JUST A FAN of FAN ART & FANFIC, XFiles

Mulder’s feeling vulnerable today. He thinks about all the choices he has made to be here, right here. What if he had accepted Samantha’s disappearance like most brothers? What if he had pursued that psychology PhD like he had planned in the early 80s? What if he had not jumped down the rabbit hole that was the X-Files and stayed as Violent Crime Division’s Golden Boy?

What if he had made his move on Scully when they first met? What if he had kissed her when she hugged him in relief of the confirmed mosquito bites? What if he had let her call him Fox since 1994? What if he had taken Scully away, away, away from all of it after she was returned from her abduction?

How many universes have his choices created? A hundred? A thousand?

Scully is on his side of the bed tonight, and he is on hers. Just because it had happened that way, and they were tired. They really aren’t young anymore.

He would have her in every universe, wouldn’t he?

Instinctively, Mulder tightens his arms around her a little.

I love you in every universe, he thinks. As much as he believes in having Scully in each and every universe where he exists, he is as certain that he will love her.

“Aren’t you sleepy?”

Scully says, looking at him tenderly. Her hair looks shorter than a week ago. When did she get it cut? He hopes he’s made a comment about the hair. Scully always smiles when he comments about her hair.

Mulder suddenly remembers the Scully on that ship, the USS Ardent, which is now at the bottom of the Norwegian Sea. Her hair was the same color, wasn’t it? Or was it lighter?

Mulder reaches out a hand and wraps a lock of Scully’s hair around his finger. It’s soft and fine and cool to the touch.

“If you keep thinking,” she begins, “Santa Claus will never come. And the only thing you’ll get is coals in your stocking.”

“You got me coals for Christmas?” He touches her cheek with his nose, “thank you.”

She giggles, her hand stroking his forearms.

“Will you love me until you die?”

“Mulder, you don’t believe I will ever die.”

“So? Will you? Love me until you die?”

“Yes.” She says, smiling. “Yes, Mulder.”

When they open their eyes, it’ll be Christmas.

2030

482. love the best

(MUSIC: “WHICH WILL” — NICK DRAKE)

He’s been sitting in the lifeless-looking hospital room for nearly an hour, waiting for her to wake up while contemplating the conversation he had this morning.

William doesn’t think he’s ever seen her like this. He can’t imagine her fear when the house crumbled from the earthquake, her grabbing the children nearest to her and shielding them with her body. It’s a wonder that she came out with only bruises and two broken ribs.

William feels his brain cells throbbing furiously—at the lack of sleep he’s been enduring, the dehydration, and the hunger. They’re also sad, his brain cells, too sad to process anything.

He’s also angry—angry at her, angry at himself, and angry at anyone who might have known this even though he has no right to be angry at anyone. He’s nearly lost it in front of the senior and very respectable nun this morning.

It has taken him nearly three decades, but at age 29, William feels like he has a good control of his anger. He seems to have inherited the very dominant gene of both his parents’ quick temper. Maybe when they made him, their bodies believed that he would be the only one, the last one, and wanted to showcase the most outstanding traits of the two bloodlines, which, ironically, was the anger.

His sight falls onto the patient in front of him. William’s known her for nearly 12 years. He wonders if that counts for anything, anything at all.

He waits.

.

When the young woman finally wakes up, his lips are too dry to speak. He passes the immediate opportunity to set the tone of the conversation by speaking first, and he silently curses.

“William!” She calls him, her face warm and happy. “I didn’t—”

“Hush.” He orders. “Tell me it isn’t true.”

Her face grows sullen, and her lips hang slightly open. From her eyes, he knows that she knows exactly what he’s talking about. Her mouth closes in a soundless admission.

William grips the wooden armrests of his chair, so hard that the tips of his fingers turn white.

“I saw Master Qing this morning. She’s aged.”

The young woman agreed, “78 this June.”

“I heard it from her; now, I need to hear it from you, M—” Not knowing how to address her, he tries again. “She told me out of the 49 years she’s been a nun, she’s never met anyone who became a monastic with your reasons, but she chose to believe you because she’s known you since you were 7. Now, tell me it isn’t true.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t tell me, or you can’t tell me that it isn’t true?” He presses on. “Tell me that you did not become a nun because of me.”

