed, Bruce.

Bruce: I'm never living down that "You look fine" comment?

Alfred: You should've known better at the time. Don't fumble this night.

Bruce: Stop using slang.

Alfred: I'm better with it than you. Have a fantastic night, sir.

Bruce, resting his head on the table, was busy dissociating. Barbara slammed her fist on the table to get him to snap back to reality. Bruce shot up, dazed.

Bruce: Huh? What?

Barbara: Your son asked me if I wear diapers!

Bruce: ...Don't you?

Barbara: You know I don't!

Bruce: Oh, right, right. Damian, why did you ask her that?

Damian: For research purpose! Yes.

Bruce: Fair enough. Barbara, answer his question and I'll pay you.

Barbara: You're lucky I'm not traumatized enough to not talk about this. Zelle me the money after I answer. Damian, my bladder and stuff down there still works, I just require accommodations and a specific bathroom.

Damian: No diapers? What about a catheter? Was that ever used?

Barbara groaned, her head resting on the table. Bruce quietly chuckled while sending Barbara the appropriate amount of money for handling a kid's random questions.

Barbara: The fact I'm not sure if Dick, Jason, Tim or Stephanie put this in your head and that led to you asking me this disappoints me more than angers me and I can't get mad at you. Stupid, cute face.

Damian hummed in agreement taking a long sip from his coffee cup.

Damian: I'll let that comment slide for now. I was curious about your rehabilitation is all. So... no diapers?

Barbara: Not as an adult!

Damian: Dick told me-

Barbara: I knew it! Bruce, ground him!

Bruce (texting): Yeah, I'll get on that. Damian, stop asking inappropriate questions.

Damian: I'm a curious young man. It's my right to learn about things. Especially if I want to be Batman someday.

Barbara: No DNA test needed for you.

Robin grinned, elated that his grandfather’s trickery had worked in his favor. He slyly side-stepped away unnoticed. Slade stammered, flabbergasted at what just went wrong for him. Damian hurried over to Lian and Jon, smugly smirking.

Robin: You’re about to witness greatness.

Lian rolled her eyes.

Slade (losing it with rage): Fucking wordplay?! You tricked me with a fucking technicality? Seriously?

Ra’s: Mm, it worked, didn’t it? I’m a villain, cyclops. It’s kind of our thing to trick our enemies. You’re nothing if not predictable.

Slade shook with fury, reaching for the hilt of his gun.

Slade (shouting): OH FUCK YOU!

Ra’s stepped in front of Slade, his cane sword stuck in the ground as he leaned on it, a confident smile on his face—powerful, ready to fight the next beast. His imposing figure dwarfed whatever intimidation Slade thought he had. Slade sputtered, stepping back, cursing in rage.

Batman leaned toward Wonder Woman.

Batman: Is this real, or am I hallucinating?

Wonder Woman: This is real and we are here to witness it. Where's the popcorn?

Batman: Alfred couldn't come for this.

Slade (false bravado): You— You think you’re real cute?

Ra’s (calmly): Bitch, I’m adorable. And I’m smarter than you. I only needed to resort to childish tricks to deceive you. You’re familiar with playing with children, aren’t you?

Slade (shouting): Fuck you! It doesn’t matter if the deal’s off. I’ll just beat your ass into submission.

Ra’s: You’d be an expert on that. The difference is, I’m not a teenage girl. Don’t sell yourself short, though. You’re the most powerful nonce. Good for you.

Robin (shaking Lian!Cheshire): He’s using sass! He learned that from me.

Lian: Yeah, I heard him. Chill.

Slade (offended): I’m not a nonce!

Lex (switching teams): Yes, you are!

Slade (whining): You’re supposed to be on my side!

Lex: Yeah, but Ra’s is more tolerable than you.

Black Manta: And scarier without coming off like Jimmy Savile.

Sinestro: And you smell weird!

Lex: He does! It’s so bad, like a skunk sprayed him.

