Ironsons@7933

there was once a little boy.

he is born disabled. his body hurts, and he can’t walk properly the way the other children do. he doesn’t understand why. he’s a little boy. but he plays with wooden boats and pulls toys on a string.

somebody makes him a tunic. they sew ducks onto it in red and green and yellow and blue. the bright colours of a child.

the little boy is eight years old, and he’s going to be king now. there’s a big ceremony about it. he doesn’t really fully understand what’s going on, because he’s eight, but he wears the tunic with the brightly coloured ducks for the occasion because he loves it. look at his ducks! aren’t they great?

he is a child. the adults around him manipulate and coax him to gain more power for themselves. he still plays with toys.

as a teenager, not yet an adult, he fathers children. they do not survive. he’s not even old enough to have full agency in his job and is still being manipulated, but he had babies and they died.

he does not make it to his twenties. at eighteen or nineteen years old he dies, and is buried. his babies, so tiny, are buried with him.

and so is his tunic with the little ducks that he loved so much he kept it long after it no longer fit.

yeah i think that like. especially with historical figures in your mind people who were kings and queens or important nobles were adults. even if you know how old they were it doesn’t really click. it doesn’t seem real

but then you get something like a little tunic with brightly coloured ducks on it and it hits you like a fucking truck that this really was a little kid and no matter how far removed you are a little kid is still a little kid. their brains didn’t develop any quicker back then. he was just as developed/mature mentally as any 8 year old now. he had cartoonish animals on his clothes and he played with toy boats and probably terrorised the local cat population.

tutankhamun was a child and he didn’t make it to adulthood because he was unfortunate enough to be a very important child

his dad died when he was 8. he saw his own babies die when he was still just a boy himself.

tutankhamun had a little pair of sandals with ducks on them. he had earrings decorated with ducks. he kept those, and other items of childhood clothing. some toys. keepsakes. things he loved, and treasured. he kept them all in a little wooden chest. the chest… was carved with ducks.

and that little duck chest, filled with things he kept from his childhood, was buried with him. maybe he was keeping them for the little babies who did not make it. maybe they just reminded him of good days and fun times.

WITH PLEASURE

(greyscale makes it hard but the duck head is on the right above the toe strap. always takes me a while to find it too)

it’s a funny thing

to be a person made of both hope and sorrow,

to hold light in one hand and ash in the other

and still not know which to let go of.

I am equal parts

optimist and pessimist,

devoted and disillusioned.

I scream, “I should have known,”

and whisper back, “but we are built for love.”

because aren’t we?

aren’t we vessels designed to pour and be poured into,

to risk the breaking just to feel full again?

we cannot love if we do not try—

and yet each attempt feels like another small death.

so I live inside this contradiction,

this endless tug-of-war

between the ache and the reaching,

between the quiet knowing and the wild hope.

maybe that’s what it means to be human—

to always be a little at war,

always negotiating the truce

IT DID. IT HAPPENED IN MOBY DICK. I’M NOT KIDDING.

put dates on everything

don’t believe digital stuff is preserved forever - if it’s really important (documents, photos, etc) print it out

name your files accurately I know it sucks but please

don’t destroy the original just bc you scanned it

rubber cement is the devil’s adhesive use photo corners and quit gluing shit

you will NOT remember write it down

if you staple things to the inside of a folder I will find you

And of course, some Gothamite records this and it gets memed to hell. They even get somebody to imitate Sir David Attenborough to narrate the scene.

Fake Attenborough: And here we have the more colourful offspring of the Bat, closing in on their prey. With lightning quick skill, the Robin has attacked. The Croc has no chance. The Bat looks on as its young takes down the struggling Croc.

Batman *jumping into the alley*: Good work, Robin

It happens to Dick and he reverts back to eight year old Dick, full of energy and feelings too big for his body. And of course, he’s fast as fuck and has no sense of morality giving quarter to the strangers in eccentric costumes trying to pick him up. He breaks Tim’s nose, bites Jason and pummels Damian to the ground, he’s untapped rage and he’s yelling for Bruce or Alfred. Bruce appears and little Dick scales him like a fucking tree, perched on his shoulder like a parrot and for a second, Bruce who had no idea what has happening, is like, oh, I remember this. Dick isn’t even sorry to have caused injury and havoc. He shrugs it off, “you fucked around and found out”

Everybody thinks child Jason will be difficult as fuck but no, he’s sweet as sugar. He gets de aged to maybe five or six. He laughs easily and genuinely, with none of older Jason’s snark. He wants Dick to play with him or wants to go where he’s going, he holds Bruce’s hand wherever they go because safe, he feels safe. And he starts crying when somebody starts yelling, burying his face into Bruce’s leg or hiding behind Damian because when his other dad yelled… Jason is only cheered up by a prospect of getting a story read to him or getting a very large hot meal and Alfred is like, nobody fucking touch me, because he forgot - he actually forgot how small and undernourished Jason was. When he’s aged up again, Alfred insititues a bi-nightly family dinner and Jason has to attend or Alfred is showing up to Crime Alley with a glock.

