mobilis in mobili!

Astronaut readjusts to life back on Earth

IT’S NOT FUNNY IT’S VERY LOGICAL THAT HE WOULD HAVE ADJUSTED TO LIVING LIFE WHILE HE WAS IN SPACE BECAUSE IT’S DIFFERENT FROM EARTH BUT I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE

Maiden: Yes. I need your help.

Witch: Unwanted baby?

Maiden: No?

Witch: Want someone dead?

Maiden: What? Of course not.

Witch: That's all I know how to do. What do you need?

Maiden: I'm starting to see why you were shunned from the village.

Witch: Yes, I've killed a lot of people. What do you need?

Maiden: There's a pox in the village.

Witch: It wasn't me this time.

Maiden: I know. Can you fix it or not?

Witch: No. I'm not licensed for that.

Maiden: What do you mean you're not licensed for that?

Witch: I got kicked out of the herbalist's coven.

Maiden: For killing people?

Witch: For killing people.

Maiden: Great, now what do I do? There isn't another witch for at least three towns over.

Witch: And he's an enchanter blacksmith type. Makes protective amulets and beefs up swords. Makes really good horseshoes. Can't fix poxes. Makes a mean rabbit stew though. And...

Maiden: And is very good at sex and hard to kill, yes everyone knows that. You tell us repeatedly. Even though we kicked you out.

Witch: It's important. How are you not dead yet, by the way? You're an adult and you haven't bought anything yet so you should be dead by now.

Maiden: I'm not into people that way. Your weird sex based spells don't work on me. That's why I'm the one that came.

Witch: I would branch out but I'm barred from taking more classes at the guild. Because of the murder.

Maiden: Right, well I'm gonna go before you poison me.

Witch: What about the pox?

Maiden: I do have a mild form of it so you've been exposed too. Someone of your age is much more likely to die from it.

Witch: What?

Enchanter: One second. (throws a sword over his shoulder where it crashes into several metal tools and starts glowing)

Enchanter: Okay, what do you need?

Maiden: There's a pox in my town.

Enchanter: (pulls an amulet out of his pocket and holds it over her head)

Enchanter: You don't seem to have it, but it's touched you.

Maiden: I got better. Can you help?

Enchanter: I enchant swords. Why are you visiting me?

Maiden: Because the only witch in our town is...

Enchanter: Wait, don't tell me. Are you from Ravenfalls?

Maiden: Yeah.

Enchanter: Tabatha. Of course. That quack.

Maiden: She only kills people and does abortions.

Enchanter: Oh no she doesn't do abortions. She just drowns babies. I don't even think she knows what a fetus is.

Maiden: Oh.

Enchanter: Yeah. Terrible cook too. Normally herbalists are pretty good at cooking but she's just...

Maiden: The worst. I know. Do you at least know who can help? All of our elders and babies are dropping off like flies. People are strapping chickens to their arms. It's a mess.

Enchanter: (clicks tongue a few times) The nearest guy that specializes in pox is in the mountains. Not the coast range but the big angry looking pointy ones to the east. What were those called again?

Maiden: The Death Mountains?

Enchanter: Yeah, those. Unfortunate name, really. They're almost tolerable in the spring and summer. Don't know why they live there though.

Maiden: Can you teleport me there?

Enchanter: Why do people always ask that? Look I don't know what you've been hearing from Tabatha or traveling merchants but that's not safe for living creatures.

Maiden: Then what do I do? By the time I get back half the population will either be dead or still have birds strapped to their arms.

Enchanter: I hate to suggest this but you could like... with a shapeshifting dragon? And then ask for a wish?

Maiden: I'm not into people or dragons that way.

Herbalist: Come a very long way to see me. I know.

Maiden: How did you...

Herbalist: Everyone says that. Come sit. Do you like tea?

Maiden: I don't have time for tea. My village has a pox.

Herbalist: Which pox?

Maiden: It's mostly affecting older people and it's... purple.

Herbalist: Oh. What shade of purple?

Maiden: Very bright.

Herbalist: Oh, that's not a pox. That's a curse. Or a curse mixed with a usually just annoying pox. Someone in your area has probably pissed someone off.

Maiden: I'm from Ravenfalls.

Herbalist: In that case I think we can both guess who brought forth someone's ire. Who created it though, still remains a mystery. In any case, you can buy this bag of weeds and instruct people to boil them in small batches and inhale the steam. It won't cure anything, but it will most likely help people breathe better, which may help them survive long enough to fight it off.

Maiden: What do I do about Tabatha and the people strapping chickens to their arms?

Herbalist: My dear, some things can't be fixed completely. Plant this all over your town though and Tabatha will most likely avoid you. You can have these for free.

Maiden: I'm not going to bring some magic plant into town unless I know what it is.

Herbalist: Oh, it's not very magic. It's a cedar tree I've enchanted to grow very quickly. She's deathly allergic to cedar wood and pollen.

