Bronwen's Journal

Lydia was shocked when I said that, but then she remembered how different my life was before I came here, and she got quiet.

Anyway, we went to the shop and when I told Endarie and Taarie that we all needed clothes for one of Elenwen's parties on Middas they thought I was pulling a prank!

Of course, once they learned I was serious, Endarie's attitude went from sour to downright dreadful and even Taarie started to crack. They were giving each other those Looks that people give when they're trying to talk only with their eyebrows.

You know the ones.

Before Taarie's ponytails could join the conversation, I apologized for the short notice and said we didn't have any designs in mind or anything like that. They're the professionals! I said we trusted that no matter what they had time to make, we'd all look amazing.

That was just the right amount of flattery, and they both perked up. Endarie said it would be expensive, especially since it was a rush job, and I told her not to worry. I had her give me some base numbers while her sister took us into the back to get started on taking our measurements.

She wasn't kidding, but it's cheaper than I was expecting. Then again, I've been running off Cyrodiil numbers in my head.

While I was talking money with Endarie, Taarie was taking care of the guys. Once she got their measurements, she asked them a few questions, then ran off and returned with an armload of fabric, mostly in shades of blue.

She told Endarie how Valdimar was a College mage, so of course they had to put him in Winterhold colors. The way they were talking, I think they're going for something that looks obviously mage-like, but fashionable? I don't know what passes for "fashionable" here, but I'm sure they'll put together something nice.

I mean, blue looks good on him anyway, but it's sort of funny seeing how eager people are to point out that he's a mage every chance they get. It's like they're sharing some sort of secret or something.

Oh, Lydia and I both noticed something really cute!

Even though they figured out very quickly that Valdimar knows a lot about sewing and fabric and all that, they still kept looking to Erandur while they were talking about colors and such. They would do things like see if a certain shade looked better than the other, and then they'd ask Erandur if he agreed. I wondered why they were doing that at first, but then I realized they were asking Erandur for his opinion in the same way that merchants always talk to married couples like they're a single unit and not two separate people.

I could tell that Valdimar was nervous at the start, but once they started talking stitches and he could join in, he relaxed. Erandur was as calm as always, and later on he said that he's had lots of things custom-made for him. Clothes, jewelry, armor, weapons, his tattoos (obviously) - He said he's even had furniture made.

I sometimes wonder how much gold he's spent in his lifetime. It's gotta be a hefty sum!

Anyway, I didn't really know what to expect since I've never had clothes made before, but Lydia reminded me to tell them about my burns. They were surprised to hear how bad they were (I didn't show them) and said that while it would be a bit of a challenge, it was nothing they couldn't handle.

While they were starting to take Lydia's measurements, they asked me if I got an invite because I was the newest Thane in Jarl Elisif's court. They were surprised to hear that I was going as a "plus one", and asked who I was going with. They glanced at the guys and quickly gave each other Looks that said it couldn't be either of them.

HA!

I know they've seen Lydia following me around in her armor, so of course they didn't think it was her.

I would pay double the cost of our clothes for a picture of their faces when I said I was going with Lydia.

I just know Endarie was about to say something incredibly rude, because Taarie practically shoved the slate they'd been using to take notes on into her sister's face and just asked, "Oh, really?"

Taarie then asked Lydia if she was spelling her last name correctly (we hadn't given it to her) and she showed her the slate.

Lydia said yes, and Taarie asked her "dear sister" if she could please write down the numbers this time. She was tapping her finger on the slate, and I KNOW she was showing Endarie that Lydia was a Clawthane.

Yeah, it was an instant attitude adjustment.

Lydia just rolled her eyes, and then she… Changed.

She does this Thing where she goes quiet in places where people might recognize her, or if we're somewhere people already know who she is. She just clams up, and suddenly she's all stiff, polite smiles and perfect posture.

Not at all like herself, really. More like a doll.

I don't like it, and after I learned why she does it, I hate it even more.

After we finished, we went home for lunch. While Valdimar cleaned up from that (I sent Erandur next door to ask after dance lessons) I asked Lydia if that was why she kept her helm on all the time.

She said that was part of it. Her helm is "armor for her mind," too.

I didn't quite understand, and she confessed that she's not nearly as cool and calm as she looks when we're out and about. She's especially nervous when we're around people who know who she is.

She could never relax or be herself around anyone growing up because of The Gossip.

So, her armor protects more than her skin. When she's in it, she's not a Clawthane, she's just a housecarl, and she can get away with whatever her Thane says she can. She says she can laugh in it and speak her mind. She doesn't have to worry about a knife in her back; only mine. Her head's on a swivel, but only because of me.

She doesn't like regular crowds because she was raised to be paranoid of assassins, and she doesn't like fancy parties because of the small talk, which can be just as deadly.

Because of that, Lydia's DREADING Middas. She hates it, but I need to get into Elenwen's office, and she's met her. Lydia can talk with Elenwen about her mother and how her sister's pregnancy's going, because Polite Small Talk is just one of those things you do at these things. She can also talk to her about Winterhold, and keep her distracted so no one notices if I have to go off somewhere to rest because of my "condition".

At least, that's the plan. I know it's going to be awful for her, but Lydia agreed to take one for Team Dragonborn and focus all her energy on keeping Elenwen's eyes on her while I go off and snoop.

Even if that means she has to Make Nice with the Thalmor for an evening.

-/-/-/-/-/-

That was a nice stew, if I do say so myself!

Everyone else seemed to like it, too, so that's good.

Anyway, once we were done with lunch, we all went next door to the Bards' College for some emergency dance lessons, Jordis and the kids included. The students were happy for the break in their lessons, and so was Viarmo. He used the opportunity to show them how this was something a House Bard would be expected to do.

We all listened as he explained to the students that teaching is generally part of a Bard’s duty, and that includes dancing. Acting as Master of the Dance and helping guests avoid embarrassment is key to helping their patrons host a successful night.

Lydia and Jordis already know how, of course, and it only took about two songs to jog Erandur's memory enough for him to fall back into it.

I'm a good dancer, but I'll be the first to admit that the type of dancing I usually do is on tables after I've had a few!

So, Viarmo had the students play for us and observe while he lead our dance class. Since about half of the formal dances involve hand-offs, we needed some extra pairs with experience. He and Inge joined, along with Jordis and Giraud. He had me dance with Lydia, and Valdimar with Erandur.

Viarmo was happy to see that Valdimar's a fast learner, and I've got enough dance experience to know how to follow well so I look like I know what I'm doing.

I know Valdimar's light on his feet for a big guy, but we were all surprised at how well he did! I think it helps that he's good at memorizing things; I know he likes to quiz himself on what he reads in his books on the Dwemer.

Even Sofie and Alesan joined in! They were off to the side with some of the students, and Sofie kept going on about how much she liked all the music she hears coming from the College every day. Alesan said it was nice to listen to while he reads.

Maybe one of them will join once they're old enough? I know I heard Inge say that that younger they start on an instrument the better. Maybe she can start now, if she really wants to?

Hmm. I'll have to ask about that.

Oh, it was cute how flustered Giraud got over Jordis! He's a good dancer, but I swear he tripped over his feet every time she smiled at him. I pointed it out over dinner, and she said it was just him being his awkward self.

I don't think so! He's not awkward, for one, and she's not seen him casually like I have. He's never acted like that towards me or Lydia.

Still, she said it was nothing. I don't think so, but we'll see. I mean, Giraud's about twenty years older than she is, but it's not like it matters. Elves and humans get together all the time and no one cares.

I hope I can remember everything! We’re going to have another one tomorrow. Lydia said that Elenwen’s parties tend to only do a handful of the most popular ones, and so long as we join in for a few of them we’ll be all right.

Anyway, now that we're done eating, Lydia and I are going to head to the Winking Skeever. Delphine said that Malborn has the late shift at the Embassy, so he's not usually there until well past dinnertime.

I was also able to have a word with Inge. Erandur's birthday is coming up soon, and I want to get him an instrument. I figured if anyone would know what to get him or where to find one, it would be his old teacher.

She said she knows just the thing, but it'll take her a few days to get it. I'm glad I asked now; she doesn't have long!

-/-/-/-/-/-

All right, so - I met up with Malborn, and I learned the rest of the plan. I would say Lydia met him, too, but she already has, at least briefly.

He was sitting at a table by the little fireplace in there, and I joined him. I ordered us both a drink, and he simply nodded at me, calling me, “Imperial.”

I said our mutual friend sent me, and he was NOT impressed. He's actually the one doing the forging, on account of seeing the Thalmor official's handwriting all the time, and he's going to smuggle in whatever I need to get the job done.

I asked him what I should bring, and he was even less impressed. Admittedly, he calmed down some when I reminded him how cagey our “friend” is. She hardly told me anything, just that I’m supposed to get in there and get some papers. That’s IT.

