i'm tired of being blamed for being exploited by other people.
like when i was trafficked - the reason that shit is so common and widespread - despite the way the public acts like it's a big deal and they super duper hate it and give so many huge big shits about this crime of exploitation - and the reason traffickers know they can get away with it is because they specifically target people who they know no one gives a shit about. they know that if we tried to get anyone to help us, we'd find out that human trafficking is not really that big of a deal after all.
at first i was very careful about what i said to people because i was afraid they'd call the cops and make everything far worse. as it turns out, i could have walked through any government agency or any service nonprofit full of mandated reporters saying "hi, i am a trafficking victim, hello? can someone help me please?" and no one would even look up from their paperwork. they’d hate me just for creating the expectation that they should give a shit.
people only care about hypothetical victims. the sort of perfect victims that they want to save, that they'd be seen as heroes for saving.
not people like us. and by "like us" i mean real human beings who cannot or will not harden ourselves to better tolerate the conditions of this fucked up society.
and since there is no legit treatment for the deep psychic pain that comes from seeing all this heinous shit that happens around us and to us day after day - we use drugs.
they hate us for not adjusting to the horrors.
that is why we are "marginalized." we are banished. and to deprive human beings of social connection is violence. it's like taking a fish out of water and leaving it to suffocate in the air. when we deprived of belonging, the same is going on for us, but it happens so much slower. the torment can last for decades.
that is what really causes "mental illness." it's not some "chemical imbalance" or "malfunction" in our brains. it's severe prolonged alienation. when we are harmed in the most fucked up ways imaginable, the people around us act like everything is normal. they want us to believe that everything is normal. that we are in the wrong for feeling hurt when they hurt us. that is where trauma comes from.
we are blamed for having been vulnerable in the first place. the real crime is to reveal vulnerability to a society that values competition as a virtue, and instills a "duty to exploit." there are no rewards for those who pass up an opportunity to take advantage of another's vulnerability.
and when people are marginalized in the way that people who use drugs are marginalized, they feel powerless, hopeless, that there is nothing better on the horizon. we see the way the "respectable upstanding community members" live, the way they treat one another like shit, step on toes, backstab, lie, manipulate - anything it takes to get ahead, no matter how it may hurt anyone else - we see them rewarded for this, again and again. that's all we ever see and that is all we know. and so we treat our own the same way.
but the thing is, the impact of all that duplicitous behavior doesn't hit those more powerful and privileged MFers the same way. they are cushioned by their relative "respectability."
for us though, it is pretty devastating. and there will be no one to feel sorry for us or make us whole again. because we can't be "made whole" with anything that can be bought or sold. material security can make things easier for us, of course, but the entire reason for our suffering in the first place is that we can't or won't harden - even in a comfy house with a nice car and adorable shoes, we will still have to see and know everything we know, and we will still feel the pain of believing there is nothing we can do, or nothing we should do - there will always be this void, gnawing at us, no matter how hard we try to fulfill the obligations that are supposed to make us deserving of a place of respect in this society.
because the human part of us won't go away. it's that fish, suffocating on the shore, fighting to breathe. the fish isn't gonna be able to breathe any better with a new car or cute shoes. the fish needs water or it will continued to suffer until it dies.
and for us, it is social connection. that's what we are deprived of. humans are social animals. our species has only survived as long as we have through interdependence - as in, "to each according to their need, from each according to their ability” - genuine bonds of trust and care for the safety and well-being of our fellow humans.
this shit we've got going on here - it's anti-human. we were never meant to live like this. it only feels like a burden to care about others because we are forced to keep plugging along, doing the shit we have to do for our own survival. and all those things we gotta do are things that uphold and maintain the anti-human system. we are told that we cannot do anything about the other shit, it's not our problem, we need to focus on our own survival. and that's why it feels so overwhelming and burdensome to care about other people's struggles. that's why we are supposed to believe that self-care means "accepting the things we cannot change."
they are telling us to purge ourselves of our remaining humanness. stop caring. because caring - it's not really just some warm fuzzy feeling or the pain of putting ourselves in others' shoes - it's meant to drive us to act. and that's why it hurts. we feel the drive but can't act. we are convinced that we can't, that there's nothing we can do.
social connection - deep genuine bonds with other humans - are as essential to our survival as food, water, and air. we are starving, and the pain of empathy is hunger pangs that we are being told to just ignore.
the only thing that will make it not hurt so bad is solidarity. to learn how to trust and be trusted. to realize the power that comes from knowing that we have people, we belong, and our people have got our back no matter what, and we got theirs too. that it’s never a burden to look out for one another. it is what we do. it is why we are here and it is as good for us as it is for whichever one of us is in need. we all have needs, and we will all need a bit more at times. and we all have the capacity to meet those needs for one another. we do not lose anything by doing that for one another. it is our purpose. it’s the reason we are alive. it’s the reason we want to be alive.
when we are isolated, it is a lot more devastating to be betrayed or exploited, but when you've got a community of people who not only care, but will also catch you when you fall - it doesn't hurt so bad. you can move forward. shit happens, but it ain't a big deal because you never have to go through any of it alone.
that's it.