Cheetah: His face is weird, too.

Slade: We don’t need any more chatter from you idiots! Fuck all of you! Fuck you, Ra’s, and fuck that stupid, useless r*tard grandson and whore daughter of yours!

Just like that, the area fell silent, except for Batman clapping and laughing. He knew what was about to happen next.

Rose: Dumbass!

Slade: Tulip, why?

Rose: Not my name. Don't worry though, I'm going to record this for my enjoyment.

Rose pulled out her cell phone, ready to record the fight. Jason placed his hand on her hip happy for his girlfriend.

Ra’s: I’ve lived through more wars than peace treaties. I’ve seen women burned at the stake, men stoned for disobeying a king. And now, I can be the one to sever the arteries of Slade Wilson.

Slade: Not after I cut your body into pieces and send them in separate boxes!

Ra’s: Save it for the dream journal. I’d leave you to the not-really-Teen Titans you enjoy spying on, but your smug face just flipped that switch in my head.

Ra’s unsheathed his sword, aiming it at Slade’s gun holster, dislodging it, tossing it into the air, then catching it himself.

Ra’s: No easy outs either.

Slade: Fuck it. This fight with you will be sending a message, that no one will ever be on top before me! Want to fight me for calling your grandson the autistic failure he is, or that your daughter’s a cunt? Come at me! I will win!

Rose: Hey dad, interjecting one last time to inform you after those well thought out words, he won't kill you. And that's not a good thing. You proceed to get your ass beat now.

Hawkgirl (sitting in a chair): I got fifty that Slade will last ten minutes.

Hawkman (sitting in a different chair): Fifteen for me.

Lex: I got a thousand for seven minutes.

Slade: Stop wagering! No more talk, just the beautiful battle of sword against sword.

Slade grunted, hearing the people laughing at his unintended innuendo.

Nightwing (returning with popcorn): Don’t start yet! Until I get a good view. Popcorn?

Wonder Woman: I’ll take a handful.

Robin: Grandfather! Wait! Wait!

Ra’s: Yes?

Robin: Go for his good eye!

Roy: No. I have a guess who you called. First, did you watch Lepus Madness? Lian, that is a horror movie. You're barred from subjecting your friends to them after the sleepover incident!

Lian (missing the point): Lepus Madness is rated PG. The babysitter was nearby while we watched the movie. And again, it’s not my fault those girls can’t handle a movie about a family in a haunted house.

Roy: You showed them Poltergeist!

Lian (indifferent): A bunch of lightweights.

Roy: You’re going to stick to that defense?

Lian: Yes. It’s done me wonders.

Roy: I would too. Anyway, why this bet?

Lian: Damian started it! He said smaller rabbits can win no matter what and I argued, heck no big rabbits can.

Roy: Makes sense that a bat kid thought this first. You can’t train bunnies to be threats. They’re literally too cute to be threatening.

Lian: Not bunnies. Rabbits. If Watership Down taught me anything, it’s that yes, they can be.

Roy’s eyes widened in shock that she knew that movie. Lian smiled sweetly.

Lian: Uncle Con showed me that one. Anyway, I put bragging rights on the line, and the winner gets to pick what we do for fun afterward. I want to go to that new FNAF-inspired arcade, so are you going to help me or not?

Roy (trying not to sound proud): Why are you like this?

Lian (nonchalantly): Daddy… Don't play. Grandpa told me how wild you were at my age. It’s basically in my DNA.

Roy sighed, smiling reluctantly.

Roy: Yeah, before the dark days, I was a cool kid.

Lian: I didn’t say all that.

Roy: I’m going to pretend you did. If this is to one-up a Bat-kid, then I’ll help. But you have to stop showing them horror movies. Clark is still mad at me after you showed Jon that Winnie the Pooh horror spoof.

Lian: It’s not my fault he can’t handle cheesy gore. That movie was barely scary, like I laughed.

