ALamb2Slaughter

I write.

I post.

I consume.

I’m untaimed, and maybe a little untrained.

Long fingers with clean trimmed nails.

They roam, tracing curves and wandering inch’s of skin.

It’s just me in a bed too big for me.

Pinching, squeezing, and grabbing with a hunger.

Starved.

Desperate for touch.

Just a silly girl desperate to leave a mark.

Written in the sand and etched in the stars.

With death between us your much to far.

I could find a million reasons not to love you, to move on.

I’m counting the stars in the sky trying to figure out what one might be you.

Do you blink or shine?

Are you a molten yellow or a fiery red?

Will you burn out or guide me?

This hollow loneliness.

Does longing for you ever just go away because I’m desperate to feel okay.

I write. I workout. I care. I’m trying to move forward and grow but how do I get attention when I don’t crave my own.

I don’t feel enough. I don’t feel alright. I’m a mess and my head not right.

Anxious, waiting, taken.

A force so familiar but so unseen. An invisible force. A touch only know for me.

Or maybe I don’t want to.

Iv felt a million memories ripped from me.

The never ending cycle of lacking closure.

The sonic boom of endless what ifs.

Iv single handedly battled the doubt of believing in death.

Yet when my eyes remain closed and darkness cry’s out I only see you.

I feel you.

I touch you.

And I know I love you endlessly. But you ended and I stay stagnant in an ocean of every last goodbye, every last kissed pushed upon my unknowing lips.

I have loved you in every lifetime I remember, awake and asleep. But when I look for you I know that the love we shared in this lifetime is complete.

There will never be another first time because the last ones I remember were the last time.

I will never love another you it’s only when I succumb to slumber we are together.

And the day we reunite is when I fall to rest, forever.

I was terrified I would just stop, I’d wake up and you would be erased completely.

I broke down the last thing that made me think of you.

Where I was.

Who I was with.

How I felt.

And then I thought of you.

Fear.

Any slight happiness, joy, excitement, longing, sadness, void feeling.

I think of you.

Who would I become if every waking emotion wasn’t shadowed by the grief of your loss.

Almost anything, to not feel, to not hurt.

Free the burden of loss.

Let go of the pain embedded in my skin, my heart, my corrupt soul.

But to forget, I cannot.

I won’t give the pain of every memory itching at my sullen mind.

A endless tidal wave of begging for more.

A promised sorrow of days never end.

I wanted your forever, and I had it but your forever wasn’t as long as mine.

I’ll never take for granted our last kiss, our last moment, our last time.

A million chaotic ideas of what life could be.

A lifetime of just you and me.

I fought, clawed, begged, and pleaded.

I waited, tried, and fought for a reason.

I needed you when I couldn’t find myself.