#disappoinment

I had seen chinese tourists doing unthinkable things in public on Instagram. On the airplane why are they speaking English, in Singapore hotels about third-party, and jewerly stores breaking things. I suggest all chinese tourists that doesn't know English. They should know basic English phrases. Just learn NOT ALL hotels will accept third-party. I suggest book on official hotel website instead of third-party. when traveling, respect the culture. It's okay if you can't afford the jewerly, just don't buy it. you don't have to make a scene and break things!!!! that is NOT a normal behavior you see in public!!!!!

OVERHEARD

“So, given the realities,” I asked, “where are the consolations?”

Four months ago, I talked about disappointment in this blog. When something doesn't matched your expectations, you are bound to get dissapointed. Last time, I experienced a physical reaction towards it. This time, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just felt numb.

I know that rejection doesn't mean the end of the world, it's just a part of life. The universe isn't always saying "no" to my requests but I felt helpless like it has abandoned me. It was to the point that I'm afraid to ever dream of anything. It's paralyzing if anything.

I personally felt the highlight of young people like me is to have dreams but I'm struggling to have dreams? I kept asking myself "What is it that you want?" but I couldn't answer, I'm even scared to hope. It's contradictory and I'm often frustrated to the point of crying, in these past few days.

It's just a few days since the disappointing news and I'm not ready to talk about it, just circling around it. Talking about it means re-assessing my long term goals (which is not clear) and I'm scared to do that. I'm not exactly dilly-dallying with my time and life so far. In fact, I've had trouble living in the moment or even exploring and enjoying life.

At the core, I'm always guilt tripping myself that I don't need others to do that for me. You don't need to tell me that I'm wasting my time, I'm always thinking about it. You don't need to tell me that I might be single my whole life, it does occured to me. Well, it's self sabotaging, I know.

So maybe that's why, my first reaction was to shut down all of my feelings. Like a faucet, I blocked off the water and in the few days to come, I'm letting out the water little by little. Technically, it's only just been around 4-5 days but I hated myself for taking so long to pick myself up. I felt that every second I took to recover, I'm actually losing time.

I know this is such a negative perspective on life. I'm tired these past few days of feeling this way too. The only time I felt okay was me not thinking about this. Sooner or later though, I need to face this and when I do, I hope I'll be unapologetic about me dreaming and hoping again.

The secret that I had for about a month, and on the very rare occasions when I accompany my parents to their church. I worked in the church’s regional office as an admin assistant and I was holding back a lot of things. I have dear friends who are queer and trans and I don’t think that they are a sinner, they are just people. There is the sticky concern about my beliefs in which I have…