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Emergency cleaning: Unfuck your whole house in the shortest time possible
So, your landlord/parents/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.
Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.
Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.
Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.
Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.
Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.
Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.
Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.
Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.
Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!
Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.
Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.
Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.
Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.
Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.
If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.
Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.
It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.
Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.
You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.
the number of times in my past that I desperately wanted/needed someone to sit me down and tell me this stuff. I will never get back the hours and hours lost to headless-chicken mode, but it’s nice to know that in the last year I’ve learned so many coping mechanisms :D
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Every time Sean Astin makes a statement on whether or not Sam and Frodo were indeed gay for each other in lord of the rings he’s always like “well we have to acknowledge that attitudes around sexuality have changed dramatically over the past several decades and since authorial intent is only up to speculation, the story is open to multiple readings, some of which might have different significances for different groups of people also they kiss on the lips because I said so”
Rosie: "This is my husband Sam, and that's his husband, Frodo. Frodo is my husband-in-law. I'm not into him, he's he's a bit too 'elfy' for my taste, but Sam likes him, and that's fine with me. As far as I know, Frodo can't give Sam children, but Frodo looks after ours all the same, so I don't mind sharing Sam if it means another pair of eyes on the wee ones. In all honesty, our family tree is right simple compared to some hobbits. Yes, I'm referrin' to you Lobelia, over there pretendin' you ain't eavesdroppin'. Still bitter you ain't got either of my boys or their house, eh?"
Tbh it's canon that Frodo invited Sam and Rosie to move in to Bag End after their wedding and they all lived there for a couple of years until Frodo went to Valinor, so yeah. Running with it.
And once Rosie dies, Sam says his goodbyes and disappears after him.
what’s funny is people assuming that rosie would somehow be too dim or naive to KNOW that sam loved frodo, instead of looking at a guy who would loyally follow a beloved friend to hell and then help carry him home again, and not be like ‘oh i can’t not fuck that.’
Polyamory, specifically polyandry, would be an interesting solution to the oddball population of the Shire.
The Shire is excellent farming country, with consistently good weather, and only one tough winter in living memory; hobbits like to produce large families; they’re resistant to disease, rarely violent, and encounter few dangers. It is usual for hobbits to produce many children, so that (for example) Bilbo and Frodo are unusual in both being only children, with no siblings, and not having children of their own. All of this should point to a population that increases every generation if not doubling outright. Young people (and their ideologies!) should rapidly outnumber the old with an ever-increasing effect and impact on society. However, the Shire has a surprisingly stable history; it never seems to increase or decrease greatly in population, and the bell curve of age seems… demographically balanced? There certainly isn’t a conflict from rising young bloods challenging the middle-aged reactionaries; there’s no unemployment; there are no housing crises or waves of emigration, or even a tendency for young people leaving home to marry. Meanwhile, not only does the Shire not suffer from internal pressures, but it remains obscure and hardly noticed in global politics.
What makes sense here is that adult hobbits form a loose group. Four parents in a polycule, between them all, may produce four children. All four parents claim to have four children. An outsider would assume this meant the adults had eight children.
Hobbits therefore are not especially fertile or fecund. They simply have large families. Much of their interest in genealogy is due to the complex relationships of blood-kin, hearth-kin, love-kin and pledge-kin, who must all be carefully tracked and measured - not just because you need to make sure that you don’t climb into bed with an un-permitted degree of blood-kin, but to track family alliances and carefully quantify the precise level of thoughtfulness to put into the proper present to gift your father’s lover’s lover (too much implies a degree of intimacy that might upset the polycule.)
Thus, while a hobbit matron may tell a startled dwarf that she has seven sons, she might only have borne five of them herself, and have one hearth-son by her wife, and a pledge-son of her first husband’s. There are between three and four fathers involved at various stages of production, from conception to pledge-duty, but there is debate about the precise number of fathers, as one child was festival-conceived and therefore provisionally pledged to the Brandybucks until more distinctive paternal traits should materialise. It’s expected that four of the sons will be uninterested in women, and their contribution to family life will be in raising hearth-children and pledge-duty. However, this level of detail is normally negotiated later in conversation, as a mutual overture of friendship. So she’s just clear and simple: yes, certainly, she has seven sons. Yes, they’re all hers. Yes, that’s fairly normal - yes, hobbits like big families. How big? That’s really hard to say! Well, about thirteen hobbits live in her house… er, she has forty-three nieces and nephews. Yes! She has nine siblings, that’s correct, but some of them are still babies themselves..
In this way, a bewildered dwarf might assume that hobbits are absurdly fertile, producing an average of seven children per couple, at an absurd pace.
When in fact, with about half of hobbits never bearing biological children, the population of hobbits is pretty much always the same.
Tl:dr, hobbit population works perfectly well, both internally and in the perceptions of outsiders, if the majority of the Shire is gay, they’re all polyamorous, and they all firmly claim to be parents of high numbers of children. Of course Frodo fathered Sam’s kids - he named them! They were pledge-kin but not hearth-kin, as Frodo needed a lot of quiet and stability in the home.
