PhiaKat

FIJMU News 10-8-16

The latest film in Disney’s recent trend of remaking their animated classics as live action will be “Moana,” the original of which has yet to be released.

“We at Disney feel that Moana is our best animated film yet and we won’t wait to adapt it as a live action feature,” said Disney representative Mike Pence (Not to be confused with Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence). “With successes like “Maleficent,” “Alice in Wonderland,” “Cinderella,” “The Jungle Book,” and the upcoming “Mulan,” and “Beauty and the Beast” films, we feel the time is right to adapt Moana for a 2019 release.”

Disney is not without its critics however. According to film critic Tim Kaine (Not to be confused with Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Tim Kaine), “Disney is all about money now, they’ll remake anything they’ve got for a quick buck.” There’s no denying the trend, but with high box office results and good reviews, many feel the remake fad is delivering some of the studio’s best works. Moana has received very good reviews from preview screenings, and the live action version will surely be worth seeing.

i do like the idea of the batkids running official batman media accounts, but let me raise you the civilian batkids running offical batman media accounts.

Jason Todd--civilian Jason Todd, only newly introduced to the public, creates a Batman-official account. he does it carefully, building up activity and traction over the course of like six months with his perfected Batman Attitude(tm) and oddly accurate Batman information that he drops on a semi-regular basis. eventually he pays Tim to mention him on his Red Robin account just to boost credibility, and after a while everybody in Gotham fully believes this is the Batman account. that's when he goes live.

'Batman' goes live for the first time in what is clearly the Wayne Manor kitchen, dressed in a surprisingly accurate Batman costume if it wasn't for the fact that the mask and cowl is clearly plastic and still has a Halloween costume store tag hanging from the ear.

"Welcome to the stream." Batman says, in a Batman voice imitation that is about three octaves too deep and gruff. "Today, we bake German chocolate cake."

for the next forty minutes 'Batman' proceeds to bake the entire cake while talking to himself in his Batman voice--completely ignoring almost all of the live chat. he's not just explaining the steps to baking, by the way. he's fully talking to himself as if he were Batman.

"Next we crack the eggs like they are the Joker's knee caps. Did you know he killed my kid once? I was so sad. I still am sad, but less in the grieving way and more in the pathetic old man way."

"I'm getting so old. Last week I spent twenty minutes debating with Nightwing and Red Hood that liquorish 'wasn't that bad' and refused to give in, even when Red Robin offered me a piece and I ate it fully without realising that he'd actually fed me a piece of tire-rubble from the street."

"I don't say this to anybody else, but I clearly miss when people would describe me as a twink."

after a while the official Red Robin, Robin, and Nightwing accounts start watching the live, and their messages are the only ones that 'Batman' will respond to.

Robin: Father the Riddler is holding me hostage. "This is why I teach you chess. beat him and come home soon for cake."

Nightwing: be honest B, does Catwoman really love you? "No :( I pay her because no other woman will touch me."

Red Robin: when you die horribly in battle, who are you leaving the Batman mantle to? "Agent A. Because how fucking funny would that be."

eventually Bruce Wayne wanders into the kitchen and is spotted in the back of the stream, clocking the camera and 'Batman' and staring at it all like he thinks he's going insane.

"Jason what the fuck are you doing?"

Batman whirls around and drops the voice instantly, whining like a child, "Aw, Dad, come on I was almost done!"

"What the fuck is this?!"

"I'm Batman."

"Jason I have had a really fucking long day. No you’re not."

We don’t often think about Boron, but our world depends on it completely. Without Boron we wouldn’t have many of the things we have today. Here are just a few examples of what would happen without Boron:

No computers. Boron is critical for transistors.

No phones, even old-timey ones. All phone voice sensors are Boron.

No Pickles, or pickled food. Guess what pickles cucumbers? Boron.

No Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones is funded by Margaret Z. Hardevicke, a Boron magnate.

No sports. Every ball used in every sport from bowling to soccer to baseball to hockey uses Boron in its ball for bounciness or solidness.

No sex. Fulfilling sexual intercourse in humans is dependent on the hormone “Prolactin” which has two Boron atoms holding it together. We could still procreate, but we wouldn’t enjoy it.

Nothing to kill or die for. Much like Prolactin, “Cortisol” contains Boron and without it, we’re a pretty aloof species, unwilling to fight or take up a martyr’s cause. Without Boron, we’d be more peaceful but also more docile, and tyrants could easily hold power over us all.

No religion, too. Boron plays a role in every known religious origin. Judaism, Islam and Christianity all depend on the earliest scrolls chronicling the story of Genesis, which are written in, you guessed it, Boron based paint. The Upanishads of Hinduism and the Buddhist Dhammapada were both written on Boron plates. More recent religions aren’t exempt- Rumor has it that Joseph Smith had his First Vision while under the influence of Boron. Mormonism was in fact originally called Boronism.