Online
I’ve never felt so lonely by a soul that loved me more than I ever thought I could be loved.
Every time you came to see me I never felt more okay than I did the instant I noticed you across the room.
The first time we met was so incredible it almost felt like it wasn’t real.
Like I couldn’t process your face through my eyes.
The way I processed your face through the screen with my eyes.
The blemishes. The scratches. Cuts and bruises.
They were all there. They were present and real..
But I left after that…
I went back and left my home to sleep in a house where I felt more alone
Then I moved..
Away from everyone
Away from you. My family. My friends
Everything I loved was further away.
Our distance never changed but you were still further from my life and from my hands. From my bed and from my tears. You kept getting harder to reach out to.
My family is now being processed through the same screen you’re in. My friends don’t exist here. They’ve always been there but now.. I’m alone.
I was desperate. To feel again. To feel something physical. To have dinner. To go take a walk like we did.
You were still there.. but online.
He was there. But in front of me.
And everytime we touched. Spoke or saw each other. He smelled like a human. Like flesh that i had wished I’d smell from you for a year and 2 months. It was an uncontrollable feeling I’d never knew I needed around me.
But it made me realize that I needed you. Not him.
But you couldn’t.
You didn’t try
So I left
With him…
And that’s when you started fighting for me..
And he hated you for that. For a reason so innocent.
You loved me…
I should’ve known.
After a while, he left.
You were still hanging on. You still are.
I pretend like I am but I have days where I forget to.
It kills me
It hurts
Because if you were here.
If you weren’t online.
I don’t think I would feel this way.
I’d feel okay like I did the first time I saw you with my own eyes..
In front of me
Next to me
Not online.
11/14/18
