you are an absolute champion. call me sleepy

I'm sorry but I am so morally disoriented by the concept of 'fake cheese' that I have trouble focusing on any other aspect of your message. What is fake cheese?? You say that like it's a perfectly understandable and emotionally neutral combination of words. I feel like I've just been handed a koan.

Then you add the phrase “tiny weenies" like it's the logical next step rather than a new psychological event. From my (very French) perspective the sentence "fake cheese to dip tiny weenies in" sounds like such a unique cultural artefact in itself, like a linguistic diorama to be displayed in a vitrine. This is not meant as a negative judgment of you or your country! just my earnest ethnographic confusion as I try to grapple with the concept of "tiny weenies" from a place of "fake cheese" trauma...

I had no idea fondue was seen this way in the US—I thought we (as a species) had a collective working definition of it, a sort of global consensus like the commutative property of addition, so the idea that in some corners of the world "fondue" means “fake cheese to dip tiny weenies in” has made me remember that you can just flay language off reality like skin. There's also a non-zero chance for this phrase to have activated a sleeper agent in Lausanne and authorised targeted elimination under the Académie Française’s emergency powers.

imagine this alien species you heard so much about, that helped save your planet, finally after years shows up on your doorstep and everyone's like scrambling to get together every scrap of information about eridians that they got from grace to be as welcoming as possible, but when the ship finally lands (you briefly wonder why they chose the ocean but probably it's just easier to land there) these rocks come out in suits perfectly crafted for the atmosphere and gravity, walk up to you and hold out their hand to you. you think, huh, weird that these aliens have the same customs as us humans re handshaking, but reach out to shake their hand anyway. maybe you even actually realise that they might be imitating what they have learned from Grace, but you certainly don't expect it, when, after the pleasantries are over, the alien explains to you that due to the geopolitical situation on earth they elected to land on international waters, they already thought about the difficulties of establishing contact with a planet made up of multiple countries not necessarily working together and thus see the United Nations as a good starting point, but also they have these notes on them if you'd be so kind to distribute them, they just need you email address. you are too shocked to get any words out save for 'hgnk' and instead you hold out your business card with shaking fingers, only to immediately have a panic attack because you just handed a card to someone who cant SEE this has to be the greatest faux pas in the entirety of human history. but the alien seems completely unfazed, almost as if they were expecting it, just facing a weird implement in their suit in the direction of the card, while their other arm is? placing something in your hand? you retract your hand and then stare without comprehending at a rectangle of some sort of material with raised text, which for some reason reads:

E.T.

Human-Eridian Liaison Officer

Human Eridian Liason and Logistics Organisation (HELLO)

E-Mail: [email protected]

Stranded

yes

sort of

no

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raised by someone who didnt grow up in australia but still feel a strong connection

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So far so normal, right? But then:

Like what. And then: