Writing Some Stuff

Been a hot minute since I’ve posted about this cutie 🥺

GIF creds to owner❤️

I did not edit or spell check this, so god pls forgive me😂

White laced gown, navy blue accents with a hint of maroon in the flower bouquet, champagne pink included into the reception hall and our gowns; I mean this wedding was like my dream come true.

I signed the guestlist for my friend's wedding, Adam and Alissa had been together for years, been my friends since college, so this was a long time coming.

“It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” Calum’s voice shocked me, I turned around slowly to see him dressed in a white button up and black slacks. “It looks just as amazing as someone else does right now.” I look him up and down as he was standing in front of me. He rolls his eyes and reaches out for me.

I hug him the best I can without smearing my makeup on his shirt, him and Alissa would kill me both.

“Baby, you look just as amazing. This color makes you look... wow.” He sizes me up and I roll my eyes. “I’d love to stay and chit chat but the photos are about to start and I gotta go. Bridesmaids duties never end.” I joke and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine, but make sure to take some on a cell phone so I can update my lock-screen.” He winks and my heart melts. “I will, I love you.” I kiss his lips shortly and he smiles. “I love you more. See you inside, rockstar.”

-

“Do you think you’re ever gonna walk down that aisle with Calum? It’s been like 5 years now, hasn’t it?” Melissa asks while we lined up in front of the doors. “We’ve talked about it, sure. We’re both too busy for that now.”

“I mean it’s been this long, if he hasn’t committed to it yet, then he never will.” She says and my heart drops. “I don’t believe that.” I say and Melissa shrugs.

“I agree, it’s been this long.” Kennedy says from behind me, I felt like throwing up. I don’t know why I let them affect me this much. I don’t know if it’s the slight jealousy of this being the 3rd wedding we’ve attended in the past 2 months or if I’m just an insecure piece of shit, but either way, my heart was dead.

“Enough of that, it’s time to start.” The wedding planner cut us short as the doors opened slowly.

Everyone looked back at the three of us as we walked together with the groomsmen, I caught a glimpse of Cal smiling and winking at me, but I quickly looked away before I accidentally cried.

Soon, Alissa came in and the ceremony started. I would sneak glances at Calum and he’d be staring solely at me, which made me look away or put my head down.

I loved the thought of marriage with Calum more than anything, but it just was always the thing on the back burner. We haven’t even talked about marriage in at least 7 months.

What if it was true, that if he was to commit he would’ve done it by now. But he’s a super star, marriage obviously isn’t something that sells.

Maybe my life will as be that saying “always the bridesmaid but never the bride.”

——

The party really started when the mini bar opened up and I could get my hands on any type of liquor.

“You looked amazing up there.” I heard Calum’s voice before a hand wrapped around at my side.

“Thanks babe!” I tried to force a fake smile, but he saw right through me. “What’s wrong?” He asked and I shook my head. “Nothing I promise! I am just exhausted, I’ve been up doing this bridesmaid thing since 7 am. I’m sorry.” I pout slightly and he kissed my lips shortly.

“You sure?” He asks while moving my hair out of the way.

“Pinky promise.” I lie as I stick my pinky out to his while he connects.

“Do you want to catch a table together?” He asks and I shake my head. “Can’t, she put my placement card over at the head table.” I point and he frowns.

“She didn’t put you by Liam, did she?” He asks while winking at me, Liam was an old high school fling.

“No, he’s at the opposite end.” I smile softly and he just turns his head to the side a little, I saw so many wheels turning. “Okay well I’ll catch up with you at the first dance. Text me from up there, please. I miss you.” He kisses my forehead before walking over to an empty seat by our old friends.

I just felt like my life wasn’t as shiny as everyone else’s. I mean yeah I am dating the sweetest man on this planet, I have an amazing job, and I know he loves me but what if that’s just it? What if he doesn’t see a future with me and he is just blinded by it just being boring old us. What if he doesn’t want to marry me and that’s why he hasn’t asked by now? I’ve been to 3 weddings as the bridesmaid this year and I haven’t once considered that maybe I’m not good enough to be the bride.

I feel so happy for my friends because they just seem so happy, but what if I’m not cutting it for him anymore?

——

“Now it’s time for the ladies to gather around for the bouquet toss, come on girls!” I hear the DJ announce, I hadn’t even moved out of my seat since I sat down. I skipped the whole dancing thing, I could see Calum’s disappointment but I guess he didn’t mind too much.

“C’mon y/n, that means you too.” Alissa yells and I move to stand behind her, the crowd of women intoxicatedly happy.

“3, 2, 1!” The crowd yells but Alissa doesn’t throw the bouquet, she turns around slowly to hand it to Kennedy who was front and center. Kennedy seemed confused before she turns around to see her boyfriend, Grayson, on one knee.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!!!

They’ve been together for a whole year and they’re getting married before me? Someone better call Ashton Kutcher and the camera crew out here before I fucking lose it.

I roll my eyes before I march my happy ass back to my assigned seat. What the actual fuck?

——

“Baby?” Calum sounded upset behind me, I turn around to see him looking extremely exhausted. “Yeah!” I fake my happiness when I speak.

“I’m gonna head home, partying doesn’t feel like me tonight, so I’ll see you there. I know you’ve got a few more bridesmaid duties to do before you can go.” He sounded just as off as I did.

“Oh, yeah! I do. I’ll see you at home, don’t wait up for me.” I smile lightly and he nods.

He kisses my cheek softly before he walks out of the venue.

—

“Everyone, please give it up and say goodbye for a few days to the new mister and misses Adam Walker!” The DJ yells as the couple makes it to the venue doors. The 6 of us in the bridal party were lined up with them and their parents.

Alissa gave out hugs until she finally got to me. “You okay?” She asks and I nod shortly. “I am all bridesmaid out, I hope you have fun.” I give her a hug and she nods. “I will, tell Cal hi for us. Love y’all.” She said before turning away, was my pain that obvious or??

——

I finally made it home and my feet were beyond dead.

“Baby, is that you?” Calum’s voice called out, fuck. Fuck.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I put my keys down and then my purse.

I turn the corner and almost run flat into him, I apologize quietly and move towards the stairs.

“Did I say something today? Or do something?” Calum asks from behind me, I could hear the pain in his voice.

“No, it wasn’t you. I’m just tired.” I lie and take the first stair. “I believed that for a few minutes and I’m sure you are tired, but that’s not it. You’re avoiding me and you didn’t even text or dance with me. You just seem pissed off at the world or me, if it’s me then I am sorry.” His voice stops me, I slack my shoulders.

“You didn’t do or say anything Cal. Sorry.” I say as I make my way up the stairs before he stops me again, but it didn’t matter because he was up the stairs shortly after me.

“I hear you but I don’t feel you.” He says as he grabs my arm loosely. “It’s not anything you’ll understand because I don’t even understand it myself.” I sigh and face him, he physically softened a little at that but it didn’t last long.

“Just talk to me baby, please. You know it won’t be stupid, we’ve been doing this for 5 years now, we’ve got this.” He soothes and I roll my eyes.

“Yeah, 5 fucking years. That’s the problem.” I grunt and move out of his grip and into the bathroom. I find the makeup wipes and start to scrub my face. “What does that mean!” He exclaims and I shake my head.

“We’ve been together for 5 years and you haven’t asked me.” I felt like a stupid bitch for even talking.

“Asked you what?” He sounded absolutely clueless.

“To marry you Cal! Marriage! Why are we even dating still, if you don’t plan on starting a family between us then what’s the point anymore!” I slightly raised my voice and he takes a step back.

“What? Of course there’s a point to us. How do you know I don’t want to marry you? We’ve talked about it before!” He was getting just as frustrated.

“If you haven’t committed to it now then you never will, and other people think that too! It’s been so long since we’ve ever spoke of marriage Calum.” I fold my arms across my chest.

“There’s more to love than a ceremony and a ring! If that’s all that matters instead of the 5 years of loving each other solely, then I’m not the problem here! I can’t believe marriage is so important to you as a sign of commitment, like I haven’t gave you all of me! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” He shouts and I jump slightly, taking a big step back.

He was right though, maybe right with his voice too damn loud, but nevertheless.

There was more to love than a ring or paper, I just felt like that’s what it should end up at, but it’s not. Paper doesn’t change commitment, it changes titles.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you like that or scare you.” He moved closer and I nodded.

“Please talk to me. I’m sorry and we can work it out.” I wasn’t avoiding talking because I was scared or upset that he yelled, I just knew he was right and I felt like a fucking idiot.

“Baby,” his voice was shaky and I grabbed ahold of his hand softly. “You shouldn’t be sorry, I’m the freaking idiot here. You were right, it’s not about a ring or paper. I’m sorry that I overreacted and ruined a nice time.” I admit and he lets out a sigh of relief.

“It’s okay, I understand. You do know that I want to marry the fuck out of you, right? Because I swear to God, I’ll fly us to Las Vegas right now.” He jokes and I nod, laughing a little.

“I don’t want to elope and I don’t want you to feel like you have to propose any time soon. You’re right and I can wait, because my commitment and love for you will stay the same regardless.” I hug him and he chuckles lightly.

“I love you.” He kisses my cheek and I smile warmly. “I love you more.”

“If someone ever gets proposed to at our wedding though, I swear I will go into labor at their wedding and die at their fucking funeral.” I joke and he laughs, eyes crinkling and all warm like.

Based off of bits and pieces of NF- “Time” ... song is a bop!

Gif creds to owner

Chord progression for a new song, that’s all you have to do tonight, Shawn. Just finish this and you’ll sleep for at least 8 hours, more than you’ve gotten in a week. — that’s all I’ve been saying to myself for a hot minute now.

I had one version of a progression, but it didn’t feel right, so for the last hour, I’ve been playing different cord combinations to feel something about this song. Nothing felt right with this night, this song, and probably this whole fucking month.

“I made you some supper if you want any, if not I’ll put it away.” Y/n’s head popped inside of the music room, my eyes drifted towards her sullen appearance. I thought I felt sleep-deprived, but she looked it.

“I’ll come down there now, I’m starving.” I saw a quick smile reach her eyes, I could tell she was worrying herself sick about me, I get so entrapped in music that I forget I’m a human with basic needs, like eating.

I followed her down the stairs, she grabbed plates out of the cabinet for us and started to assemble each one.

Baked chicken, Mac n cheese, and scalloped potatoes? A blessing.

She handed my plate over and she took hers too as we made our way to the table.

