suicide room

tap tap tap tap

my sons!

The other day I saw a story where a woman was asking why her dogs had suddenly started growling at her boyfriend whenever he was in the same room as her son.

And my immediate thought was ‘that boyfriend has hurt the kid somehow.’

Spoilers: that was exactly the case.

Fast forward about six months when I went north to visit my family. My sister walked into my parents’ house and pupper ran to greet my sister. Stopped dead in her tracks and started growling and barking. Hackles raised, full protection mode. My sisters husband had just walked in behind her.

My precious puppy wanted NOTHING to do with him. She barked, growled, ran away, and sat between him and my sister. Y'all my dog had spent maybe a weekend a half around my sister but protected her like this was her flesh and blood.

Eventually, my sister filed for divorce on grounds of “Extreme and repeated mental, emotional, and sexual abuse.” Divorce was final in less than a month because her claims were substantiated.

There was this one horse I worked with named Tonto. He was a doll. He followed me like a puppy, snuck treats out of my pocket, he was the sweetest thing. We were practically inseparable.

A guy I was considering dating came to visit me one day, and Tonto wanted NOTHING to do with him. Normally well behaved, he shoved himself between us and would NOT let this guy near me. He was stomping, acting really aggressive, and tried to bite the guy. This horse was practically dragging me back toward the barn. At that moment, despite being like, 17, I knew something was up, and ultimately things didn’t pan out for guy and me.

A year later I found out he had lied about his age (he said he was 18 but he was actually 27) he was arrested for sexually assaulting an 11 year old girl.

I do not mean I sniffed a coconut for too long and now I’m 2 calories above my limit.

I mean I devoured bowl after bowl of pasta, cut my mouth on packet after packet of crisps, licked the crumbs that fell off cookie after cookie, ate mass amounts of frozen, raw, stale, gross ass food until it was spilling out my esophagus, all with a blank stare and a stomach and mind screaming at me to stop.

Binging is excessive, painful, compulsive eating that makes you feel like an embarrassing fat piece of shit.

When I go in for treatment (anorexia) and they ask me if I ‘binged’, they don’t only mean 3000+ extra cals you eat until you’re stuffed. They are asking me if I ate any food ‘uncontrollably’, in a way I felt I couldn’t resist or stop, grabbing for it, eaten with haste, promoting shameful and guilty feelings - even if it’s just a bowl of oatmeal or single-serve packet of microwave rice or a flapjack bar from work (yah my ‘binges’ when they happen are mostly carbs lol). Though my smallest binge was either 5 dried apricot slices, or when I had 2 chocolate covered dates (though I’ve also eaten those things mindfully, without it being a binge)

You can have a whole bunch of potatoes, and stuffing, sausages, turkey, dessert, snacks, god knows what and make yourself feel sick, and that could be a binge depending on how you felt and why you ate it. You can also eat that exact same amount of food on Christmas day with your family, making yourself feel sick, with it not being a binge at all, because it was purposeful, mindful and not uncontrollable - just indulgence.

At least, that’s what those medical professionals have explained to me.

When it comes to a ‘binge’ as an isolated incident, not about the calories, it’s about the mental state - like with eating disorders in general, it’s not about the numbers (weight, calories, etc), it’s about what’s going on underneath. When it comes to disorders in general, there’s obviously a difference - if you’re binging on small amounts of food because you’re otherwise obsessed with restricting, it’s a restrictive eating disorder. If you’re frequently binging on large amounts of food without being overly concerned about restricting, it’s BED. You can also have mixes of the two. Then bulimia is you binge and then throw up, etc as we all know. It’s not so cut and dry. It’s all intertwined.

can we just come to the general agreement that fasting is easier than eating under 100 calories?

like i can fast 24 hours without thinking