At least we have a good cover! He did a double-take and his jaw almost hit the floor when I gestured to Lydia. He recognized her from the parties, and wanted to know how in Oblivion I got her on my side!

I explained that she was in fact my housecarl, and hated the Thalmor as much as we did. Not to mention all the times the Thalmor tried to kill us. Besides, it’s not like he can put my name on the invite. There’s a Death Warrant out there with my name on it, but at least they don't have much else to go on.

They’re looking for an Imperial, and when I put my hood back and showed him my ears, he nodded. He agreed that with the right makeup and a bit of help from some jewelry and whatnot, I should be able to pass as a Breton.

I asked if he knew about anyone who'd been invited from Winterhold, and he said no one was coming, so having Valdimar along was perfect. Elenwen was beside herself trying to get someone – ANYONE from Winterhold to respond to her, and that note from Tolfdir had her on edge.

He wasn’t sure if Valdimar would make her feel better or worse, but she wouldn't refuse an obvious Scholar from the College showing up, invite or no. Besides, he’s my housecarl, and she knows better than to refuse a Thane their housecarl, ESPECIALLY if they’re with a Clawthane.

I gestured for Lydia to come over and asked if we were all right. She said we were still good, and went back to wandering around the bar.

Malborn nodded at her, and she smiled back at him.

He said he didn’t recognize her at first because she wasn’t acting like her "usual" self.

Yeah. He wasn't surprised to hear that this is the real Lydia.

I said we’d have Erandur with us as well, and he was a bit more concerned about that. I pulled up my sleeves and said he’d be there as my Healer.

Malborn grimaced and said he hoped whatever I was wearing had long sleeves. He’s seen Conjuror’s Burn before, but not as bad as mine!

I still have some lightning marks on my face, and he said that I’d either have to cover them up, or trace over them with some silver or gold paint. If I was going to be honest about what happened in Winterhold, I might as well show it off, right?

I hadn’t thought of that, and he said that showing off war wounds and scars was getting to be all the rage in certain parts. Considering that Elenwen was throwing this party because of Ancano's stupidity, showing up with scars from him ought to drive the point home.

Whether or not it would be seen as being in poor taste or a stroke of political genius is anyone's guess, but he was eager to see her squirm either way!

Yeah, I’ll do it! Poor little me, a mere Adept of the College and victim of Ancano's wrath (who also just happens to be a Thane of Solitude) showing up to the party with her Housecarl and Healer in tow.

It's perfect.

I told Malborn I'd put a bag together and hand it to him tomorrow night. He said anything I can use to move around in undetected would be useful, and I think I have just the thing.

With that, I bid him farewell, and we left.

When we got back in, Jordis said a courier came by with a message for me while we were gone.

It was sealed note that said someone noticed me using my Shout in Dragon Bridge. It said not everyone was happy to see the Dragonborn return, but they were not one of those people. It gave me a hint that there was something in Autumnwatch Tower that could only be unlocked by the Dragonborn.

It was signed, "A Friend"

Huh.

The others don’t know what it means either, or where Autumnwatch Tower is. Maybe Delphine does and she can tell us when we're done with her mission.

Oh, well. Time for bed!

This tracks with what you learn about him later, but can also hint at other things. He says that he's from the Pale, and that he joined the Cult as a "young elf." He also says that he would like to visit his parent's resting place (implies that he knows where they are but has not been) and that they were "wonderful people."

According to the Lore, one of the things they do in the Cult is cut out the hearts of conscious sacrificial victims and replace them with Daedra hearts. Obviosuly, his parents weren't in the Cult.

We can't know how young he was when he joined, so this is where headcanon comes in, along with books, research and friends' advice. (I recommend the book "Influence" by Cialdini as a starter on Persuasion in general).

For Cults, especially violent ones, the younger the better, so I HC they recruited him as a child.

So, to recruit him, a child with wonderful parents, they would have to offer him something. Shelter and care is the obvious answer, and they would have to take actual, real care of him, because otherwise he would just run away and tell everyone what was going on in there.

Obviously if he had great parents, he wouldn't want to leave, so they would have to be dead. Cue Tragic/Sad Orphan Backstory.

Cults always offer something (usually something that sounds too good to be true) in return for joining, but they also take something. They're very transactional in their relationships with their members, even ones that claim not to be.

In addition to Care, they would need to offer something else. Why would a sad, scared child go with some stranger in a purple robe? It would be silly to assume that his family didn't have any friends or weren't part of any community. (I have so much more written about this ARRRRGGGHHH! Anyway - ) Why would he leave?