“What’s your big plan for tomorrow?” She asks while taking a bite of the potatoes. “I have to be up around 4 am, go to the studio with the team for a while, and then a press session with the radio at 1:30,” I tell her and I see some more happiness leave her body, the sullen look was back.

“That’s exciting! New song coming along well?” She even sounded uninterested in the conversation. “Kinda in a rut, I don’t hear or feel the sounds that need to encapsulate the lyrics of my new song,” I explain, even though she probably doesn’t care.

“Maybe you need to stop trying to find it and let it find you. You’ve been working so hard that you’ve burned yourself out this week. Try playing without a reason besides what your heart says instead of your head.” Well damn, maybe she does care. I don’t know why she would, all I do is work and don’t show her the right way that I love her.

“That’s true, you’ve alwa-“ I was cut off by my phone blaring Andrew’s designated ringtone, she knew it too because I could see the disappointment.

“What now?” I ask as soon as I answered, I heard Andrews grunt.

“We need you to come to the studio, we need a meeting with all of the crew about tomorrow’s session with the radio station.”

“That doesn’t make sense? We’re all meeting tomorrow beforehand!”

“I understand, but 2 of the guys won’t be able to make it tomorrow morning, but they can come tonight, so let’s just get this over with so you can go back to being grumpy at home.”

“Whatever, bye.”

I look up to see her disapproval, but she doesn’t say a word as she gets up with the plate in her hand.

“I’m sorry that I can’t finish dinner, if you put it away, I’ll eat it as soon as I get home.” I was nervous to even talk to her, I knew she was pissed; I could tell in the way her left eye was starting to twitch in the slightest way, it mostly happened when pissed or stressed... now it’s both.

“I live to serve.” She mumbles as she grabbed a few ziplock bags, I knew she was pissed, but all it did was make me angry too. I wanted to stay at home and eat a nice meal with my girl.

“I don’t know what you want me to do, I can’t say no to the team.” I snapped and she just looked up, no words left her lips but the look on her face did. It was probably telling me to shut the fuck up.

“Plus, I don’t have to stay in this house 24/7 like you do. Does it not get boring being in this house all day, every day?” I was being bitter and I just continued to dig a bigger hole.

My existence felt like word vomit, I was just spewing out hateful shit and I didn’t even know why. My heart quaked when I saw a tear fall down her cheek, just one though, and she wiped it off hastily before it had the chance to fall onto the counter.

“It does get boring since you asked. It gets boring waiting for a guy to love me, show that he has a heart. To feel like I have to be ready to pick you up at any chance because the work stress is too much, but I know damn well I won’t get any love in return. It gets boring being at the end of the fucking road with your bullshit! So please, by all means, Shawn, leave before you get bored too.” She yelled, I haven’t heard that type of voice since we had our big fight while on tour, so that alone made me anxious.

Then she called my biggest bluff in my attitude, she pointed out my work stress. The stress that had lead to so much anxiety. I felt bad that she knew I was bound to break any day, I could see it causing her just as much anxiety for my wellbeing. I cause her more pain than I ever wanted to.

“Maybe I’d be better off alone,” I said it before I even thought of the consequences of my words.

A string of 6 words and 23 letters that had no absolute truth caused such a look of disdain on her face. I saw a few more tears drop and her lip trembled slightly, I felt my heart shatter.

“I fucking hate you, please fucking go.”

I never felt such a heaviness in my heart until she said that, as I’ve always known our arguments hurt; but that literally broke me. She had so much conviction in her voice that I could tell a part of her meant it. I think?

I walk to my car, chest hurting and mentally debilitating.

——

After a pointless 2 hour meeting and side advice from Teddy, who could tell I fucked up somehow, I was ready to be home to my girl. To apologize all night and to hopefully come home to her still living there.

I walk into the big apartment, the smell of lavender and eucalyptus roaming through the halls. I smiled to myself because I knew she probably had like 4 different diffusers on.

I made my way through the halls, no hot girl in sight.

“Baby?” I call out and there still wasn’t any movement, so my anxiety automatically started filling negative thoughts in my head.

I rushed to our room, hoping to find her asleep, but I didn’t- so more panic set in. I searched everywhere with no luck, until the last spot (where I thought she would not be because we never used this room), the guest room. I chuckled to myself when I saw the eucalyptus oil beside the bedside table.

I could tell she was fucking pissed when she fell asleep, her forehead had creases in it and her face was still scowled.

“Baby, c’mon, wake up. You hate this bed and you need to sleep properly.” I shake her body slightly, she grunted lowly before I started to lift her. She was in my arms and halfway down the hall before she actually woke up, her body jumping with anxiety.

“What the fuck!” She jumped up quickly, I suppressed my laugh as I waited for her to stop trying to leap out of my arms.

“You hate the guest bed so I’m taking you to ours. I’ll sleep on the guest bed or whatever.” I say and she just finally gives up the fight, but I knew I’d probably be up all night with my thoughts and half-assed writing.

“Whatever, just walk faster before I jump.”

—

The pain of my words hit a little harder around 1 am, I couldn’t believe I was even saying half of the shit that I did.

I wouldn’t even know how to react if she would’ve said the words I said to her, let alone know that she thinks I don’t love her or care about her. That’s what hurts the worst, is knowing she expects better but I just haven’t been up to her standards.

“You can’t stay up sulking all night, it’s bad for you.” Her voice cut through the dark music room.

“Can you see sulking in the dark or is it just obvious?” I ask and she chuckles, turning the light on in the room.

Her eyes were puffy and her frame curled inwards for warmth. She moved to sit on the edge of the plastic chair by the door. It stayed silent for at least three minutes.

“I don’t hate you, Shawn. I really don’t. I wish I did though, so every time you left for a new radio tour, press conference, or plain tour, it wouldn’t be so hard on me. So hard on me to watch you leave so effortlessly, as I sit here waiting for you to love me just as much. I’m not saying that you choose between the two because you don’t, I wouldn’t let you anyways. It’s just that,-“ she took a really deep breath in, her voice started to waver slightly,

“It’s just that I can tell you’re about to break. Every day I see you look more stressed out and I can’t help you. You don’t speak but a few words to me, so I know I can’t help you. And I know we both say stupid things when it’s a heated argument, but you were right. Maybe you’re better off alone because I can’t catch you and when I do, I’m no good.”

That was it, the tears started to fall down my cheeks rapidly. I knew I hurt her, but goddamn Shawn, you broke her.

“No one in this world knows me better than you do, inside and out. I’m sorry that I make it hard to love me, I build walls up to ensure I don’t break down and I built those walls without you inside them. I’m sorry. There’s no way I could be alone, I couldn’t do it without you. I just need time, I know it’s all you’ve been giving me, but I promise there is a change coming soon. I know we’re mad and on a tightrope, but you know me. Please, I’ll always need you; you know the real me is a weak mess inside.” I let the words flow out of my mouth as fast as the tears fell.

“You need time?” She asks and I nod, I could tell her heart was still just as broken.

“Not away or solely with you, I’m still making progress with my anxiety, and even if it’s hard to admit; I need more help. I’ve got to talk to the team and make changes to my mental health for once. I know waiting is hard and if you can’t do it, I understand, but baby no one has loved me as you do, and the same from me to you. So baby please, give me just a little time .” I felt like I was coming off as some desperate kid, but her face softened so gently, she waltzed to kneel in front of me.

“Okay, time it is.” She kissed my hand softly, the easiest and most loving gesture I needed. And for a second, I felt safe again. No one understood me like her.

Long time, sorry y’all

Part 2?? Idk this sucked

Also, photo creds to whoever

All I asked was for one day, just one day for Shawn to show up! It could’ve been just an hour and I’m sure I’d be just as happy. Somehow, those days are far from over.

It’s the second time this week, probably the 10th time this month, more than I want to admit in the past 4 months since we moved to LA.

Every time it’s like a new excuse; dinner with the board, writing session, clubbing with managers, fell asleep at Brian’s. I mean I couldn’t even keep up with all the new excuses. I’d rather be back at my home in Toronto and miss him from thousands of miles away than to miss him worse while he’s 25 miles away.

All he had to do was meet me at the restaurant, not a fancy one or anything, just a simple dinner setting with minimal people.

After the 4th time, I was done being pissed off, the 10th time? Just plain disappointed. Now? Disrespected and done. Which my dumbass should’ve felt this way a long time ago.

“Did you want to order miss?” A young teen asks she seemed to notice my disappointment because she offered a kind smile.

“Uh, I’ll just take an order of fries. Thanks, girl.” I smile as best as I could for my anxiety-ridden body. I knew it was time to go, I couldn’t hold on any longer when there was a blatant disregard for my feelings.

“Hey mom, I’m coming home for a few days, can I stay at your place?” I read over the text a couple of times before I hit send. I didn’t want to go honestly, there’s a majority of my heart taken by Shawn, but if I wanted to move to LA basically on my own, I would’ve done it in my rebellion stage at like 16.

I knew I couldn’t just leave work, so I also sent a short text asking my boss for vacation time.

“House is always yours to come back to, let me know when you land. Shawn staying in LA?” Her message popped up almost a second before the young girl brought a handful of fries and the package of the ranch I requested before she walked away.

“He’s got business to attend to.” I lie, I’m starting to sound just like him.

I finish my fries, pay the worker, and start to head back to our condo. I couldn’t even see straight I was so upset like I honestly have never felt so much anger, sadness, and disrespect in my heart before. I’ve been mad and upset with Shawn before, we’ve had plenty of fights or disagreements, but this felt so much worse.

So when I stepped into the condo and saw Shawn sitting on the couch asleep, a part of me died a little. I knew he’s been busy, he really has, but why ditch me all the time. Everything I’ve done for the past 3 years, I’ve done in its foresight of how it affects the two of us, but I feel like his hindsight got the worst of him.

He didn’t wake when I slammed the keys down, so he must be out of it, more than a catnap.

I slid past him without another peep and made my way to the bedroom. A piece of me broke when I started loading the duffle bag with clothes, but then I thought of how fun it’ll be to see my parents, my dog, my little sister!

“Hey babe, I’m sorry I missed the date, I just woke up and I thought I heard you come in. Wait, why is there a bag full of clothes?” His soft sleepy demeanor changed so quick, sadness and confusion took over.

“I am going home,” I say confidently, even though someone punching me would’ve felt better. “You are home,” he started to step forward and I put my hand out. “Don’t start that shit now.”