Maiden: Oh.

Herbalist: I really can't do anything for the chickens though. People will do strange things when they're desperate.

Maiden: Will I ever know who cursed us?

Herbalist: You may or may not. Wile you're here though, would you care to buy a love potion?

Maiden: I'm not into people that way.

Herbalist: You wouldn't fit in at the witches guild then. That's why most of us go in. It's a very good profession for swingers.

Maiden: That's why I went into city government. Well, thank you for all that.

Herbalist: And thank you for visiting. Tell the enchanter that I said hi and tell Tabatha to take a hike for me.

Maiden: Enchanter? What are you doing here?

Enchanter: My name is John.

Maiden: It feels weird to call you that. You're the magic blacksmith I met on my quest.

Enchanter: I understand. So do you know who I'd talk to about renting a lot here?

Maiden: For what purpose? Oh, right. Me. Talk to me about it. I manage Lord Raven's lots and do logging and hunting permits and collect rent and whatnot

Enchanter: I want to set up my shop here. Business is better here for weapons and ever since she moved out, well...

Maiden: Was she after you?

Enchanter: She was under the impression that we were still married.

Maiden: Yes, she definitely was. Well, I think I can set you up. The village will benefit from having a reputable witch nearby. I'll get you in contact with a carpenter and scout out a spot for you.

Enchanter: Wait, I have something for you.

Maiden: An amulet?

Enchanter: For keeping away unwanted romantic advances.

Maiden: (covers her mouth and starts crying just a little bit)

Maiden: Sir, I can't...

Enchanter: You drove away a person that made my life a living hell for years. You saved your town. You drove out a murderer. You went into the Death Mountains in the middle of the winter. Take it.

Maiden: (takes it) John, did I ever tell you when we met that I desperately wanted to become friends with you?

Enchanter: No, but once I'm moved in I think we can give it a try.

🪩 astrofaggot69

hail mary launch today how are we feeling gang?

#i’m gonna miss ilyukina what an icon #enjoy your heroin girl thanks for all the unhinged interviews 🫡 #so sad to hear about dubois and shapiro

3 notes

🖼️ potat-oh-sh1t reblogged

🩻 foucaussy Follow

Okay so I did some research into the new science specialist (Ryland Grace) and he wrote the most insane dissertation possibly ever???

🩻 foucaussy

Some of my favourite parts:

#HELP #ryland grace #project hail mary #space

2,097 notes

🪩 astrofaggot69 reblogged

🎹 jazz-onthemoon Follow

hey remember when they tried to sue eva stratt for breaking every single copyright law and she walked out mid-trial? i’m obsessed with her

🌆 matrixhamlet Follow

OP is obsessed with a dictator who destroyed the ecology of Northern Africa by hiring a murderer to pave the Sahara desert and who literally blew up Antarctica btw

🎹 jazz-onthemoon

god forbid women do anything

🌇 matrixhamlet

STOP calling Stratt a girlboss. People will excuse anything she does under the guise of “feminism” while completely ignoring that she’s a white German woman causing extensive ecological damage that will disproportionately affect people of color. Fuck you and fuck Eva Stratt I hope she goes to prison for life after all this

📜 girl-pentheus Follow

While stratt’s definitely caused environmental damage, both projects you mentioned were in earth’s best interest: the paving of the sahara was to get enough astrophage for the mission that’s literally our last hope for survival (and the countries get to keep the infrastructure afterwards), and antactica was to minimize climate cooling. There’s a lot to question ethically but it’s not as straightforward as you’re making it sound. And yeah this will most heavily impact third world countries but the astrophage crisis was going to do that already??? I just don’t think you can blame the racist structures of the global economy on one woman and frankly people’s tendency to pin everything on her is a bit misogynistic.

Also she’s dutch, not german.

🛤️ muppetmanimeanthey Follow

have we considered that all of the above can be true? stratt is first and foremost privileged as a white woman, but also falls into the “glass cliff” phenomenon — put in a temporary position of

View post

#reblogging this in honour of stratt’s immunity ending #god the notes are a nightmare lol #politics

10,243 notes

🌁 six-seven-of-nine

launch liveblog everybody strap in

🌁 six-seven-of-nine

wait where’s dubois why isnt he with the others

🌁 six-seven-of-nine

THEYRE SENDING MY SIXTH GRADE SCIENCE TEACHER TO SPACE?!?!?!?!?!

#lowkey doxxing myself with this but WHAT #i didnt even know he had a doctorate #i remember seeing his name in articles and thinking it looked familiar but i didnt clock it until they showed his photo just now #edit: he was a great science teacher for all the people asking

6,628 notes

🖼️ potat-oh-sh1t reblogged

🌠 lokkenandbarbie Follow

Okay updated version for the new crew

And don’t come after me with the “oh this is so disrespectful to their sacrifice” bs again, you know ilyukhina would have loved it