Batfamily Adventures - Mini fics

As Jason followed his brother, Dick slipped away to join them, leaving Batman to analyze the weapon left behind by the perp.

Dick: I want the Spongebob pop with the gumball eyes!

The ice cream truck driver noticed the four heroes racing after his truck and perked up, stopping abruptly.

Driver: And my mom said ice cream delivery trucks in Gotham were dead!

As the Batboys rushed to buy their treats, Batman realized everyone but Cass was missing. He spotted her standing aside, waving, her mask-covered face hiding a smile.

Batman sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exhaustion.

Batman: Alright, guess we can take a break. Come on, Orphan; I'll buy you a strawberry cone.

Robin (suspicious): Oh, that’s cool. You definitely don’t sound like you’re hiding something. Good thing we didn't activate our comms before I meet this person who may or may not be a woman. Are they an assassin like you?

Red Hood: Yep.

Robin: Are they a man or woman?

Red Hood: On a form that asks for their gender, they'd check the, um... female box.

Robin (squinting his eyes): Hm...

Red Hood laughed nervously, looking away from his brother.

Robin: Do they have any connections to a villain we’ve dealt with?

Red Hood: Yeah, they come from an evil family, her dad sucks and you never met her dad or her… it’s not a big deal, really. Stop asking questions.

Robin: Hm… Okay! Granola bar?

Robin held up a wrapped granola bar in front of his brother. Hood snatched the snack, averting eye contact with his brother.

Five minutes later, Ravager arrived, and within seconds, Damian figured out their relationship. Red Hood let out an audible gulp when he spotted Ravager's suit hugging her body, and Ravager smirked flirtatiously back at him.

Robin: Oh, I see! Wow, this is quite the development. How long have you two been together?

Ravager: Six months, but I like to think spiritually we've been together for years.

Robin: Hm, you are attractive and from what I've heard a trained fighter and killer. This makes sense for my brother to be with you.

Ravager: Thank you, it took those few years to make him realize that.

Robin: He's bad with romance, so that makes sense.

Red Hood: You’ve got to be kidding me. And shut up Robin!

Robin: Interesting pairing, I was rooting for you and Artemis, but he fumbled with her.

Red Hood: It was a mutual break up. Not that I'm saying that will happen with you Rose- I mean Ravager- I mean... I'm thankful the comms are off and my other family members can't hear this.

Ravager: Yeah, it gives us time to have some real fun. Remember when we teamed up to stop that drug bust and while we waited at the safe house, bored and no one could hear us talking we spent hours having hot, sweaty-

Red Hood (covering his girlfriend's mouth): That's enough from you. My baby brother is in front of us.

Robin: Hey, I am turning thirteen soon. Make sure this lasts compared to Artemis. You concern me you'll live a lonely life.

Red Hood: I will slap you.

Ravager (moving Jason's hand away): He's messing with you. Be lucky yours isn't dead or mute.

Robin: How is Jericho?

Ravager: He's doing better. He started selling custom made shirts on etsy.

Robin: Neat. I'm glad you're with another insane, strong woman Red Hood.

Ravager: Thanks, kid. That means a lot honestly.

Red Hood: Could you at least try to pretend that we hate each other?

Ravager (giggling): Not with that cute face and perfect thighs.

Ravager slapped her boyfriend's backside making him jolt slightly. His blush-helmet covered face hid his flustered smile.

Robin (teasing): Aww, old love.

Ravager: I think we can trust the kid to keep our little secret. Who's he’s going to tell?

Robin: Yes, who am I going to possibly tell? I have a few options that are, much to my shock, unaware of this pairing.

Red Hood: Right, we can talk about this later.

Robin nodded, prepared to make the man write his next three essays for school.

Robin: Let's start the mission, shall we? Ravager, do you actually wear an eye patch, or is it because of who your father is?

Ravager: The first one, but my father is the reason I have to wear it.

Robin: They have glasses for that too; I can show you some later.

Ravager: Aww, cool. Let’s walk together.

Robin nodded, happily walking off with Ravager while Red Hood trailed behind, frustrated that the one person he didn’t want to know about his secret relationship was now aware of it, especially since Damian always wanted something when keeping secrets.

Red Hood: Him, Roy, Artemis, Harley, Bizarro and Cass... God, you owe me this much. Do not let this get back to my dad.

Ravager: Stud, quit standing there. Walk them nice thighs over here.

Red Hood (going over): I appreciate the compliments, but not in front of the baby.

Bruce (blushing): I am begging both of you to stop this now.

The Justice League members enjoyed the spectacle while Bruce blushed, covering his face. Jason and Tim started singing and dancing together while Stephanie pulled out her phone to play the background music from the musical.

