the random stuff area

No—it’s because one thing Ilya knows is two things for certain. One: Shane is the best. THE best. Ilya talks a big game and he can back it up because he’s a generational talent in his own right, sure, but he is not Shane Hollander. He teases his husband and calls him “second best player in the league” because it gets Shane in a mood that always leads to fun (and that’s business that stays between Ilya, several ruined sets of sheets, and the thin walls of multiple hotel rooms). When you get down to it, he’s the famous and amazing Ilya Rozanov, yes, but that’s…that’s Shane Hollander. Shane “break the internet, top two and I ain’t number two” Hollander. Shane Thee Hollander.

Two: despite being Shane Thee Hollander, first of his name, baddest of bitches, and the Beyoncé of their field (and a cutie patootie on top of all that), Shane is not loud about his accomplishments—and Ilya thinks he should be. Shane lets the accomplishments speak for themselves. He achieves, breaks records, wins and wins and fucking wins some more, and just keeps going. He’s a force of nature. Ilya thinks his husband should have an opportunity to be loud, braggadocious, and downright obnoxious if and when he wants because, again, he’s Shane fucking Hollander.

So when Shane starts off a conversation with “I’m going to say something kind of mean,” Ilya rolls out the proverbial red carpet. Talk your shit, baby. I’m all ears.

“He’s really confident for someone with such low shooting accuracy.” Exactly. The nerve of him to even breathe your air, much less chirp at you.

“…but if I showed up in that outfit, Twitter would never let me hear the end of it!” You’re so right. He looked awful.

“Fuck him! And not in the good way!” Yup! Say it again! Matter of fact, let me get you a microphone.

“I love Hayden—as a friend, Ilya, Jesus—but maybe a vasectomy is a good idea.” I’d put ten babies in you if I could, but you’re still absolutely right about this. Jackie’s had enough.

“I respect Scott, but he’s not exactly in his prime, you know?” Scott is a dinosaur. It’s a miracle that he dodged the asteroid and made it this long without turning into dust. We should call and tell him ourselves.

“Our wedding was better.” Of course it was. I got to marry you. Any event with you at the center is the best. All the others are bullshit.

“I’m not taking that shit from some fucker with a receding hairline and no points for an entire season. Pick a struggle, asshole.” We should book him a flight to Turkey for one of those procedures. Can’t fix the other thing, though.

obviously shane hired a travel agent to create The Optimum Vacation, but he also studied and approved everything and also has custody of all important documents just because it makes HIM feel better and in control

meanwhile ilya?? straight elevator music. where are they going? unclear. when's the flight? not his concern. how long are they staying? who's to say. where's his passport? his husband has both of theirs.

Ilya's "boring" folder has pictures of Shane with his shirt open lying on a hotel bed and grinning up at the camera, freckles on full display. he's got one of Shane blatantly in the midst of a fit of giggles. there's another where he's bright red in the face, looking at the camera through his fingers, clearly horribly embarrassed but smiling about it. he's got one of Shane glaring at him as Ilya waves his foot in Shane's face. he's got one that's just Shane looking out of a hotel window at a nighttime cityscape. it's surprisingly artistic. there's one of Shane on the deck at the cottage just looking over at Ilya with a small smile on his face.

Shane's folder is titled like "house documents" or something similarly boring and unsuspecting, and in there he's got pictures of Ilya making ridiculous faces. he's got one of Ilya dramatically fake crying at the score of a round of mario kart. he's got one particularly good selfie of Ilya with a cigarette in his mouth that he will never admit he finds hot. he's also got one of Ilya in sunshine at the cottage, curls backlit and glowing, with the widest, goofiest smile that he never uses in public.

there's one they've both got saved. in that photo, Ilya has thrown Shane over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. He's holding onto him by the ass, making a face like he's just won a wrestling match, and Shane is red in the face and clearly laughing hysterically. it's not very platonic.

and then the photos leak. there's a phone hack of multiple top level athletes and various celebrities, and the pictures end up online.

the media goes nuts, obviously. everyone goes nuts, because what the fuck is this? what's up with all of these obviously intimate photos going back years of these two guys who are supposed to hate each other? but the thing is, none of the photos are actually explicit or obvious. theyre not like, normal heterosexual dude friend photos, but there's nothing explicitly romantic or sexual in any of them. so the 12 hollanov rpf shippers obviously go crazy (and the much more numerous shayden shippers have a meltdown) but the media runs it as "best friends?" and "closer than they seem" and "guys being bros" and all that. and honestly, the media is taking it surprisingly well. there's a bit of "traitors" and "rivalry was fake?" uproar, but that mostly stays out of the headlines because everyone likes a feel good friendship story, especially when one media outlet compares to a snake being friends with a mouse.