“I mean it, you are home, we always said that wherever the both of us together is, is where home is. Baby, what is happening. Talk to me.”

“Everyday for the past 3 years, my first thought was us, you. Why could I do to make this relationship better, I shouldn’t do that because it could hurt Shawn and I. These past 4 months Shawn, I would’ve been convinced we were just roommates. You stopped thinking of me and it’s been all you.”

“I’m allowed to make plans for myself and my future, regardless of a girlfriend.” He crosses his arm and I literally scoffed in his face.

“Okay, so when I almost moved off to Florida for a huge writing gig and had to be convinced out of it because I would’ve rather had you, makes no fair trade for what I wanted for a future. I can handle the pettiness from this shock of me leaving, but really Shawn? Really?” My voice broke and his face dropped.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. You can’t leave though, we need to talk through it.”

“I can count on my hands how many dates or just stay at home days that you’ve attended. I can’t even count on my hands and feet on all the ones you blew off with dumbass excuses.”

“I can see where you’re pissed off, but I never wanted to ditch you. God, I wished every time that I was with you instead but everything has been so crazy the minute we moved here.”

“I wouldn’t know that Shawn because you didn’t include me. I’ve been disrespected by the press, your fans, even some of your coworkers, but god Shawn, I’ve never felt disrespected by you until today.” I finally let all my tears flow and I saw a few escape the corners of his eyes.

He went in for a hug, I couldn’t stop myself from allowing him to entrap me in his arms. In my heart, it felt like a goodbye hug.

“I never meant to exclude you from this new process and city, I just wanted to make everyone else proud and I’ve abandoned your happiness on the way. Please forgive me, please don’t leave me here. Even if I don’t see you for hours, hell even days, the easiest part of this job is coming home to you. Seeing you curled up in my tour hoodies and asleep on the couch watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch. It’s you.” He has practically hiccuping over his tears.

“Of course I’m going to forgive you, I love you, Shawn. I just can’t stay, not for a few days at least. I can’t do this whole thing right now. Even with your apology and I can tell it’s sincere, there’s just a hole in my heart. I don’t think sorry can fix it and I don’t know what can. I need my mom, I need to be around somebody because you’re just going to hop back into work come tomorrow morning. So I’m headed to a hotel then to Canada tomorrow morning, Shawn.” The tears had gone away, some of the confidence was back. I needed to choose me since he was so good at choosing for him.

“So that’s it? You’re just gone?” He sniffles but still in the process of wiping the rest of my tears off. “Just taking a vacation. My boss is letting me just write publications from Toronto, I’ll just be at my parents for a bit. I’ll see you soon, honey.” I give a weak smile and try to remove myself from Shawn’s embrace.

I attach my lips to Shawn’s quickly, I knew I needed it for the sake of my sanity and his. My duffle bag almost dropped to the floor when Shawn slung my body back into his, but I had to pull back before I changed my mind.

“That seemed like an ‘im never coming back’ kiss,” Shawn whispered and I shake my head. It felt like it in my heart too, but I also knew Shawn was always going to be my completing puzzle piece, I’d always be back.

“I have too many clothes left behind for that thought.” I wink and he shakes his head but the frown was evermore present.

“I love you?” He sounded it off as a question.

Fluff galore wow

GIF creds to owner

The living room was illuminated by Drake & Josh playing on the tv. Shawn had already stuffed his face with half of the popcorn in the bowl, he sipped on his beer slowly though.

He laughed at something Megan said, he always loved watching this at 1 am, said it brought back childhood memories. “She’s literally the funniest person on this show, makes it worth it.” He looked over at me, eyes sparkling a little, his goofy grin taking over his features.

“You okay?” He asks when I hardly smiled back. “I’m good, just thinking about you.” I sheepishly grin and he turns the lamp on beside him.

“Oh, so what’re you thinking about?” He asks and I shrug. I honestly didn’t know, well I obviously did. I just didn’t want to ask him the question when I knew he’d go into overprotective boyfriend real quick.

“When I say this, I don’t want your first reaction to being ‘scared Shawn must fix his girlfriend’ mode. Understood?” I ask and he pouts. “Harsh, but understood.”

“What do you think your life would’ve been like if you didn’t meet me?”

“Baby, what's going on about? Are you okay?” He sat upright and reached out for me.

“Shawn, you promised! I swear I’m okay and I’m not going through anything, I’m just really curious.”

“You’re sure? I will be in that mode for as long as I need.” He furrows his brows and I laugh. “Promise.”

“Well, I would probably be out clubbing more.” He states and I knew that was true, considering we met outside of one. He was a sucker for a good time.

“Working myself to death in the studio, never coming home.” He adds, it was a given. “You work yourself to death there, even with a girlfriend.” I roll my eyes.

He stayed quiet for a few minutes, eyes trained on the tv and eating a few bites of popcorn.

“Oh, my sex life would be awful!” He screeches with a deep laugh to follow. I smack his chest lightly and he chuckles more, rubbing where I hit him. “You’re such a boy.”

It got quiet again, his hand finding mine slowly. “I would never own a throw pillow, I most likely would’ve bought a Ferrari because I’m impulsive, I would have more room in my closet, and I wouldn’t listen to old One Direction as much.” He continued his answer, it made me laugh, he’s so stupid.

“Sorry that I force you to listen to the Take Me Home album, even though it’s the best album on this planet.” I was smug about it, knowing he’d whine saying that I didn’t love his.

“Baby, what about mine? You always say mine is your favorite.” He pouts like a child, making me laugh loudly. Knew it.

“The greatest boy-band album on this planet.” I wink and he grins slightly.

“Also, not just throw pillows, your house would be awful without me. You had no decorations in this place when we first started dating. You tried to buy a Ferrari last month when we went to London! Plus, I take up half of ONE of your closets, you have 3 different ones in your house!” I was laughing loudly, he knew I was right about it all because he turned his head and laughed.

“Yeah, but how dare you take up half of my closet without actually moving in with me!” He protested while laughing, he knew I couldn’t move in because I was finishing out my lease at the apartment I rented downtown. He offered to pay off the lease but I didn’t feel good about it, so he agreed to drop it.

I rolled my eyes playfully and snatched some of his popcorn out of the bowl in his lap. “I probably wouldn’t like watching old tv shows at night alone, eating popcorn and drinking beer, as much as I love doing it with you.” He smacked my hand when I went to grab more popcorn.

“I wouldn’t have your hair clogging up my drain every fucking day.” He smiles onto the rim of his beer and I cross my arms, purposely and jokingly acting like a child. “Guess I’ll just have to stay at my apartment more so I can clog my own drains.” I puff, he snaps his head over quickly to make sure I wasn’t actually offended, he dropped it as soon as he saw my childish grin.

He went back to watching the show, it stayed silent until the end of the episode. Shawn got up to put his trash and bowl up, coming back to stand in front of me. “Bed?” He asked quietly and I nodded along. “My bed is at my apartment, with my unclogged shower.” I tease and he pinched my sides. “Hush.”

I slipped on Shawn’s gray hoodie before jumping onto my side of the bed. Shawn pulled me into his arms, my back flush against his front.

He was leaving kisses all over my neck like he did almost every night before we went to bed. “You know I love you right?” He asks and I nod quickly. “I’m only reminded a few times a day.” I joke and he squeezes me tightly. “Coming from the girl who texts me to tell me she misses me when I’m in the bathroom for too long.” He teases lightly and I shrug aimlessly.

He kisses my neck once again before we both started to settle down.

“To truthfully answer your question, if I hadn’t met you, I’d still be searching for someone as wonderful as you. Looking for a woman like you everywhere I went. If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t be me.” He whispered and it made my heart flare. I moved his hand up to my lips, leaving a soft kiss on his palm.

Hi, I’ve been super absent and I’m so sorry. I’m starting to heal and move on with my life, so I’ve taken time off of writing, but a life without writing is not one I want. So, here’s a shitty imagine I wrote in like 30 minutes.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I mumbled to myself as my coffee hit the ground, my heart exploded with it.

“That’s not a very nice word to say.” A kids voice behind me states loudly, I could’ve jumped out of my skin. When I turn around, there was the cutest little girl standing there; her brown curls flowing down her shoulders.

“It wasn’t nice at all, I’m sorry. Where are your parents?” I ask and she frowns for a bit. “My mom had two boyfriends.” She states and I had to hide my laugh, I loved when kids overshared their parent's information.

“My daddy is somewhere, I can’t find him. I’m scared.” Her lip started to tremble and I crouched down to her level, engulfing her in a hug. “Do you know your dad's number, darling?” I ask and she nods. “He made me memorize it but I don’t have a phone.”

I handed her mine and she slowly typed in the numbers, I mean she did pretty well for a 5-year-old. I took the phone from her small hands and put it on speaker.

“Hello!” A voice frantically answered and I could tell from her eyes lighting up that it was her dad.

“Daddy!” Her little voice echoed and I heard a sigh of relief.

“Hi, this is y/n. I’m here with your daughter, she came up to me, she’s okay but a little scared. We’re on the corner of 5th Avenue, right by Joe’s Coffee Shack.” I explain while the little girl held on to my hand tightly.

“Okay, thank you. I’ll be there in like 2 minutes thank you.” The phone hung up quickly and I bent back down to her level.

“Your name is Y/n? That’s a pretty name.” She mumbled and I smiled. “What’s your name girly?” I ask while buttoning up her coat. “Millie.” She mumbles again and I grin. “Millie, what a pretty name for such a pretty girl.” I grin when she looks up hopefully.

“Really?” She asks and I nod quickly. “Of course! You’re a little superstar!” I lightly grab her hands.

I looked at my watch to see how long it’d been since the call, not even a minute yet.

“You’re a brave girl, asking for help. How’d you choose me?” I ask I was pretty curious about it.

“I was hiding over there and I saw you walking, you have the same shirt as my daddy.” She pointed to my Queen shirt. “Oh, so your dad is a music guy?” I ask and she giggles. “He’s famous and everything!” She yells and I smile. “Oh, I’m sure he is.” Seems like an adoring child who thinks their dad walks on water.

“Millie Alli Mendes, what in the world were you thinking?” We both look over, well fuck. She wasn’t lying about her dad being famous. I mean I hardly listen to newer music but everyone knew Shawn Mendes. He looks like a straight-up God. She also wasn’t lying about the shirts, we had on the exact same white T-shirt with the band's logo.

