Sadboi Cave

*Trigger Warning*

What up chat,

it's been a minute since I've last posted. A lot has happened so this'll be a long one.

I want to first lead off with that I'm feeling so much better and a lot freer, and I think it's making me more outspoken. I literally am not afraid to say shit. Maybe all the trauma has had me angry, I don't know. The world is fucked. Feels like I shouldn't be happy when the world is literally FUCKED. My mom tells me not to let it affect me, but I can't help but let it affect me. Just because it was Alex Pretti or Renee Good, doesn't mean that it couldn't have been any of us as well. The government doesn't care about you, and will take you out for not being compliant. It's comply or die. It's a cold world out here. America is in a dark place. I'm not actively suicidal, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to live through this. Doesn't that suck?

It's bitter bliss. I did a therapy intensive and it was so life changing. We did 4 straight hours of EMDR and killed two memories that had been really putting a chokehold on me. I feel so alive and free. I haven't felt this free in so long. Yet, there's still so much tying me down. New things I haven't remembered in years will just pop up and retraumatize me. What up with that? On top of that, like I said, why should I have feel happy when the state of the world is FUCKED. Like so what if I'm turning 30 in April. So what if what I accomplished in therapy was life changing. Who cares if my soul feels free? It still feels like I'm in a chokehold to this government. I wake up every day and someone is hurt or dead. I wake up every day and it's always the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. It's war after war on each other. I wake up to rights being stripped away. I wake up to America in constant distress.

Yet...