The idea came from a potential exchange we can have if we yell at him in Nightcaller Temple. Erandur confesses to stealing the memories of children. Since we now know children are fair game, we know what the Cult can offer. The Cult of the Prince of Nightmares.

What if Little Erandur suffered nightmares because of his parents' death? What if they offered to take the bad dreams and the bad/scary/sad memories away? Remember, there's usually a lot of blood involved when people die in pairs in Skyrim.

I can see that being awfully tempting for a child, all alone in the world.

It's also not strange to rename members, so I HC that "Casimir" was not his birth name. Cults are all about control, and since this one can erase your memories, why not erase your name? They take your name, and give you a new one. I put this in the fic, and he talks about it here, and a bit more here.

Another note about "Casimir" - It doesn't follow the regular Dunmer naming conventions we see in any of the other games. Erandur is a very old Dunmer name, like, positively antique in style, potentially back from the old Chimer days. He's not *that* old, so I like to HC that he got it when he joined up with the priests of Mara in Morthal. Since he can't talk to his ancestors because he doesn't know his name and doesn't even worship the same gods, I like to think Mara gave him a vision and found some ancestor of his from waaaay back, like a 3rd cousin twice removed that married in or something that also worshiped her to give him a name. Hence why it's so old-fashioned.

Anyway, back to the Cult. So, he joins the cult, gets brainwashed very easily because he's a kid, and turned into an absolute monster, given the skill set they would want him to have.

Fun Fact - Erandur has a high Conjuration skill despite not having any Conjuration spells in his roster. Summoned Dremora will drop daedra hearts, but they will fight back if you try to kill them. Gee, I wonder where the Cult got all those daedra hearts for their rituals? Hmm. Food for thought.

OKAY - got distracted - So he joins the Cult, learns all sorts of interesting skills, and was, by his own admission as you wander about in the game, a murderer and user of/privy to "the worst of dark magic" or something like that. We also know, according to Lore, that the Cult's rituals can last for decades. To do this, Cultists are put to sleep/suspended animation with the Miasma, which you see in the Waking Nightmare questline.

Here where more headcanon comes into play, mixed with a bit of logic, Lore, and some lines from the game. In the game, Erandur says he was scared, and he "wasn't ready" to sleep. According to Lore, followers of Vaermina usually lose all sense of fear, so what could he be afraid of?

I think the lack of fear comes from repeated trips into the Quagmire, the realm of Nightmares. I mean, if you spend a lot of time there, whatever you see in the waking world is nothing compared to the literal Nightmare Fuel you'd encounter in Oblivion.

I think he was afraid he wouldn't wake up. I think that attack on Nightcaller Tample came when he was starting to Doubt.

Someone in full Zealot Mode wouldn't think twice about going to sleep to spend possibly forever in their god's realm, right? But if he started to have doubts, well... Suddenly that doesn't sound so good, does it?

Something had to have happened, and I have that fic outlined, actually, give me time...

Lotta fic writing going on behind the scenes, here.

SO - Casimir leaves the Cult because he was starting to Doubt, and given the circumstances this was his literal last chance to GTFO. He bolts out of the tower, makes a mad dash into the woods, and finds himself all alone in the cold. And not just alone as in no people, but ALONE alone. He just abandoned his GOD.

Coldest night of his life, I'm sure.

He's going to have to fend for himself, but what skills does he have? We know the Cult teaches their members Alchemy. He also has good Restoration skills and Smithing (gotta keep the knives sharp - cutting out someone's heart before they die requires precision AND speed, after all) and he's a good fighter, too.

He also has good Speech skills, but by his own admission, he wasn't a nice person. He says himself that it took a while to come around to the ways of Mara. I take this to mean that he was, at least, selfish, short-tempered, and very very drunk when the priests met him.

But what happened between those times?

Well, seeing as how our boy Casimir was an angry, ill-tempered, self-serving monster with a rather limited skill set who just came fresh out of a Nightmare cult that practiced murderous blood rituals on the regular, I don't think his first instinct was to get a real job.

People who leave environments like that, be it a Cult or just really controlling parents, usually go absolutely fucking wild. That first taste of real freedom goes straight to their heads and they literally don't know how to handle it. They go off the rails! We've all seen it or heard about it, unfortunately, so what should he be any different?

