✨🐯 heaven or las vegas 🦁🪄

alright my thoughts on this yes ok

shane gaining weight post retirement quite literally represents him finally taking back ownership of his body

like yes the performance diet and the regimented work outs became such defining parts of him over the course of so many years, but all of that was in service to hockey. I think within those confines, it felt to him like those were the ways he could control what happened to his body within the limitations of his existence as a professional hockey player.

but post retirement, I think the healing starts to show in how shane learns to stop living in service to hockey. there’s an arc of personal development that happens there, where he has to rediscover who he is outside of the sport, and it turns out that means s’mores and hot dogs and beers and skipping arm day while on vacation and and eating an extra slice of pizza just because he can and while at first I think he feels guilty about some of those choices, his husband is there with him now, assuring him it’s fine, you’ll be fine, have more if you want it and shane realizes ilya’s is the only voice that matters anymore. he’s beholden only to his husband now, not some team owners or league higher-ups who only ever cared about how much money his body was worth to them. and his husband says it’s fine, so it is.

and when the weight starts to show in his tummy and his arms and around the edges of his face, it’s like he’s come into himself at last. he still looks like shane, but he finds he also feels more like shane now, which is weird, because he thought without hockey he’d lose some part of himself he’d never get back, but no. he gains back a part of himself he’d thought was gone forever. his cheeks are chubby like they were when he was a baby, when he would cry and scream and break things out of fear or rage or joy. his stomach is soft like it was when he was a toddler, when he was learning to skate and then darting off as fast as he could, ignoring the sounds of his mother’s voice calling out to him, telling him to slow down and be careful.

the extra weight is a sign of freedom, of peace, of fun. shane does what he wants now, and fuck you if you try to stop him.

and yeah, obviously ilya is obsessed. he’s grabbing shane’s love handles and biting the extra meat on his thighs and slapping shane’s juicy fucking ass every chance he gets. YAY!!

I also like the idea that post-retirement Shane definitely has a *moment* about the gained weight being obvious on him — only for a doctor to tell him that he’s perfectly healthy, in a healthy weight range, and the “perfect athlete body” he’d spent so many years keeping up doesn’t really work outside of hardcore professional athletics.

It takes a bit. He has to have some time to come down from the stranglehold he’s hand on it, but Shane comes around to something closer to normalcy. Comes back down to someone who doesn’t feel guilty for having a snickers bar or a Christmas cookie, and remembers that those things can be givens, not restricted indulgences.

So, the weight happens. He does his yoga because he likes it. He eats what he wants because he can. He goes on runs sometimes, mostly with Ilya, but doesn’t mind an afternoon spent lounging around on the couch or a few mornings spent loitering in bed with one another.

He loves when Ilya is a menace. “Asshole” is his favorite pet name for him and “fuck off” is basically dirty talk. Ilya wants to party with Centaurs after a game? “Go have fun babe.” Ilya is relentlessly chirping another player? “Well he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.” Ilya wants to blow Shane while he’s on a phone call? We canonically know how that goes.

But he does not fuck around with his man’s health and safety. Ilya can get into any mischief he wants until there’s a chance it could actually endanger him and that’s when Strict Shane has arrived. No, ilya cannot smoke cigarettes, Shane is not losing his man to lung cancer. Yes, Shane will lather Ilya up in sunscreen every summer and make him wear a daily SPF 50 moisturizer, Shane is not losing his man to skin cancer. He’s limiting his McDonald’s intake bc his man is not going to get heart disease. He’s making him get safer cars bc if Ilya dies from driving recklessly, Shane will bring him back to life just to kill him again. He wasted almost a decade not getting to be with Ilya the way he wanted and he’ll be damned if he lets anything (including Ilya) shorten their time together.

So now there’s this perception that Shane has Ilya on a tight leash. That he won’t let Ilya ever have fun and that Shane has domesticated him and Ilya is stuck under Shane’s thumb. Meanwhile Shane is actively egging Ilya on when he’s being a little shit. Shane is even bitchier and freakier than Ilya and it is so funny to Ilya that the world is so wrong about him.

It is not so funny to Ilya when someone tries to tell Shane to be less strict with Ilya. That is unacceptable. Ilya loves when his husband is citing statistics about lung cancer to him and making him his gross (healthy) smoothies and making sure he does the appropriate stretches before a workout and making him drink a glass of water in between drinks so he doesn’t get too hungover. Ilya has never had anyone who cared enough to “nag” him every day about his health (the closest was his mother but even then he often ended being the one who had to focus on her health). Shane being strict makes him feel so loved. He’s genuinely upset if Shane tries to “loosen his leash” bc Shane’s lectures are how he knows Shane cares. It’s proof that Shane wants forever with Ilya just as much as Ilya does.

“I never fucking wanted to be a role model! I never asked for it! Why do I have to be the one representing the whole goddamn Asian community and their place in hockey? Why do I have to watch what I say, how I say it, when every other fucking player just gets to act however they like, huh?! I can’t appear too cocky because “what about the children?” I can’t be caught doing anything that could wreck the perfect fucking image of hockey’s Golden Boy. I’m a leader, but I can’t forget that I’m an Asian leading a bunch of white men around so I have to make sure I don’t overstep or make them uncomfortable. Can’t forget my place, ya know. Like I could ever forget! I have to listen to every fucking racist chirp, but I can’t get too upset about it, no, otherwise what will the white fans think?! They can’t have an aggressive person of color on the ice calling out racism! God forbid! Now I can’t “act too gay” because that’s feeding into racist stereotypes? What the fuck does that even mean?! How does me being gay have anything to do with me being Asian? I’m fucking Canadian anyway! I was born here! Grew up here! My dad is fucking white for fucks sake! Oh, but don’t even get me started on that. I try so hard but it’s never fucking enough. And just because my mother is Japanese? How does that make sense?! The 2010s are almost over, why do I still have to deal with this fucking shit?! Ugh! I’m just so fucking tired of having to be perfect all the time!”

Ilya sat there patiently listening as Shane paced back and forth in front of him, letting him get it all out. He doesn’t always catch every word Shane says, but he can get the gist. They’ve been here many times before over the years. Every few months, Shane just loses it. Ilya can never really understand what his boyfriend is going through, but he’s happy to be the one Shane can open up to about all the pressure he’s always under.

Eventually, Shane loses steam and just flops down on the sofa, head landing in Ilya’s lap. Ilya immediately cards his fingers through Shane’s hair, nails scraping against his scalp because he knows he likes that.

“Feel better?”

“Mmm, eh, not really. Thanks for listening, though.”

Ilya leans down to kiss his temple. “Any time.”