No outsider ever parses hobbit genealogy well enough to understand this except for Gandalf, who never explains anything either.
Since “pledge” kinships are multidimensional and can occur in different directions, hobbits can form - and formalise - family bonds simply because they choose to. Gandalf doesn’t tell anyone that the formation of Thorin’s Company, the Fellowship of the Ring, and Belladonna Took’s Accidental Troop of Mercenaries* are legal formations of pledge-siblings, a hobbit family structure usually claimed to increase social class and prestige (as high numbers of pledge-kin confer distinction on a hobbit, being a sort of popularity vote/endorsement that adds greatly to their social power. Incidentally, this is partly why Bilbo was both controversial and successful in his pledge-claim of Frodo; outsiders mistook his “bachelor” status as someone living outside of heteronormativity, while the Shire was bewildered and increasingly annoyed by his rejection of pledge and hearth commitments. By rights Bilbo had too few pledge-kin, and too little parenting experience, to claim rights to an orphan, especially one from Brandybuck hearth; but conversely, his social status was high enough that his belated bid for his very first pledge-son couldn’t reasonably be denied by anybody.)
In short, all of the hobbits enjoyed achieving even larger families on their adventures, legally and without argument or debate. It’s free real estate. If nobody else is going to sibling these losers, we will. (The condensation of so many entanglements at once also legally made Pippin his own father-in-law.)
Gandalf never explained.
* see the post about the Old Took’s “enchanted diamond cufflinks” that obeyed the wearer’s commands; which were probably, given the general state of things, two lost silmarils recovered by his Remarkable Daughters and gifted to him because things stay small and safe in the shire
Only through Boromir while Boromir was alive! Pippin’s familial claim through Boromir technically dissolved on Boromir’s death, as Denethor hadn’t been privy to it, and those bonds rarely stretch to a stranger when the person in the middle has died before introducing them; although Pippin, who was well-brought-up, perfectly and politely rectified the problem at once by simply swearing himself as Denethor’s pledge-son. but through his blood-cousinship to Frodo, who was older than Boromir, his status as the Took double-primarc (don’t ask) and the proximity-enhanced status-doubling effects of having a five-way cousin in Merry, Pippin was demonstrably higher status as a pledge-sibling and was also his own father-in-law and approved of himself. As such, he would have significantly raised Boromir’s social status and marital prospects in the Shire.
Inheritance follows parent-child pledge as the primary consideration, with matrilineal descent as the secondary. Pippin would have been bewildered to gradually understand that Denethor held his two sons in such odd and different standing :-/ hobbits don’t recognise kingship so it would’ve been very upsetting and disappointing to Pippin to understand how Denethor stood in position of sworn-father to a whole city of people without even being slightly fair to his younger hearth-son. Aragorn is demonstrably much better dad-material and therefore had Pippin’s vote. Pippin, by virtue of being an excellent father-in-law to a spectacularly promising young son-in-law, also considered himself a better candidate for king of Gondor than Denethor, by outranking him in Dad Competence - but was too busy by the time he realized this to point this out .
Ironically, the events in which Pippin realized this made Faramir his own hearth-son - so Pippin won in the end and took a great interest in ceremonially approving of Eowyn. Gandalf never explained
The prince, most of the way through hauling himself over the balcony, gazed in some peturbation at the grizzled man clearly just waking up from a nap in a comfy armchair placed just so to catch the afternoon sun. As his eye scanned the room he took in the battered suit of armour juryrigged onto a dressmaker's dummy in one corner, the extremely large sword propped up in another; they finally came to halt on the man again who, having apparently moved with cat-like stealth that someone his size should not have, was now in front of him and offering him a hand.
"Ah. I fear I must have taken a wrong turning, I do beg your pardon for disturbing you," the prince said as diplomatically as he could, "I meant to rescue Princess Imelda-"
The man smiled congenially. "Right tower, wrong time - here, let me help you up, that can't be comfortable."
The prince did his level best not to squawk as the man lifted him by arm and shoulder over the balcony railing, setting him gently on his feet. "What do you mean, wrong time?" he asked, a little sharper than intended despite all his princely training after the indignity of being scruffed like a kitten.
The man held out his hand. "Sir Biddeford. I'm...well, I suppose you could say I'm tower-sitting for Imelda."
"Tower sitting?!"
"Do you want a drink or anything?" Sir Biddeford appeared to let the prince's breach of manners roll past him. "I've brought up a couple of nice vintages, or there's water or apple juice or milk in the ice box - nice little bit of wizardry that."
"Look, sorry, could we go back to the whole tower-sitting concept?" The prince pinched the bridge of his nose, the beginning of a headache starting to form.
Sir Biddeford shrugged. "Suit yourself." He plopped himself back down in the armchair - although the prince couldn't help but notice the lack of noise, the grace behind the gracelessness.
"It's like this, lad. I normally do dungeons, but when I saw this tower as I was riding past I thought, 'Biddeford, no one would have built a tower with no doors, it's just not efficient if you want to keep anyone inside without having to put a lot of teleportation spells and the like, I bet there's a secret door somewhere."
