Soft

being online is so scary aren't you guys worried about the world wide spider

It took 36 years for someone to make this joke and by god it was worth the wait

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

Information Wall (with Hat)

a wasp made this post

i love the specification of "alive" in the people magazine "sexiest man alive" award. clearly they're worried about ötzi the iceman sweeping the competition. as they should be.

oh and when i was a year old, after i got my foot amputated my parents were pushing me around in a stroller at a street festival in miami and i was chewing on my foot or whatever and this street performer came up to us and was like “aw i bet that tastes good!!” and my dad was like “yeah look at what she did to the other one!!!!” and pulled back the blanket covering my left leg to show a stump with a huge scar on it and i’m pretty sure my dad terrified that poor man

Evidently the “amputees are the FUNNIEST motherfuckers” thing extends to their parents as well.

After my stepdad had his first leg amputated, his favorite shirt to wear was one that said “it’s official I’m on my last leg”

You sell Miette? Like the furniture?! Jail for mother for 1,000 years!