I am partly religious, or a very lose definition of religious, but I do believe in God and Salvation and that only God can really save my life, so if these are your beliefs as well then good, if not, please don't judge me? This will be kind of long so I apologize in advance but I am truly grateful and I want to express it.
I have always felt terrible for being different, horrible to the point where I was sad and angry at myself for not being like everyone else. I would question my life and my existence. I would often ask myself why it was that I did not fit in at school, work or even at home. My whole family is basically the complete opposite of me. They are friendly and outgoing, they share the same interests in music and movies, and they speak the same way. I donโt laugh at the things they laugh at, I donโt like the music they like, I donโt smile much and I donโt talk to people if I donโt have to. This caused a lot of problems growing up, I would always get lectured and punished for not speaking to people during family gatherings or having my earphones on while others kids were socializing.
Not long ago a coworker asked me what character or book I related to the most and at the time I couldnโt answer him because I didnโt know. The question came out of nowhere so it took me by surprise, but I pondered on it for a while and about a week after thinking, I finally came to an interesting conclusion. I relate most to *Sinclair* in *Demian* by *Hermann Hesse* (I found this book because of Blood, Sweat and Tears), you want to know why? Because of the two worlds he describes; thatโs how I have felt since I was 9. Sinclair says that there was a dark world outside his house, that held evil and there was his home, which was a world that held light and goodness. Most of my life I felt like I had to divide myself, and this would break me, tear me to pieces and confuse me. At the age of 9 my parents started going to church, and during some time I was focused on God and my sight was on the Lord but after a while I fell and desired to do all the things they prohibited. Like listening to secular music, reading books I shouldnโt read, think thoughts that were wrong and slowly I began to lose myself in my wretched ways. At the age of 13, they became pastors, this was even harder on me, so after a while I began smoking, not to the point where I was an addict but still it was bad. I would sometimes drink, again, not to get drunk but just to experience life outside of the goodness. Its funny how the bad calls out to you, how the โevilโ seems so attractive. After some time I was back on good terms with my faith and I left all of that, but then I fell, again. Yet, through all this time, I never fit in. During my rebellious days, I would be one person in church and at home and a totally different person in school and with my friends. What would hurt even more was that my parents would always ask me to spend more time in church and with church goers than with my school friends, they would tell me to make friends at church because in the end those would be the real friends and again I lost myself. I made a lot of mistakes, I mean A LOT. Some I know will stay with me forever and haunt me until the day I die. I have never felt understood, never felt like I could be myself and be accepted for who I am. And yes, I know my family loves me, I know they try but I know there is some contempt because I still donโt find their jokes funny or take part in their interests. Even though they love me I know sometimes, deep down they wish I was different. Sometimes I still wonder why I am so different, why I am so broken. Why canโt I accept myself? As much as it pains me to admit this, it hurts because I feel so alone. I envy people who can go out and make friends just by being themselves, because I canโt. And maybe I am meant to be alone, but I know now no matter how sad I feel, I can plug my earphones in and listen to BTS, and for that time I am accepted. Through their music I find peace and quiet, I smile, and I feel at home. Iโve never met them, Iโm 100% sure if I ever saw them I would run the opposite way because I would be too shy to speak to them, but from the bottom of my heart I am grateful for their music and the message they spread. I know everybody is different, and everybody needs to find their way; maybe someday I will. But for now I am comforted knowing I can listen to them and slowly begin the process of healing, because I know someone else is also listening to their music in the same way I am: It makes me feel like I am not alone in this world.
Maybe someone needs to hear this, if not, thank you for listening. And if you need someone to talk to when you feel alone, let me know. I am willing to listen.
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turnnoffyourmind
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