He waved airily, "And it took about ten minutes to find it and get it open, because no one had thought about the way the ground got worn by the servants-"
"There are servants here too?" The prince was still bristling at 'lad' despite himself.
"Not right now, obviously," Sir Biddeford replied. The prince had barely drawn breath before he continued, "They only come once a week to do laundry, restock, and spruce up the place, although I've been helping out there." The prince spluttered at the impropriety. "Anyway, Imelda fancied a bit of a break from the tower, and I had been thinking of a holiday for a while, so...here I am, she has my horse and travel gear, and she should be back in...a month?"
"A month," the prince said flatly. "One. Whole. Month."
"Or thereabouts, we didn't set a specific date." Sir Biddeford shrugged.
"I did not travel across hazardous mountains and through perilous forests to go home without rescuing a sodding princess!" The prince exploded, stomping one foot in emphasis, the heel of his riding boot clacking solidly on the flagstones.
Sir Biddeford shrugged again. "I'm not really the rescuable type, I'm afraid...there are a couple of empty rooms further down the tower, I'm sure no one will mind if you stay until Imelda gets back."
The prince's eyes narrowed. "You're making fun of me, aren't you? The King will hear of this, this outrage!"
"Suit yourself." Sir Biddeford settled back into the armchair with all the self-possession of a cat claiming a favourite cushion. "Close the window on your way out, if you don't mind? The afternoon breeze gets a bit feisty."
The prince spluttered some more. He didn't close the window.
Imelda let the horse amble its way to the tower, not feeling any particular urgency to returning. That being said, once she was close enough to see the field it stood in curiosity did lead her to gently urge it to a lope; as the pair of them slowed, she took in the small wooden barn, the start of what looked like a solid kitchen garden - and sitting on a comfy recliner on a sun-trap veranda that had definitely not been a feature of the tower previously, one Sir Biddeford.
"Imelda!" She hadn't been sure he was even awake, but he was waving to her with enthusiasm. "Good trip? Sassy behave herself? Can I get you a drink?"
"Sir Biddeford. Biddie." She gestured at all of the improvements to the tower. "What on earth has been happening while I've been away? Mother sends her regards before I forget, by the way."
"Let's see...quite a few princes, some of whom were absolute charmers, a few knights, two shepherds, a goose girl, a surprising number of people called Jack..." Sir Biddeford counted them all off on his fingers. "Some of them stayed, some of them chose to rescue each other, I persuaded all of the charmers to go and complain at your father, and the ones that stayed...well, they're enjoying a bit of a holiday and learning from each other, really."
Princess Imelda regarded him steadily. "...you've turned my tower into a holiday camp for questers?"
"Not intentionally, but...yes, I suppose I have." Sir Biddeford shrugged.
Shaking her head, Imelda slid off Sassy's back, taking care not to drop the staff that she'd acquired on her trip. "I suppose I better clean Sassy and myself up, and then go and see how we're going to decide who actually gets to rescue me..."
"Hmm." Sir Biddeford eyed her thoughtfully. "Staff of the Ice Serpent?"
"What, this?" Imelda held it out to him proudly, the sun glinting off the translucent stone embedded in the tip. "I had a run of good luck on one of those dungeons you mentioned. Then there was a wizard doing a sort of outbound school for her students who didn't mind an extra assistant, you know how it goes."
"Any good?"
Imelda's smile was fierce. "Well, she said if royalty didn't work out for me she'd be happy to take me in as a full-time student..."
"Hmm." That seemed to be it, Sir Biddeford already paying more attention to his horse than to her, until he casually added, "There are a couple of dungeons I always meant to have a look at, but they were as much magic as traps."
"Are you...I literally just got back, Biddie," Imelda replied, clamping down hard on her sudden excitement.
"All the more reason to head out now before anyone sees you," Sir Biddeford said pleasantly, "There are a couple of questers with good heads on their shoulders and it won't take me long to put together supplies - meet me by the crossroads in, oh, fifteen minutes."
A lifetime of princess training could not repress the irrepressable grin. "Father's going to be furious."
"I'm sure he will be if he notices - now go on, scoot. I'll bring your bags on Sassy."
Perhaps bordering more on a skip than a scoot, Imelda scooted.
Daughter of fantasy villains decides to rebel against her parents by actually going through with her arranged marriage to a local golden retriever of a prince instead of running off with some local villain-to-be or conquering said golden retriever’s kingdom and ruling it solo like her parents expect her to. Plus, sue her, she’s into the clean-cut earnest look.
At the same time, local prince charming discovers that he’s actually very into the gothic fiance his parents have landed him with in order to try and establish peace with the local evil lair down the lane, he would never have guessed a spiderweb pattern could look so fetching on a ball gown…?
