rain (24) eater

You all just want me for my mediocre posts and my unremarkable penis

this is america son you rip that cart til it tastes like pool liner gotdammit

shorty got me looking up definitions!

france has one job in its historical destiny and it's rubbing dirt in anglos' face but ever since they burned their Catholic Bodhisattva Jeanne D'arc, their Catholic god has cursed them to lose to the awful transphobic bog apes forever.

"here's my original character, Man Who Sucks But Loves His Daughter Very Much" and it's a guy who worships at the altar of patriarchal violence and the woman he uses as an excuse and an effigy to absolve him

well i think his daughter should tell him to kill himself

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

in the middle of crying for no reason i was interrupted by the sounds of one of my neighbors blasting "shadow the hedgehog pissed on my fucking wife" so loud it echoed around the courtyard outside

they hate us control freaks for making sure everyone else does things the correct way

Turns out you can’t just say “The strait is open,” and expect sailors to dodge anti-ship missiles in their 800ft long boats.

Dogs serve as a kind of virtue eater for Americans to pour all of their kindness into without the risk of improving society or being nice to someone with any agency

in zis sense, we arr all little timmy, down hiz well

(last person left alive on the entire planet voice) sadly there are no sci fi fantasy young adult lit novels about superhero disaster queers