their teams, however, do not find it so funny. because it's easy for a journalist or a fan who has never met Shane or Ilya to say that this is bro shit, even if the fireman's carry pic has people raising eyebrows, but their teammates know them. Shane's teammates in particular know that Shane is NOT this touchy feely. add to that the way he famously never goes home with any girls, and, well. things become obvious.

Ilya's team are a bit more chill, because ilya IS a pretty tactile and effusive guy. mostly they just want to know why he never said that Hollander is cool - though there are a couple who start looking at him sideways because of all this. Overall, though, Ilya's team doesn't get nearly so suspicious. he's got that ladies man shield and he's always had some weirdly close relationships with his friends - he does this kind of stuff with svetlana. "I mean, sure, he has occasional sex with her, but hollanders a dude, so obviously Roz isn't fucking him, haha." heteronormativity is a powerful shield if you've been playing the game "right". Ilya's image with the team doesn't change much, but Shane becomes a gay pariah almost immediately.

Shane and Ilya obviously have to make a statement of some kind and this is where they run into trouble because the media has basically already decided that they're secret besties - very helpful of them, thanks for the cover - but their teams know that something is up. the metros know that something is up. Shane hasn't come out to them but theyve put two and two together and they're icing him out already. And so between their teams and the increasingly interested rpf shippers, they're under even more scrutiny than they were even at the peak of the rivalry frenzy. every interaction is over analysed, every face off is zoomed in on. someone realises that when they check each other into the boards they're always grinning, have done that for years, and "hollanov proof" compilations start popping up like weeds. and these start to get noticed.

what do you even do in that situation? the only obvious solution is to distance yourselves. but they've just agreed to the Ottawa plan. they were trying to get CLOSER. they've got a public friendship, like they wanted, but its not going to plan at all and it might even be worse than before.

I think we're sleeping on the idea of baby shane who has been skating since he could barely walk, doing this specifically with HOCKEY penalties.

*yuna and david fighting for their LIVES not to laugh* "what word, baby?"

"i said" *look around for witnesses and lean in to whisper* "frick" *big eyes to make it clear how serious this is* "that's a five minute penal-y"

david because yuna is having to hide her laugh by pressing her face into his shoulder: "well, buddy, go on then"

but.

he does throw out what HE thinks is a statement about them maybe being more than hookups and would shane want to do that. but he couches it in SO much protective language so he can "haha got you" if shane reacts badly that shane doesn't. actually. catch what he meant.

so what ilya was saying was, "hey, what if we tried out being just a little bit more than casual? i like being with you, and last night was really fun. maybe we see if we can have that more often?" with an overture of like. maybe friends with benefits. because he's not ready to admit to himself or shane that he wants to be dating-dating, but he and svetlana are best friends who fuck. he and shane could also be friends who fuck. and it's definitely FRIENDSHIP he feels for shane. just friendship. and if it's friendship that's maybe dating a little bit, well...do you wanna?

but what SHANE got out of this is, "it was fun to stay over, and the morning sex was really great. do you want to start staying over with each other when we can so we can do it again?" and the First Name Fiasco didn't happen, and shane's had a little time to settle into this new level in a way that's made it pretty comfortable, and he LOVES clear plans. how nice. :) we can make this agreement now and not have to discuss it each time in the future. :) now he'll know exactly what to expect each time. :) his very casual fuckbuddy will just stay over, and he'll stay over at his place, and now they've made this plan very clear. :)

(jesus christ, shane)

and emboldened by shane being so amiable in his agreement, ilya hits him with a, "see you in the rink, shane," as he's leaving, and shane *surprise blink* as he processes, but before he can freak out, ilya finds his expression so cute that he HAS to tease him, so hits him with a, "sorry you're about to lose, but at least you had a good night before, yes?" and oh you MOTHERFUCKER >:). okay. first name is just part of the teasing. alright. "in your fucking dreams, ilya." and what shane means is "you wanna play mind games, i'll play mind games, pal" but what ilya got was "yeah, i'm moving with you here and first names are good now."