Jason & Tim (singing together): Deep in the night the fight lasts for hours. You can be hurt or you can beat her. Wouldn't you like to have some of the magic?

Bruce: The punishment you will recieve if you utter one more line will make prisoners pity you!

Jason and Tim paused for a second, but they both already knew he was only going to scold them, at most. There was no grounding to worry about, and he wasn't some old-school parent from the '50s. He wasn't going to hit them.

Jason & Tim (starting back up singing): Wouldn't you like your outcome preferred? Deep in the night the fight can be tragic. I'll help you conquer her!

Bruce (covering his head as he holds it down): He's into musicals, and Tim is acting like an idiot!

Stephanie: You said my trigger word!

Stephanie slid over continuing the next part of the song.

Stephanie: Here in the root of this flower there lies such a power to take her on. You must consume and digest it. Then you'll manifest a being of your creation all you need's imagination. Though it's only for a moment till you've beaten your opponent.

Bruce: This is one of the many reasons I don't want you dating my daughter or son!

Stephanie placed her hand on Bruce's face and shoved him away continuing the lyrics.

Stephanie: And I call this root, "Holy Moly!"

Jason: Ah!

Stephanie laughed gleefully.

Jason, Tim and Stephanie (all together, singing in unison): Wouldn't you like a taste of the power? Wouldn't you like to use more than words Deep in the night the fight lasts for hours.

Bruce: Hal, stop dancing!

Hal (while moon walking): Nope. It bothers you and I love this song.

Bruce: I don't understand the hype with this- Damian you too?!

Damian (dancing along with Hal): Father, I can't help it. This is a good song from an equally fantastic musical. My feet can't be held back.

Bruce: Dick, be the voice of reason-

Dick slid across the floor providing the last set of background singing.

Dick (singing while dancing): Ohhhhh!

Jason, Tim and Stephanie (singing): You can be hurt or you can beat her. Wouldn't you like to have some of the magic?

Bruce (confused as his kids dance and sing): Did I do something to warrant this embarrassment?

Bruce: You are all unserious!

Jason, Tim, Dick and Stephanie (singing): Wouldn't you like your outcome preferred? Deep in the night, the fight can be tragic. I'll help you conquer her!

Diana (covering Bruce's mouth): Shush! Sing the next song after that. That's my favorite.

Dick ran towards his friend and they hugged each other, dramatically crying.

Stephanie (clasping her hands): Awww!

Bruce: They literally spent time together two Mondays ago!

Stephanie: If you're anti social, just say that.

Bruce: Rude. True, but rude.

Barry casually walked over to Bruce while eating a bag of sunflower seeds.

Barry: I bet you wish that was you and Clark.

Bruce: Stop saying that!

Stephanie: If it ticks you off then is he really wrong for speaking his truth?

Barry: You're a smart lady, you know that?

Stephanie: Thank ya! Right back at you. Seriously, I've read up on you and you're like really smart and pretty.

Barry: Oh thank you.

Stephanie: So you agree? You think you're really smart and pretty?

Barry: You quoted Mean Girls? Bruce, why did you fire her?

Bruce left, refusing to respond. Stephanie smirked that Barry was on her side.

Meanwhile with Damian witnessing the display, Jon walked over to Damian, his arms open waiting for his hug.

Damian sighed.

Damian: Get it over with.

Jon: There we go best buddy.

Damian: That's his blood.

Talia (surprised): Really?

Damian: I punched him in the nose, and in the melee, his blood stained my shirt.

Talia: Damn, my baby boy's a scraper! I'm proud you drew the first blood. That is what happened, right?

Damian: Yeah, he tried to, but I was able to dodge his punches after he shoved me.

Before Talia could praise this, Bruce spoke up.

Bruce: Talia, if you're going to be here, don't condone what he did.

Talia: Oh, of course. I don’t want to offend the pacifist in the room.

Talia gave her ex-husband a knowing glance.

Bruce: Mine is not the same situation. He shouldn't be getting into fights at a private school.

Damian: But Baba, he started it!

Bruce: Calling me Baba won’t change my mind… this time.

Damian: …Mama, I am the victim!

Talia (hugging her son): I know, habibi.

Bruce: Talia!

Talia: Hey, he’s the victim. It was confirmed that the pig antagonized my son! I can already see it now, little Dami was with his friends—

Tim: Damian has friends?

Damian: Piss off!

Talia: As I was saying, he was with his real friends, enjoying library time, reading silently, when that American dog teased and taunted him for no reason. Damian, you defended yourself.

Bruce: He hit him with his lunchbox!

Alfred (while enjoying tea): To be fair, that was after the child shoved him numerous times.

