Smooth Fun Facts

Smooth Fun Fact #1500: Even though he has well over 1,000 ideas at the ready, Smooth is pausing his regular writing for the foreseeable future. (Bonus Fun Fact: Purposely stopping every 500 posts, Smooth feels that a periodic pause is always apropos so that he can rest, recharge, and reemerge with fresh reflections meant to amuse the masses. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: With no specified timetable of return, Smooth is open to exploring new creative venues and hopes that his seemingly insatiable need to express himself will someday be assuaged.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1499: In 2020, Smooth bought all his son’s Christmas gifts in November, a month earlier than his traditional holiday procrastination. (Bonus Fun Fact: Perennially plagued with a pension for last-minute present procurement, Smooth got his spending spree completed in advance thanks to extensive quarantine downtime. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Instead of racing around and making panicky purchases, Smooth enjoyed having way less stress during December and replicated a similar shopping schedule the following year.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1498: While opening Xmas gifts in his youth, Smooth’s parents typically had holiday-themed music on as a festive backdrop. (Bonus Fun Fact: Played from an 8-track stereo with an automatic changer, Smooth recalls Bing Crosby’s Merry Christmas, a compilation album of all his yuletide classics, being a particular standout. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Tired of the same overdone songs, Smooth favored the less conventional tunes such as “Christmas in Killarney” and “Mele Kalikimaka”.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1496: In 2020, Smooth spent $87 on holiday gifts for his cats, including an enclosed bed, a tower of tracks toy, a feather on a string, a plush fish attached to a wand, a laser pointer, and numerous balls with bells inside. (Bonus Fun Fact: Despite being showered with surprises on Christmas Day, Smooth’s felines never slept in their new slumber quarters, mostly ignored their chase meowtain, destroyed their dangling playthings, and lost their rolling chimes into the T.V. stand abyss. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: With the light beam stick being the sole successful purchase from the previous year, Smooth bought nothing for his furry kids in 2021 and will only offer them boxes once the contents are removed.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1495: On December 22, 1972, after finally being asked for her hand in marriage by her longtime boyfriend, Mama Smooth agreed to accept his offer if they wed within the next year. (Bonus Fun Fact: Intentionally booking December 22, 1973, for their nuptial day, Papa Smooth picked the furthest date possible and still be within his fiancée’s allotted timeframe. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Many anniversaries later, when asked by his wife if he regretted her matrimony ultimatum, Papa Smooth replied that he was only sorry that he didn’t pop the question sooner.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1494: Being a single parent, Smooth finds the holiday season particularly stressful because he doesn’t have much free time to focus on gift-giving. (Bonus Fun Fact: Since his boy is usually by his side, Smooth must either order items online or sneak in small shopping excursions while his son is stationed at school, baseball practice, or a friend’s house. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Staying up super late on Christmas Eve to wrap toys and prepare stockings, Smooth is always exhausted the following morning and usually needs a midday nap to recover.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1493: As part of his quarantine cleaning project, Smooth discovered roughly 50 empty boxes clogging up his garage’s interior. (Bonus Fun Fact: Planning on using them to eventually transport his deceased wife’s clothing to a homeless shelter, Smooth placed the vacant cardboard containers in an alleyway on the side of his house. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Not accounting for his donation procrastination and the effects of outdoor elements on paper, Smooth’s unoccupied cartons became weathered, filthy, and a useless trash heap that clutters up his property.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1492: On 12/11/21, Star, Smooth’s sweet and snuggly fur baby, blindsided her beloved owner and bludgeoned his face. (Bonus Fun Fact: As he sat upright in bed and played on his phone, Smooth was sucker-punched when his clumsy cat miscalculated her leap from a nearby desk onto his shoulders, panicked upon landing, and scratched his skull in multiple places. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: With his hit-and-run attacker immediately racing out of the room, Smooth fell face first onto his mattress and took a few moments to gather himself before tending to his wounds.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1491: Whenever his dad is dining on something unfamiliar, Son Smooth almost always jokingly asks, “Are you eating shepherd’s pie?”. (Bonus Fun Fact: On 12/18/20, Smooth was legitimately chowing on the crusted meat dish when his boy surprisingly abandoned his standard routine and guessed that his father was ingesting an alternative food. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Upon revealing to his kid that he’d missed his chance to correctly guess his favorite mythologized meal, Smooth laughed hardily as his child shouted in disbelief.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1490: On 12/17/20, with significant coercion from his father, Son Smooth nervously underwent his first COVID-19 test. (Bonus Fun Fact: Despite sizable hesitation from his offspring, Smooth and his boy both got their noses thoroughly swabbed because they’d been potentially exposed to the highly transmittable virus via three degrees of separation. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Receiving double negative results, Smooth was glad to reaffirm their good health and escape with manageable complaints from his persnickety preteen.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1489: On 12/5/21, Smooth’s guest bedroom ceiling fan blade detached from its base bracket while in operation. (Bonus Fun Fact: Out and about for the afternoon with his child, Smooth returned home to discover the disconnected vane on the floor and the unbalanced cooling fixture noticeably wobbling. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Having a previously unproven paranoia about this exact scenario, Smooth was extremely lucky that the rotating paddles didn’t injure him or his son, shatter his windows or skewer his cute cats into kitten kabobs.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1488: For their annual countdown to Christmas, Mama Smooth introduced her children at young ages to the delicious splendor of advent calendars. (Bonus Fun Fact: Spreading holiday magic for the entire month of December, Mama Smooth spoiled her kids by supplying them with a daily dose of milk chocolate hidden behind a miniature paper door. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: As a festive grown-up, Smooth continues the custom of gifting the seasonal day marker with sugary surprises to his son and his friends.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1487: As a young child, Smooth’s very first video game console was made by Texas Instruments, a technology industry pioneer. (Bonus Fun Fact: Mesmerized by the then-groundbreaking graphics and colorful gameplay, Smooth and his sister enjoyed endless hours of screen time chasing enemies, racing vehicles, and avoiding alien attacks. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Owning roughly two dozen titles, Smooth’s favorite arcade adventures were Burger Time, Q-Bert, Parsec, Car Wars, and Hunt the Wumpus.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1486: On 12/12/87, at 10-years old, Smooth attended his first professional wrestling live event at the historic Boston Garden. (Bonus Fun Fact: Taken by his equally enthusiastic older cousins, Smooth sat spellbound and watched gargantuan luminaries such as King Kong Bundy, One Man Gang, and Randy “Macho Man” Savage pseudo-grapple with their opponents. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Figuring that he’d grow into it, Smooth bought a T-shirt way too big for his boyish frame and looked ridiculous for the next half-decade.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1485: (Mama Smooth Week) In the summer of 2019, Mama Smooth moved across the country to babysit her grandson free of charge for three months. (Bonus Fun Fact: Sweetly sacrificing her marriage, creature comforts, and life routine, Mama Smooth entertained her grandchild at parks, playdates, and restaurants while her son was at work. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: Aside from singing her praises via social media posts, Smooth will never be able to fully repay his mother for her willingness to assist his family in their time of need.)

Smooth Fun Fact #1484: (Mama Smooth Week) Twice in her lifetime, Mama Smooth has been trapped inside of an elevator that became immobile. (Bonus Fun Fact: On the first occasion, Mama Smooth lucked out because her co-passenger was a lift repairman and he helped resolve the pulley operation within 15 minutes. Extra Bonus Fun Fact: In the second incident, Mama Smooth’s packed conveyor box was able to escape after her husband pressed the open-door button, which was thankfully still operable.)