👏 batch👏 out 👏 for 👏 will

So I'm writing this part for two reasons: so I can send it to friends and others when they ask what I'm doing; and to remind myself why I'm doing it, in case I'm compelled to come back too early. This is gonna be a ramble; I'm writing this after midnight, cus I'll forget or lose the nerve in the morning.

You likely already know what this is about from the emoji tag. You'll also notice that I won't mention any proper names in this post. That's one of the issues I'm stepping away to work on.

I've been quiet about it ever since it started, for a few reasons. Unfamiliarity with the history behind it, fear of spreading misinfo or propaganda, doomscrolling tendencies. For months, I've done the daily click and left it at that.

(Speaking of, last month I found out that the site doesn't track cookies or whatever its called? TL;DR: you can click as many times as devices you have. That's 3 for me.)

But anyway, this week it stopped feeling like enough. From this post's date and what I usually post about, you can probably guess what broke the camel's back.

And... I feel guilty that this is what broke it. And I feel guilty that I feel guilty. It's not my struggle; I'm a bystander. But I chose to be, and I can't tell how much of it was for my own mental health, and how much was denial, selfishness, misplaced optimism.

I want to believe people aren't so cartoonishly cruel. I want to believe people do their research before acting on or speaking about these things. I want to believe people can treat these things with the delicate nuance they deserve. I want to believe that one side destroying innocents on the other is inexcusable, no matter the historical context, and that the rest of the world's powers will act to stop it.

I'm scared of how much I still want to believe it, despite reality. I'm scared of how long it took me to feel the appropriate horror. I've had intrusive thoughts and pits in my stomach all week, and it's compounded by the guilt that I'm only having them now.

I still want to believe some things were misguided, or made before the situation, or will be fixed later. And I can't tell anymore what's a coping mechanism, and what's just a selfish hope that it'll all be fine.

So... I'm gonna get better coping mechanisms.

I'm looking for therapists. Not just for this, but some other things that happened to stack up this week. It doesn't take much to throw off my daily functioning, and I've been holding off addressing that. Again, it's horrible that it took something like this to make me realize that.

To fill up the spare time, I'm gonna put more work into my art skills. I can finally afford better tools, so it's time I practice more professional techniques.

So, yeah. I'm leaving because I feel I can't address things like an adult, and I hope to learn how before I come back.