William’s voice is no longer unwavering; he keeps holding onto the armrests.

“You were not the only reason, but you were a big part of it.” She says it painfully slowly, “I was 16 when you first showed me what you can do. And... I believed in your visions. After Their first attempt, I saw that you and your family have what it takes to stop Them.”

“Had you stayed, you would’ve been a great help.” He murmurs.

“No, I would’ve been a distraction for you. Remember that Christmas Day when the sky went all dark? And instead of being at the underground station with your parents, you came to get me?”

“I’d have done the same for Cricket, but that doesn’t mean my little sister was a distraction for me.” He argues. “I’d... always go back for you.”

“Besides,” she gives him no time for mushiness. “I had no skills to offer there, whereas at the temple, I took care of people. I was able to keep Cricket safe, as well as the dozens of children who lost their parents... We helped all the Runners that stopped by; I was doing my part, Will. No one bothered us at the temple. And if I got to do my part in putting up the fight, why did it matter how I looked or who I was when I did it?”

She reaches up to touch her head and is surprised to find her hair being longer than she expects.

“Where did you speak with Master Qing?” She asks, her eyes dark and serious.

“At the garden on the 4th floor.” William answers while attempting to read her expression. He dares not read her mind; it's been too long. He identifies hurt and sorrow, and anger, among other things.

“You were meant for great things, Will. The Savior. Had I stayed... I’m so proud of you. I’m proud to call you my friend, I am, but at the same time, I’m honored that I’m a nun so I could take care of all those people. It was meaningful work.”

Her voice is nearly sobbing, but William is not done. “You became a Runner too; you kept that from me. My parents could have taken you in, then you would always be with us. They wouldn’t even need to pull any strings to get that done.”

She gives him a scoff so similar to the ones she gave him when she was a teenager. “You would’ve been happier for your parents to take me in and list me as your adopted sister? ‘Cause that’s what you just proposed.”

“Fine.” He spits, eyes sullen and sharp, like a player with a plan. “Tell me why you won’t get ordained. Explain to me why you’d rather look and live like a nun but you keep from getting ordained. Explain to me why you hadn’t gone through with it.”

The young woman is silent, and William breathes a hopeful yet forceful question: “Is it for me?”

“No.”

“You liar!” William’s tears escape, and he wipes them off angrily. Calling her a liar devastates him.

She doesn't know William can hear the thoughts of those he loves when they also love him back. She hesitantly raises a hand, not certain if she should touch him, not certain if he will break. 

“Do you have... any idea how much I’ve loved you?” He asks, bitterly.

William finally softens his tone, and his hand goes to cover his mouth. “Now, Master Qing told me that she foresees her journey will end. She asked if I want to take you home because you have no one. I told her that it is your choice. I’ll always welcome you.”

She does not answer.

“Do you know what happened to the new monastery?” He asks.

She nods sorrowfully, but he goes on, “They’ve relocated the remaining children. I think they’ve sent home all of the novices; of course, there were only a few. I’ll take you home if you want to come home. I believe that’s what Master Qing wants to happen, too, which I gotta say, I’m surprised.”

“She can read people’s past and future, you know.” She states in a low voice and runs her hand through her growing hair. “She would’ve shaved my head for me if she wanted me to stay with her. I can take care of her...”

“You... can take care of me.” He pleads softly. “I can take care of you. Please.”

A knock comes through the door, and both of them jump a little.

“Hi,” Cricket pokes her head into the room, “I’m coming in.”

“Oh, Cricket!” The patient opens her arms to embrace the girl, and William wonders when they will be normal again.

“I got some things for you, Shifu, and your doctor says you can come home tomorrow. Daddy says you’re staying with us, and Bullfrog can visit, but he’s not allowed in the girls’ room.” The tween stays in the embrace, already half-sitting on the bed.

William remains, oddly feeling like he’s been defeated. He watches his sister talk to his friend, his friend, and wonders if what he heard this morning was a dream, or if the time she’s lived as a nun was a dream. Maybe they are both dreams. Or maybe they are both realities. His poor brain is too tired to argue, even with himself.

