Ink Through My Veins

Dear readers,

Tonight I’m thinking about how easily a person gets stuck in an event of their life. Humans are the greatest narrators of their lives. They can unknowingly construct versions of themselves that allow them to cope with trauma and difficulty, to suppress the past or to stay connected to it, strive for an ideal that matches their desires, and the list goes on.

This is an incredible power of us humans. We have the capacity of intelligence that we’re not always aware of. 

I’m not proposing this is inherently good or bad. I’m neutral about it. 

What I’m suggesting is that any event in our life is a drop in the ocean. It’s part of everything else in our lives.

Who were you when you remember experiencing the yearning to quench your desire and passions for the first time? Were you 16 years old? 19? 20? 

Who were you when all of this was taken away from you in a split second of a moment because somebody broke your heart, they took away someone you dearly loved, you failed at something or reality was shaping into a bitter-sweet blurry painting in the perpetual path known as life? Were you 30? Maybe 36? 

What about the person you are when you let go of needing to hold onto these wants and needs, all while they remain a desire you long to satisfy so that you are still sane on this Earth and not a floating matter in a vast universe of uncertainty? Were you young or old? 

When was the first time you got in touch with all of your darkest moments and fantasies, and then broke free from them because you conquered your shadow side? Does it still bother you? How old were you when this happened?

I could go on and on. 

I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. I don’t know what you’ve been through. But if you’re still breathing you have conquered many events. You are your experiences and the depths of your being that shaped them into your emotions, your choices and your thinking today.

All of these things happened. You might have went through so many stages, each of which either transformed you for the better or for the worst, or maybe both. 

So why does only one moment matter so much? Why does it end there? 

I believe it is a person’s inability to survive their past and their unwillingness to let go of controlling the future. 

Perhaps if past, present and future became one, we would just be ourselves. But that isn’t what our society and culture is designed to do. We’re bound by systems. Some parts of the world are rendered hopeless in war, poverty and trauma and they can’t keep up with the latest technology and resources to become sustainable nations of the future. So it makes sense why they cannot be themselves. Some parts of the world are hopeless because of status anxiety driven by unrealistic expectations of success and romance, and people can’t keep up with a fast-paced change of culture in the technological and political arena. 

It seems this misalignment instils doubt in an existing vulnerability within ourselves, driving us further away from inner-awareness and acceptance.

I guess I don’t know the answer myself. But I flow with experiences and judge as less as possible. Being adaptable and an observer has served me positively so far. 

Thank you for reading,

Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekhov 

... No, not that kind of cheater. I’m not a relationship cheater, before you all get excited about this piece of gossip. 

I’m a diet cheater! I have cheat days. I stick by a healthy diet religiously except on Friday nights and sometimes on Saturday. 

I can’t resist all the foods I miss out on while maintaining my healthy eating lifestyle, which is a lifestyle I’m passionate for and love. But my weakness is chocolate ice cream, lemon cake, Mexicano pizza (it consists of spicy minced beef, red onions, tomato puree, jalapenos, you know - the whole shebang), Lindt chocolate truffles, feta cheese. Oh, I could go on, so I’ll stop.

So there you have it. I’m prone to deviate from the ways of the healthy eating lifestyle.

Yet how am I still so passionate and engaged with healthy eating? I don’t get this.

Anyway, I woke up today and didn’t want any of that cheat stuff. 

I went straight for an omelette, a bit of feta cheese, cucumbers, a cup of tea and a bottle of cold water. 

It’s almost 2PM now and I’m craving for a meaty dinner tonight. That can only be a good thing, right? 

However, it occurred to me that being strict and all-or-nothing about what you should eat and what you personally enjoy is the problem. I don’t have to hang by an entire day of purely healthy eating and then an entire day of purely other foods I’ve cut out of my diet for the large part. 

I’m still going to have ice cream tonight. 

And that’s a new way of cheating I’m about to integrate in my eating lifestyle. I’m not going to have a full cheat day any more, unless I’m gone on an intimate day out or some kind of date night. I’m going to continue swearing by healthy foods whilst not being hard on myself as to make room for some of my weaknesses, like chocolate, lemon cake, ice cream and all of that jazz. 