so moving forward, ilya bit by bit settles into them dating (and yes, with time, it is accurate to call it that). and HE thinks shane is operating under the same, "let's see if we can be something more together" exploration, so he assumes that shane going along with it. and from shane's pov, ilya is suddenly texting a lot and using his first name, and it's really nice, but kind of confusing, but also he had that upsetting call about his dad?? so maybe stuff is just hard at home and he just needs a friend?? and he doesn't know if they're friends, per se, but maybe shane is just a safe place to have other secrets live, too?? what's "hey, i'm having a hard time with my family and just need someone to send dumb memes back and forth with" between two ultra-secret fuckbuddies, after all?

and rose does enter the picture at some point, but things with ilya are good, and he does like rose and part of him wonders if he should try out dating her, but even if he and ilya aren't A Thing...it's really nice with him right now. and shane knows that dating someone else would mean giving it up because he wouldn't feel right fucking around and cheating. so he and rose do end up becoming friends (and because they text regularly, shane even sends ilya a text that night of, "I think I'm friends with a celebrity now?? do I get cool points for that??" and gets a "no, you get cool points for nothing ever. you are too uncool. you are uncool black hole where cool points go to die." "okay, fuck you. i was going to ask if you wanted anyone's autograph, but just for that, fuck you, asshole. 🖕" "what if i want yours?" "why do you want mine?" "you are my favorite celebrity. ❤️" "i thought i was boring." "yes, you are famous for how boring you are. is really quite impressive." *devolution into sexting and then video calling for sex*), but that's it.

until rose increasingly sees shane smiling at his phone when they're hanging out and manages to teasingly coax it out of him by dropping hints and comments and finally just going, "you don't have to tell me, but if it's because she's actually a he, that's okay, shane." so shane has his realization of yes he's gay, and also yes, he's in love with ilya. and obviously he and ilya have never really had a conversation about it (jesus christ, shane), but maybe?? he would be interested?? they get along really well and shane likes being with him, and they know by now that they're really good sharing space and being together. and you know what? fuck it. he's going to be brave and do it. he's going to ask ilya if he wants to try dating each other.

he walks in, knows immediately that shane is nervous about something, and then shane hits him with a, "i wanna have a talk about something i've been thinking about," and ilya internally is just feeling a little sick because is this a breakup?? why??? what did he do??? things have felt SO good between them???? but externally he's just "okay"

and then shane proceeds in this talk about how things have felt different (ilya: ??? did he miss something??? things have felt so good??) and he thinks ilya has felt that way, too, ("shane, i haven't-") no, no, let him finish, please. he knows this started out as just casual, but it doesn't feel casual anymore. (...???? uh...yeah???) and would ilya maybe want to be something more? if they could? (..i-is this?? about to be a proposal???? "well, yes...") really?? would you maybe even want to-want to be...exclusive? ("you think i haven't been exclusive with you?") well, you have a reputation, and it's not that shane judges you for that but- ("i'm your boyfriend, and you think i would cheat on you??") ...

...

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

the reporter obviously knows he's not serious (...mostly) but plays along with "what kids?" and ilya just ☝️ as he pulls out his phone and starts looking through, and everyone is like "surely not...bUT WHAT IF", and then he goes "ah! here", and holds out his phone

and it's a picture of anya and luca haas

ilya REALLY likes rolex watches and this is easier than having to go to the mall when he wants a new one

he had to find out hollander's skincare routine SOMEHOW

he tried to seduce him over to boston, but shane wouldn't give up poutine, and by then he'd already invested too much time to call it

Shane grew up a Centaurs fan and was really invested in making the team better. Obviously, the best way to achieve that was to seduce the best hockey player in the league and convince him to move to Ottawa.

like no!! he was that way the entire time!! you all just lacked The Vision!!! the dry humor was there the whole time for those with the eyes to see!!!

Ilya: If you don't stop fidgeting like this, people will think I am selling you drugs.

Shane: Wait what???

Ilya: Honestly, Hollander, do you really think anyone who sees you coming to my room would think we are fucking? That's mental. Nobody would think that. Just look at us. We don't look gay in the slightest. We play the straightest sport out there come on. Nobody will suspect anything unless they catch you with my dick in your mouth.

Shane: ...ok I kinda see your vision.

Ilya: You don't look paranoid, they will think we wanna drink or play videogames, god dammit. You chill now?

Shane: I'm chill now, get your dick out.