Roy: You really are my daughter. Last question, who did you call to get five giant rabbits?

Lian: Flemish Giant rabbits. Grandma supplied me with five, but the toothpicks are basically their blades. Damian’s using a different breed, but he’s totally going to lose. And before you ask, Jon is fine. He loved the movie. The effects were supes cheesy he barely got scared or scarred. I promised to show—

Roy: Stop promising horror movies!

Lian blinked, her cute, round face showing she had about five scary movies of varying quality and ratings ready.

Roy: Make sure they’re not rated R next time, you little sneak.

Lian: That I can do.

--------------------------

Meanwhile, with Damian and his rabbit army:

Tim: You’re going to lose, dude.

Dick: You saved Christmas! Yes! That's permanent nice list accomplishment right there.

Superboy Prime scoffed while stirring his eggnog. Yeah, Santa was hesitant to move him to the nice list after SP shot at Santa's sleigh when he was a teenager.

Damian: You told an exciting and true happy story. Good job.

Jon: Thanks.

Tim (worried): You're positive that was an imposter? I'm serious about asking this.

Connor: He was. The real one was tied up and stuffed inside a chimney like cell. He gave us gifts for saving him.

Tim sighed relieved.

Kara: I finally got my Barbie doll styled to look like me! In your face, Dick!

Dick: Whatever.

Superman: Prime, why were obsessed with killing fake Santa?

Superboy Prime: The fat bastard refused to remove me from the naughty list over my past. A boy shoots down one sleigh and he's enemy number one. This was the closet I got to killing him. I'm not a monster though. I won't kill the real dingus.

Batman: That Santa is such a jerk, isn't he?

Superman: Batman, for the last time, you have to get past him not reviving your parents! It's against the laws of the dead.

Batman: Bull shit!

Kara: We definitely caused some property damage to the city we were in.

Superboy Prime: We can deal with that tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow! Yes! Boxing day!

Superboy prime punched Dick in the arm making the man drop his cup of eggnog.

Dick: Ow! My nog!

Jason (laughing): Sorry bro, but that was funny. This guy is the best. Superman, what are you doing wrong? Like in life and in general?

Superboy Prime: I think he was dropped on his head.

Kara: Numerous times. He cried a lot too.

Superman: When I was an infant? Yeah, I imagine I did.

Superboy: Dad. I get what you meant but that's not a flex.

Connor: You softer than puppy toes compared to auntie Kara.

Kara: See he's a youngling and he gets it.

Baby (Toddler but it's the same diff) Damian (singing while stacking blocks): A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H- Um... Um...

Ra's: I, J, K, L- Damn it! I lost track.

Baby Damian (happy): Ah! I, J, K, L! Thank you, grandfather.

Ra's: You're welcome grandson. I have to start counting again. Eh, I don't mind.

Talia: Father, you were at 130! 130! That is the number you stopped at. Just-

Ra's: I won't sleep at night until this is done. Time to start over.

Ra's proceeded to dump the change from the jar onto the table and started recounting the change for the third time. Talia covered her mouth, letting out a muffled scream.

Baby Damian waddled over to Ra's and silently watched him count the coins.

Ra's: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5- Why is he staring at me?

Talia: I have no idea. He likes to watch people.

Ra's: Hm... Okay then. Grandson, want to see coins put into paper rolls?

Baby Damian (staring at the pennies): Hm, hm... Yes.

Talia: Father, train him to be a killer, not boring.

Ra's: There's fun in what I do. What number did I stop at?

Baby Damian (holding up his open hand): Five.

Ra's: Ah, yes. Thank you, grandson.

Talia: You two have fun with counting spare change, I'll be at the business convention with men who think smacking my bottom is flirting.

Ra's: Don't forget the purple katana— Oh grandson, this penny is from the land Ar-kansas. That is a mythical land in America.

Baby Damian (actually amazed): Wooow!