“Daddy, I’m so sorry. I saw a puppy on a leash and I followed it, it was so pretty and fluffy. I’m sorry.” Her eyes were watering and his face softened. “Don’t ever do that again, I almost had a heart attack.” He picks her up, finally taking a glance at me.

“Thank you so much —“ he waited for my name, Millie beat me to it. “Y/n. She has a pretty name, doesn’t she daddy?” She asks and he nods. “Very pretty name.” He grins widely. I had told him my name on the phone but I’m sure the adrenaline blocked it out.

“Looks like you dropped your drink, let us buy you a new one. You’ve helped me out today, it’s the least I could do.” He begs and I smile with a nod. “Sure, I can use another one.”

“When she dropped her drink, she used a very bad word daddy.” Millie giggled and I scrunch up slightly. “I did, in my defense, I was really looking forward to the drink before I spilled it.”

However, in my mind, I was thinking about how I wasn’t sure about this situation all, I was being taken to get a drink from a celebrity who lost their adorable child. But I’m not gonna be weird about it, I really wanted my marble frappe.

We ordered and sat down, Millie climbing into my lap a good 3 minutes in. “Millie, be polite and use your manners, maybe she doesn’t want you crawling over her.” He scolds and I shake my head, locking her into my arms. “No, she’s fine. I’ve grown quite fond of her.” I smile towards her, letting her eat a piece of my chocolate muffin.

“Well, you obviously have a great taste in music.” Shawn breaks the barrier, I nod. “I mean, what can I say, you do too apparently.” I joke and he shakes his head.

Time passed as we continued to talk about Millie, music, and stupid shit. It honestly felt so good, I felt like I was catching up with an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a while.

“Well, Millie has dance lessons. Maybe I can see you again soon?” He asks hopefully and I smile.

“As long as Millie is attended to when I first see her.” I joke and he rolls his eyes.

“So it's a hard yes, she’s not leaving my sights like that again.” He smiles

“Yeah? Then where is she right now?” I ask, knowing she was hiding under my legs, plus I heard her giggles.

His eyes widened in a complete panic, I almost felt bad for him but I grabbed his hand gently. I pointed toward the ground and his face relaxed dramatically. He squeezed my hand tightly before letting it go.

“I’ll see you soon. Millie get up here, now.” He sounded stern and I give him a look to be nice.

“I’m telling your grandma about what you did.” He threatens as he walks out of the door, I giggled at the goofiness between both of them. Something about them made my heart feel different, a good way but still different.

————— year & 1/2 later

“Can you please help me tonight baby? I know we’re supposed to go on our date but Mil has a fever and is sick. I can’t get ahold of the nanny, Millie won’t stop crying.” Shawn’s frantic voice filled my phone, my heart sad at the thought that he’s so stressed and that Mil was sick.

“I’ll come over, it’s gonna be alright babe. Bye.”

I stopped into the store to grab some soup before making my way to Shawn’s house, which was right down the road from my apartment.

“I’m here.” I sigh while dropping the soups onto the counter. “Thank you so much, I’m so sorry.” He pleads and I grasp the back of his neck. “Hey, you don’t have to apologize to me. I’m more than happy to stay in and watch Netflix. I can fix soup all night and give her Tylenol every 4 hours. I’m here.” I kiss his lips softly and he shakes his head. “You’re too good to me.”

“I know, but I also know you’ll find a way to make it up to me.” I wink and he shakes his head, small grin on his lips. “Yeah, I think we’ve established that before.”

“Maybe you should see her, she’d be glad to see your face instead of mine. She stopped crying 10 minutes ago when I told her you were on your way.” Shawn adds I nod. “Can you make some soup while I change, then I’ll take it to her,” I suggest and he nods. “Already laid out one of my shirts on my bed.” He smiles and I blushed slightly. “What a gentleman.”

I walked into his room, I’ve spent plenty of nights in here. It was such a beautiful space, the bed was huge and took up most of the room. Our pictures and pictures of Millie filled the halls leading to the room and the room itself.

I walked out of the room with his Queen shirt on, it fit better than mine did. I always insisted on wearing his instead, it smelled like him too, so it was a selling point.

I grab the bowl full of soup and a can of sprite, then head towards her room, her door was open and the tv slightly up.

“Y/n!” She hoarsely let out and it broke my heart. “Hey doll, I brought you something to eat. It’s so good, daddy and I had some in the kitchen.” I lied to make her feel better about eating it, Shawn had explained she didn’t want anything all day. He had to force some crackers.

She took a few bites before pushing it away, sipping on sprite slowly. Usually, this girl was like her dad, eating everything before you could blink. “I don’t feel good at all.” She groans and I take her hand into mine, other one combing through her damp curls.

“It’s gonna be alright. You’re such a tough girl and it’ll be okay.” I smile down at her, she half-heartedly smiles. “Are you staying with me? I don’t want you to get sick.” She whines and I chuckle. “You don’t have to worry about that, if I get sick I’ll just make your daddy take care of me.” I joke and send a small wink.

I could tell she was too tired to hold a full conversation, so I gave her some more Tylenol before heading out of her room with the bowl of leftover soup.

“She ate some of it, took some Tylenol and she looked almost out of it.”

“Thank you so much, I’m sorry again. I’ve just been here all day while she vomits or coughs herself to death. I mean it’s the first time I’ve seen her this sick since she was like 3.” He admits and I frown.

“Well, my years of working in a daycare where sickness spread like gossip are about to be handy.” I joke and he giggles.

“I’m so glad you’re here, you know how to make any mood better.” He groans in a delighted way.

“Well, I’m gonna eat that macaroni salad you had leftover and lay on the couch.” I grin and make my plate, taking it to the couch.

I played AGT while we ate, I heard Millie sneeze or cough occasionally.

—-

The sound of cries filled my ears, I shot up quickly and so did Shawn. “I’ve got it, rest,” I told him and I saw the hesitation in his eyes, but I pushed him back down and made my way to her room.

She was in the bathroom attached to her room, she had got sick again, luckily in the toilet. I stood over her to put her hair up in a bun, in case she did it again. I got a rag to put on her, but the feeling of her skin told me she needed a quick cold shower.

“Baby, let’s get in the shower,” I told her, she started whining and didn’t want to get in. So, I started the water and held her while we both stood underneath the cold water. I’m glad I like cold showers, or my ass would be frozen to death.

I got her out of the wet clothes, she was so whiny the whole time, as expected. Her fever was down and she went straight back to bed.

“Please don’t leave yet, I’m scared.” She called out and I nodded before sitting by her bed.

“It’s okay doll, I’m right here. It’s gonna be just fine. Let’s take some of this medicine and eat some crackers, it’ll help.”

She has finished a few saltines and took a kids NyQuil and Dramamine. By the time the medicine started to work, she was drowsy and ready to fall asleep again. “Goodnight doll.” I kiss her forehead, starting to leave the room.

“Night, mommy.” She mumbled and it stopped me in my tracks, a big smile played on my lips and I felt butterflies all over.

I made my way back to Shawn, shaking his body to wake him up. “Let’s go to bed Shawn, you’re gonna hurt your back.” I tug at his arms. “But, what if she needs us?” He asks and I continue to tug at him. “She took Dramamine and NyQuil, she’s gonna be okay.” I get him up and make our way to the bedroom.

“Why is your shirt wet?” He mumbles as he collapsed onto his bed. “She didn’t want to shower alone,” I explain shortly and he had a small grin on his face. “You’re the best girl I’ve ever had in my entire life.” He smiles up absentmindedly, I shake my head at his goofiness as I change into a different tee.

I lay beside him and he just stares at me warmly. “What?” I ask and he just shakes his head. “You’re just amazing.”

“She called me mom. I know it’s not that big of a deal because we’ve only been together for over a year and a half, plus she’s on drowsy medicine, but it warmed my soul.” His eyes widen and then went back to normal after I said it felt good.

“I mean you’re the most mom figure she’s ever had. I guess you should just move in with us.” He sounded like he was jokingly saying it. “Yeah, okay.” I laugh and he sits up a little to look over at me.

“I’m being serious now like you can move in with us. You won’t have to move that far, unlimited access to Mil and I. We love you and want you here.” He adds and my heart explodes.

“Shawn, are you sure? I’m always here or whatever, but this is different. I don’t want to rush you into this.” I brush out some of his curls, he sighed contently.

“What other girls our age, who isn’t already a mom, going to stay with someone else’s kid to make sure they make it through a virus? Or to jump in a cold shower with them? I don’t want to imagine any other good night or bad night with someone else, it’s gonna be you. I’m sure the mom role isn’t gonna be the easiest nor do I expect it from you because you’re my girlfriend, but someone like you in her life is the best I can get. You’re an outstanding woman and I don’t think I’ll ever be this close to perfection again. There’s no rushing this, it’s you.”

“Baby,” I mumbled with tears in my eyes. I mean he can’t just give me a speech like that and not expect me to want to marry him right now. “You’re the sweetest human on this earth. I just really love the two of you and I mean I love kids because I worked in a daycare, but my love for Millie is so much more. I literally just don’t want her to ever get hurt and I want to watch her grow. I love her most because she’s you, she lacks a mom but she has you and is just like you. You’re as amazingly wonderful and it’s like the tiny human form.”

“So, is that a yes to moving in or a big pretty speech before you crush my soul?” He asks and I chuckle.

“Yes I’ll move in with you, I don’t wanna do this without you guys.”

I watch his face light up more, he kisses all over my face and bear hugs me. “God, this means I get to wake up to your beautiful face every day.” He exclaimed while squeezing the life out of me.

“Can you believe that your daughter saw my Queen shirt and it led to this? Like this whole new life for us?” I ask and he chuckles into the crevice of my neck, the hot air tickling me some.

“Good thing she wasn’t scared off by your potty mouth.” He whispers and I slap his back lightly.

“Hey, don’t be a dick! I dropped my drink.” I pout even though he can’t see it.

He hums approval before nuzzling further into me, arms tight and patterns being traced.

It was calm and almost full silence before he broke it, in a quiet manner though.

“And if the mother role gets to be too much, just tell me. The last thing I want is to lose you from being pressured into it.” He whispers and I shake my head.

This is sloppy. I’m tired. I don’t wanna work tomorrow.

GIF creds to owner

“Ahh, my favorite person!” Manny opened the door after I knocked. “What’s up!” I hug him and he kissed my head. “We’re just waiting on you and Shawn, who isn’t with you?” He seemed just as confused as I was.