With Tim, he gets de aged to maybe nine or ten and unlike most kids, he’s not asking where his parents are or what’s going on. He’s practically swinging off of Jason, babbling about all the cool Robin moves he saw or begging Dick to show him how to do flips. He’s weirdly attached to Damian who in turn in devoted to him, I’m talking Tim sat on his hip 24/7 and fed a stream of animal crackers from Damian’s pocket.

As for Damian, he gets de aged until he’s maybe a year or two old. He’s throwing tantrums left right and centre, red in the face from screaming and crying for his mom or his nanny but Alfred seems to know what to do, he has that kid in a wrapper tied to Bruce’s chest or back. Because lets face it, Talia probably wasn’t allowed to baby her baby while he was that little. Bruce calls her to tell her what has happened and for a day and a night, Bruce and Talia get to have that life they were denied with their baby boy. Damian is salty as fuck when he gets aged back up, mainly because “i’m not a child” but partly because, he missed what it was like to see his parents like that.

–

based on these passages from the odyssey and the aeneid (and i think it might have happened in the iliad too, though i can’t remember where):

_

Bruce: I'm home...

Dick: And where were you!?

Bruce: I was having dinner with Clark and Diana. They wanted to catch up a bit.

Dick: Do you know how late it is!? It's 11 P.M.!! What if something happened!!

Bruce: I'm an adult... and I'm Batman

Dick: You could've sent a text at least!! *walking away and talking to himself* Stupid Bruce acting all grown and stuff...

Bruce: Okay. I'm... sorry???

_

Jason: Here *handing him a plate of food*

Bruce: What's this?

Jason: Actual food. Seriously, it's like you don't even eat proper meals anymore

Bruce: I'm telling Alfred you said that

Jason: Go ahead and I'll tell him you've been skipping out on his food to eat protein bars from your utility belt.

Bruce: ...... *starts eating*

Jason: Good, you need your nutrients old man

_

Bruce: *About to leave*

Tim: Where are you going?

Bruce: Selina wants to have lunch with me today

Tim: And who else is going to be there?

Bruce: *Confused* No one, just me and her like usual

Tim: I don't think having lunch with a criminal is safe, Bruce

Bruce: We've been on several dates, Tim. You've known her for years, you literally have her number and address

Tim: *Not listening* I should go with you. I am feeling a bit hungry

Bruce: *sighs*

_

Waitress: *Flirting with Bruce* We have a new bottle of wine that we're not supposed to serve yet, but I'll break the rules for you, Mr. Wayne *winks*

Bruce: *Ignores it* I think I'll just have a water and you?

Cass: *Glaring at the waitress* I'll have a water too

Waitress: *Starts sweating* I'll get that for you right away *hurries away*

Bruce: You have to stop scaring everyone who flirts with me, Cass

Cass: Can't. Have to protect you from creeps

_

Duke: Here *hands him sunscreen*

Bruce who is fully covered as Batman: I don't need it

Duke: Last time you helped me with day patrol, half of your face got sunburnt. The sun wasn't even fully out. Put the sunscreen on

Bruce: *takes it*

_

Damian: Father, I need to speak to you

Bruce: About what?

Damian: I went into your office to look for something and realized you have yet to organize all your paperwork. I told you last week you needed to clean your desk

Bruce: What did you need from my office?

Damian: Irrelevant. We're talking about you not me

Bruce: I need to stop having kids

_

Meanwhile Connor:

But Dick? Dick has already been banned from school premises three times and every time he has to pick up one of his brothers, has to park across the street, sat like:

Dick: What? Everything okay?!

Stephanie: Yes. Peachy. But listen to me. I just realized Damian hasn't seen any famous movies. Ever.

Dick, sighing: I know. The way he was treated in the League–

Stephanie: No. Dick– Listen. I'm saying, he hasn't seen any movies. He doesn't know the first thing about pop culture!

Stephanie: like– we could show him any movie and he would be seeing it for the first time.

Dick: Okay... ?

Stephanie: Dick, he literally hasn't been spoiled any plot twist of any. Movie. Ever

Dick, eyes going wide: Oh. My. God

Stephanie: Ah-ha!

Dick: He doesn't know Darth Vader is the father of Luke!

Stephanie: EXACTLY!

Dick: He doesn't know the end of Planet of the Apes!!

Stephanie: EXACTLY!!

Dick: HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO FRAMMED ROGER RABBIT!

Stephanie: EXACT– God, you're old– But YESS!!

Dick: HOLY SHIT!!

*That same night*

[The little kid from "the sixth sense": ...I see dead people...]