“Bullfrog, how come you never read her mind?”

It takes many seconds before William catches the question from his sister.

“Dad says if I wanted the relationship to work, I gotta stay out of her mind.” He says dejectedly.

Cricket rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t take relationship advice from Daddy.”

“Stay out of my mind, Scamoo.” Her use of his high school nickname jolts him like a bucket of ice water.

“No one’s called me that for years.” He snorts, “What do I call you now?” He asks carefully.

“Hum... Give me some time?” She says weakly with a smile. “Please?”

William looks into her brown eyes. It’s been a long time since he’s allowed himself to see her as a friend, and he considers all the things that have happened in the past three years. Life is impermanent, that’s what Millie always said when they were young.

But that seems like such a long time ago.

-----

“Yes.”

The hurt of his answer lands before she has a chance to reason through it, and Scully rises to her feet as Mulder curls back into a ball, giving him the space he seems to need. She can’t think of a single time in their partnership when he wanted physical distance from her. Even during their most fraught conversations, they rarely put more than an arm’s length between them.     

She takes a steadying breath, reluctant to tell Diana what he just said. Doing so would be admitting that Diana might be at least partially right about his mysterious illness, and Scully is hesitant to believe a word the woman says.

Breathing through the knot of emotions in her chest, she speaks into the phone. “He said yes.”

“Dammit,” Diana curses, her tone tight with urgency.

Scully studies Mulder, trying to understand what combination of Diana’s influence and whatever unknown toxin is affecting him has convinced him that her presence is hurting him. She trusts Mulder, but she’s starting to suspect Diana may be using his illness to push them further apart.

“Is he in immediate danger?” she finally asks, refocusing herself. When Diana doesn’t immediately answer, Scully’s grip tightens on the phone. “Does he need an ambulance, Diana? Talk to me!”

“I’m not sure—I’m thinking—” Diana stutters with uncharacteristic clumsiness.

“What do you know?” Scully barks. “What were you and Mulder investigating? What could he have been given? Did he ingest a—a toxin of some sort? A street drug?”

She’s making a mental list of potential hallucinogens when a thought suddenly occurs to her. Dropping to her knees, she starts to unbutton Mulder’s shirt. If there’s an injection site anywhere on his skin, it could explain what was done to him.

“I don’t know more without seeing him,” Diana admits, her breathing quickened as if she’s running.

“Then who is Daniel Parsons?” Scully asks as she runs her eyes over Mulder’s bare arms and torso, finding nothing unusual. “Did he have this same condition?”

“Agent Scully, that’s something I can’t tell you—”

“I’m a medical doctor, dammit,” Scully curses as Mulder groans and shoves weakly at her hands. “If you would just tell me what you were investigating, I could start to treat him—”  

“I’ll explain when I get there—”

“And how long will that be?” Scully hisses. “Because he’s clearly in a great deal of pain and the longer you keep me in the dark, the longer he suffers. You seem hellbent on guarding your investigation, but if Mulder dies because of your secrets, I will personally wring your neck until your eyes pop out of your head!”

“Calm down, Dana!” Diana shouts, startling Scully. “You’re just making him worse!”

As if on cue, Mulder cries out, rising to his hands and knees right before retching all over the floor. Scully inhales sharply, moving to place a palm on his back and rubbing circles soothingly across his shoulders, even as her eyes continue to scan his body for potential wounds.

“I’m here,” she says into his ear, and he tips his forehead to her knees. “It’s me, I’m here.”

“What’s happening now?” Diana asks, and Scully hears a car door slam shut in the background.

“He’s getting worse.” Mulder rubs his head across her lap, his hands curling into fists. A moment later, he turns to the side and vomits again. “Diana, I swear to God, if you don’t tell me what I need to know to keep him alive and comfortable—”

“You need to leave,” Diana insists, her tone dark. “The best thing you can do for Agent Mulder right now is to get the hell out of his apartment.”

She scoffs. “Over my dead body.”