Dear readers,

Recently I had a sudden reaction of distancing myself from some people. It wasn’t because I had anything against them but it was for seeking clarity in a tug of war I’ve been going through in myself lately. 

I have a conflicting phase sometimes. It happens perhaps 4 times a year. I used to think something was wrong with me - in a world that praises and values pleasure over pain - there are untold ways to understand our states and emotions. 

I’m acutely aware of my inner states. I sense them and feel them, as if they’re glued to my very existence without a choice. I feel deeply and vehemently. It’s surprising for people who know me to learn this, because I struggle being vocal about what’s going on inside me. A relentless desire to understand this inner universe through outwardly manifested contexts, experiences and adventures leaves me in the hands of time to see my expression unfolding. 

This is why I lose my voice and reason in a crowd if I stuck around long enough to swallow the poison of a passive and incomplete perspective, which doesn’t align with my individual effort of becoming aware of myself and growing thusly. The more I allow myself to replenish my universe, the more I can make an impact in humanity and give something worthwhile back. 

I’m always trying to understand myself. A worthless pursuit, you might say. But it was the most real thing to me and has never dried up my zeal of being alive, basking in gratitude for all that I have done and become.

Where you feel misunderstood for choosing what you do, how you do it, and why, you only have yourself to understand without blaming others. I walk away from everything because I want to be accountable over myself. 

I live in shades of grey, and I’m averse to what a black and white world does to life. Living in the middle ground has been like a walk on a thin plank - a risky business indeed - but there’s an adventurous island waiting on the other side. 

I have many wonderful friends in my life, and I cherish them wholeheartedly. I’ve come in contact with a few most amazing souls that I hold dearly in my heart. 

But I’ve spent a long time being alone - you can say that it started at the time I was enduring harsh tummy cramps, which found its way in an even more painful belly of a beast that could only be solved through a medical surgery. 

I’ve known pain for 8 years. It’s gone now. But I’ve lived with it. I hated it, resisted it, gave up because of it. Then I accepted it, embraced it, and made it my reason to fight. I walked hand in hand with it and took it right into a solution that would get rid of it once and for all. 

Pain is as interesting and meaningful to me as pleasure. I don’t run away from pain like I used to, like many humans try to do, for the sake of a happiness I can’t understand. 

I just do what I can to limit and diminish pain, while seeking to express all that I already am in order to be happy. Happiness isn’t something to be sought. It is within me already. It’s dwelling in me, and it’s one of my eternal states. I just have to find it with reason, purpose and passion in my world, so this is also why I need to walk away sometimes. 

I always come back. I come back with a joy for simplicity and connection. I’m driven primarily by passion and my desire to spread inspiration and positivity. 

Going through a repeated cycle of a fierce metamorphosis throughout my life, as far as I remember, has assisted me in the quest to understand the beautiful and harsh realities of the world in a better way than I could cope with once upon a time. 

I’m at the stage - and have been for a couple of years - where I esteem adaptability. I have concerned myself less with trying to change anything, and want to make a difference in most things instead. I’ve noticed this generates the ability to make a change when you truly see something worth the fight to change. 

I’m back with the wondeful BBC team in the Birmingham Studios this week - 4 whole days - and I’m excited.

Oh yeah, they didn’t allow me to take a lot of pictures, due to privacy of what goes on in there (I promise you, nothing dodgy goes on in there). So obviously, me being me, I was taking pics on the low, and subtle ones like my visitor pass.

That’s boring, right? Well I’d have been kicked out like a holiday suitcase if I got caught taking photos like a tourist.

The only thing I’m not looking forward to is I have to juggle my project with these guys AND my crew in the University where I normally work. 

Life, have mercy on me. I can get through this. Fingers crossed. 

The week after this will be Swansea in Wales, which I’m so, so, soooo excited for! 

It’ll be a mini vacation to get away from all things Birmingham, but it’s work related too! I’ll be documenting several narratives in Swansea Uni and, of course, networking, then out I go to get down time. 

The Prayer of A Fallen Soldier

Summer cascades in every colour. I had not known a time of year more inviting than this. It was the morning of 26th August, 6am, that I woke up feeling cold. I felt overwhelmed as I rushed to the gigantic window of my room. I was eager to close the window but I immediately stopped, the moment that the crisp of August romanced my bare arms. 