“Yeah, I think he’s at the studio still, I just decided to come over here without him.” I put my jacket on the rack, Manny leading me to the dinner table.

“My girl!” Karen yells and I hug her tightly. “Where’s Ali?” I ask and they both give me a look. “Wanted to go out with friends, family time is annoying at this age.” Karen rolls her eyes and it makes me chuckle.

I absolutely love Shawn’s family, they let me come to their house when Shawn’s on tour, they constantly invite me out for supper, they check in on me at least once a week, I couldn’t ask for a better relationship with my fiancé’s family.

“Well, let’s sit down. Want anything to drink?” She asks and I hesitate before I sit down. “I’ll get a glass of water.” I turn and Manny stops me. “I got it!”

I smile warmly and sit down with Karen, Manny comes back soon with a glass of wine and water. I give my thanks before sipping on it slowly. The food on the table looked absolutely wonderful, roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, beans, rolls. I mean the whole shebang.

“It looks amazing Karen, sorry Shawn isn’t here yet.” I pout a little, I wasn’t surprised honestly. It’s been like that for weeks now and I don’t know how he wanted me to feel about it. Maybe it’s been months, I don’t know, I’ve just learned to cope with it.

“He’d show up late to his own funeral if he could.” Manny joked and I felt like it was Shawn here, I missed his sense of humor and dad jokes.

“How’s the planning going?”

“Oh you know, slowly but surely. Shawn’s been so busy, it’s kind of hard to come to an agreement.”

“He is helping, right? Don’t let him make you do it on your own.”

His mom's scolding was cute, but I still felt the need to lie for him. He didn’t help a bit on the wedding plans, even when I asked and I never realized how much I’ve done alone until now.

“He helps when he can!” I lie straight through my teeth and I see her give me a weary smile.

I look at my phone shortly, hoping Shawn had sent a message to my previous one asking if he’d show up. There was absolutely no response and it was not even seen.

“Y/n, tell us about your promotion! Your mom had mentioned it at work the other day.” I smiled at the friendship between both of our moms, it was amazing. It also helped that they worked together at a real estate company.

“I get to go to the firms and work with the lawyers now, instead of just sitting on the sidelines. I’ll most likely do paperwork or assistant type things, but it’s still the idea of sitting with the council. I finish law school soon so this is just perfect training.” I explain and Manny’s eyes widen.

“No way! That’s amazing hun! Is that why Shawn posted that picture at the club the other night? A good celebration?” He asks and my smile faltered. “Um, well no. He, he went out with his friends to celebrate the song they finished. I worked at the restaurant that night.” I explained and their faces fell too. Truth was that I didn’t even get the chance to tell him, he was so excited about that song that I didn’t want to try to outdo him on it. He had been in a lyrical bend for a week prior to that day.

“Well, you two got to celebrate right?”

“Not exactly, but it’s okay! I celebrated with my mom and dad, though. It’s nothing that big! I mean once I graduate law school, it’ll be a big deal.”

“That’s not right, you worked so hard to get moved up. We’ll throw a party for Shawn’s side. You deserve all the praise.”

—

“Well, it’s been 20 minutes, let’s dig in. No sense in the food getting cold.” Manny said and I made a small plate of food. The nerves of tonight made my appetite decline.

We all ate in almost silence, I had sent Shawn a few voicemails and texts. The knots in my stomach were mostly from overthinking a lot of things in my life.

I felt like everything had been downhill since the proposal, which sounded completely awful. I feel like he did it to just keep me at bay for a while, make sure I was content so he could stay in the studio. I had nothing against his music and I love it fully; but if there ever came a day to wed me or wed his music, I’d be afraid of the outcome.

He’s such a hard worker and I would never want to make him choose, but I feel like I’m a little baby and giving me a ring was like giving me a pacifier; it kept everything at bay with planning and I didn’t have time to realize his total absence.

I felt like I could vomit just at the thought, so I slowly halted my eating. “Everything okay?” Karen’s eyes danced with worry and I nodded quickly. “Ate too fast.” I lied. They tried to ignore it and I just continued to look down at my plate sadly.

My mind went back to what Manny said about the clubbing, my heart hurt that I didn’t even get the chance to tell him. I knew I couldn’t be mad at anyone but myself because I could tell him at any point, but my good heart just tells me to let him have his moment.

“I made your absolute favorite dessert, Peanut Butter Pie, with cookie crust because you hate pie shells!” Karen was thrilled and I smiled warmly. “You’re too good to me.” That wasn’t was a lie for sure; they were both gracious and wonderful.

I took a small bite of the pie, my heart was so happy to have them but my fear of losing them made my heart soar. All of the doubts I was having right now made me panic internally.

The thoughts of Shawn maybe not wanting me as a wife and only doing this to satisfy me made me worry.

The front door opened and my heart hoped it was Shawn for sanity sake, but it was his beautiful sister. “Y/n!” She came to my side to give me a hug.

“Where’s Shawn, he bailed again?” She groans and I felt tears spring to my eyes. I kept my head low as I nod. “Yeah, I guess he’s just so busy.”

I felt all of them staring at me, I didn’t want to let them see me bawl my eyes out, so I shot up quickly to hide in the bathroom.

—

After a good 5-8 minutes of crying softly, a knock was placed on the door of the downstairs bathroom. “Hey doll, it’s Karen. Can I come in?” She asks so sweetly, I turned the lock carefully.

“Sorry about that.” I wiped the tears off and sniffled loudly. “Hey, there’s no need to apologize to me. I raised two kids and I’ve seen plenty of tears.” She got on the floor with me, I felt awful about that.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong? Was it us?” She asks and I look at her scared eyes. “No way! Your family is beyond amazing to me and my family. I just feel a little bad today, no biggie.” I brush it off to make her feel better and she pouts.

“My son is the problem, talk to me so I won’t have to punish my grown man-child.”

“I’m just not enough for him, you know? I’m average, I work a crappy internship and at a small restaurant to feel validated to him. I’m overly clingy and my heart is too sweet to let someone I love know they’ve absolutely crushed me. I’m average looking, I could lose some weight and I’m actually trash. I don’t like all the fancy things like Shawn, I don’t really fit into his lifestyle. Honestly, he probably doesn’t even want to marry me! I mean it’s like there's a ring, please stay hopeful that I love you and try to plan a wedding for a superstar and his mid-average fiancé.” I was ranting and blabbering, my tears had resurfaced before I had the first sentence finished.

“You don’t mean that. There’s no way you could possibly not be enough for him. I remember the day he came home from your first date, the whole hour prior to leaving he hated that I set him up with a coworkers daughter. Then, he came home with those sparkly eyes and was talking to Manny about how unrealistic you were. How crazy that something that good could possibly show up in his hectic life. He told his dad that he couldn’t wait for the next second he got to spend with you.” She explains and I smile at the memory.

“Yeah, that was then though. I’m still below average and I really don’t fit in anymore. That boy is constantly changing and I don’t know if I can keep up with me being my boring self.”

“I thought the same with Manny, he was a business owner and I sold houses, I wasn’t that special. I was afraid I couldn’t keep up but it turns out a good team knows how someone has to carry the torch a little bit further ahead. Some days you’ll be at the same pace or there are other days where someone is the turtle. It isn’t about who is ahead or behind, it’s about how you cross the finish line together.”

“I understand what you mean, I just don’t know how to ever approach him. I lied earlier, Shawn doesn’t even know I got promoted. I was going to tell him but he was so happy to finally get a song done, I knew he was in a rut. I can’t even make him happy and I know music does, I knew I could’ve told him anytime after that but I thought it was dumb too because it’s insignificant to his happiness. I wouldn’t want to bore him.”

“He loves you, he would be happy to hear that you’re happy. He brags about you constantly, he even bragged when you made it through your first tattoo session. He loves you.”

“I guess, I can’t remember the last time he said it nor can I remember the last time he slept in bed with me. I mean I know he’s asleep in the house because he’s thinking of a song but I miss him. I can’t ask him to give up music, I’m not that important compared to that.”

I tried so hard not to sob my eyes out in front of my soon-to-be-mother in law. I really didn’t want to even talk to her about it because I shouldn’t load my drama onto her about her son. I should’ve just cried myself to sleep like any other Thursday night.

“The night before he proposed, he came over to show us the ring. He bought it somewhere in Italy months prior because he knew that was the ring he wanted on your finger. I know he’s an idiot sometimes, he’s my spawn so I can say it, but he does love you. Manny talked about me that way when we were dating, engaged, and still now. I know he’s a mess but he does love you.”

I give her a hug and pull back to grab some tissues off the counter. I wipe the rest of my tears off for the sake of Karen and I’s relationship. I was still hurting so bad because his mom was telling me this but not him. It’s held minimum value even though I loved her.

We both stood up and I had a weak smile. “I shouldn’t have even done that, I’m so sorry. I’ll see ya Karen, love you bye!” I zipped out of the bathroom and bolted to the door.

“Wait!” Ali’s voice stopped me and I turned to her worried face. “Are you and Shawn do? Is everything okay?” She asked quickly and my heart broke. I didn’t even think that far. “It’s all good sweet girl, I just need to go home. I love you okay?” I kiss her forehead, bid Manny goodbye, and made it back to my car before the 4th round of tears.

—-

I found my way to the old walkway behind our old apartment. It wasn’t as awkward as it sounded because behind our old apartment meant 2 miles down the road yet it was accessible somewhere close to the house. Not important. I walked up to the trail, the stars were shiny and the slightly red moon was beautiful.

My phone was buzzing off the hook; between my mom, Shawn’s mom, Ali, and then Shawn. I could only imagine that his mom went off on him.

Deciding to turn off my phone seemed to be the best bet for now. I know it’s hard to love in our generation, even more so when my love is displayed online. And between such a caring family. Therefore, it’s so much for satisfying to just breathe.

I hadn’t even noticed that an hour had passed, I just felt so at ease with the cool air and pretty sky. The tears were off and on but they weren’t as bad. I had to at least face Shawn, even if it was cliche, we never left things hostile or rough between us.

When I pulled up to the house, Shawn’s car was parked there and I could see all the lights on. I took a deep breath before unlocking the door.

“Y/n?” Shawn’s voice was traveling down the stairs as ran down them. “Yeah, it’s me.”

“Where’ve you been? My mom told me something wasn’t right and she was concerned for us. Ali said she’s afraid you’re gonna leave, dad wants to murder me. Baby, please tell me what’s goin’ on.” He tried to take my hand and I pull it away, sticking them into my pockets.