With care, she extracts Mulder from her lap and darts to the kitchen, ripping a paper towel from the dispenser and filling a glass of water. From the sink, she glances back at him. He’s gone slack against the floor, but worry gnaws at her. She can’t explain what’s happening to him, and she can’t properly treat him. When he starts to curl back into himself, she rushes back to his side, where she cleans his mouth and then holds the cup to his lips. He swallows once then collapses back into her. She presses one hand to his chest, keeping track of the erratic beats of his heart.  

Diana is speaking. “I acknowledge that you have been Agent Mulder’s partner for several years, and it may seem counterintuitive to leave him in distress,” she says, her tone clipped and oddly formal, “but I swear to you that it would be best if you left him for now. I’ll be able to handle his symptoms once I’m there. We’ve seen it before in the other victims—”

The word nearly stops her heart. “Victims, Diana? You’re telling me this is fatal?”

“Mulder and I think we have procured an antidote, and I’m retrieving it from my office as we speak,” Diana interrupts, her voice rising over Scully’s. “Agent Mulder will live. But while he’s in this state, he needs space from you. I beg you to give it to him.”

With hands trembling from outrage, Scully stabs the End Call button and returns her attention to Mulder, who is trying to wrestle out of her grip. His eyes crack open and her stomach lurches when she sees a small trickle of blood slide from his tear duct down the bridge of his nose.

“My God,” she whispers in horror, her palm cupping his cheek.

Mulder cringes away from her, rolling tighter into himself and gritting his teeth. “Do what she said,” he grinds out. “Leave, please,” he gasps. “I’ll explain . . . after she brings. . . the medicine . . . .”

She shakes her head resolutely and squeezes his wrist gently even as her heart races. “I’m not leaving you, Mulder, especially not to take an unknown substance without first ensuring it’s safe for you. You’re having some sort of medical emergency that I’ll be able to treat once I know more—”

“’S not medical,” he slurs, and more blood begins to seep from his eyes.

Panic flaring, Scully darts into his bathroom and wets a washcloth, which she uses to clean the blood from his cheeks and mouth. His eyes are shut tight and he’s starting to sweat, moisture pooling in the dip of his breastbone.

Every few minutes, she glances at the clock, wondering if Diana was lying or if she’s truly en route with this supposed antidote. When twenty minutes have passed, she debates calling the ambulance, but a sound at the door stills her fingers on the phone. Scully flies across the room to usher in Diana, something she never anticipated doing with such eagerness.

Diana glares at her darkly, fury in her eyes. “I told you to leave,” she hisses, and Mulder cries out in agony from the floor. The rage in Diana’s face instantly evaporates and she drops to her knees, fumbling in her bag.

“I’m here, Fox,” she says soothingly, but Mulder seems to be declining more rapidly now. Fresh blood drips from his nose and ears, a steady trickle now staining his skin. 

“Show me the medicine,” Scully demands, kneeling across from her. “Tell me what’s happening to him!”

Ignoring her, Diana extracts a plastic case from her bag and pops it open to reveal a set of syringes. Automatically, Scully reaches for one, determined to check the medicine and dosage for safety, but Diana smacks her hand away. Indignation flares in her gut.

“Do you even know what you’re about to inject him with? One incorrect calculation could be fatal. He could have a reaction that you haven’t anticipated, an allergy we haven’t noted—”

“He’s dying, Agent Scully, and it’s because you insist on remaining here,” Diana accuses sharply, deftly prepping one of the syringes. She meets Scully’s eye angrily. “You did this to him, and if his reaction is anything less than positive, you have only yourself to blame.”

Scully meets her glare. “If you would take one minute to explain what I’m looking at, I could help. I’m a doctor, and I—”

Mulder moans and his eyes roll back in his head, foam gathering at his mouth. Diana hisses as the seizure begins taking his consciousness, and she pushes Mulder onto his side, yanking down his pants to inject the syringe below his waist.

“Wait!” Scully cries, lunging for the needle. Her eyes fly over the packaging of the mysterious antidote, but the labeling is blank. Horrified, she stares up at Diana. “What did you give him?”

Mulder twitches violently. Dropping the syringe, Scully reaches out to steady him, shocked when he goes still, flopping onto his back. Terror thrumming through her veins, she presses her ear to his chest, assuring herself of the shallow rise and fall of his breathing, her fingers racing across his wrist for a pulse check.