Meanwhile, two pairs of parents in a tizzy because they both expected their offspring to whole-heartedly reject this union and give them an excuse to conquer their goody-two-shoes/evil neighbours, they’re not supposed to actually like each other-!
respective friend groups undergoing culture clash like all of prince charming’s knights are like what vile spell has been used to ensorcel our prince. we must be on our guard for surely this is but a ruse for an assassination attempt
meanwhile the villain bride’s friends are all like clearly he loves you not, why do you persist in a manner that will ensure your own heart break, i mean if he was taking this seriously there would be at least three assassination attempts by now. it’s like he doesn’t even notice that you have massive amounts of dark power to covet for his own
smashcut to
fully armored knight, clanging through the hallways in attempts at stealth, blades drawn: i’m just saying, i took an oath of protection. this feels wrong.
prince charming: it’s not wrong, it’s celebrating cross cultural traditions for my beloved bride
@chucktaylorupset Meanwhile the bride has a bouquet of roses, cornflowers, and wheat sheaves on her desk in her room, and she’s not coming out until she’s written a beautiful and moving poem about how they favourably compare to her groom. It’s been three days. She’s gone through an entire raven’s worth of quills (unethically sourced). The ‘toads who used to be my friends’ list has gone up by one. But she’s bent dark forces and eldritch spirits to her will and, by the powers obscene, this will not be the thing that breaks her.
Sorceress friend: Please, just get him an amulet that will double his power at the cost of his soul, no one’s worth this.
Rebellious villainess: (nearly in tears) No, he brought his best knights to the castle and tried to kill me last week, at midnight, I can’t ignore something like that! He even kicked Cathulhu!
Sorceress friend: He nudged it with his foot. And then he apologized to it. In tears.
Rebellious villainess: (actually in tears now, for reasons of feels instead of poetic torment) He’s trying so hard!!!
Prince: Of course, darling - may I inquire as to what for?
Villainess: Blood sacrifice to the dark gods, you know how it is.
Prince: …
Prince: …darling, you know I support your lifestyle choices, but I must say this before it potentially happens.
Prince: I’m not all right with human sacrifice. That’s one of my boundaries. I don’t know if you do that or not, but it seemed a topical time to bring it up.
Villainess: (carefree laugh) Oh beloathed, don’t worry yourself about such things, I would never!
Villainess: (leading him off to the goat market) Only incompetents use actual humans. Skilled practitioners of the dark arts know that a goat is not only a sufficient sacrifice, but the superior one.
@sapphire-monkey One of the nobles against the marriage in the prince’s kingdom invites the villainess to a local village’s blessing ritual, secure in the knowledge that it’s not only custom to wear the absolute palest white or undyed linen/woolen clothing one owns, it’s a requirement of the ritual and sacrilegious to do otherwise. Let’s see you deal with that miss all-black-wardrobe.
She arrives in diaphanous white silk edged with lace that gives the impression of beautifully tattered hems, all of it drifting gently around her on the spring breeze to give the feeling of a wraith from a haunted castle or something of the such. While not her personal cup of tea, she finds the ritual very moving, and absolutely understands why its one of her beloathed’s favorites.
One of the nobles from her kingdom, meanwhile, decides, fuck it, and just turns the prince into a frog. It takes her two minutes to find and fix him.
Villain noble: How.
Villainess: True love’s kiss, bitch.
Villain noble: (seethes)
The prince, meanwhile, pissed off the entire villainous court for the recent engagement ball that was held by knowing and responding accordingly to all the proper threats and insults. He studied before doing this, and he’s not going to shame darling in front of her peers! Bastard even managed to subdue his chivalry long enough to flirt with one of her friends right in front of her, how dare he be so considerate and sensitive to her needs like that-!?
First time the Prince finds out Villainess can transform into a gigantic fire-breathing dragon is a very O_OU moment for him.
Villainess: Are you surprised I can? It’s a common ability.
Prince: I didn’t want to assume.
Villainess: …
Prince: (sweats)
Villainess: …you’re picturing me turning into a dragon and riding on my back into battle, aren’t you?
Prince: N-no, no, of course not-!
Villainess: (drapes in his lap) It’s okay, we’d look fantastic. (sly expression) And probably scary enough to get the enemy forces to surrender without any needless bloodshed.
Prince: (sweating) Darling, are you trying to tempt me into putting you into a position where you could be injured in battle?
Villainess: A little. :3 (more seriously) But it is also on the table if we ever need to defend our throne. It’s the sort of thing that form’s for, really.
Prince: If you’re comfortable with it, then very well, it shall be added to the list of acceptable strategies.
(comfortable cuddling for a moment)
Prince: I imagine you make a very majestic dragon.
Villainess: (preening) I really do.
Prince: Perhaps we should have a tapestry done of it, then? It could hang opposite the one of my family’s crest in the throne room when we someday ascend the thrones ourselves.
Villainess: 8O! Beloathed, I would adore a tapestry of that! (cuddles further against him) Oh, and across from your family crest! That would be such a slap in the face to my parents, having a tapestry of me there instead of their own crest.
