The Wizard

I was robbed, but the only things the robbers stole were the knives in my kitchen and a cake I had just baked.

forgot to leave a note for my doordasher to bring a blunt weapon to get past the catacomb skeletons so congrats to whichever necromancer is about to get my banh mi i guess

one day I’ll try to enter the UK and I’ll get flagged in the airport and the MI6 agent that has been watching me will take me into a small back room and make me read all the posts I’ve made calling for the destruction of the royal family and calling for Irish reunification and Welsh, Scottish, Manx and Cornish independence and also the ones where I say things like “what did English people drink before tea got there? hot piss?” and “weird that parliament just banned cousin marriage when they’ve been doing it for centuries” and “why are British men ruddy all the time? why do you look sunburned when there is no sun in your country?”

Minecraft wheat field so big my entire computer froze when I tried to open axiom and when minecraft proceeded to crash my computer freaked out so bad it started opening randomly recently used apps and stopped rendering several key graphics on my hotbar 🤪✌️

atheists call it project hail darwin

agnostics call it project hail maybe

i know the way people talk about their pets now is probably how we’ve been doing it for all of history. a cat owner in ancient rome saw their cat lounging on the dining pillows and commented “he thinks himself to be the senator claudius 🤣”

The first attested cat in Japan was given to a young 9th century emperor and his diary about it includes such gems as 'I affixed a bow about its neck, but it did not remain for long.", "The color of the fur is peerless. None could find the words to describe it, although one said it was reminiscent of the deepest ink.", "When it lies down, it curls in a circle like a coin. You cannot see its feet. It’s as if it were circular Bi disk." and "I am convinced it is superior to all other cats.” Basically posting about how his void is the best little void and so good at getting really round

My walking desk is right next to the cat wheel, and during the workday as I'm walking and answering emails or whatever, Senpai will hop on the wheel and trot along with me while I'm walking so that we can walk together.

you can post on tumblr even when you're trying to take a break from social media it literally doesn't count. it's like pepsi max, or pescatarianism

i think "turning into a pumpkin" is my new favorite way to articulate the state of things when I am at a function and very overstimulated and it feels like my brain is melting. it's like no i can't be a person anymore i have to leave i'm turning into the pumpkin. the time is up yeah i gotta go. yeah see u later. pumpkin time.