#lukehemmingasterlist

Tag list: @calssunflower

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“When did you walk out?” My moms' voice caught my attention, we were at our local cafe. I stayed at a friends house for a few days before I realized I honestly needed my mom the most.

“What do you mean?” I ask and she gives me a look, I hadn’t told her that I was taking a break from Luke. “I walked out last Thursday.” I sigh, I had already been caught by her. “Jenna had sent me a text this morning asking how you were holding up, I had no clue what she meant so I had to connect a few dots.” She pointed at a raspberry jam filled croissant, the worker handing it to her. I pointed to the double chocolate chip muffin. We paid for our stuff and walked to some empty seats.

“I don’t think I broke up with Luke but my heart sure as hell hurts as I have. I don’t know what’s wrong with us mom. It didn’t feel the same.” I use a fork to dissect it before I eat it.

“He hasn’t hit you or anything, right?” She looks up expectingly, I shake my head quickly. “No, we just argue nonstop. I didn’t feel loved anymore.”

“That’s what sucks about relationships, you lose a part of them every time something happens. You start to love them a little less only because you never opened those pretty eyes of yours.” She says while biting into the croissant.

“It’s like we never were on the same page, he was still an ocean away while I was stuck at home. We just didn’t feel the same and I just miss the old us.” I felt tears start to sting in my eyes, my heart was beating so quickly.

“You know what I think your issue is, the both of you really?” She sips on some water and I shrug. “You two never accepted that everything is going to change and you didn’t change with each other. You’ve always been horrible and change and that’s something Luke is constantly doing.”

“Well, it’s hard to keep up with someone who wants to change all of sudden and leave me out of it.” I was mad that he did change and I couldn’t keep up.

“Love isn’t just falling in love with a guy you met when you were 19 or 20. You have to fall in love with the boy who grew his hair out and put glitter on his eyelids. The guy who wears stars and lightning rods on his boot. He’s the same boy who had a lip ring and used a lot of hair wax. You can’t attach yourself to one version of him, you have to love every stage of him. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you’ve got to learn to accept that.” She munched on the food and I pushed my back, my feelings were all over the place which began to make me nauseous.

“When we argued mom, I told him if he walked out of the house, we were done. He walked out on me, told me I was living like a queen. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate his money because it’s more than enough, but I have my own job. I have money to buy myself shit, but he made me feel like a gold digger, an annoying gold digger.”

“You two need a serious heart to heart, it might end in a heartache greater than anything, a breakup will hurt you deeply. You built a house and a home within him, you have to decide if it’s time to light the house on fire. You can leave it to ashes or add another room.”

“Can we go back to your house?” I ask and she nods quickly. My heart was hurting and I could’ve sworn someone stuck a knife through it.

——

“Hi babe, it’s Luke, it’s been 3 weeks, I just wanted to know if we could grab a coffee at the place down the road from our house. I’ll be there tonight at 7 if you don’t show then I’ll know it’s really over. I’m sorry and I love you.” I read the text to my mom and she gave a look of sadness.

“Are you going?” She asks, she looked down at her watch. “I don’t know,” I mumbled, running my hand through my knotted hair. “You look awful, you only have an hour to get ready if so.” She stands up and I groan. “I don’t know mom, I’m indecisive.” I rub my temples.

“You at least need closure and so does he, even if you end it tonight after you talk, at least it ended with more than just leaving him alone at a coffee shop.”

“I guess.” I roll off the bed and made my way into the shower, more tears fell once I stood under the water. I just thought, which was scarier than anything, because I’ve stopped doing that for 2 weeks now. I don’t want to feel.

—

I parked outside of the cafe 10 minutes ago, it was now 7:12. I could see Luke inside of the coffee shop, he had his head down and a cup of iced coffee beside him. A drink in front of him and I could only assume it was supposed to be mine.

I didn’t want to get out of the car. This building held so many memories for us, this was the first place we came to the day after we moved in, we had no groceries or coffee. I see myself coming here at 2 am because it’s the only place around us that’s open all night, I had run out because Luke and I fought. I didn’t like all the memories here, I can’t imagine breaking up with him here...

I got out of the car, my head hung low the whole way down the sidewalk. Just as I went to grab the handle, it hit me roughly. “Fuck!” I groan and rub my hand that was throbbing from being hit. “I’m so sorry! Fuck!” I look up to see Luke; his ocean colored eyes were droopy, darker than usual, and red. My heart sunk more into the hollowness of my chest.

“H-hi. Do you want to come inside?” He was stuttering and I could see him shake a little. “Sure.” I walked ahead and sat at a random booth, he set the coffee in front of me and I sipped it.

“I messed up, big time. This is worse than it’s ever been before.” Luke spoke quietly and I couldn’t stand to look him in the eye, I’d fall back in immediately.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you. I sat in the car for 10 minutes wondering if I could ever look at this place the same if we broke up. I just think we were two kids who fell in love too quick and I don’t think I have any left in me.” He moved his hand toward me and I moved it away.

“I’m sorry for the things I said, the more I thought about it the past three weeks, the more I realized I basically made you out to be a gold digger. I know you’re needy and clingy, you have a job you do and spend that money on, you stay home every Saturday because you need relaxation. I get it and I should’ve never made you feel bad for that. I should’ve stayed home more, let you know I would take care of you, love you so much harder than ever. I’m just not the same as you knew when we first met and I want to become a version of a guy you can love now, I don’t want to lose you this suddenly.”

I finally looked up to him, his eyes were beyond full of tears, the bloodshot red was deeper than before. I took in how his curls were so untamed and his outfit didn’t match at all.

“I have a lot of myself up for you Luke, I don’t think I can give anymore. I don’t know if I can force myself to fall into an ocean knowing damn well I can’t swim. I get that we both change all the time, my mom pointed that out to me, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to adapt at this point.”

He just stared at me for a second, his eyes were searching for any type of hope. I turned my head away to watch the lights of cars dancing past.

“I’ve already talked to the band and to the company, I’m taking time off. I want to rediscover us, I feel like we haven’t had the best time together in ages. We can travel the world, stay at home with Piggy, who by the way, misses you tons. We could do anything, but I want to get to know you. Our bodies and souls might change, but my love for you never will.”

“That’s the issue Luke, I didn’t even feel loved. I felt like a roommate.” I sigh and he grabs my hand, holding it securely. “I know I’m an ass, I’m stone cold and hard to read, but I have never ever stopped loving you. I never stopped kissing your forehead when I came home, appreciating the lamps you left on, the cooked suppers in the fridge, I loved your sleeping figure beside mine. I’m sorry I didn’t show you but god I love you so much.” He rants and I just felt like my heart hurt worse.

“I don’t want to say yes to coming home and spend this time walking on eggshells, waiting for one of us to snap. I can’t live in a trapped moment forever, I don’t want to feel this way ever again.” I wipe the tears off quickly.

“Then its a deal, we get to meet each other all over again.” He smiles warmly and his eyes were sparkly again. I must’ve stared into them too long or there was some kind of voodoo going on, but I nodded along. “Fine.”

He sticks his hand out and I tilt my head slightly. “Hi, I’m Luke Hemmings. I’m originally from Australia and I moved to Cali about 3 years ago, want me to show you back to my house?” He flirts and I shake his hand slowly.

“Only if I get to sleep on the right side of that nice bed.”

“Oh so you’ve been in my house, are you a stalker? Should I be concerned?”

“No, not anymore.” I smile at him and he caught the drift.