They also usually run right back into a "same but different" situation. You see this a lot with former gang members joining various churches. Both provide a lot of the same things to members - You get the sense of community, a support group, friends, activities, etc. People who grew up like that usually don't do well on their own.

I don't think someone like Casimir would be able to, mentally and emotionally, go straight into another religious institution. I think he turned to crime. That's a place where someone with his bad attitude and bloody hands would do quite well, and with his alchemy skills and relative lack of a moral compass, he'd make a killing in the skooma labs, wouldn't he?

So, I had him rename himself "Kaz" (because he'd edgy and cool, mom!) and he had a Crime Era where he developed some rather shitty coping mechanisms and started to slowly grow a conscience, but not too much of one. He says he hates bandits, and in the world of crime, the ones who hate bandits the most are smugglers, because bandits don't care if the caravans they're knocking over are legit or not - They just want the goods. Natural enemies!

And there's a whole lot more that I can write about this, but I think this is already really long. ^^; And this goes far into headcanon territory, and less into "proper analysis" stuff.

I could touch on his Bard's College thing, too, but again - That's a lot of HC stuff as well, and he's talked a bit about that in my facfic already, and I'm writing more in-depth stuff, and... Yeah - skipping ahead!

Let's go back to how this started - What we see when we look at him. We can't know his actual age, and I honestly think he doesn't really know how old he is, phsyically. The Miasma puts you in suspended animation. Unless he kept very careful track for some reason, there's no way for him to know how old he really is on a biological level. So that's fun - Do what you will with that.

I have HC backstory reasons for him being the age I made him that I won't go into here, but that would be a whole other post because then we're talking about pulling Lore from fucking ARENA on top of everything.

Moving on, we can ask other questions, and for these we can delve into plot and psychology for answers. He doesn't have any of the typical Dunmer facial tattoos or scarification because he wasn't raised like your typical Dunmer. He grew up fairly divorced from his culture, and while I HC that he knows the language, he probably didn't learn a lot of the customs. Erandur even says he spent most of his life in The Pale, which says to me he spent a big chunk of it in the Cult of Vaermina, and later on in Dawnstar as a Priest of Mara, but we'll get to that in a minute.

So no tattoos or scarification, but what about paint/makeup? All the Dunmer who do not have other markings on thier face are otherwise "made up". Same goes for his hair. He's very unkempt for a Dunmer, a people who are canonically prone to skin problems and therefore known for being fastidious in both cleanliness and appearance.

He's also got his weight slider in the TESEdit turned alllll the way down. Very few people have theirs turned that low. I didn't check all of them, obviously, but the ones that do that I did find are beggars and prisoners.

So he's not just "skinny", he's downright emaciated. He doesn't really comb his hair or take good care of his beard, doesn't bother with paint of any kind, he's kind of dirty, he's got really raggedy robes, and he hardly sleeps.

He's also wracked with Guilt and plagued by nightmares.

I'm no expert, but this sounds like Depression, and according to my friends who are experts, I'm right! It also says so in the TESEdit; his base disposition is Sad.

But he wasn't entirely without people. Ex-Cultists don't do well on their own. He went from Cult of Vaermina to Gang (in my HC) to Bard's College, to Benevolence, and then - To Dawnstar.

I like to think he was there for a while. When you go there and hear him comforting the villagers, they call him Erandur. Not "Brother" or "Brother Erandur". Just "Erandur", where in every other place, the priests and priestesses are given their due title/honorific/whatever you call it.

Okay, not in Riften when Ki'rava was yelling at Maramal, but she was yelling at him, that's different.

Anyway, they call him by his name, and to me that says he's a part of the community. He's familiar enough to them that he's Erandur first, Priest of Mara second. He takes just enough care of himself that people won't bother him about it, and I HC that he lives in Nightcaller Temple. He spends most of his time tending to his little shrine, and goes down to the shore in front of the Black Door to fish like he used to, back in the day. He's made a few friends, most notably Frida the Alchemist and her late husband. He serves as a Priest and backup Healer and helps Frida get ingredients when she needs it, like in the little comic I made.

So yeah, that's A LOT of rambling about Erandur! I could go on for a lot longer, actually, but I think this is a good place to stop! ^_^

I have to say, one of my favorite bits from Bronwen's Journal has to be This Entry where Erandur tries to go on a bit of a Woe is Me rant but is stopped by Valdimar.

I uhm - I hope I answered your question? ^^;;; I can ramble more. Like, A LOT more, but I'm going to stop now for everyone's sake, maybe go work on the fic/s some more.