Damian, squished between Dick and Stephanie so he won't run away: -tt- That's stupid.

Dick, rolling his eyes: Come on, Damian. It's fantasy! You gotta make believe.

Stephanie: Yeah! 'Sides, you're going to tell me your grandpa showers in green Gatorade to keep young, but ghosts are too unbelievable?

Damian, deciding to ignore Steph completely: I have no issues understanding the premise of the story, nor the fantastic elements of it. I just think that kid is vastly overreacting.

Stephanie: How the hell is he overreacting?? He just got jumped by a ghost!!

Dick: He's just a little kid, Damian. He's scared.

Stephanie: Yeah. And these are ghosts were talking about. Anyone would be a bit startled if they saw a ghost.

Damian, brows furrowing: I see ghosts all the time and you don't see me make a fuss about it.

Dick: Yes, Damian, but you aren't–

*Both whipping around to look at Damian*

Damian:

Damian: Wh–

Both: YOU SEE FUCKING WHAT??!!

[Narrator voice: For the rest of the movie Damian was too engrossed in pointing out the "inaccuracies" of the ghosts, and totally missed the foreshadowing of Bruce Willis being a ghost too.

The plot twist took him completely by surprise.

Dick and Stephanie were too stunned by earlier events to high–five.

A goon attempting to surrender after hitting Robin so hard he has a concussion: Wait! Wait! I'll tell you everything, just don't-

Dick, dangling the rogue over the edge of a roof: I already fucking know everything, dipshit

Goon: How? How could you-?

Dick: the fucking bats told me

But other rogues from outside of Gotham? They better not touch their Bat or his Robins. Imagine if you will:

Lex Luthor arriving into Gotham and cornering the Bat only for Harley Quinn to show up, kneecap Luthor with her hammer, nod politely to Bats and walk off into the night like nothing happened.

Nightwing has been shot in the side, he's dragging himself to safety before Deathstroke can find him. A car pulls up, door pops open, it's Don Falcone, "get in kid".

Red Hood is caught with no bullets, empty holsters Lady Shiva closing in and he's down some alley, where a door opens and it's Two Face, jerking his head for Jason to get his ass inside.

Robin is about to get taken out by a sniper sent by the League of Assassins, the Joker drops an anvil on their nest because he's the only one who kills Robins in this city.

Dr Psycho is targetting Red Robin and Killer Croc bursts out of the sewers, snapping him up like the "fucking mosasaurus in Jurassic World" according to Tim later on.

However, one morning Bruce is dozing in the early hours overhears his door opening. It's hardly Alfred, he got in at 6am last night and he left a message to not be disturbed by Wayne Enterprise business. He's alert at once, seeing Dick standing at the foot of his bed, Zitka the plushie tucked under his arm and... Dick is tall enough to set the cup of coffee on the nightstand though he does spill some. He creeps out as quietly as he can, closing the door. Bruce lays there, listening to Alfred very gently telling Dick to leave Bruce be in the mornings. It becomes a sort of ritual to disturb Bruce in the mornings because kids hate to see you sleep when they're awake. Dick usually comes in to sit on the pillow next to Bruce's head and yap, about everything, anything and that doesn't stop even when he's grown and out of the house. Jason used to be really wary of waking Bruce, waking his mom and dad never usually went well for him but eventually he learns that Bruce won't hurt him. The first time he wakes him, it's to tell him that he's made breakfast does he want something and they eat breakfast in bed, watching early morning cartoons or something. Now if he wakes him, he practically kicks down the door, flops on the bed and starts ranting about this and that. Tim was going into the city for something really early in the morning and couldn't find Alfred so he ducks his head around the door to tell Bruce and his horrified when Bruce offers to drive him into the city. Cue Bruce giving a dad groan, getting himself up and finding his car keys and Tim is like, "you're sleeping in? It's your morning" and Bruce just grunts and motions Tim out the door because he's glad Tim came to him for something that wasn't Bat related. Cass wakes Bruce for the first time because she's lonely in the house because it's empty and Bruce just sits up in bed, fully awake but pretending to half asleep, asking her what she wants to do today, Cass now walks into his room at any opportunity to poke him awake just to sit together before any other Bat can claim him. Steph loves yanking the curtains open to scare Bruce awake and Bruce plays along, moaning about his morning and tossing a pillow at her while she clambers up over the mattress to get out the door laughing her head off. Damian is more subtle, one did not simply wander into Talia's bedroom or wake the Demon's Head so when he goes in to wake Bruce it is Bat related but nothing pressing. Bruce just nods, yawns and tells Damian give him five minutes and Damian huffs, sitting up on the bed literally timing the five minutes his father is wasting on the case. But the bed is so comfortable and Bruce let's him under the covers because it is cold. Damian is asleep in seconds. It becomes a tradition, Damian waking up to train or pour over files, and coming to wake Bruce and getting another hour or two of sleep.