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@sincerelychie
When you wish you could cry to release some of the deep sadness you’re feeling but you are actually completely numb and incapable of forming tears so you just have to sit and wait for the feeling to pass without feeling any release or comfort whatsoever.
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I am having these episodes of anxiety and depression again right now. Previously, the psychologist was asking me some events that Iㅡwell everybody I guessㅡbelieved that it all happened but haven't rememebered when or how it really happened. I can't picture out ertain events in my mind so I have doubts if it really did existed. But lately, pictures of event suddenly came out in my mind, I remembered some people, I remembered the feelings I felt at that moment, I was really drowning into these memories that I previously can't remember but now, here they are, wanting me to remember, wanting me to believe they are really there, right at my subconscious mind, hiding, repressed. These bottled uo emotions that I chose to forget feels like it's haunting me. I need not to feel. I need to divert these feelings into something that is easy to deal with. The only choice I have right now is to cut myself...again. It's been a week since I stopped cutting myself, in any parts of my body. I felt tired and sick most of the time. Maybe, I need to do it tonight, later. Let us all have a good dinner.
I feel so damn empty and out of place and I hate that the only thing I have at night to comfort me is my loneliness and the only thing I feel surrounding me is darkness. I hate it all.
I don’t think people really understand what it is like to be given a life sentence of pain, especially when you are so young. To know that every day, happy or not will be punctuated with pain, every birthday, wedding day, funeral. What it means to know that the one most reliable part of your life will always be pain.
I have a problem with letting go of things with clenching my hands like a vice and holding on despite everything. It’s why i keep all my memories with me, carry them in my phone, on my walls, in the little box inside my closet, even though it’ll always remain closed. I have a hard time letting go, of people, of memories that no longer ring true, i clutch them like i’d be bereft without them, the conversations with people i don’t speak to anymore, the photos i want to pull down from my walls, the memories i no longer want to recall, i never allow myself to mourn, i hoard them and keep them close and i just can’t seem to let go.
I no longer want to meet new people because i’m afraid one day all they’ll ever be are memories that i want to revisit, redo, ones that i want to stay in forever and would forever regret. Memories that i would never let go of, but memories, nevertheless.
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To the guy who isn't worth it..
Damn, dude. That girl must really love you. After everything you've put her through, she's still willing to be there for you. After everything you've done to her, she's still willing to try with you. After everything you've made her feel, she's still willing to make it work with you.
What does that mean to you? Doesn't that tell you that you should be a better man? Shouldn't that prove to you that she's real? Even with the broken trust you've caused her to have, she still wants to rebuild trust with you. Even with the broken personality you've caused her to develop, she still wants to find a way to be happy around you. Even with the broken heart you've caused her to carry, she still wants to see the good in you.
A girl like her is so hard to be found and even harder to keep. And you? You've shown her that you are undeserving and unworthy of her on so many occasions and yet, you are still the one guy she can't see herself without. She has nothing but selfless love for you where as long as you're happy, she doesn't care if she's miserable because seeing you happy is all she wants.
Well, I think she's been miserable at your expense for long enough and it's time you man up to make her happy like you used to because she still believes that you could. Don't make her think she was wrong about you.
I hope this is the last time I'm gonna cut myself. I just hope.
Iced coffee is my life. Sorry.
I just had this moment:
I get praised for being so self-aware about my mental health, but I’m self-aware because I can dissociate to the point I can objectively look at myself, so I’m being socially rewarded for being mentally ill, and since I have an attachment disorder that makes me seek attention in unhealthy ways and incapable of forming healthy relationships. I don’t want to get better because it will take away one of the only sources of attention I get.
“Coffee is a lot more than just a drink; it’s something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup.”
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"You say that I'm paranoid but I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me. It's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy. I know I'm not the center of the universe but you keep spinning 'round me just the same."
To the man who will never see my worth..
I won’t be there for you anymore when you are bored. No more midnight calls and sweet messages. You won’t hear my sleepy voice again when you call me at 3 A.M. while I am fast asleep. I won’t beg you anymore to listen to what am I saying because it is so boring for you. Some of your stories are dull too but I enjoyed every bit of it. You will never hear me laugh again while you crack your silly jokes. Yes, I won’t be there for you anymore.
Just so you know, it is so hard for me to do this. I’ve spent many nights overthinking on how to stop thinking about you. I’ve shed bucket of tears everytime you made me feel so disliked. I’ve wrote lots of poems just to express my pain of being ignored by you. But I want you to know that it ends here. No more overthinking. No more tears every night. And for my future poems, they won’t be about you anymore. I’m letting my feelings go because it is slowly killing my soul. I’m losing my happiness that is used to burn so brightly inside me.
Thank you for making me realize that I deserve better. Thank you for making me question my self-worth, I am working on it. Thank you for letting me enter your life even if it is just the outermost layer while I’ve let you touch my core. But the one thing I‘ve wanted to thank you the most is you triggered the poet in me, so thank you.
For the last time, I want to say sorry. Sorry for being so clingy and needy. Sorry if I assumed that you like talking to me everytime that’s why I called you every chance I’ve got. Sorry if I’ve fell to deep in this pool of emotion when all you’ve wanted is to chill and just enjoy the heat of the sun. I am so sorry.
Someday, I know someone will enter my life and loves being in it. Someone will enjoy listening to my stories about the books I’ve read and the songs I like. Someone will call me just to know how is my day going and will cheer me up if it is not so well. Someone will text me good morning and good night with a smiley. Someone will appreciate my poems and beg me to make more. It is so heartbreaking that you never did but someday, I know someone will see my worth.
Sorry for not being enough. I love you. I won't say good bye, instead, see you again. Thank you.
"I love you too much to let you think that I can live without you."
La Belle Personne.
Dumb boys! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧
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Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.
I know, this is a boring page, a boring blog, a dark and sad site. We are all here to scream out all our sadness, frustrations, and disappointments in life through writing. We all get tired of talking. Sometimes, it's better to express everything in words. Because sometimes, pain demands to be felt, to be visible and substantial, like, put it in a song or poem, write it in a piece of paper or just type it in your memo. We all get hurt. We need an escape for a while. We need to take deep breaths. We need to wake up again and live.
But I am really tired of living. Waking up everyday knowing that I am alive is a struggle for me. What have I done in my past life to deserve to be born again? I am tired of everything. I am tired of the people around me, those people who left me. Those people who promised me of staying forever didn't even had a half chance in forever.
I want to move forward. Opening and coming back to tumblr is my choice of coping up...hopefully.