Skaiawards

ant research

->change research

Context: For many years now, I have been collecting funny lines from Goodreads reviews to share with my coworkers. (I do collection development, reader's advisory, and weeding at a public library, so I read a LOT of reviews)

Are some of these, perhaps, rather mean? Yes, but they are also very funny, and come from a place of honest frustration. In the tradition of Bargepole threads and lists everywhere, names and titles have been censored.

"First, I want to say that I understand how hard it is to write a book and how amazing it is when it is actually published. Congrats to the author for that accomplishment. That said--"

"Warning: This review will be lengthy due to pure hatred."

"I found myself feeling really, really annoyed with the world that this book is allowed to exist. We live in a universe where the passenger pigeon is extinct but this book goes along merrily being read by unsuspecting lovers of words and ideas and stories? It just seems like too much, you know?"

"Don't do it. Don't spring the cash for the hardcover. Instead, eat an entire bag of Twizzlers, spend some money you don't have at a high-end department store, look up on Facebook the shady college boyfriend that made you cry, research the current value of your home or 401K and then read all about how the big hedge fund managers are faring during the economic crisis. You'll feel about the same stomach pain if you waste your time reading this book."

"This wretched novel begins with the mugging of an old lady and it appears I may be in the process of repeating that loathsome crime as [author] was 78 when she wrote it. It is not nice to put the boot into such a poor defenseless old creature lying there with only a damehood, a Booker Prize and a few million quid. It’s a nasty job but somebody has to do it."

"I think this is the way dead people would write, if they could."

"I am considering setting up SPABB: Society for the Protection of Accurate Book Blurb. This blurb appears to have been written by someone from the publishers who met [the author] the night before, got very drunk, lost his notes and then constructed something in a fug of hangover the next morning."

"I congratulate [the author] on the early half of his book, which was thoroughly fun and made me laugh and think. I congratulate [the author] on the second half of his book, for finishing it. It reads like that was difficult."

"…a woman whose taste in contemporary literature has roughly the same batting average as a pitcher in the National League."

"The author is a pompous windbag."

"Recommends it for: No one. Recommended to me by: A friend who apparently wished to cause me great suffering."

"Makes me wonder: is it possible to obtain similes at a volume discount?"

"The repeated phrases made me want to mail a thesaurus to the author."

"I'm disappointed in myself for finishing this book."

"if the author described [character's] eyes as "obsidian" one more time I was tempted to write her and ask if her thesaurus broke."

"They say that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters would, if given infinite time, eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. [This book], on the other hand, would probably take the average monkey just under two hours."

"I can't imagine what the author had to do to get this nadir of Western literature printed on innocent trees, but he does seem to know a LOT about being well-connected in New York."

"This book is so bad it is almost worth reading just to make you appreciate the other books you are reading."

"Reads like it was written by a brilliant author, the night before it was due."

"raises interesting questions, like: can a book be so bad as to constitute an act of terrorism"

"has this author ever spoken to a human woman"

"This acorn has fallen so far from the tree that it can’t even see the forest."

"I’m guessing they are touted as ‘beach reads’ because no one will care if they get dropped into the ocean."

"This book begins with all the energy of a hand vacuum near the end of its battery life, and the pace doesn't quicken much from there."

"At least everybody’s eyes stayed the same color this time around.”

Part 2

-The Gorons export ore and import labor from other states. the upheaval didn’t impact them too much outside of the unplanned workers strike (aka Ganondorf getting them addicted to meth). If Link sold duped ore to the point that every random traveling tradesman has 50+ diamonds it would devastate the already-fragile economy for them.

-Now admittedly they could export their labor force for infanstructure such as building and paving roads, but Hyrule as a whole doesn’t seem to have a need for paved roads just yet. If they had more established trade routes between towns, maybe. So they’re in a bottleneck until everyone else buckles down.

“What about the other races?” Well, okay, to an extent maybe, but the other races have more diverse resources…

-The zora export fish and artisan work. The had their land decimated by the sewage contamination but are now working on reclamation and remediation. Since sewage is washed away downstream and eventually becomes healthy floodsoil for the rest of hyrule, they’re doing alright. If Link duped fish it would be OK because most people catch fish anyway- it’s not like the fish in Zora’s domain are anything special, they’re just the only guys selling them. Their real export is in beautifully crafted and light weapons. Link duping fish is fine, since he mostly eats them.

-The Rito are currently in a slump rn, recovering from a famine and a blizzard. But they’re on the circumstances to export wheat and millpower. The other states have sent aid to hopefully make sure the supply of flour doesn’t diminish, as all regions of hyrule depend on them for mill power. They also seem to export their hardwood with millpower also. That’s what all the windmills are for! Their only consistent customer is Hudson Construction (funded by Zelda) currently, but as more and more people start to expand out of their home villages they’ll sell more hardwood. Link duping anything cannot hurt them.

-The Gerudo are actually one of the bigger importers in Hyrule, but their exports are their labor force consisting of well trained warriors patrolling for Yiga spies.Their other export is glass, cloth, and jewelry, to a lesser extent. The cloth is woven from the fibers from the desert so it’s heat resistant and durable. Link cannot dupe anything that will hurt them, except maybe ore for their jewelry but that seems to be a niche market.

-Kakariko *used* to have a monopoly on veggies, but have since lost their foothold in that market due to the devastation caused by a Bunch Of Fucking Rocks Falling On Their Village. But good news! They have a monopoly on university/education and make their money that way. Selling their veggies also supplements their income for the Zonai Research Team’s uniforms. Link duping anything cannot hurt them.

-Hatano has the cloth from Gerudo imported and makes high end fashion with them, along with their new veggie market. They used to soley export rice but now have more diverse exports now that trade is more common between them and the outside world. Plus cheese! They have cheese now! A total monopoly on cheese! They are so far from the rest of Hyrule that exporting their veggies has become a bit of an issue, but the Horse Stable Association has helped with that (more on that in a bit). Link duping Sunny Pumpkins can hurt them in theory but since he’s the only one eating them it’s fine.

-Lurein villiage is primarily tourism, but they also export rice and fish to a lot of the stables in the region. It seems to be a very regional phenomenon though, because the only access point for most travelers to get there is roundabout way swarming with monsters (you almost have to go to Hatano to get there!) or Bridge of Hylia, which currently has a Fucking Gleeock in the center of it. Link duping anything cannot hurt them except for the fish, which again he’s the only one that eats them anyways.

-Lookout Landing is a military base but will eventually become a center of trade once the local militia/Link clears out those monster forts once and for all. They will need a lot of imports to rebuild Castle Town and the Castle itself (Which will be extra tricky since there’s a big fucking chasm around the whole thing, but that does seem to be an end goal for the Hylians regardless). Since it’s funded by Zelda, who presumably has near unlimited funding due to her status as a Princess, access to the royal treasury, and Link’s ability to dupe things neigh unlimited as long as they can fit in his pocket, they don’t need to worry about exports currently. It also helps that Zelda is very personable and people genuinely like her and want to help her! Link duping anything cannot hurt them.