Prince: (hadn’t thought of it that way, but is happy that she’s happy)
Villainess comes in one night thoroughly out of sorts because her stupid cousin’s decided to make a move on her rights to the souls of their ancestors, and the jerk’s competent enough to actually have a potential chance at getting them, too, like he’d even wear the necklace of jewels they’re trapped in-!!!
The Prince listens patiently to her frustration until she’s finished, then considers for a few minutes.
“Darling, about that banquet your family’s having next fortnight - will your cousin be in attendance?”
“Yes, he’ll be using it to lay the groundwork of his plans. Why?”
“Would it be all right if I popped in for a bit? And was rather more… myself than I usually am around your parents?”
“…I suppose it’d be all right.”
“Wonderful!” (kisses her hand) “Perhaps wear those full-arm gloves your friend got you for the event - the ones that allow you to handle blessed objects without them interfering with your dark powers?”
“Well now I’m just curious. I shall do as you request, beloathed.”
The night of he shows up to the banquet positively radiating charm, good will, and benevolence, decked out in full armor that’s glowing slightly. Oh this? It’s the ancestral trappings of one of his relatives who was a champion of the stellar deities, those who guide ones who have become lost in darkness? He’s not a holy champion himself, but he is a fully-realized warrior of light and family, so he’s permitted to wear it at times. Oh yes, he completed his warrior of light trials when he was eighteen, when on a quest and everything! That’s where he earned his sword - it’s actually a shard of sunlight, you know, not metal. That’s why he’s called Prince of the Sun and Stars sometimes - bit of a grandiose title, really, but the artists and poets enjoy playing with the imagery, and who is he to deny them, especially when Darling is so fond of the stars herself! There’s a lass in one of the kingdom’s villages doing a portrait of the two of them together playing with that motif, actually, and it looks like it’s going to to be absolutely lovely when it’s done-
And he continues to be cheerful, charming, and just the nicest, most polite guy for the time he’s there while also reminding everyone in no uncertain terms that, for as long as the forces of evil have been trying to quash the forces of good, his side has been working at the opposite. And his side tends to win more often. And maybe it would be wise not to pick a fight with Darling because he’d hate to have to do battle with a potential in-law in the path of supporting her family’s traditions regarding people who cross them…
Jerk cousin is thoroughly cowed out of making an attempt at the family-filled jewels, and Villainess’s friends are standing with her off to the side going, “Okay, beginning to see what you see in him now.” Villainess herself is walking around with on safely-gloved hand on his arm as he intimidates the hell out of everyone she knows in order to help her protect what’s hers, swooning a little bit inside the whole time.
(Hers might be more diversely applicable, but Villainess isn’t the only one bringing something to the table in terms of power. Prince is generally more useful for things like getting birds to sing in chorus or making friends with bunnies, but his family does specialize in slaying evil. She may be skilled at facing enemies of all sorts, but he’s prepared specifically for anyone in her home court who might try to backstab her.)
Villainess is chilling in Prince’s court one day and a lady of the court storms up to her in tears, make-up running, and is just, “One of your friends turned my fiance into a newt, a newt, and he fell in the moat before I could catch him and I don’t know how to find him, or how to change him back if I do find him, and the library only has information on frog and bear transformations, and no one knows what to to do and you’re the only person who might know what to do, please help me-!” (bursts into inconsolable tears)
This throws Villainess through a loop, people don’t tend to whole-heartedly throw their trust in others like this at her place, this is super unsettling, so she just responds in the way she usually would, “Oh? And what price are you willing to pay?”
“Anything.”
…ooooooooh that is so, so tempting, why are people in this court so earnest, don’t they realize that the reason the higher nobles are worried about her marriage to their prince is the very real potential that she could use this opportunity to cast their country and its people into a thousand years of ruin and despair, bare minimum…?! But it would make Darling unhappy if she’s too mean about this, so, “How about your dignity, then? First off, we’ll have to get you out of that dress…” (seductive smirk and cock of the hips)
Court lady: (still in tears but hands immediately go to her bodice laces to start undoing)
Villainess: (grabbing her hands) OKAY, WHOA, HOLD UP, WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF COURT, HAVE SOME STANDARDS!!! Just- just go put on something you don’t mind getting all messed up, we’re going to have to get in the moat a bit for this, and even the edges are all muddy.
Court lady: Oh. (sniffles) Okay. Thank-you.
They spend the next three hours dredging around the moat to find the right newt and then perform the right ceremony to turn him human again. He appears naked and covered in mud and court lady unabashedly flings herself into his arms, sobbing in relief this time, and it’s disgustingly wholesome and romantic.
Newt Lordling: (once he’s finished doing a bit of sobbing of his own into his fiance’s hair) Wait, aren’t you Neskatina’s friend? Could you tell her that my sister likes daffodils? Girls, and daffodils? I tried to tell her myself, but the newt thing happened before I could get past asking her to stop with the threatening letters. We- we really don’t send those around here unless we mean it, she’s been finding it a bit upsetting. Daffodils would be much better received.
I thought about them more and… there’s no way Court Lady isn’t going to decide to be friends with Villainess after all this, is there? She helped her save her fiance when she thought him lost to her forever and had nowhere else to turn, they did what amounts to a mini quest together, they’re friends now. Villainess has no idea how to handle it when the next court function comes along and Court Lady scampers over (tear-free this time) and proceeds to spend a decent amount of the evening with her just being… so unabashedly friendly. It’s unnerving.
Prince: She’s grateful to you and wants to be friends.
Villainess: (glowering suspiciously) Sounds fake.
Prince: She thinks you’re nice.
Villainess: Disgusting.
She still goes when Court Lady invites her on a trip to the meadows with some of the other ladies to pick greens, all of them surprised by the discovery that going out to gather flowers and useful herbs and such is something ladies from both courts do from time to time (though for very different reasons). It’s common sense to wear an older outfit that’s all right to get a bit grass- or mud-stained (ladies from the Prince’s court call them their ‘daisy dresses,’ Villainess and her friends call them ‘gathering gowns’), and Villainess is kind of shocked that the pretty nobles from her beloathed’s court do this sort of thing.
The ladies all titter, then it’s story time, because you can bet most of them have a heroic/clever/wise relative somewhere in the family tree who was born a peasant and married or gained nobility for some feat or other, and it’s fun to have someone new in the group who hasn’t heard all the stories before. Villainess is surprised again, because she does actually know some of these stories, but from the relatives of the villain involved (usually told in a ‘you’ll never guess what so-and-so’s idiot relative got thwarted over’ sort of tone). Going on outings like this helps you stay connected to your roots!
Also, Court Lady turns out to be the daughter of the royal apothecary and has a deep knowledge of the properties of various mushrooms. She even knows about poisons because they’re used in medicine sometimes. Villainess might be starting to like her as a person.
Another lady finds a patch of old teasels and braids them into a crown for Villainess, because “They’re all dark and spiky, and about the same colour as your daisy dr- ah, your gathering gown! We tend to make each other flower crowns when we go out, but I thought you might like these better.”
Villainess: …won’t they get deceptively yet horribly tangled in my hair, making the crown stay on well but an absolute nightmare to take off?
Lady: (terrified that she’s judged wrong) Yes…?
Villainess: (trying so hard not to be horribly touched, she’s just allergic to all these non-lethal flowers, that’s why she’s suddenly feeling sniffly) That’s really thoughtful of you.
To get a touch spicy - both are shocked to discover that their fiance is under the belief that the alignment they’re not a part of invented bondage.
Prince: It had to have been a villain that invented it, your side’s the one that gets all clever with ropes and knots and everything!
Villainess: No no no, it must have been your side, because safe words and after care!
They are both very perplexed, but also in absolute agreement that they will not be asking their parents about this.
(Because why go with the trope ‘good folks are vanilla in bed and evil folks are spicy’ when you could go with ‘actually one’s moral alignment has no effect on what they’re into in bed and actually it’s a pretty even division of spiciness levels all around’ and have both groups get tripped up by the discovery?)
@moviegirlsincedisney #amazing #I need comics and books and a tv show #also I imagine after neskatina has sent a bouquet of daffodils with a black ribbon binding them together #she receives a letter threatening her for turning the lordling into a newt from the sister #It’s filled with scathing comments the likes of which neskatina has never heard from the lips of the Good Folk #at the end of the letter written in tiny print is a post script saying ‘did I do it right? you’re cute’ #Neskatina is disturbed when instead of ruining the effect of the whole letter she is instead only further endeared
[Image ID:] A short comic of someone with pointy ears wearing a hat reading something from their laptop, which results in them pulling their hat over their head and screaming. [End ID]
There’s that semi-common trope in a lot of stuff where the King’s advisor turns out to be super evil, right? I imagine that could play back into this, where the Prince’s father’s advisor is like. Visibly evil and malicious and conniving, complete with backhanded comments and an unsettling name. And Villainess finally meets him and realizes this immediately. She personally finds him to be one of the most tolerable people in the castle, but she is a bit concerned that the Prince doesn’t know and that this man could cause some out of place stress to her Beloathed. Eventually she decides to tell him, and so later that night she asks about it.
Villainess: Beloathed, what do you think of your father’s advisor?
Prince: Him? Oh, he’s been with the family since my father was a boy. He practically raised Father when my grandfather fell ill. We are lucky to have him with us.
Villainess: …are you aware that he’s evil?
Prince: Hm? Oh, yes.
Villainess, now a bit confused: And you haven’t removed him from the job? I would have assumed that your people would not tolerate this kind of darkness, especially so close to power.
Prince, shrugging: It’s kind of a tradition, to be honest. The King’s advisors have all been evil for… well, centuries now. It’s something that mostly goes unspoken. The position tends to corrupt people. Eventually he will reveal a daring plot, and I will defeat him to protect the light and discover something new about the side of good.
Villainess: Hmm. I suppose that makes sense.
And later on the Villainess begins to foil the advisor’s plans, mostly because all of them are mediocre and her beloathed deserves a much more challenging trial than that. The Prince is touched that the Villainess is putting this much attention into such a small, unspoken tradition. The advisor is very confused and upset because “what do you mean that was a bad plan, I even included poison!”
