Post-Evangelical Sexual Panic

in the circles I grew up in (fundamentalist-leaning trad Catholicism), ideas like self-love and self-care were viewed with suspicion, if not rejected as outright heresies. your call was to poverty and humility, erasure and denial. taking time to take care of yourself was self-involved and sinful, and loving yourself was idolatry. you weren't supposed to be loving yourself, you were supposed to be repenting for all your flaws. you weren't supposed to care for yourself—you were supposed to care for others. it was supposed to hurt. life was supposed to hurt.

Like, shut the fuck up. My trauma isn't just someone being a little rude to me once, it was systematic, deliberate manipulation with the threat of possible eternity of suffering in Hell if I didn't obey religious rules and "keep Christ in my heart". It was "Nonbelievers burn in a lake of eternal fire. Tell your friends to convert to our faith or they'll be damned for eternity".

I have suffered from anxiety, ocd and other mental health issues for several fucking years because of this shit. I've suppressed my sexuality and felt terrible guilt just for the 'sin' of having sexual thoughts. I've feared for my loved one's souls, genuinely believing they would go to Hell for simply not being xtians and that I'd never see them again in the afterlife.

These beliefs are sick and twisted. What I went through was sick and twisted.

I seriously don't know what to say to you if you still think telling anyone, let alone a child, that they're going to be damned for eternity if they disobey 'God's word' is totally fine and not abusive.

As a heavily indoctrinated woman I did not learn about consent. I literally thought even asking a boy on a date was a sin against God. I remember thinking I had to wait around and see who asked me out and then if I said yes to a first date I would need to marry them because otherwise I would be “leading them on”. At the very least I needed to be ready for marriage by date 3 or so.

At the same time I was taught that even while you’re dating you shouldn’t “give your heart away” or say “I love you” let alone do anything physical beyond holding hands.

After agreeing to marry that boy, I’d be under his authority forever. I did not think I would ever be allowed to refuse sex. I was ready to do whatever he wanted in all areas of life. This was what God wanted. Die to self etc.

People would ask “how can they expect gay people give up love?” And the answer is because many of them (even straight Christians) have repressed their own sexuality and personhood very deeply. I started crushing mine before it really even formed. God asked me to do lots of hard things - I was abused by my parents and church until my 30s. By the time I was an adult I’d made painful sacrifices repeatedly. This was how things were. I did not think of my own agency, I was created to serve and follow.

And also, more than likely (because most versions of it are like this), you've been practicing suffering under The Rules in every aspect of your life for as long as you've been in their system.

Growing up there were so many completely arbitrary benign things that I was expected to stay away from because they somehow weren't in line with being a biblical good girl. TV shows, books, movies, music, even toys that I wasn't allowed to engage with because they weren't up to the standards of goodness that I was expected to uphold. I missed out on so much of pop culture as a kid because it wasn't biblical to have a childhood, essentially.

And as a kid, you have no power, no frame of reference, and highly under developed critical thinking, so you're so much more likely to internalize this idea that much of the world is "bad" or "immoral", and the entire point of it is to make you suffer so the only good you find is within the religion, and thus they have the ultimate control. If everything outside of them is Bad™ and causes pain or harm, why would you leave, even when they cause you pain and harm, too? It's "good and biblical" that life hurts, and if it hurts this much to do the right thing, then doing the wrong thing must be 100x worse, right?

no abras la puerta. Estate calmado. Usted tiene derechos.

Si piden entrar, pregunten si tienen una orden firmada por un juez.

Si dicen que lo tienen, piden verlo.

Una orden de administración de ICE (formulario 1-200, 1-205) no les permite entrar a su hogar sin su consentimiento.

Si no tienen una orden firmada por un juez, usted puede negarse a dejarlos entrar

Si se fuerzan, no resistan. Dile a todos en la residencia que permanezcan en silencio.

As a heavily indoctrinated woman I did not learn about consent. I literally thought even asking a boy on a date was a sin against God. I remember thinking I had to wait around and see who asked me out and then if I said yes to a first date I would need to marry them because otherwise I would be “leading them on”. At the very least I needed to be ready for marriage by date 3 or so.

At the same time I was taught that even while you’re dating you shouldn’t “give your heart away” or say “I love you” let alone do anything physical beyond holding hands.

After agreeing to marry that boy, I’d be under his authority forever. I did not think I would ever be allowed to refuse sex. I was ready to do whatever he wanted in all areas of life. This was what God wanted. Die to self etc.

People would ask “how can they expect gay people give up love?” And the answer is because many of them (even straight Christians) have repressed their own sexuality and personhood very deeply. I started crushing mine before it really even formed. God asked me to do lots of hard things - I was abused by my parents and church until my 30s. By the time I was an adult I’d made painful sacrifices repeatedly. This was how things were. I did not think of my own agency, I was created to serve and follow.

Reminder to Click for Palestine today!

Thank you for your aid!