in case of emergency, please remain clam

tumblr advertising is suddenly obsessed with my liver. why are you so interested in supporting my liver.

'Mediterranean liver trick' what is your obsession with my liver?!

You've heard of parallel play, now get ready for perpendicular play.

Hot cross buns?

we justifiably give Biden a lot of shit but I think "at least 3" is the funniest possible response to some right wing dipshit asking you how many genders there are

the distortion of "there is potential profit we did not earn" as "there is money we lost" is fascinating and disgusting to me. "megamediaconglomerate lost $1,000,000,000 to piracy this year" is a flat out lie. it is not true. they did not have a billion dollars, that they now do not have. they felt entitled to one billion dollars, that they did not have, and still do not have. it's an infuriating perversion of the truth

cant believe i lost $1000 when i told some guy at walmart to give it to me and he said no

My friends and I all took a “which Jane Austen love interest would you fall for?” and I was like ooh ooh I hope I get Mr. Knightley. But also if they have Henry Tilney on there he’s super underrated and I would get his humor better than Catherine anyway so I want him too. One of my friends said she wanted Mr. Darcy and I was like eh hard pass. Everyone looked at me like I committed sacrilege and I was like look! I love him! As a character! And I think he’s great for Elizabeth! I am really super happy that Elizabeth ended up with him. And also perfectly content to not be Elizabeth because he’s just not for me. And then we took the test and I got Mr. Darcy and one of my friends said “I forgot not liking him was a prerequisite for falling in love with him” and I threw my phone at her (spiritually, not physically, bc phones are expensive)

nosferatu? no. tuferatu. no es mi problema.

no mi circo no mis feratus

i LOVE that half the tags about hans on fanart and meta posts are like "oh to gently feed him sugarcoated flowers inside during a rainstorm" and half are like "IM GOING TO DISEMBOWEL HIM. THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS" because i think henry embodies this duality of hans emotions too. henry is getting 1403 cuteness aggression about hans for SURE. hans does a little yawn and henrys rolling up his sleeves running towards him and Neither of them know whats about to happen next

Similarly, Hans catches Henry doing one of his little self-pep talks once ("courage, Henry!") and he's about to fucking crush him to death. No mercy.

Americans invented tbe worlds burgled and burglars to apply to robberies because the concept of losing their burger is the scariest thing to them

Follow me for more wikipedia ^

The Hamburglar is a reunion of terms

official linguistics post

Younger people, one thing I want you to understand about Millenials is that, overall, our parents taught their daughters to aim for careers and employment, but they didn't teach their sons to keep house. This causes a whole lot of Situations.

Yep.

I’m soooooo embarrassed. My lord told me “good night,” but I thought he was calling me a good knight, and, well, you could hear it clink against my codpiece.

Like. Look. Listen. I have taught introductory quantum physics at a university level, and I need you all to incorporate this into your trans advocacy: There are situations where you need to make a decision to prioritize being comprehensible to your target audience above being The Most Unassailably Correct.

You can try to teach a toddler about germ theory or you can get them to wash their hands because "yucky"