Everything to do but sit here.

So, like I said in my reply, I think that entire scene was about Jax not recognising that he more or less had been given the same grace they were giving Kinger. Or at least that that grace was available.

And I think it has basically everything to do with how Jax was raised.

You know, Jax has been told from a very very young age that he did “man” wrong. He was being too kind, too polite, too vulnerable.

Arguably, you can see where his mom, grieving her failed relationship with his dad who abandoned them, got to that point. Jax made her think of her lost love and instead of being able to move on from that heartbreak, and instead of prioritising her son, she just… decided to shove and push. She probably didn’t really think Jax “wasn’t man enough” those were feelings she wanted to hurl at a man who left her a single mom, not a 6 year old who just wanted affection and love and attention from his mom.

But she couldn’t be loving or affectionate or vulnerable so she told Jax it was a problem on his part.

And Jax internalised it. How could he not? He was too young and sheltered to learn anything else.

So Jax had a very stark contrast between “what a boy is supposed to be” and “what a girl is supposed to be”

And I swear that has precedence in the interaction you’re talking about, mostly because it has precedence in every action Jax takes.

And listen, I’m 10,000% here for Transfem Jax, but I do think it’s a little tragic that Jax never even got to be a guy, like not really. (What I’m saying is genderfluid Jax having not one but two gender crises would be very fun to explore ☆-☆)

Anyway, I think Jax lived his entire life prior to the circus in fight or flight mode.

It’s a reality for a lot of abused kids and I don’t think Jax was much more than 18 when everything happened with his mom. He was at the end of his rope.

He understood the cruel violence, the laughter and emotional abuse.

But her being gentle and hugging him?

The quote “when you’re used to abuse kindness feels painful” is a very common experience for abuse victims. Every alarm in Jax’s fight or flight went off.

So he pushed and he ran. And he ended up in the circus.

And then Ribbit’s there, being everything Jax has ever known about girls.

Because in his mind, Jax is “mean, angry, selfish, unloving, sarcastic, jerk” because that’s what his mom taught him about being a man

And in his mind, Ribbit is “beautiful, awesome, funny, kind, amazing, graceful, sweet, powerful, manipulative, evil(?)” woman

Because that’s what his mom taught him she was, that’s what Jax thinks a girl is/has to be.

So when Jax is vulnerable, and Ribbit is kind, Jax pushes.

And hey! Now he has a new thing to hate himself for!

And suddenly, all eyes are on him! Everyone is judging him! Especially Kaufmo!

And then who should appear but Gangle and then Zooble?!

All these girls! (Or people Jax perceives as girls, afaik Zooble hadn’t had their gender crisis yet anyway)

Girls who are awesome and wonderful and manipulative and cruel.

Gangle who’s absolutely beautiful and sweet and kind and everything Jax has built girls up to be, literally walking ribbons, like the bow Ribbit tried to give him. She is a cruel reminder. Jax better shove first this time.

Ragatha, sweet and kind and gentle, like what a mom is supposed to be? Can’t trust that at all.

And Zooble?! Walking around being all… different? Even before Zooble had their gender identity crisis, it was clear that they were different from what his mom told him a girl or a boy is supposed to be.

So why does Zooble get that and Jax is locked behind a wall, away from it?

It’s the tragedy of being raised a certain way, Jax probably has never looked at the things his mom said and did to him and specifically said “shit I was really abused, huh?”

He hasn’t been able to get close enough to people to have that realisation. And sure maybe he’s got it on surface level, but he’d have to recognise something was wrong with the way he’s been raised to think, to think about himself and others, to really understand what’s happening with his own viewpoint.

So Jax pushes and he hates himself for it, and he’s been building a case against himself for years now. He’s kept an internal record of everything he’s ever done wrong and he uses it as an excuse to make everyone around him angry at him, make them hate him.

Because violence and hate feel normal. Class clowns choose to be clowns because they’re not really able to tell the difference between positive or negative attention. If the teacher isn’t yelling at them are they even actually being seen or heard at all?

And then he makes a big mistake, a mistake everyone calls him out for, a mistake that everyone seems to be really upset about.

The buttons.

And he’s thinking “okay, everyone’s mad at me about this and it’s not really in the way I wanted them to be.”

Because now it doesn’t just feel like Jax is “a mean selfish man” and it doesn’t feel like Jax is the “loveable asshole” or “the funny one”

Now it feels like, to Jax, that everyone is thinking of him as a traitor. A threat, an imposter.

And then there’s Kinger.

Kinger is kind. He’s vulnerable, and patient, and sweet and caring. He’s loving and supportive.

He’s a dad. He’s a man in his what, mid forties? (I don’t remember)

He’s literally everything that Jax thought men couldn’t be.

I think Jax had chalked it up to Kinger being crazy. So that’s another reason why the scene with the bucket kind of hit Jax hard.

Granted, it’s definitely not just the gender feels that have been hitting Jax this entire time. Jax has been taking comfort in denial this whole time. He’s basically entirely convinced himself that the circus is fake.

Because if the circus is real then all the shoving people away is too. All the hurt he hates himself for is real. What happened to Ribbit was real.

But anyway, it does have to do with Kinger and gender too.

So then Kinger messes up. He messes up arguably the worst anyone could mess up in their specific situation. He killed God.

And Jax is thinking something along the lines of like “oh, well since he’s not crazy anymore and he’s “a man” the girls and ‘whatever Zooble is’ are going to tear into him big time!”

And Jax is like “Oh, it’ll be nice to see it happen to someone other than me.”

And then they don’t. Because Kinger is vulnerable, he apologises and doesn’t deflect, he takes responsibility. He basically models what “being a good man” really means

And Jax is like

“Wait?! Wait! Why? Why does Kinger get this and I don’t?!”

But… they absolutely could give Jax that sort of forgiveness and comfort and vulnerability.

The way Pomni especially is looking at Jax…

It’s not so much that Jax is being a hypocrite in that scene, as that Jax is wanting what Kinger has, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it.

And Jax has a reputation for pushing when people are vulnerable towards him.

So I feel like Jax is saying

“Why him but not me 🥺”

And Pomni is like looking at him, basically thinking: “You too. You just have to ask.”

And Jax is like “well fuck that.”

It’s later revealed at least to the audience that the main character (who I think is either non-binary or a girl I can’t remember well enough though) is not a base species at all but is more closer related to one of the “evil” creatures that they’re fighting, I don’t remember enough of it really to go from there, I know I was very invested in it but it went on a hiatus and I’ve lost the bookmark for the website it was on.

The website itself had a honeycomb logo I think (?)

The last thing I remember is that the main character was getting like spirited away so to speak by some magic gold light that only they could see?