Today's Prose - Februaryās Disease
Warning: religious themes, rough draft
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā One step forward, one step back, twirl, and dip. Repeat. Hand in hand, arm around my waist, hand comfortably on my lower backāheās pulling me in. Heās looking at me, Iāll look at my feet. Donāt let me step on his feet. Step forward, step back. Now heās pushing me away only to beckon me to spin into his arms, Iām against his chest! I knew Iād fall. It was inevitable. Iāve always been a sucker for a patient guiding hand and a man that can dance. Damn the love stories, I cry everytime.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Whatās worseāor probably in my favorāis I wasnāt even in a vulnerable state, I wasnāt in need of a hero, and I had no complex. Here he was, asking if I was comfortable and asking if I needed a breather. The month of love is upon us andādamn it!--the only thing I could smell were roses.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Steak dinners, aisles of chocolate, and crushes around every corner. Who likes steak, anyway? Chicken is where itās at and now Iāve toldĀ him.Ā Now Iāve told our friends, and they say we look good together. My momma didnāt raise me like this.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYāall make a pretty picture.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Iām not photogenic.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHe likes the outdoors.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I hate camping.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āHeās a Godly man. God fearing.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I was raised with worldly ideas.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā He wonāt like me, I assure you. My smile is wide and abrasive, just like me. Iām inconsiderate of others, Iām self-serving. I want to be rich one day; I want to hoard it all like a dragon with their treasure, and I wonāt spare a cent to the needy. My role model is Ebenezer Scrooge. Iām unusually cruel with the manipulation tactics of Machiavelli. I wasnāt made to settle down with a family, I was made to step on the backs of those less fortunate. I was made to be of the world. I wasnāt made to raise children.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā And yet.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Something is changing. Something in me has foundĀ hope. AndĀ familiarity. And suddenly, I am the grinch at the end of his story with a heart that is growing three sizes. I canāt contain the adoration; I canāt contain the desire to serve. This---I fearāhas been a long time coming.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Godās Plan.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Mentors tell me to role with it. Allow whatever happens to happen. I canāt plan six steps ahead because to follow Godās will I have to let his seven steps happen. Now I have to have patience. Now I have to haveĀ faith. Thatās the crux of the issue. The issue was never that I was beginning to like someone, it was that God was showing me that I wasĀ capableĀ of liking someone. God has shown me Iām capable ofĀ yearningĀ for someone and Iām capable of wanting good things.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā If Iām capable of wanting good things, then to earn them I must first be capable of giving good things. This moment of revelation caught me by surprise but not because Iāve ever been incapableāno, Iāve found myself overcome with that need to serve again.Ā