I really, really want to validate this based on something I’m reading at the moment, but it requires some context so bear with me:
I’m reading a book called “Magnificent Sex” (and for those who are that way inclined; I cannot recommend it more highly) but for the purposes of this post:
This book is about a team of researchers interviewing a group of 70-odd people who identify as having “magnificent sex”, or “optimal sexual experiences”. These people came from a variety of backgrounds and demographics, including the young, elderly, middle aged, gay, straight, disabled, chronically ill, women, men, transgender and nonbinary. All of them, aside from having great sexual experiences, had notably exceptional quality of life, and exceptional relationships. The way they viewed themselves and the world was largely positive and enthusiastic. You would think that many of them would talk about romance and love, but the opposite was true. Almost none of them, the researchers noted, ever used the word “love” during their many hours of interviews.
All of the participants emphasised the supreme significance of trust, respect, care, communication, mutual admiration and consideration in their relationships, and some of them went out of their way to emphasise that it was far more important to LIKE and respect their partners than it was to feel love. Almost none of them considered being in love to be important at all. Some were poly, and some were monogamous, in relationships of all kinds of lengths, some romantic and some not.
One common thread uniting them was their deliberate rejection of societal conventions regarding relationships and sex (as well as body image, gender etc.) Many stated that the things that brought them to the point of rejecting social norms, for example being gay or disabled, were also the same things that led them to being free to explore what they wanted and enjoyed. I almost cried when I read that, since I have had some experiences and ways of being that are considered atypical, and I now consider them to be strengths. Being aro could be an example of that. Within the challenge of existing outside the “norm” also lies that wonderful potential that you get to discover and create and exist in ways many people would never even dream of. The researchers in the book identified this “existence outside the norm” or having experiences that forced one to reconsider common societal beliefs, as correlating strongly with learning new ways of being that led to exceptional experiences.
All of this is contained in a book about sex!!! That, to me, is so TELLING. Clearly there is so much more to a happy life than that standard love story culminating in marriage!
What I’m trying to get at here is that the importance of love is overstated. The people interviewed for the study are all experiencing wonderful, joyful lives of exceptional quality that they describe without using that word. It’s notable that their sex lives and relationships are SO good that they’re being interviewed about it so that researchers can learn from THEM! This might be a bit of a side-trail and an odd perspective but I think it’s so fascinating and I really wanted to share it in case anyone finds it helpful.
I really want to validate the experience of people who do not experience love. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, this research supports the tremendous richness of life that can be had without love! You’re real! You’re so valid! You’re so important! You not wanting “normal” relationships, ever, is fucking FANTASTIC!
