Words of a Voice UNHEARD

You left like I was nothing. Took everything from me. I am begging for attention and you say you will not give it to me. You say I need to get better, but fail to realize you are killing me. I love you like a mother and I’m drowning like a child you was never taught how to swim.

I really hate having this disorder! I hate even more being so self-aware because I know the things I am upset about are not as upsetting as I am making them, but I still feel how I feel even if I try to reason with myself. No amount of logic will stop the thoughts from coming in my brain and I cannot stop the feelings I am having no matter what anyone says. It is legit impossible sometimes and I wish it was easier, but I know with time it will wax and wane and that is all I can ask for.

I have not written in a while mostly because I have not wanted too. I have been so mad at everyone, including myself. Not for really anything, but also for everything. I wrote this whole thing out the other night and then fell asleep and it got erased, but I just do not know what to say anymore. Why? my brain keeps asking itself. Why does it always have to be me? I do not fit in any family situation and even if I convince my brain and you convince yours I never get treated equal to other family members because at the end of the day I am not family. Just a person people take in and try to make happy for five seconds. I think about it something terrible were to happen to me. Would anyone really care? Would the loss be so great people remember it forever? Would I be talked about every chance people get to remember their family members? Would my pictures still go on the wall and the stories still be told? Or would I fade and disappear because I too was just a person passing through in your life? I think about how families give their children and partners and at times their siblings their whole world. They give them anything they could ask for and I will never have that. I will have if you work harder and you have yourself to give you that. Do you know how hard it is to not take a break? A day off? A moment too not have to support myself? I have been the only person for so long to catch me when I fall and I do not mean when I try to kill myself. I mean actually fall. When life gets too hard and I can no longer get out of bed and the weight of the world does not feel like a giant trip on allergy medicine waiting to just knock me out. I keep getting asked what is wrong and I would love to be able to tell people, but I can honestly say I do not notice a change in my behavior my body feels different, but I cannot remember a time when I felt the way people describe me to be. My face feels numb like actually numb. My stomach does not get hungry, but is also a bottomless pit for food. I am tired all the time, yet when night falls I cannot sleep for long periods of time. The thing is all of those I have felt before the memories that are fading and the not remembering things 15 minutes after they happen is new though. It does not scare me or surprise me, but it does make me question my day a lot more. I do not even know what to say anymore and the moments for a couple hours when I am bright and vibrant how you remember take the life out me because the second you look away I feel awful. I feel more of everything than I did before. I feel like a walking side show to buy tickets too, but the only people who stay the whole show are the ones who do not understand the ending is sad. My ending will be sad too. I will be ending and I will no one to really call family or to help if the one thing I need is a break. A break of sleep and help and being okay again. A break so I can spend all my time trying to find someone who can look at me and actually help instead of going through this emotions that rollercoaster and the second the highs go to lows is kills me. I just want it to end.

We are getting closer to the day you kicked me out three years ago. Almost four now. Crazy how I can remember the date. Maybe it’s because of my backpack with the hospital band on it. Maybe it’s because the thing we want to remember we seem to forget and the thing we want to forget we never can. I’m not so many words I wish I could forget. Forget a lot of my life. If I ever hit my head and forget don’t remind me of the bad. Tell me lies and if I remember the awful than so be it, but if I never do let me live with the lies. I don’t want to remember the awful. I don’t want to remember the sad. Some day I wish I could have the will power to get electric shock therapy. Promise you’ll let me forget. Make up a lie that I lived here the whole time. Make up a lie that you took me in at a young age. Move me so I never find out. Let me live in the bliss of a lie. I wish you could make me forget. Make me something more, but it’s okay because I just try and deal with outcomes of my life and how I want to move forward.

I have all these letters I’ve written to you that I never post. I just don’t want the knowledge of letting myself know how much I need you, but the relevancy of me only writing letters to you may prove otherwise. Not all days are bad actually most days are rather blissful. Well until I went to Washington and came back with the utter doom that everyone will leave. The foot has to drop at some point. Everything must fade away and everything slowly dies. At what point will we? At what point will I? I think about the first night I came home a lot and the nights that followed. How the look on your face and the smile started to slowly fade. Sometimes I think I may have ruined your life. I think I’m happy and decent most day around the people that I love and everything feels….okay. I’m at peace and I wonder if this is what death feels like. Peaceful. I don’t want to die anymore. I just always want to come home, but the issue now is I got left to be alone again and waking up reminds of that all over again. Why do people make choices just to call them mistakes later and apologize? Why cannot let go of the root cause of all of these issue? Why are you the only person who makes me feel at home? That’s why I put you first. The importance of home in you is more important than any pain or confusing that might have come out of us being friends. Where do I go from here? Where does life go? Why am I so happy in the bubble that I have created? What if it all ends? The lonely parts of my soul creep in again. I wish I never went to visit. I wish I stayed home. I wish I would have told. I wish you could have fixed it. Sometimes I still wish for the friend who wouldn’t leave me alone when I cried. The one who invested toooo much. Now I feel you may listen to my words too much. I want the in between of that. The one who can look in my eyes and know that the shaking in my voice is about to break. The one who knows I’m about to cry and feels it’s different than the average tears that normally come rolling down my face. I wish we had that balance, but we don’t it’s one extreme or another. Though you are my stable ground and my grey area. You’ll always be grey in a world of black and white. You’ll always be home. I’m just a little confused and lost, but I’m happy. Maybe that’s what is causing all the confusion to begin with. As for the other letters I think I’ll revise them and put them out in the coming weeks. It won’t matter anyone for you will never read them.