The Prince meanwhile when visiting his in-laws is shocked to discover that the Evil Neighbours have their own equivalent of the Evil Advisor- the Good Nanny. Decent childcare is so hard to find in an Evil Court and so having a trustworthy servant who will do their best to raise the royal heirs to be good people, thus protecting them from various court intrigues and poisons and whatnot until they’re old enough to fend for themselves and kill their own enemies is essential.
The position in court is an open secret, and it’s actually used to teach heirs what unconditional love and loyalty looks like. Sometimes that’s of value when choosing their own followers, and sometimes it’s of value when they’re making Evil Schemes- it’s best not to underestimate the motivation of good people to defend what is theirs.
(Generally speaking the Good Nanny is usually a pragmatic sort, who has to be smart enough to survive in an Evil Court but not so inflexible that they can’t stomach its culture. And eventually there comes a time when most Good Nannies suffer some form of moral injury and are forced to come to terms with it, and that can be instructive too.)
The prince 100% gifts his beloved an entire FLOCK of black sheep (ethically sourced from all over the kingdom), so that the next time she’s required to wear “undyed wool” for a ceremony, she can wear it in her preferred color.
It’s actually very useful for some of her more specialized magic.
unironically i think we need to bring back computer labs because APPARENTLY some people WERENT taught basic computer literacy and internet safety in school
things about computers/the internet i think kids should be formally taught in schools because theyre important to know and the amount of soon to be grown adults i know who know NOTHING about any of these is quite frankly almost all of them (and resources to learn if you dont know these things, because its never to late to get better with computers)
how to troubleshoot by yourself when you have a technical problem
what common file types are
some very basics on how to use ""developer tools"" on your computer (because i cant think of a better way to refer to them) like task manager and command prompt (and their mac equivalents, terminal and activity monitor ofc)
how to read and understand a privacy policy and what your personal data is, as well as what it being collected actually means and steps you can take to keep it private
how to understand terms of service
(hey. if you have trouble with reading legalese and worry about being able to understand these policies anyways, here's a site that gives basic summaries of privacy policies and ToS)
what a cookie actually is
internet privacy and your digital footprint!! seriously i dont know why we stopped teaching people that they shouldnt be putting their entire real identity online in a world where your online actions can ruin you irl
basic safety measures like antivirus software (and why you should use it or if the built in one on windows or mac is enough for you) and backing up your computer (also a mac guide)
common keyboard shortcuts (and on mac)
as an additional note: things i think everyone should know on computers and the internet but schools may bit hesitant to teach about for whatever moral/legal standards schools pretend to operate on
vpns and adblockers! (btw for most of these where you can pay for things im purposefully not recommending any specific software but seriously just use ublock origin for an adblocker)
how to not get a virus while pirating something
what a temporary email is and when to use one
red flags that you shouldn't trust a website (and how to quickly check the security of a site)
what javascript on a website does and how to disable it to get around paywalls
ok one last addition! if you want to take it one level higher, i think learning the very basics of at least one programming language is good for people. it makes computers less scary and it makes you feel very cool, and a lot of people get discouraged about it because it seems overly complicated and hard to learn outside a formal classroom setting, so heres some resources for learning the very basics of python (because i consider it the easiest language to learn and knowing one language will make it easier to learn others)
an online compiler so you dont need to download anything or worry about running code directly on your computer if that makes you nervous
a basic video guide to introduce you to python and walk you through beginner steps
a guide to some syntax and commands you should know (this was literally my lifeline in my first CS class)
some performance tasks to give you things to code to practice and assess yourself
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Whenever I get a new hyperfixation I immediately start brewing crossovers with whatever my special interest at the time is. Which is kind of unfortunate because it can result in the most off-the-wall nonsense shit
Anyway I just think it would be fun for Danny to work as Doofenshmirtz’ intern (a PAID intern because he might be evil but he’s not as evil as Major Monogram!)
Danny could technically stop Perry from wrecking Doofenshmirtz’s shit but he just kind of. Doesn’t. It’s not his job to fight off Doofenshmirtz’ nemesis, his job is to troubleshoot Doofenshmirtz’s plans so he stops missing obvious problems
(Vanessa has been lodging complaints)
Danny just wants some formal work experience and Doofenshmirtz was impressed by the things he talked about doing in his parents’ lab and also by his tragic backstory (required)
Doofenshmirtz- also you were the only one that applied
Side effect of this is that Doofenshmirtz starts having to comply with OSHA safety standards because if he doesn’t then Danny refuses to eat lunch at work and Doofenshmirtz doesn’t like it
Doofenshmirtz- I’m not going to give you radioactive food!
Danny- I literally just don’t believe you
And yes Doofenshmirtz DOES immediately start trying to unlock more of Danny’s tragic backstory just because it seems like the thing to do and then proceeds to wheedle him into talking about it during nemesis fights (“You need to communicate!”)
