Strawberries With Low Battery

The setting is thus. Coworker A's office is by the outside door we all enter from. The door is very heavy and has a lip that I have to do a wheelie in my wheelchair to get over. My current chair is new enough I haven't gotten completely used to its center of gravity yet.

Thus, I pry open the door to enter, pop a wheelie too far, and crash down backwards. Coworker A launches herself out of her office, literally yelling, "ARE YOU OKAY?! OH MY GOD DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD?! WHAT DO I DO?! YOU KNOW I'M NOT GOOD IN EMERGENCIES!"

Me (laying on the ground halfway in and out of the office) : "This is not an emergency."

A : "IT LOOKS LIKE AN EMERGENCY!"

Me: "Could you please just hold the door, and........... are you filMING ME ON YOUR COMPANY PHONE?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

A : "I DON'T KNOW IT'S INSTINCT FROM WHEN I DO FIELD WORK!"

Me : "Oh my GOD, stop filming and just hold the door so I can get up!"

A : *keeps filming while holding the door*

Me : *gets up and situated* "Why are you still filming?"

A : "Well, NOW it's in case you need to file a worker's comp claim."

Me : "It's way too Monday for this." *rolls away down the hall to my office."

"I should paint my Fiat's antenna green so it looks more like a strawberry!"

My weather app is doing this a thousand times a day. It keeps telling me how high the pollen levels are, and I swear to y'all it makes my allergies 10x worse. I see that message and my nose immediately starts acting a fool. 🤧 WE WERE DOING FINE NOT NOTICING THE SNIFFLING AND COUGHING AND PRETENDING THE OTC MEDS WORKED!

Just tell me when there's a fire, tornado, hurricane, meteor about to hit us, and LEAVE THE POLLEN OUT OF IT.

I texted my boss "I need to submit a temporary telework request."

Response "what's the reason?"

Me "my new wheelchair is more disabled than I am."

(The DME company sent me a defective back wheel and are making the process of getting a replacement as obnoxious and long as possible)

Went for a gyn followup since I'm comfortably past the healing period for my surgery.

Doctor casually asks, "have you scheduled your mammogram yet, like I asked you to in December? And before that in October? And before that over a year ago at your annual?"

My response was, "😀😀😀😀 nope."

And so the doctor very calmly picked up the plastic model of the female reproductive system off the counter, removed the ovaries from it, and pelted me with them while yelling, "GET YOUR MAMMOGRAM WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

Most people (especially men) will always apologize for using foul language. "Pardon me, ma'am," or "excuse my French," or "I apologize for that ma'am."

It's delightful since in real life, I swear like a sailor.

Anyway, yesterday I had this guy swearing up, down, and sideways. And he said, "I'm so sorry ma'am. I don't wanna get it trouble or anything, I'm just pissed off."

And I forgot every word we have for swear/cuss/curse whatever, and said, "it's fine. You can use as many flavors as you want."