“W-we need to talk.” I stutter out and I could see every ounce of fear soak through his body

He leads us to the dining room table and I see the flowers there, I try not to smile. “I picked them up before my mom yelled at me over the phone.”

“I’m not good enough for you.” I rip the bandaid right off and his eyes widen. “Are you insane? You’re more than enough.”

“I could probably never make you as happy as music or touring can. I don’t really have anything interesting about me anymore. I got promoted at work and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it isn’t that special.”

“Babe-“

“Wedding planning is very stressful. I don’t think you want to really marry me, I mean it’s not like you are right? I mean it was probably just a way to settle me down so you could work on music. Don’t get me wrong, I support you like I support eating chicken nuggets, but you don’t even help. I can’t remember the last time you said you loved me and I tell myself that you're busy with work so you don’t want to sleep with me, but maybe I’m just not something you want to wake up or fall asleep to anymore.”

“Can I plea-“

“I used to always be afraid that you would wake up one day and realize that I’m not enough. I-i think we both see that now. So I get it if you want to leave me, I’m not meant for your constantly changing lifestyle. I don’t like the same fancy things as you and maybe you’re meant to be with someone fully committed to the same things you love. I’m sorry.”

I had tears rushing down my face as I cried loudly, I didn’t even like to cry in front of him, but it didn’t help that he also had tears in his eyes.

“Baby, I love you more than I think anyone has ever loved something. I’m so sorry I neglected you and you are perfectly validated in my eyes. You never ever have to question if you’re enough because I’m the one questioning if I am. I literally don’t know how you love someone constantly on the move. You give so much of yourself to me and I could never thank you enough. I love you so much and I guess I never realized how absent I’ve been in our love.” He stopped his speech for a second to let out a very pained choke of air, I wanted to reach for his hand but it felt like mine weighed a thousand pounds.

“I wanted to marry you after our 3rd date. That sounds so silly but I wanted a ring on your finger for years now, but I knew I needed to wait when the time was right. I- I can’t believe I have made you think I didn’t love you or want to be with you solely for the reason that I get to be a family with you. It was never ever the reasoning you think, I did it solely because the love I feel for you couldn’t be contained to just a boyfriend. I’ll help you restart planning or help you find someone to plan it, whatever you want, I’ll do. You’re my fucking soulmate. I’m so sorry.”

He cried and never looked me in the eyes, I honestly have never seen him cry this hard. It didn’t matter how sad I was over our relationship, I couldn’t stand to see his pain this intensely.

“I didn’t lay with you because I didn’t want to wake you up, I knew how hard you’ve been working to get promoted at the firm, I didn’t want you being sleep deprived because of my constantly moving figure. Which by the way, I am so happy you’re promoted. You literally deserve it all because you are the hardest working woman I know. I wish you would’ve told me sooner. Oh God, I love waking up to you and id do some questionable things just to get to hold you at night. I could never love my music as much as I love you, music makes me happy but you make me live. You know me like the back of my hand, I could never possibly unlove you. I am so sorry, please understand.”

“I do understand and I should’ve come to you sooner, I’m just afraid Shawn. Always.”

“I am too, but I know there is no one else I’d rather face every tomorrow with. Can we call it a truce and let me make you a bowl of ice cream? I can put on Mulan and hold you.” He raised his eyebrows.

Nothing made my heart soar like that mischievous smile that also held so much love. “Fine, I could care less about anything m we watched or ate, I just want you.”

“So you don’t care about anything we get to eat?” He smirked

😂😂😂I love Luke so much

Idk what this is... I wrote it in 15 mins so it’s probably trash

Pure fluff with some tired cute fluff, GIF creds to owner

“Sorry to drag you along with me to the store, we can always go back home and I’ll come back later. I know you’re exhausted from work and it’s your first week back. I should’ve shopped beforehand.” I was a blubbering mess and he just gave me a tired grin.

“Anywhere you are is home.” He grins and I roll my eyes. “Literally shut the fuck up you cringe-full fool.” I go to shove his shoulder and he grabs my hand to pull me into his side. “I’m kidding, well not really, but I’m fine with just going to a store at 9 p.m.” Calum’s infectiously goofy smile made me grin too.

“Are you sure, I’m sorry I didn’t shop beforehand,” I mumble as I grab a cart and start making my way towards the dairy section. “You’ve been busy with finals all week, you’ve been just as busy so don’t worry about it.” He kisses the side of my head and I smile more. “I appreciate that.”

“So like, can I get some cookie dough?”

“You’re a multi-millionaire and you’re asking me if you can get cookie dough, really?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I shake my head as he puts a few packages of cookie dough into the basket as I pick up some eggs. I grab some cheese sticks and a gallon of milk. “There’s honestly two types of shoppers.” He jokes as he watches me pick up the essentials.

“Well, budgeting is a lifestyle, Cal.” I poke fun and he sticks his tongue out.

I move towards the cereal, he eats the shit out of that more than anything. I pull the Froot Loops and Cap’n Crunch family size boxes as he just follows behind like a lost puppy.

I continue shopping that way for a while before I ended up in the clothes section. I had gotten so sidetracked from finishing groceries. I look up to ask Cal about a shirt but I stopped in my tracks when I see his droopy eyes and a big yawn escaping.

I put the shirt down and grab his warm hand, he blinked so slowly and it made me feel guilty for keeping him up. “Let’s checkout. You’re exhausted.” I give a small smile and head towards the line, he stood behind me with his arms wrapped around the front of me.

He sluggishly helped me unload the cart onto the conveyor belt, I stand in front of the card reader waiting for the guy to finish up, Cal graciously loaded them into the cart again after they were bagged.

The total comes up and I pull my card out, Calum booty-bumping me out of the way and swiping his card before I even had the chance to. I pout a little but I see his competitive smile and I roll my eyes.

We give our goodbyes to the cashier and make our way to the car. “I could’ve paid tonight, you didn’t have to,” I mumble and he chuckles. “Yeah I know, but as you said, I am a multi-millionaire.” He acts like he was bragging and I snicker quietly.

We load up the trunk and put the cart back, I snatch the keys from Calum’s hand and run to the driver's seat, jumping in before he could physically remove me.

“Babyyyyy,” he strung out the last letter and continued to get into the passenger side. “Babe, your bags under your eyes are sponsored by Gucci and Jet-Lag, I can drive home.” I revved up the car and backed out.

Between the cool air, dark skies, and his already present drowsiness, he was out by the time I made it onto the interstate.

——

I carefully and quietly unloaded the car with it running, I have never sprinted back and forth so fast just to get it done. I wanted Cal to sleep as long as he could so he didn’t feel obligated to help when he was this exhausted.

“Calum, baby, we’re home.” I shake his right shoulder gently, he stretched slightly before releasing the seatbelt. I help him out and start towards the front door. “Baby, the groceries.” He mumbled and I laughed to myself. “They’re inside already, cmon.”

Once inside I lead him to the living room to sit for a while, I unloaded the groceries quickly, I could see his sleepy figure on the couch. I smiled to myself as he was trying so hard to stay awake.

I folded up the paper bags and stick them beside the fridge. “Hey babe, are you ready to go to bed?” I ask and he slowly nods, standing up even slower.

I grab his hand as we ascend the staircase, I couldn’t wait to be his arms but also our bed.

Once we made it to our room, we both strip down and he hands me the shirt he was wearing, I slipped it over me quickly. He flopped in bed and I was close in pursuit.

“Thank you for unloading the groceries, I’m sorry I didn’t help at all.”

“I’m sorry I made you go out, I knew you were tired and I should’ve either waited or went earlier. I’m sorry.”

The guilt built more when I saw his baggy eyes blink so slowly. He pushed some tiny hairs away from my face and then just brushed my face with his calloused fingers.

“Babe, stop feeling guilty about that, I’m not concerned about it. We both survived, slowly and tiredly, but we made it out with cookie dough.” He joked so quietly, the tiredness seems to take away the volume.

“You’re goofy babe,” I slightly laugh and he grins softly.

“Can I be honest with you?” He asks and I nod, weird to ask considering we were always honest.

“You keep apologizing and it reminds me of when you took me home to your parents like the 3rd time. You were very hangry and making cookies from scratch, you had just put them in the oven and then loaded up the dishwasher. I hopped onto the counter to sit and I just took time to admire you, per usual, but it felt so wholesome,” I go to open my mouth to talk about how I didn’t know what he was talking about, he lays his hand over it.

“Your mom came in, saw us and she jokingly said something along the lines of ‘you’re forcing a millionaire to watch you make cookies, doesn’t he have anything better to do.’ She walked out of the room and you apologized the whole time because you figured it was accurate but it wasn’t. It still isn’t. I knew when I got to watch you work you're way around the house and just made cookies so peacefully with me, I knew I wanted to see it again years down the road. I wanted to see you being my best friend as we got to do subtle yet loving things, and I get to do that. So, you inviting me to go shop because you still wanted to spend time with my tired ass and even letting me sleep through your whole unloading session, buying my favorite cereals without thought, or even thinking you’d pay for groceries... you just you make up my whole life. I wouldn’t change cookie making or tired grocery shopping for anything. Literally anything.” His speech was so slurred and slow from drowsiness but it still made me grin ear to ear.

“I’m gonna have to ship you around a plane for a couple of hours a day so you’re jet-lagged, you’re a lot more sentimental and cute.” I joke and kiss his forehead softly.

“I just really love you.” He mumbled and I could tell all of the energy went into the speech.

“Calum, I love you more than life. I would sell my left kidney just to make sure I got to spend time with you. I cherish any moment or memory I get to share with you.” I run my thumb over his silver hairline. He smiled so warmly and tiredly.

“Why your left one? Not the right?” He mumbled and I snickered. “I was hoping I could get more for it being my left.”

“Baby, I’m so tired and I want to stay up to talk about kidneys and my love for you, but I’m so tired.” He whined and I kissed his pouty lips quickly.

“Good night babe, I love you forever.”

y’all I found this old gem, headcannon.

This shit is dumb, sorry.

Gif creds to owner

“I’m not coming back Shawn, I need a break” the words fell off my tongue before I even had a chance to process them. I knew in my heart it was exactly what I needed too, not even because of our argument.

“Baby,” his voice came off strangled, I saw the tears instantly and it absolutely killed me. It didn’t matter how many times we’ve fought or wanted to scream, the tears of someone you love is the hardest tears to see.