Bruce: You're not helping.

Alfred: I'm not helping you.

Tim: I’m kind of on Talia’s side. The kid fucked around and found out.

Jason: And you're acting like the brat died. at most he had a bruised ego.

Bruce: In the fight, Damian knocked out the kid’s front teeth. Which is impressive, but not something he should do.

Jason: Yeah, if anything, he should grab a chair and slam it against his head like you did to that goon in ’97.

Bruce: Let’s put aside my night job for a second.

At that moment, Ra’s entered the kitchen, having waited in the car for twenty minutes.

Ra’s: Being a furry is a night job?

Bruce: Why is he here?

Ra’s: I got tired of waiting in the car. What’s going on in here?

Talia: Damian got into a fight.

Ra’s: Oh… he won?

Talia (nodding): Father, that is not what we’re focusing on.

Ra’s: You got blood on your nice shirt.

Damian: That’s the other boy’s blood. I punched him in the nose after he spat on me.

Tim: He spit on you?! Oh, that’s fucking around part.

Damian: And that’s when I grabbed my friend Mitchy’s tiny tumbler cup and bashed it against his nose. After that, I needed something else to throw, which led to grabbing my lunchbox.

Ra’s: You drew the first blood?

Damian nodded, icing his black eye.

Ra’s: That’s what I’m talking about! My grandson is a scrapper!

Bruce: What is wrong with you?

Ra’s: A lot. What’s your excuse?

Jason: Bruce, he’s got you there.

Bruce: Shut it. Damian, you can’t solve your problems with violence. Everyone else, shut the hell up!

The others fell silent, though they couldn’t resist pointing out Bruce’s hypocrisy for the tenth time. Tim received a ping on his phone and, when checking the message, smiled.

Tim: I texted Dick and Barbara about the incident. They both agree Damian shouldn’t have hit the kid, but since the American dog — as Talia called him — started the fight, Damian was defending himself and they think he had no other choice, but to fight back. See? FAFO. It’s a law.

Bruce: It’s not a law!

Tim: Dick said that while he’s on vacation with Kori, he can sense Dad’s hypocrisy.

Bruce: Well, tell him to shut the hell up, or I’ll cut that trip short!

Tim (texting back): Maybe this time he’ll take you seriously.

Damian: I’m glad most of you are on my side. Does this mean I’m not grounded?

Bruce: You are—

Talia: Yes! You won’t be punished this time. I think the ridiculous week-long suspension is enough.

Jason: Yeah, you know how schools are with their zero-tolerance policies bull.

Duke (entering the kitchen): Hello, everyone— how did Satan’s buddy cross the salt circle?

Ra’s: Silence! I will shoot you in the kneecaps! I am not in the mood today. As you can see, I’m congratulating my grandson for winning a fight at school.

Bruce: This wasn’t a planned boxing match. He got into a fight, and whether that bully was the instigator, he’s my son, and I—

Duke: You took my advice and waited for him to shove you first?

Damian nodded. Bruce threw his arms up giving up on talking over everyone.

Duke: Good job. Who drew blood first?

Talia: Damian. He hit the brat with a metal tumbler.

Talia patted her son on the head with a proud mama smile.

Duke: Damn, Damian, that’s what I’m talking about!

Bruce: Okay, forget it! Damian, you’re not grounded, just go to your room, and you’ll stay there for the week of suspension.

Damian: But I want to fight criminals!

Talia: In defense of my beloved, you have a few injuries that need to heal before you go back out as Robin. You deserve a proper rest as well.

Alfred (handing Damian a juice box and cookie): Here’s a snack.

Damian: Yay! Juice and cookies? This is the best outcome for me.

Ra’s (handing Damian twenty dollars): Here.

Damian: And money!

Ra’s: That’s comfort cash. Because I am a decent person, Duke Thomas!

Duke: Mm, Lucifer had his good moments.

Damian: Take it as a compliment, grandfather.

Ra’s: For you, I will. Do you want me to find the kid and his parents and punish them further?

Bruce: Okay, ignoring me. Fantastic.

Damian: No, father, and I agree on this. They’ve suffered enough, and as you taught me, my happiness and success come from their further suffering.

Batman (appearing behind Robin): So this is why you walked off.

Robin turned around, surprised to see his father had found him.

Robin: I was well hidden. How did you spot me?

Batman: I’ve raised three Robins before you. I learned your habits.

Robin: Good point. Can I have some money to buy a big bag of candy to refuel my body?

Batman: I should say no, but I want to buy a sweet treat too. Ten minutes.

Robin: Yes! Thank you, father! I’ll gloat to the others that you and I had this fun side quest together.