Lately I have so disconnected from my old self. I do not know if that is a good thing or a bad. I feel bewildered and I can only find moments of complete bliss in the dark and listening to the music of sad woman talk about the unimaginable heartbreak. I move different and sound different. My thoughts do not come in the same wave length that they used to. It is like when the emotion is no longer attainable the only answer is to look through it as a machine processing the information and coming up with the most reasonable answers. The problem is as I fix what the people have broken within me I worry about the damage that may arise in the back lash. For once I am not worried too much about that though. When life destroys parts of you you build yourself into a form that was never imaginable and was not attainable until you broke because the pieces do not fix how they used to and before being broken they could have never fit like that to begin with. We only brake to be reborn. Funny isn't it that in order to grow we must brake and fall apart. You can never know good until you know bad. You can never know heart break without love. You can never know happy without sad because at the end of the day all those emotions are just an absents of the others. People perceive me as stupid or "A lot" I do not think I am a lot though. I think I am 100 percent myself all the time while the world has taught us to belittle ourselves and shrink in order to fit in and have the world tolerate us. I do not want to be tolerated! I want to be explored and be a vast ocean of things of unseen and unheard of until you cannot picture a life without me. Until you cannot picture a relationship with barriers or unspoken words. Words most powerful are never spoken and the clarity we so wish to receive we never ask for. I wish I could be that person for you. The person who makes you not hide behind walls or appearances. I like the you inside you not the one you let others see or the one you even want me to see. I think the biggest superpower I have is I am 100 percent myself and while I have my secrets they are not secret from me. I wish I could help you, but I cannot because it takes a venerability most people do not want to have to be yourself with yourself and with the world.

These are just my feelings as of today I am sure you will get a more personal letter to you later today or this week, but what does it really matter you'll never read them anyway.

I don’t see you much anymore. Not in a way of I don’t physically see you I do, but more in the we don’t have quality time anymore. I know that sounds strange to some, but that was my favorite time of the day. You have been extra clingy to B and I understand that he is your person and I’m happy he is giving you the time you need. I just wish we had time too, but I know that if things change they change and if they don’t they don’t. I wish you weren’t so sad and I wish I could make it better. I am here for you and I may not have all the right things to say, but hopefully I can put a smile on your face.

Now that you don’t follow me I can post whatever I want to you. Ironic right. All the things I wish I could tell you, but now you won’t know. Maybe that’s what I want you to never know. I miss my friend still. The one I could lay with and squeeze and hold, but it’s okay I’m learning to stop the parts of me wanting that. You’re getting better and that is great. Sometimes I think I’ll never get better and while I’m back to “normal” I’m still sad, but it’s easier to hide I guess. I love making you laugh and smile because it makes me feel as though I didn’t do everything in my life wrong. I love you more than words could ever speak and more than you’ll ever truly know. Smile more, get angry less and always remember someone loves you even when you feel you are unlovable.

Goodbye= I’m become so mental unstable that I will probably try and kill myself before I see you again

These might not work in saving or helping your friend, but they are things you can try and things I know have helped the people who I have dealt with. Your friend is still your friend, even if they have forgotten who they are. While dealing with someone with depression is hard and can drain you; if your friend is suicidal you could be saving them. You do not need to fix them to save them. You just have to show them in a way they will understand that you do care and that they are important to you.

Because I don’t feel it

I don’t know why I didn’t call anyone. I don’t know why I did not say anything. Maybe there was just nothing left to say. Maybe I did not want to hurt anyone.

And how shitty of me would it be if this is how people found out.

I’m sorry

Everyone says they would miss me, but fail to realize they left at one point too. Every time I think about killing myself I remember all these people will just go back to how it was four months ago. Everyone left and they moved in made a life and didn’t think or talk to me, so what is so different. Only this time you don’t have a chance to fix it. I’m trying to save myself., but if that doesn’t happen what is honestly the worst thing to come out of it? Everyone loves go back four months? I’m drunk and sad and alone. More importantly I’m happy during the day and I’m trying to halt what comes next, but maybe I can’t. Save me because I cannot find who I used to be. Save me before you lose me.

Hold on