“I didn’t mean what I said, at all. I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me like this. I can’t fucking lose you.” He sobbed and I had to choke back my own. I needed to be strong to make it through this.

“I’m not breaking up with you Shawn,” I mumbled and he looked up so quickly that I was convinced that he’d obtain whiplash.

“What?” He asks with the hope of a small child.

“I’m taking a break, I need time to become myself again. Become someone who will be herself even when you’re not around. I give myself to you and your lifestyle so much that I never realized I don’t take care of myself the way I should. You were right when you said that I depend too much on you and that I’m too needy.”

“God, I should’ve never said that. Fuck. If anything, I’m needier than you are. I want you to be the happiest version of yourself and I’m so sorry I’m causing this much of a riff.”

“Shawn, this was a problem within me before we even had this fight tonight. If I’m being honest, I’m more upset with myself than the fucking fight, I’m honestly over that. I just don’t need to be with you anymore.”

“What?” His voice crumbled once again, I mentally punched myself for not analyzing my words further.

“No no, I want to be with you and I still fucking love you. I’m just apparently really bad with grammar. I mean I need to take some time away from you. I need to breathe and become me again. Please.” I explain myself and I see him relax some.

“I’ll wait for you. Even if it’s 10 years from now and you’re taking your sweet time, I’d be waiting with open arms.” He whispers as he kisses my forehead gently.

“I’m going to stay with a friend. I’m going to go pack and I’ll let you know who I’m staying with, I promise I don’t mean to hurt you.”

“You shouldn’t apologize for it, honey, it would hurt me worse to know you were suffocating in your own skin while I paraded around without knowledge of it.” He kisses my forehead once again and I engulf him in a hug.

“Shawn, I fucking love you. Okay?” I ask and he nods before repeating it.

———

“Today we have Shawn Mendes in the station with us, how are ya, buddy?” I almost flipped that channel but I heard them say his name, my heart rupturing some.

“I am doing good, you guys doing okay?” He replies and my heart ached at the sound of his sweet voice coming through the speakers of my car.

I hadn’t heard his voice in almost 4 months, it was so hard not to call him every day and tell him about my day. Or to drive to his apartment to make those disgusting ass oatmeal cookies that he loved dearly, he was the worst assistant when making them, but it always made us laugh. Or to call him to tell him I heard his album that he dropped last month, that I was so proud of his lyrical talent.

“We heard from a little birdie that you were releasing a new single today from the album?” They ask and I heard his fucking giggle, I always loved that giggle. It was the one of pure joy when his music was about to be released and he’d get to make the fans happy. I figured it would be WWYITM, it’s a very radio song (which isn’t a bad thing).

“I heard from a little birdie that you guys were gonna play it today.” He stated boldly and it made me laugh, he’s silly as hell.

“Well, you heard the boss. Here is When You’re Ready by Shawn Mendes.” The guy said and I had to stop myself from slamming on my brakes in the middle of the fucking interstate. When I heard this song when it was released, I knew it was for sure meant for me to hear... hell, he used what we said before I left. Not to help that it was the last song on the album, it sealed the deal.

The song played and I had tears running down my face rapidly, I fucking missed this guy. I had solely been off social media sites, besides when my friend told me that his album came out, I had started to eat healthier and workout, heck I even gave up coffee!

I got a new job that actually makes me beyond happy and I fit in so much better, my coworkers had so much more in common with me. I felt happy and airy, constantly.

So when his song played, I was trying to figure out why the hell I hadn’t run back into those loving arms yet. Why I hadn’t told him all the good I had been feeling? If I love him so dearly, why the fuck am I not with him?

“Wow! What a good song, dude. I have to ask, are you and your long term lover Y/n broken up? That's some deep stuff.” The guy who finally said his name, Lewis, asked and I feared the answer. I was so glad I had pulled into my friend's driveway before I had a heart attack.

“You’re right, it is some deep stuff. I am still very much in love with her and very much in a relationship. As any couple has felt this way, we’re going through things. We’re 21-year-olds who are trying to live in this society, we have things we need to work on and there’s not a day that I want to waste on not waiting for her... even when I have her, I’ll wait on her forever. Something that good shouldn’t slip through your fingertips. I’d wait forever, as long as she waits for me. She’s the one for me.”

“That’s so touching, I’m so glad that there are couples like you in this world. I’m also so glad you could stop by when we got to show this region that beautiful song.” Lewis complimented before Shawn said his goodbyes too.

I cried my eyes out at his little mantra, I didn’t even process that I was backing out of the parking spot. My mind leads me to where my heart needed to be... with him.

I was parked outside of his house, our house? I sat on the small bench we bought at some thrift store, I refused to buy some fancy ass one. I heard the car door slam and feet running towards me, looking up to see Shawn’s hopeful eyes.

“Y/n.” He spoke like he was out of breath, but he wasn’t.

“Hey, can we talk?” I ask and he nods quickly.

“It’s pretty hot out here baby, you still have your key. You could’ve gone in.” He scolds and I laugh a little.

“I’m so sorry,” I was already a crying mess the minute I walked into his house. I saw all of our photos were in the same place, the house was tidy and it was like I never left. So many memories flooded through.

“I know baby, there’s nothing to be sorry about. God, I love you so much and I will wait until you are ready.” He has some tears too.

“I heard your interview earlier, I was driving home from work and it just hit me so hard. I heard your album last month, which was amazing by the way, but like it hit different today because I knew it was time. I’ve been doing so well recently and I just know you’re the missing piece. I need you.” I was talking so fast but he listened so intently.

He didn’t say anything but he kissed me so hard, wrapping his arms around me. I didn’t know how much I missed his hugs and loving. He pulled back to start to wipe my tears off, he had so much love in his eyes.

“The words in the song are beyond true. I went to my dad after you left, he told me that you were the one, he could just tell. He told me to keep my head held high because a love like ours would last a lifetime. Because I know he’s right, I didn’t even fight it because we make it through tours and time zones, it’s always been us. I know love the most when I’m with you and you’re in my arms.”

“You’re the best thing in my life. I could never find someone like you again in this lifetime. So if you’d have me, I would love to come home.”

my cousin told me that my uncle almost bought the two of us tickets to go see Shawn + VIP shit for St. Louis, but figured we didn’t want to miss work... I’m not cRYIN U ARE... FUCK MY JOB LMAO

Fluffy angst

My heart, wow I want his kids

GIF creds to owner

“You’re not my mom, so stop acting like it. Not that you’d be good at it anyways! I hate you!” Shawn’s 11-year-old daughter, Ella, yelled at me earlier... yet it still rang through my ears.

It was true, I wasn’t her biological mom but I married Shawn when she was 7 1/2 and since then I’ve helped raise her. Her mom was kinda active in her life and I would never want to replace her, but it wasn’t like I didn’t see her as my own.

Shawn had stepped out to go get lunch for us all after the whirlwind of emotions we had gone through this morning. Between Ella’s mom not showing up to pick her up and my pregnancy giving off too many hormones, we were all filled with uneasiness.

I had only wanted to help her because I could tell how disappointed she was since her mom bailed, again. I knew damn well I was being too pushy and I just had to fix it, but I made it worse, and her preteen hormones kicked in.

I know kids say things they don’t mean when they’re mad, hell, adults do it too. It’s just that I know it hit me harder because I am carrying Shawn’s kid. I’m going to be a mom in less than 4 months and I’ve always questioned if I’ll be a good mom to her. Then, the added stress of not knowing if Ella would be jealous and hate her sister added on to it.

I felt tears run down my face rapidly as I ate out of the tub of ice cream, I felt so awful as a person. I tried so hard to just push it off but I couldn’t. So I continued to just cry and eat.

—

I was in our room when I heard Shawn come through the front door, I fixed myself to look like I hadn’t been sobbing my eyes out. “Girls! I’m home and have food!” He yelled and I heard Ella open her door and I waited until she was down the stairs before I made my way down too.

“I picked up some more ice cream, I noticed we were almost out,” Shawn mentioned as he held up the tub for me to see before placing it in the freezers. “Thanks,” I mumbled with a smile and dug out my meal from the bag.

I sat down at the table, dipping my fries into the ranch solemnly as Shawn and Ella chatted about hockey. I loved their bond and before today, I knew Ella and I had our own bond.

“Ya feeling okay?” Shawn asks and Ella gives me a pleading look, so I nod my head. “I’m fine, just super tired today.” I lie and continue to eat.

——

The night proceeded on as they watched hockey and Harry Potter, but I just felt nothing but heartache at the sight. I knew I was the reason she was upset for tonight because I was overly motherlike and I would soon be the reason she’d be angry because I was having a kid.

“I’m gonna head to bed, I’ll see you two curly-heads in the morning,” I mumble and make my way to the staircase, tears already started to make their way down my cheeks. I stopped halfway to suck in air, I was trying my hardest not to let a sob escape my quivering lips.

“You okay?” I heard Shawn yell from the living room. I cleared my throat quietly before giving him a response.

When we got to the room, I went to the bookshelf by the closet door, I found the old photo album from a few years ago.

I flipped through the pages of pictures, Ella had her brown curls a mess on our wedding night, it made me giggle a little. She reminded me so much of her dad, she had his hair and laugh, the big brown eyes and kind soul, even though she could say some mean things I knew how much of a heart she had.

I skipped through the album to some of her first “big girl” recitals at the dance studio, I remembered how she cried on my shoulder that night because her mom didn’t show up.

I had to choke back more cries as I tried not to think of all the times I had tried to be her mom, maybe I tried too fucking hard. I had pushed her away and made her hate me, literally.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on?” I hadn’t even heard Shawn’s footsteps come up the stairs. I push the album aside and wipe my tears away quickly. “Nothing. Nothing, just hormones.” I lie and turn the bedside light off, trying to make it seem like I was getting ready for bed.

“You’ve been acting different since lunch, what’s going on?” He flipped the light back on and got closer to me, I just shook my head.

“It’s honestly nothing, you should be having fun with El.” I tried to crack a smile but he wasn’t taking it.

“I’ll go back down there when you tell me what’s wrong.”

“I tried to console Ella today and she snapped at me, no big deal okay.” I tried to play it off and he crossed his arms.

“What’d she say?” He asks and I shake my head, it was one stern look and I was a blubbery mess.

“Sh-She told me I wasn’t her mom and that I wouldn’t be good a-at it anyways. She sai-said she hated me.” I forced the sentences out while I sobbed into my hands, admitting it hurt like hell.

