#hypochondria

tw for hypochondria and medical anxieties!!! //

you shake matt awake at two in the morning.

“matt,” you mumble, shaking his shoulder gently, “maaatt,” you try again, “baby, wake up, it’s important.”

it’s not that matt doesn’t believe you, or doesn’t care or doesn’t have any concern for your health, it’s just that as he lifts his head from the pillow, blinking away sleep, he seriously doubts that.

you’ve woken him up late at night before, scared that you’re dying. you got a root canal when you were younger and when you’re stressed, you clench your jaw, so that spot hurts. matt remembers dating you for a few months, then getting woken up late at night by your sobs as you tried to wrap your head around a potential infected abscess in that tooth.

matt couldn’t tell you at the time, but he knew it wasn’t an infection. he listened really closely and knew there was nothing flowing in the empty space beneath the replacement crown you had in the back of your mind.

at the time, he had kissed your tears away, given you some ibuprofen and told you to get some sleep, that if you were still in pain in the morning, he’d get you to the dentist, but there was nothing the two of you could do about it so late at night. he held you tight until he could tell by your heartbeat that you’d fallen asleep. of course the next morning, you felt much better.

this had happened a few times over the course of your relationship. you, overthinking, would make yourself even worse off by imagining all the horrible things every little ailment could be. a pain in your nail was accused of being ingrown, a bump in your mouth was accused of being cancerous, and ringing in your ears was tinnitus (okay, that one actually was tinnitus, so your hypochondriac tendencies weren’t always unfounded)

but no matter how many times matt had found himself woken up after a long night of being daredevil, he couldn’t find it in himself to be mad at you. you were scared, you just needed to be reassured. it was his job as your boyfriend to gently talk you off the ledge, get you to rest, and deal with it in the morning.

“what is it, honey?” he asks and you bite your lip.

“nothing, it’s stupid, i’m sorry.”

matt lets out a deep chuckle, one that makes your head spin. his voice is thick with sleep, and he rests his cheek back on his pillow, head tilted towards you.

he sleeps in nothing but his boxer briefs, and right now, he’s sleeping on his stomach, arms around his pillow. his hair is messy, and the lights of nighttime in hell’s kitchen barely illuminate his features. his back is the sexiest thing about him, especially in this pose. you can just make out the shape of his nose.

“i’m already up, sugar. what’s up?” he yawns. you melt. sugar is his ‘i’m too tired to not be horrifically in love with you, you’re not bothering me and i would do anything for you’ nickname.

“my tongue looks weird.” as soon as you say it, you’re embarrassed.

“looks weird how?” it’s been a while since matt has seen a tongue, but he knows how one should look.

“like.. it’s got weird edges.” you try to explain, “like the sides of my tongue have a squareness to them.”

matt runs through all the likely possibilities, before deciding on,

“i think that can be a sign of clenching your jaw. driven by stress.” which, you know you suffer from. “maybe we should look into getting you a mouth guard.” his words are laced with sleep, and you slink down into the bed, curling into his side. one arm removes itself from his pillow to wrap around you, pulling you close so he can inhale your scent.

“i’d look like a dork.” you grumble, and matt smiles sleepily.

“somehow, i don’t think i’d mind.” it makes you half laugh, half scoff.

“i’m serious.”

“so am i.” he kisses your shoulder. “if you think it’ll help you sleep through the night, you can at least try it. whatever’s gonna make you the most comfortable.” he promises, and you melt like ice cream.

matt’s pretty much the only person who never dismisses your anxieties about your health, instead trying to gently help you to overcome them.

“thank you, matthew.” you kiss whatever patch of skin your lips can reach. he hums in response, already falling back asleep.

googling my symptoms is the mind-killer

googling my symptoms is the little death that brings total spiraling

i will close the tab

i will permit my obsessive thoughts to pass over me and through me

and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path

where the obsession has gone there will be nothing

and only i will remain

health anxiety is convincing yourself you're going to throw up in the middle of the class because you felt slightly nauseous earlier

health anxiety is believing you have heart problems because yours beats slightly faster than the average and that it skips beats sometimes, despite not having any other worrying symptom

health anxiety is being scared of taking public transports because you're scared you'll get an asthma attack during your route

health anxiety is convincing yourself you have a brain tumor because your neck is sore and your head feels heavy everyday, even if you know it's probably caused by your awful posture

health anxiety is believing you're going to die because you get random muscle pain, despite them not even being that bad

health anxiety is being convinced you have breast cancer because you thought you felt a lump while checking once

health anxiety is declining hangouts with friends because you're scared you'll get symptoms outside and thus staying home is less risky

health anxiety is being afraid of taking your glasses off when you shower because it reminds you that seeing things blurry could be caused by something else than regular eye defects

health anxiety is not bothering washing your hair so often or doing any skincare because you can't bear staying with your own thoughts more than 2 minutes

health anxiety is not being able to relax any day of the year, no matter where you are, no matter who you're with, because you'll always get symptoms

health anxiety is being unable to fall asleep because you're scared you're going to die in your sleep

health anxiety is being afraid you might be ill because when you get the flu your nose bleeds a little bit

health anxiety is fearing you have a lung infection because you coughed once today

health anxiety is being afraid of going to uni because staying away from your family makes you think no one will be able to help you if you have a problem

health anxiety is being afraid of checking all of that with a doctor because you're too afraid to know if you really have an illness

health anxiety is being terrified of everything that happens to your body

health anxiety is doubting the opinion of professionals because you just "know" they missed something

health anxiety is being so tired of living like this but being terrified of dying at the same time

I will not google my symptoms, I am perfectly healthy.

I will not google my symptoms, I am perfectly healthy.

I will not google my symptoms, I am perfectly healthy.

I will not google my symptoms, I am perfectly healthy.