Schrödinger's Psycho

Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.

2) any vegetable is better than no vegetable

baran wasn’t allowed to swim as a child. it made her mother sick with worry. what if you have a seizure, joonam?

she wasn't allowed to do much physical activity as a child, actually.

but she refuses to have her son's childhood limited the way hers was. he climbs trees, and races around the park as fast as he can, his little feet pattering. she buys him a little scooter, and eventually, a little bike, so he can zoom around the way he wants to.

swimming is the one thing she still struggles with letting him do.

i mean, she's an ER doctor. she imagines him falling off his bike enough, insists on bundling him up in his tiny helmet and elbow pads every time he gets on it. the thought of him swimming is a little too much, a little too tough on her heart.

but then she meets trinity, for whom swimming is one of the great joys of life.

they do a day trip out to the lake, and trinity insists that baran bring a swimsuit even though baran in turn insists she won't swim. trinity makes her wear it under her clothes 'just in case you change your mind, baby'. baran won't. she won't.

trinity, as expected, shows omid how to use the rope swing, pushing him gently out into the lake and immediately diving in to meet him as he lets go, even though he always bobs back up to the surface immediately like a little duck popping its head out of the water. look at that! you raised a little waterbaby, baran.

baran watches, smiling, but her heart is lurching.

trinity starts doing flips into the water to show off, of course, and baran tells her off for setting a bad example for omid. those are explicitly banned for him, despite how he pleads. joonam, you're eight. no flipping until you're at least twelve.

(baran wanders off into the forest to take a piss and trinity turns to omid, grinning. now, now, while she's not looking!)

when baran comes back, she's sweating and beginning to overheat, but she can't reasonably ask to go home. they haven't even been there two hours, and omid looks so, so happy. trinity sticks her head up out of the water, and looks her up and down like she can sense what baran is thinking. she swims to a shallow end of the lake, where she can stand, and beckons her.

come on, baby. have a paddle, at least. it's way too hot in the sun.

when baran hesitates, trinity sloshes out of the water, omid in tow, and walks over to her, dripping. she shakes out her hair and baran smiles, low. surely she must know how she looks, water running down her torso like this.

omid tugs on her arm, having materialised suddenly at her side. pleaaaaase maman. it's so fun.

trinity comes closer to her, murmurs into her ear. baran, i will have my eyes on you the whole time. if anything, and i mean anything happens, i will be there to catch you. i will keep you safe. okay?

baran turns, and bites her lip.

i don't want to get my hair wet.

trinity raises a brow. you told me you were going to wash it tonight.

shit. no more excuses, she guesses. trinity grins, triumphant.

trinity is already undoing her shorts, unbuttoning her shirt and shoving it off her.

trinity! she cries, high pitched and giggling like a schoolgirl.

at least a paddle, baby. you don't have to get your precious hair wet, even though we both know you're going to wash it anyway when we get home.

baran lifts her feet out of her shorts, scoffing with indignation when trinity tosses her clothes onto the lake shore, to be kept dry. she lets herself be led to about knee height before her pace starts to slow, her heart racing.

trinity turns, looking at her fondly. you don't have to go out any further if you don't want to, baby. but i will keep you so safe, if you do.

baran gazes at her, eyes sparkling.

want me to prove it to you, baran? trinity says, and then suddenly baran is being hoisted into a bridal carry.

she squeals, kicking her legs. put me down! but trinity is already walking further out into the lake.

put you down? she says, and they are at waist height. you want me to put you down now?

oh god, baran says, tucking her face into trinity's neck. her toes skim the water again and it's so inviting, maybe she should just–

trinity lowers her, slowly, into the water, letting it kiss her hips and legs before it ever touches her upper half. baran gasps and clings harder to trinity's shoulders, but it's so overwhelming– trinity is so warm and the water is so cold and–

maman! you're doing it!

her feet are touching the bottom now, and the bottom of the lake is so soft and silty– she thinks of mary oliver, i thought the earth remembered me, she took me back so tenderly–

it's so cold, she says. it's so cold–

trinity is laughing, and omid is laughing, and baran is laughing too, in a way that tips over into crying, tears drip down her face and the lakewater reaches out to them, welcomes them, and what if she has a seizure, what if–

trinity–

i have you, baby. i have you. an arm around her waist. you're okay, my love.

fuck! it's cold–

maman! omid gasps.

trinity cackles, throwing her head back.

sorry! baran says. don't say bad words, nanaz. her feet sink deeper into the mud, the cold zips up her arms, the smell of the lake fills her nose, all fresh and green and earthy.

are you ready to swim, baby?

baran whips her head around to a grinning trinity. what?

you're going to swim out a bit with us, aren't you? trinity is already moving away, a graceful backwards breaststroke, omid in tow.

come on, maman!

what? baran balks, gobsmacked. what do you– wait! wait, don't go! she pushes off the lake bottom, all instinct, and her legs kick and her arms paddle and her muscles are strong, so strong, and she is a thrumming, pulsating body, and she is alive, alive, alive–

trinity is grinning, laughing, jubilant. look at you, baby! you're doing it! omid diligently treads water by her side, gazing at her.

okay, baran says, turning her body in the water like a seal to face the lake edge. this is far enough.

trinity smiles, small. okay.

baran lowers her feet, finds she can still just about touch the bottom, even though she's up to her neck. trinity glides over to her, scooping omid in with her arm as she moves. he squeals in delight, clinging onto her, and she gives him a big, smacking kiss on the cheek.

baran gets her own kiss, too. i love you, baby, trinity murmurs. i'm so proud of you. let's go back to where omid can stand, yeah?

she shuffles him onto her back, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. okay, she says to him. you're gonna ride the turtle all the way back, so you gotta hold on, alright?

baran watches his face light up. he squeezes his arms tighter, tucking his chin onto trinity's shoulder. tears prick at baran's eyes, again. her beautiful, angel, miracle boy, and the love of her life. and the cold water, kissing her skin.