His mouth fell agape and I could see his cheeks getting red with anger.

“Babygirl, I swear I’ll have a talk with her. I’m so sorry that she said that and you know as well as I do that you’ve been the best mother figure to her. You’re gonna make an amazing mother to our other daughter, you already are to Ella.” He comforts and I sniffle some more.

“What if I’m not? What if she hates me more because I’m some new mom to a little sister and she still hates me, she hates that we got married. I’m so sorry.” I sob into my hands and he jumped forward to hold me in his arms.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay darling. You are so amazing to the both of us and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s just being a brat because she’s hurt. She loves you and you know that I’m so sorry you’re hurting.” He whispers and rubs my back soothingly.

“You’re sure?” I ask and he nods quickly.

“Ella!” Shawn yells and my eyes widen drastically. “Shawn, no I don’t want to let her see me like this!” I flip the light off and he turns it on just as quickly.

Ella came into the room and I was trying to sink further into the bed but I couldn’t. “Yeah, dad?” She asks and he moves so she can see me.

“You really hurt Y/n’s feelings this morning, I need you to see how bad.” He scolds and she looks at me, her eyes widen.

“I- I am so sorry Y/n. I didn’t mean what I said and I was just being mean.” Her lip quivered and it made me feel awful for even being upset over it.

“Just because you were mad doesn’t mean you get to say hurtful things. Words have an impact.” Shawn scorns her and she had tears falling out of her pretty hazel eyes.

“I know and I’m so sorry!” She cried and I opened my arms for her, she came over quickly and jumped in bed beside me. She cried on my shoulder and I felt my heart warm some.

“I’m just so mad at my mom because she’s never there for me and I want her to be like you. She never cares!” She sobs and I look over to Shawn, I see his heartbreak too.

“She cares about you,” I whisper and she shakes her head. “No she doesn’t and I’m mad because when my sister comes you’re not going to care about me anymore either! You’re going to just be her mom.” She was choking on her tears and I sit her up quickly.

“Hey, that’s not true. You’ve been a big part of my life and I love you even though I didn’t have you. I’ll love you just as much as I love your sister, okay? You’re my girl, Ella, I wouldn’t trade you for the world.” I brush the stray curls out of her eyes, they had fallen out of her bun.

“Babygirl, y/n and I will not love you any less just because we’re having a baby. You’re my world, all of you are.” Shawn held his arms out and she leaped into his too.

I sniffled the rest of my tears back in and she pulled away from Shawn. “I wanna call you mom but I don’t wanna betray my other mom.” She cried some more and I rub her shoulder soothingly, it touched my heart that she even wanted to call me mom.

“I can be Y/n or mom, either way, I’m going to love you the same,” I tell her and she gives me a big hug. “I love you, okay? Can you please come back downstairs to watch the movie with us?” She asks and I kiss her head, giving her a short nod.

“I’m going to make you some popcorn!” She ran out of the room and Shawn gave me a smile. “See, I told you so.” He kisses my hand and I shook my head. “I love you, you know that?” He adds and I nod slowly.

“I love you too.” I kiss his cheek and he wraps his lean arms around me.

Tag list: @calssunflower

GIF creds to owner

“When did you walk out?” My moms' voice caught my attention, we were at our local cafe. I stayed at a friends house for a few days before I realized I honestly needed my mom the most.

“What do you mean?” I ask and she gives me a look, I hadn’t told her that I was taking a break from Luke. “I walked out last Thursday.” I sigh, I had already been caught by her. “Jenna had sent me a text this morning asking how you were holding up, I had no clue what she meant so I had to connect a few dots.” She pointed at a raspberry jam filled croissant, the worker handing it to her. I pointed to the double chocolate chip muffin. We paid for our stuff and walked to some empty seats.

“I don’t think I broke up with Luke but my heart sure as hell hurts as I have. I don’t know what’s wrong with us mom. It didn’t feel the same.” I use a fork to dissect it before I eat it.

“He hasn’t hit you or anything, right?” She looks up expectingly, I shake my head quickly. “No, we just argue nonstop. I didn’t feel loved anymore.”

“That’s what sucks about relationships, you lose a part of them every time something happens. You start to love them a little less only because you never opened those pretty eyes of yours.” She says while biting into the croissant.

“It’s like we never were on the same page, he was still an ocean away while I was stuck at home. We just didn’t feel the same and I just miss the old us.” I felt tears start to sting in my eyes, my heart was beating so quickly.

“You know what I think your issue is, the both of you really?” She sips on some water and I shrug. “You two never accepted that everything is going to change and you didn’t change with each other. You’ve always been horrible and change and that’s something Luke is constantly doing.”

“Well, it’s hard to keep up with someone who wants to change all of sudden and leave me out of it.” I was mad that he did change and I couldn’t keep up.

“Love isn’t just falling in love with a guy you met when you were 19 or 20. You have to fall in love with the boy who grew his hair out and put glitter on his eyelids. The guy who wears stars and lightning rods on his boot. He’s the same boy who had a lip ring and used a lot of hair wax. You can’t attach yourself to one version of him, you have to love every stage of him. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you’ve got to learn to accept that.” She munched on the food and I pushed my back, my feelings were all over the place which began to make me nauseous.

“When we argued mom, I told him if he walked out of the house, we were done. He walked out on me, told me I was living like a queen. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate his money because it’s more than enough, but I have my own job. I have money to buy myself shit, but he made me feel like a gold digger, an annoying gold digger.”

“You two need a serious heart to heart, it might end in a heartache greater than anything, a breakup will hurt you deeply. You built a house and a home within him, you have to decide if it’s time to light the house on fire. You can leave it to ashes or add another room.”

“Can we go back to your house?” I ask and she nods quickly. My heart was hurting and I could’ve sworn someone stuck a knife through it.

——

“Hi babe, it’s Luke, it’s been 3 weeks, I just wanted to know if we could grab a coffee at the place down the road from our house. I’ll be there tonight at 7 if you don’t show then I’ll know it’s really over. I’m sorry and I love you.” I read the text to my mom and she gave a look of sadness.

“Are you going?” She asks, she looked down at her watch. “I don’t know,” I mumbled, running my hand through my knotted hair. “You look awful, you only have an hour to get ready if so.” She stands up and I groan. “I don’t know mom, I’m indecisive.” I rub my temples.

“You at least need closure and so does he, even if you end it tonight after you talk, at least it ended with more than just leaving him alone at a coffee shop.”

“I guess.” I roll off the bed and made my way into the shower, more tears fell once I stood under the water. I just thought, which was scarier than anything, because I’ve stopped doing that for 2 weeks now. I don’t want to feel.

—

I parked outside of the cafe 10 minutes ago, it was now 7:12. I could see Luke inside of the coffee shop, he had his head down and a cup of iced coffee beside him. A drink in front of him and I could only assume it was supposed to be mine.

I didn’t want to get out of the car. This building held so many memories for us, this was the first place we came to the day after we moved in, we had no groceries or coffee. I see myself coming here at 2 am because it’s the only place around us that’s open all night, I had run out because Luke and I fought. I didn’t like all the memories here, I can’t imagine breaking up with him here...

I got out of the car, my head hung low the whole way down the sidewalk. Just as I went to grab the handle, it hit me roughly. “Fuck!” I groan and rub my hand that was throbbing from being hit. “I’m so sorry! Fuck!” I look up to see Luke; his ocean colored eyes were droopy, darker than usual, and red. My heart sunk more into the hollowness of my chest.

“H-hi. Do you want to come inside?” He was stuttering and I could see him shake a little. “Sure.” I walked ahead and sat at a random booth, he set the coffee in front of me and I sipped it.

“I messed up, big time. This is worse than it’s ever been before.” Luke spoke quietly and I couldn’t stand to look him in the eye, I’d fall back in immediately.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you. I sat in the car for 10 minutes wondering if I could ever look at this place the same if we broke up. I just think we were two kids who fell in love too quick and I don’t think I have any left in me.” He moved his hand toward me and I moved it away.

“I’m sorry for the things I said, the more I thought about it the past three weeks, the more I realized I basically made you out to be a gold digger. I know you’re needy and clingy, you have a job you do and spend that money on, you stay home every Saturday because you need relaxation. I get it and I should’ve never made you feel bad for that. I should’ve stayed home more, let you know I would take care of you, love you so much harder than ever. I’m just not the same as you knew when we first met and I want to become a version of a guy you can love now, I don’t want to lose you this suddenly.”

I finally looked up to him, his eyes were beyond full of tears, the bloodshot red was deeper than before. I took in how his curls were so untamed and his outfit didn’t match at all.

“I have a lot of myself up for you Luke, I don’t think I can give anymore. I don’t know if I can force myself to fall into an ocean knowing damn well I can’t swim. I get that we both change all the time, my mom pointed that out to me, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to adapt at this point.”

He just stared at me for a second, his eyes were searching for any type of hope. I turned my head away to watch the lights of cars dancing past.

“I’ve already talked to the band and to the company, I’m taking time off. I want to rediscover us, I feel like we haven’t had the best time together in ages. We can travel the world, stay at home with Piggy, who by the way, misses you tons. We could do anything, but I want to get to know you. Our bodies and souls might change, but my love for you never will.”

“That’s the issue Luke, I didn’t even feel loved. I felt like a roommate.” I sigh and he grabs my hand, holding it securely. “I know I’m an ass, I’m stone cold and hard to read, but I have never ever stopped loving you. I never stopped kissing your forehead when I came home, appreciating the lamps you left on, the cooked suppers in the fridge, I loved your sleeping figure beside mine. I’m sorry I didn’t show you but god I love you so much.” He rants and I just felt like my heart hurt worse.

“I don’t want to say yes to coming home and spend this time walking on eggshells, waiting for one of us to snap. I can’t live in a trapped moment forever, I don’t want to feel this way ever again.” I wipe the tears off quickly.

“Then its a deal, we get to meet each other all over again.” He smiles warmly and his eyes were sparkly again. I must’ve stared into them too long or there was some kind of voodoo going on, but I nodded along. “Fine.”

He sticks his hand out and I tilt my head slightly. “Hi, I’m Luke Hemmings. I’m originally from Australia and I moved to Cali about 3 years ago, want me to show you back to my house?” He flirts and I shake his hand slowly.

“Only if I get to sleep on the right side of that nice bed.”

“Oh so you’ve been in my house, are you a stalker? Should I be concerned?”

“No, not anymore.” I smile at him and he caught the drift.