Every cloud has a silver lining...
For the longest time, I thought I was the only one struggling. I mean, I know everyone struggles and there are people who have it way worse than me but sometimes I think we all feel like weâre alone in our battles...
It doesnât help that itâs rare for me to meet new people, let alone people who are willing to accept someone with anxiety as complicated as mine. Recently, my anxiety blew a situation completely out of control and it made me feel like all the progress to be a happier, calmer, more confident person over the past 15 months was suddenly non-existent--a waste...
15 months ago I laid to rest for the final time a very difficult, toxic 4-year relationship. It was full of abuse, lies, and delusions. I spent 15 months making sure I would never let a relationship or what someone else thinks of me define my happiness and I thought I had finally reached that point. Then I went on my first date since and all of that progress suddenly felt in vain...
The guy was nice and we had fun but when I came clean about my anxiety disorder he told me he had too much on his plate and didnât feel well equipped to be the person I would need. While he has the right to make such a decision, I was a little hurt since, in the time we had hung out and talked, I hadnât shown any anxiety. I had only told him because I want someone who would accept me knowing sometimes I get scared about little things or need someone to talk to every now and then. I mostly manage fine on my own and I wasnât asking him to suddenly be my rock but I guess he freaked out and just like that, I felt not only rejected but unwanted...
I sat in my bed crying, heart pounding and head spinning and I felt a sudden urge to dig my nails into my shoulders to release the frustration. Something stopped me though and instead I picked up my phone and called someone I would never I expected to reach out to...
I had had a crush on this friend for a year and a half but seeing as he appeared right as my toxic relationship ended, I decided not to pursue it. He was kind, considerate, compassionate, patient, understanding, and funny. I didnât know him very well but he somehow always managed to bring a smile to my face even when I just wanted to be sad and angry...
When he answered, I sat there conflicted. I had just been rejected by someone I had barely known and I was about to unleash everything on an unsuspecting friend? All he could hear was my crying on the other end of the phone...
âAre you okay?â brought me out of my silence. I sniffed back sobbing tears and thought about lying but before I could I just cried, âNo, Iâm not...â and expecting him to be annoyed or freaked out, I told him to forget about it but he asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it...
In five minutes, I was smiling ever so faintly as my friend told me about how just moments before I called him, he had been struggling with his own insecurities. He told me about his own social phobias and anxieties and I sat in awe as he continued to make sure I was okay. We talked about all sorts of things but mostly the psychology and philosophy about why we are the way we are and there was something so comforting in talking to him...
He told me how he could see how confident I had become and how compassionate I was. He saw my concern for my friends and willingness to help. He told me how he thought I had it so easy from the outside but he was set at ease a little bit knowing I wasnât perfect. Funnily enough, he made it look easy from my point of view. He was just always so optimistic and observant and considerate I wouldnât have imagined he felt just as nervous or inferior...
My point is, there are people out there who care and who will listen. You never know what someone else is going through and sometimes it can change the world of another by telling them youâre not perfect. Be there for someone and love someone flaws and all...
Also, sorry for the long post but I really wanted to share my story.