Danny reminds Perry of his boys so they have an unspoken policy of ‘Danny won’t stop Perry and Perry leaves Danny alone’ which Doofenshmirtz appreciates. Perry absolutely realizes that Danny could be a much bigger threat if he wanted to but he also clearly doesn’t want to so Perry’s not really worried about it
Danny doesn’t really interfere either way because honestly the balance these two have going on is impressive. Doofenshmirtz makes his ‘evil’ inventions to work out his trauma and Perry makes sure no one gets hurt from them. No interference needed
This is probably some sort of tragic 18-19 year old Danny that’s really just trying to move on from everything that happened at Amity Park and doesn’t really want to think about it anymore
And yes half of this is just because I think it would be fun for Doofenshmirtz to have a slightly smaller younger assistant with a marginally less tragic backstory
There was a crash, a bang, and a loud whirring that sounded suspiciously like one of Dr. D’s inators firing up. A disappointing and concerning series of sounds considering Danny had just stepped into the other room to find that socket wrench he could’ve sworn he saw on the coffee table.
Another crash and Danny was bolting back into the lab to make sure his boss hadn’t somehow toppled the humongous machine they had been tinkering with for the past seven hours. What he found instead was something his brain could only classify as a ‘scuffle’.
Also a platypus. For some reason. It was wearing a fedora.
Both sets of eyes snapped to him. A tiny teal fist stopping midair on its way to punching Dr. D in the face.
“Oh there you are Danny!” Dr. D exclaimed, his collar still caught in the semi-aquatic egg laying mammal’s tiny fist. “Danny, this is my nemesis Perry the Platypus. Perry the platypus, this is my new intern Danny!” he introduced.
The platypus looked between the two of them before settling a glare on Doofenshmirtz.
“What, he’s paid! Benefits and everything! Tell him Danny!” The platypus raised an eyebrow condescendingly (Do platypi even have eyebrows?? Can they even look Condescending?. Danny didn’t even know at this point.)
“Um,” he cleared his throat. “Yeah, benefits; I get them. A whole hour for lunch, uh four weeks PTO a year. Up to date OSHA compliance..” he listed feeling one hundred percent not at all weird or judged by this tiny teal thing.
“See, Perry the Platypus!” Doof yelled, probably too loud for their proximity but Perry the Platypus didn’t so much as flinch. “I may be evil but I still pay my employees well. That’s better than stuck up Monobrow can say!”
Perry rolled his eyes (Seriously! Could platypi even do that?!?!) and jumped of Dr. D’s chest, stepping back to cross his arms grumpily as if waiting for something. That something soon happened as Dr. D pulled a remote out of his lab coat and pressed a big red button, springing a cage around his nemesis with entirely too much zeal.
“Aha! Perry the Platypus you have fallen for my trap once again!” He shouted. Perry looked very unimpressed and, in fact, rather resigned. Danny got the impression that this was somewhat of a routine for this Mad scientist and-
“Sorry, what are you?” Danny interrupted.
Dr. D looked over at him confused. “He’s a platypus?”
“No no, I got that part but what’s with the fedora?” he pointed.
“Oh, well, how do I explain this-” The Dr. was cut off by the platypus pulling out a pamphlet from his hat and holding it out to Danny. Danny took it.
‘So You’ve Got A New Nemesis!’ It read in bright bold colors. The pamphlet itself outlined the specific of what to expect from a nemesisship as it was so called, and the different regulations that a ‘Secret Agent’ was expected to follow. Danny flipped through it in interest before handing it back to Perry the Platypus who nodded in appreciation and slipped it back into his hat.
Danny turned to Doof. “Is fighting secret agents in my job description?” he asked. He hadn’t seen it on the job listing but he needed to ask in case it was one of those implied duties that all the other jobs he applied to had.
Dr. D looked scandalized. “Of course not! I would not require you to fight my nemesis, you’re just my lab assistant!” He shook his head, “You’re welcome to take your lunch now if you want, this shouldn’t take more than an hour. Now Perry the Platypus, where were we? Ah Yes! Behold! The dead-leaf-crunchinator!”
Danny shook his head as he wandered back to the kitchen where he’d left his bag that morning. He’d already listened to Dr. D rant about how disappointed he got when some fallen leaves gave a less than adequate crunching sound when you stepped on them; and quite honestly, he didn’t need to listen to that again. But he supposed such was to be expected when you answered a job listing for a mad scientist’s lab assistant.
Maybe he’d get sushi for lunch, there was this great place a couple blocks down.
The fucking characters they chose are fucking sending me. Yes let's make a matrix out of the 5 elements. And it works because the five elements are also pretty common radicals. But it's also a matrix made up of THE FIVE ELEMENTS
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Found footage movies that get turned into a series of found footage movies are always so funny. We keep buying cameras and the guys keep getting eaten by ghosts and I said well its seems like you're just feeding journalists to the monsters and then my producer started crying
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
2087
andulkaphoto
dailybridgerton
janainaart
areudirty
baratheonpilled
titsay