“What is this?” she whispers in disbelief.

“It may take another dose,” Diana murmurs to herself.

Scully shakes her head. “Not until you tell me what’s in that syringe.”

Diana levels her with a coolly superior gaze. “It’s working, isn’t it?”

Scully studies Mulder, equal parts relieved and surprised to find that he seems to have settled.

“His condition is more . . . immediate than the other victims we’ve seen,” Diana continues as she begins to prep another dose. Scully considers the facts, weighing Mulder’s marked improvement against all that she knows about Diana.

“Stop saying victims,” Scully grits out. “He isn’t going to die.”

Diana meets her gaze, the syringe ready. “I care for him too, Dana.” Her voice is quiet, earnest enough to be believable.

Scully swipes her palm across Mulder’s forehead and realizes that the apartment has gone quiet for the first time in an hour. She presses her fingers to the pulse point at his neck, noting that his breathing has started to even out and his heartrate has returned to normal.

“Some improvement,” she notes quietly, mostly to herself.

Diana nods tensely. Scully glances up, eyeing the next dose warily. “So long as you decide to stick around,” Diana says, “he’s going to need this.”

“Explain to me what his condition has to do with my presence,” Scully demands. “If you expect me to take you at your word and abandon Mulder during a medical emergency without any rational explanation, you’re not as clever as I’ve been told you are.”

Diana’s eyes narrow. Without fanfare, she pushes the syringe into Mulder’s hip and Scully sucks in her cheeks, praying that Diana has made the right call.

After a few tense moments, though, it is clear that Mulder really is improving. His skin starts to take on a normal color and the blood dripping from his eyes and nose dries up. When his eyes start to open, Scully can see that his pupils are normal and reactive. His body seems to relax into the floor, no longer wound tight in pain. Without thinking, she reaches out and pushes a few strands of hair off his forehead, then runs her fingers down his sweaty jaw.

His eyes open fully and hold her gaze, but she can’t read his expression. She pulls her hand away and his eyes move to Diana.

“Never thought I’d thank someone for two pokes in the ass,” he croaks quietly, and though the joke isn’t directed at her, Scully is relieved to hear the return of his humor.

Diana flashes a watery smile, relief evident in her gaze, and leans down to press a kiss to his forehead. The possessiveness of the act turns Scully’s stomach. He’s mine, comes the unbidden thought, surprised at how terrible it feels to be the odd one out, the one who doesn’t know what’s going on and who wasn’t able to help him.

She uses the moment to step away for a glass of water, lingering at the sink as Diana helps Mulder sit up, leaning into him conspiratorially. They exchange words, too hushed for Scully to hear, and judging by the way Mulder’s expression sours, things get heated. Every few moments one of them glances her way, like witnesses coordinating a story.

To give her hands something to do, Scully sips at her water, trying to push past her emotions and let the investigator in her do the brutal work of uncovering the truth. She has her theories, of course, but none of them can account for every symptom she observed. The facts she knows are: Mulder was in Maryland and encountered a man named Daniel Parsons. He hailed a cab to return to his apartment, where he immediately exhibited symptoms of acute distress. He refused a hospital several times. He could barely stand to be in her presence, claiming that she made his suffering worse. An unknown medicine almost immediately stopped his symptoms.

None of it makes sense.

She takes a breath, knowing there’s at least one more hard, painful truth she’s managed to uncover.

Mulder begged her to leave him and asked for Diana instead.

It’s becoming clearer to her now that the two of them likely aren’t just sleeping together; they’re becoming partners in every sense of the word, and partners against her.

The pain of that cuts through her like a knife and she digs her nails into her palm, redirecting her grief. Mulder glances up at her, his profiler-sharp eyes pinging from her tight expression to the clench of her hand against the water glass. His color has returned, and only that brings her peace. But there’s still so much unexplained about his illness tonight, and despite his apparent growing connection with Diana, she isn’t going to lie back and pretend like he isn’t the single most important person in her life.  

Taking a shaky breath, she sets down her glass and crosses the room.