Gently, mildly, teasingly. 

This morning I saw the years gone by. Youth is alive; but the departures left strands of pathways as old and wise as 100 years. The pain trembles my path, and it aches my bones. The past, present and future were caught in parallels and I lived between them, somewhere in an oblivion where identity is nothing but the clothes, make-up and formalities I presented to the world. 

Hereupon, the numbing cold touches my skin secretly and lovingly, and a feeling that cast away for years struck a chord in me. It felt strangely nice and foreign. I tried to recognise it. It was familiar to me, like touching something beautiful to absorb its sensory delight, yet it didn't reach inside of me. 

Pain took me far away from this feeling that I'm pulled to so intensely, like reaching the surface of the sea after a long time of drowning. Once again I can breathe, and get to know the life I wasn't allowed to have. What you’re taken away from is the home you don’t want thrown in your path, because you’ll walk in and find yourself disappointed. I want to build a new home and revive these feelings with the seed of a prayer. My prayer is the truest home I have ever known -- the body as my vessel that carries everything I was, am and want to become. There’s no home like the one I carry with me. I've never felt so free. 

I was afraid to return to my home after being thrown in a battlefield of a thousand daggers, threatening me with the hostility of pain, and some of which stabbed me until I was stripped down to my bones. My body was my worst enemy, yet an enemy becomes friendly when you learn its language.

My prayer cannot be to chant the words of a wishful desire, nor to think I'm worthy of heaven. But I refuse to believe in any hell that exists worse than the indifference of life. My prayer are the sequences, instrumental notes, and the incremental steps that helped me to discover pathways of my mind, and empower myself to become whatever I set my mind to. 

Coming home to my body was like the creak of a wooden door, as the rays of sun pour in the dust of an old room. I like it here. I've tidied it up and redecorated it so that it’s ready for the future. 

To feel your innermost human makes reality your blank canvas. Meditate your way back to life. This is my only prayer. 

We block out the past because we don't want it to define us neither should we want it to; and the fact is, you can never try to keep things maintained exactly as they used to be because it’s a ghost in the present times. 

When things happen as they happened, they belong to the time that they have happened. This doesn't mean that we can't value our past. The bygones will remind you of the same emotions that are alive in you today as much as they were when they were felt at their peak. Only that today you’re less confident about them or have second guessed them, rationalized them or numbed them. 

The same state of consciousness you were in at the time you’ve experienced something is what makes the past valuable, and you can relive the same states in welcoming and embracing new experiences. You don't need old things in precisely the shape and form that you once had. You only need to create something new and worthwhile.

My head was heavy since I came home yesterday. I stayed awake for a few hours to hang out with my sister and chill out in the house but eventually I crawled beneath the covers and tried to make this pounding headache go away. 

I didn't get much sleep during the night and what was worse is that there is a nursery next door to my house where kids were rattling their toys really loudly. It didn't let me catch that extra hour of sleep I was craving in the morning.

I swear, I was an incredible hulk prepared to be unleashed any time soon. When I felt overwhelmed by three tasks at once, I snapped.

And I cried a little.

What was up with that? Either way, I’ve carried a lot of stress lately and need to outlet it, especially by saying no to the world and saying yes to myself.

The end.

Through all ages men have tried to fathom the meaning of life. They have realized that if some direction or meaning could be given to our actions, great human forces would be unleashed. So, very many answers must have been given to the question of the meaning of it all. But they have been of all different sorts, and the proponents of one answer have looked with horror at the actions of the believers in another. Horror, because from a disagreeing point of view all the great potentialities of the race were being channeled into a false and confining blind alley. In fact, it is from the history of the enormous monstrosities created by false belief that philosophers have realized the apparently infinite and wondrous capacities of human beings. The dream is to find the open channel.

What, then, is the meaning of it all? What can we say to dispel the mystery of existence?

If we take everything into account, not only what the ancients knew, but all of what we know today that they didn’t know, then I think that we must frankly admit that we do not know.

But, in admitting this, we have probably found the open channel.